FIFA Suspends 2026 World Cup Bribing Process

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ZURICH – (CT&P) -Soccer’s world governing body bought itself some time on Wednesday before beginning the most important process on its agenda—selecting a host for the 2026 World Cup—even as it scrambles to elect a new president.

FIFA said the 2026 bribing process, which was due to begin this fall, was on hold because of the separate U.S. and Swiss investigations that led to the arrest and detention of several FIFA officials in May. The organization also confirmed that it would hold an extraordinary executive committee meeting in July to set a date for a new presidential election, which is expected to fall in December.

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Although hated by almost everyone on earth and considered the worst thing that ever happened to the game of football, Blatter remains in charge of FIFA. “The asshole is proving harder to kill off than an Alien xenomorph,” said Michel Platini, head of the European soccer federation.

“With so many of our top officials under indictment and unable to fulfill their nefarious duties, we are regretfully going to have to delay the bribe and blackmail process for the 2026 World Cup until sometime next spring,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA and human lamprey.

“The United States and Mexico are both in the running, so we’re looking forward to some very lucrative cash transfers from America and large shipments of narcotics as well as some attractive prostitutes from the cartels ‘south of the border.’

“We just thought it would be wise to delay things a while so our guys can repudiate all these ridiculous charges leveled by the FBI and Swiss authorities,” said Blatter, as he picked his mouthful of razor-sharp teeth with a golden toothpick.

During the press conference Blatter also mentioned that African and Asian countries should be building up their gold bullion reserves because the bribing process for 2030 would commence shortly after the 2026 site was determined.

 

FIFA Payoff Committee Votes To Increase The Minimum Bribe

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ZURICH – (CT&P) – The FIFA Payola and Inducement Committee, meeting deep below the streets of Zurich in the FIFA “War Room,” voted this afternoon to increase the minimum bribe rate by a whopping 25% in an effort to slow down U.S. and Swiss investigations into the organization’s inner workings.

FIFA Vice President of Blackmail, Embezzlement and Larceny Ivan Mikhailov, a former Russian mafia boss, told reporters outside FIFA headquarters that he intended to offer FBI special agents an offer “they could not refuse.”

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Mikhailov told Swiss television that if the FBI agents did not accept the bribes other methods would be used to change their minds

“The imperialist American politicians are easily corrupted by money and sex. They do what their corporate masters tell them, no matter how much it hurts the oppressed American worker. It is apparent to even the lowest Russian peasant that Americans can be bought and sold with a few rubles and a tall blonde from Omsk with large breasts.”

 

“We have no doubt that the FBI agents will be no different. I mean, look at the Secret Service, it is infested by ideologically impure vermin who frequent brothels and drink around the clock. With the increased capital that the committee has given us this should be easier than a penalty kick.”

Although FIFA President Sepp Blatter bemoaned the extra expenditure of funds, he told Swiss television that the money could be easily replaced during the next round of World Cup bids.

 

Sepp Blatter Threatens To Annex The Sudetenland

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ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.

At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.

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Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that FIFA troops would no doubt be greeted as conquering heroes in the newly acquired territories

“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”

“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.

FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.

“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.

“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”

Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.

 

German Blitzkrieg Rolls Through Brazil In Record Time

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Team Germany eviscerated a highly-touted Brazil today by a score of 7-1 at Estádio Mineirão, Belo Horizonte. The semi final victory was one of the greatest defeats in World Cup history.

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Field Marshal Erich von Manstein was the coach of the 1940 German team that conquered France and the low countries in record time. His creative use of armored strikers is now a technique taught all over the world.

Brazil, completely disorganized on defense, surrendered five goals in the first 29 minutes and did not score until the match’s 90th minute. The Brazil captain and best defender, Thiago Silva, was out because of a yellow-card suspension, but that did not even begin to explain the comprehensive failure of the entire team in a defeat that forever changes the world’s perception of Brazilian soccer.

In effect, the game was over in less than 30 minutes, which sets a new record for German conquest of a foreign power. The old record was Germany’s subjugation of the Netherlands in 1940, which took six days.

When contacted for comment, the coach of the 1940 team, Field Marshal Erich von Manstein told the Times that although he was disappointed to see his old record fall, “I am proud of our boys and what they accomplished today. We controlled the vital lines of supply through the midfield and conducted well-coordinated lightning attacks on their defense, which consisted of out of date fixed fortifications.”

“Those Brazilian defenders looked like a bunch of Polish cavalrymen charging our tanks,” von Manstein chuckled. “I have high hopes that we can go all the way and achieve world domination, something that eluded us in the 40’s. I wish the boys the best of luck, and hopefully our domination will last 1000 years!”

The field marshal then raised a beer and broke into a guttural version of “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles

Satan “Slightly Annoyed” By Red Devils’ Loss To Catholics On Saturday

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – At press conference this morning on the banks of the River Styx, Satan told reporters that he was “annoyed, and more than a little pissed off” with Belgium coach Marc Wilmots for not coming up with a more intelligent game plan against Argentina.

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The Prince of Darkness spoke to reporters briefly before appearing as keynote speaker at a Tea Party fundraiser in Virginia’s 7th District

“Yeah well, I’m annoyed as hell,” said Satan. “All we did was chase those damn Christians all over the field and we seemed to have no real plan of attack. We looked disorganized and unable to maintain possession of the ball, and possession is supposed to be one of our specialties!”

The quarter-final match was in effect decided in the eighth minute by the Apostle Gonzalo Higuaín’s half volley off a deflected pass. The goal was made possible by Our Savior Lionel Messi charging the defense and drawing Belgian defenders to him like Roman soldiers to a weekend picnic and crucifixion.

The Argentines then used their superior ball handling abilities to fend off the spawn of Satan for the next eighty minutes plus stoppage time. Belgium pushed forward throughout the rest of the game but was lacking in offensive fluency, often resorting to floated crosses that Argentina’s defense cleared with relative ease. Except for a last-minute flurry of desperate shots, the Belgians offered no real threat to the Soldiers of God.

The next opponent for the Messiah and his disciples will be the largely agnostic thugs from the Netherlands, featuring the demon-possessed midfielder Arjen Robben. The game is scheduled to be played Wednesday at Arena Corinthians, São Paulo at 4:00 Eastern.

The loss knocked Belgium out of the tournament.

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Although extremely agitated by the Red Devils’ loss, Satan could not resist getting Lionel Messi’s autograph outside Argentina’s dressing room.

When asked about Messi’s performance in the tournament so far, Satan said “Look, I know he’s the Son of God and all, and he’s been trained by the Inquisition in Barcelona since he was 13, but he’s only one man! If we can’t come up with a game plan to neutralize one man’s influence then I don’t hold out much hope for the future.”

“I swear to God I don’t know what to do with this coach,” said an exasperated Satan. “I give him all the young talent anyone could want, and we get a disappointing result like this. I mean, holy shit, most of our opponents don’t even believe in evolution! If we can’t even defeat a bunch of morons and dim wits then we might as well give up.”

Coach Wilmots’ contract with Mephistopheles and the Red Devils is not up for another 25 years, so a buyout seems unlikely. He is currently receiving two soccer cleats full of gold each month for services rendered to the Belgian team.

The Messiah Rises…Again!

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Lionel Messi’s brilliant pass to Angel Di Maria in the 118th minute and Di Maria’s subsequent goal boosted Argentina past the neutral Swiss and on to the quarter finals in the World Cup.

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The Messiah and his disciple the Archangel Di Maria celebrate victory over the forces of darkness.

Switzerland kept Our Savior down for a valiant 117 minutes, and Argentina’s offense appeared to be deceased. With two, three, even four defenders on him whenever he had the ball, the Messiah failed to link up with disciples, failed to take over the game as he had in the group stage, and failed to get his team on the scoreboard. Some of the disciples even expressed doubt as to whether victory over death could be achieved.

With the score still knotted at 0-0 and only two minutes of extra time left, penalty kicks seemed inevitable.

Then the Lamb of God roared back to life. The Swiss defender Stephan Lichtsteiner lost the ball near midfield, and Our Lord, for once, found himself with space to run at the defense. He drove forward past two players to the edge of the box, thus rolling back the stone of the Swiss defense.

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The stone doorway placed in front of the Swiss goal was rolled away at the last possible moment.

The Redeemer then fed his chief disciple, the Archangel Di Maria, who was hovering six inches off the ground on the right side. Di Maria coolly slotted the ball home into the far corner with his left foot, giving Argentina the lead at the latest possible moment.

There was much rejoicing all over the world, particularly in Buenos Aires, the Vatican Basilica, and the Cabin Anthrax.

The victory puts Argentina into a quarter-final match at the Estadio Nacional in Brasilia on Saturday. The Good Shepherd will lead his flock of believers against Belgium in what promises to be an exciting and high scoring battle for souls of the undecided.

MESSIAH GONE WILD!

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) -A double from Our Lord and Savior a day after his 27th birthday inspired Argentina to a 3-2 win over African champions Nigeria and assured them of finishing top of Group F at the World Cup finals.

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The Messiah can be seen here horsing around with his ten disciples during warmups.

Only two minutes had gone when Argentina took the lead. Javier Mascherano’s clever pass found Di María, whose shot, hard and low towards the near post, was saved by Enyeama. But suddenly, in a fortunate flash, the ball was in the net. The ball came off the keeper’s hands, off the post, off the keeper’s head, off the post again, and out … to where Messi was racing forward to smash it back in again.

Nigeria quickly equalized, but the Prince of Pitch put Argentina up 2-1 with a “godlike” free kick into the upper right hand corner of the  goal while Nigerian goalkeeper Vincent Enyeama could only stare in amazement as he beheld the power of the Holy Spirit.
Nigeria’s Musa equalized once again later, but Argentina went up 3-2 on Rojo’s “thigh goal” and the chosen ones kept the lead for good.
Argentina will now face a tough Switzerland team in the round of 16. Coach Alejandro Sabella knows it will be an uphill battle for Argentina to make it all the way to the final, but he has great confidence in his saintly striker.
“Leo will have to put the team on his back and carry them to victory,” said Sabella, “but he already carries the burden of all of mankind’s sins on his shoulders every day, so I don’t think a few more World Cup matches will make much difference.”