Weather Channel Anchor Tells Viewers In Southeast To Update Their Wills



ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Early this afternoon Weather Channel anchor and crazed lunatic Jim Cantore advised viewers in the southeastern United States to be sure that their wills were updated before Winter Storm Helena hits this evening.

“I can’t stress this enough: many of you people are fucking doomed,” said a gleeful Cantore.

“This storm packs quite a punch and it could be days for we dig out. If you’re old or infirm your best bet is to make sure your life insurance is paid up and your will is updated. You wouldn’t want your kids to have to pay to have you buried or cremated when the authorities finally find your decaying body, now would you?” said the maniacal meteorologist.

Jim Cantore Weather Channel meteorologist

In 2005 Cantore refused to leave his bathtub for a week after some minor flooding along the Chattahoochee River failed to kill thousands as he had predicted.

This isn’t the first time Cantore has lost his small mind during an extreme weather event. In 2010 the foreboding forecaster was treated for scrotal frostbite after coming unhinged and stripping off all his clothing during a thundersnow event.

Cantore closed his segment by advising viewers that were already feeling a little post-holiday depression to go ahead an commit suicide now in order to avoid the pain involved in freezing to death or skidding under a tanker truck, causing it to explode and slowly burning alive.






Weather Channel Warns Viewers Not To Loiter In Front Of Snow Plows Like Some Idiot



ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising those viewers who have poorly functioning frontal lobes due to head injuries, strokes, or frequent trips to Flint, Michigan, that they should avoid wandering aimlessly in the streets in front of active snow plows, particularly in blizzard conditions when the driver can barely see where the fuck he’s going.

Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion made it clear that although it’s fun to play in the snow and enjoy the unusual conditions, one should try to stay alive while doing it.

“Just because there are no cars on the roads doesn’t mean that your life is not in danger when you walk around in the snow-covered streets,” said Champion. “Snow plows are large, heavy vehicles often piloted by underpaid employees whose only qualifications for the job are the fact that they are breathing and have a valid driver’s license.

“Many drivers take advantage of the conditions to get drunk or high before plowing the streets and are totally unaware  of what is going on around them, and during a blizzard they may not even see your sorry ass. So if you are going to go risk going outside in these deadly conditions, then don’t walk around or lie down in the street.”

Champion also suggested that anyone going outside their home when one inch or more of snow was on the ground should wear a goose down mountaineering suit, huge, unwieldy boots with crampons, full body armor, a football helmet, and carry supplemental oxygen in a massive tank on their back. He also said that for even a short journey out-of-doors, you should carry enough food and water to last a week in case you’re trapped in a snowdrift or engulfed by an avalanche pouring off your neighbor’s roof.

“You just never can be too careful, and we at the Weather Channel want everyone to stay safe while we celebrate the number of road closures, premature deaths due to exposure and car accidents, and the billions of dollars lost to the economy by Winter Storm Jonas,” concluded a breathless Champion.


METEOROLIGISTS GONE WILD: Weather Channel Takes Delivery On 55 Gallon Drum Of Astroglide



ATLANTA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that a 55 gallon drum of Astroglide has been delivered to the Weather Channel headquarters building in Atlanta in preparation for the annual Weather Channel Winter Storm Orgy that occurs during the first major frozen precipitation event of the season.

Wolf Blitzer told viewers today that unnamed sources within the Weather Channel “family” had phoned him and said that this year’s party celebrating the widespread panic and destruction caused by Winter Storm Jonas promised to “blow all the past orgies away.”

The sexual marathon is infamous in Atlanta and has been responsible for multiple unplanned pregnancies and vicious divorce proceedings in the past.

“I can’t begin to count the number of kids that have been conceived during this annual no-holes-barred (literally) sexual romp,” said Blitzer. “They get so excited and out of control over there that Coke bottles aren’t safe.”

“This year the office manager has apparently gone hog-wild and ordered enough lubricant for a herd of elephants,” said a visibly aroused Blitzer.

“They also bought out the entire stock from Tower liquor store on Piedmont and Green’s over on Buford Highway. There are rumors that Inserection and the Love Shack made deliveries early this afternoon. It’s meteorologists gone wild!”

The introduction of erectile dysfunction drugs a few years back turned the party from a one night fling into a test of endurance for the participants. In recent years the drug and alcohol fueled moral abomination has lasted anywhere from 24-48 hours, depending on the length of the blizzard and the number of road closures and casualties.

However, with the epic snowstorm now brewing in D.C. and along the Eastern Seaboard, no one has any idea how long this one will last. A memo from Weather Channel management obtained by Blitzer stressed the need for all employees to remain properly hydrated for the duration, but as a precaution emergency medical personnel from nearby hospitals have been put on alert.

Blitzer closed the segment by wishing all the Weather Channel employees “the very best of luck,” but lamented that this marks the fifth year in row he was not invited to the event.



Weather Channel Advises Elderly In Path Of Storm To Commit Suicide Now



ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising all elderly or weak individuals in the path of Winter Storm Jonas to go ahead and commit suicide before the storm hits.

Weather Channel stalwart Jim Cantore, reporting from the nation’s capital, told viewers today that suicide would be preferable to a slow, agonizing death at the hands of the blizzard.

“If you are elderly, weak, or disabled, and unable to flee the path of the storm, it would be much better for you to go ahead and end it all now while you still have power,” said Cantore, after shooting up half a gram of methamphetamine.

“You certainly don’t want to slowly freeze to death in your home surrounded by cats, who are sure to devour your bloated corpse in the days to come. In fact, I advise even young adults who are depressed or have bleak economic futures to do the same. Remember, no one will be coming to check on you because you have no friends and you alienated your family a long time ago. Just get it over with, for God’s sake.”

David Clark, president of the Weather Channel, was quick to point out that although Cantore’s recommendations had merit, they represented his opinions alone and were not those of Weather Channel management.



Weather Channel Warns Nervous Viewers About The Downright Weird Physical Properties Of Water


ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – In a litany repeated over and over again ad nauseam weather cretins stationed all over the Southeast and Eastern seaboard warned angst ridden Weather Channel viewers that the physical properties of water, or H2O, changes as outside temperatures drop to around 32 degrees Fahrenheit.

Jim Cantore Weather Channel meteorologist

Cantore warned viewers that “Only a fool messes around with such a dangerous substance as water.”

“Water is downright weird,” said Weather Channel veteran reporter Jim Cantore. “As it gets cold outside, water can mysteriously change into things like sleet, ice, freezing rain, or in some conditions even snow.”

“Some of these substances, such as ice, can be very slippery to walk or drive on,” warned Cantore with a very serious look on his face. “So whatever you do, don’t leave your home if it’s cold outside. You run the risk of freezing to death on a deserted highway only a short distance from the safety of your warm crib.”

Cantore told viewers that anyone forced to travel in temperatures lower than 50 degrees should pack a survival kit and bring it along with them.


Cantore said that many an idiot has met his death by hanging around outside in subzero temperatures when intelligent people were inside in front of a fire.

Cantore advised that the kit should contain distilled water, freeze-dried emergency rations, toilet paper, a flask of brandy attached to a St Bernard, a flare gun or “Very pistol,” space blanket, compass, signalling mirror and a three-day supply of amphetamines in order to stay alert.

Cantore also said that if you are dumb enough to leave your home during the winter months you should take along the weakest member of your family in case you run out of food and are forced to eat them to survive.

Director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Dr. Jean Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that water can be very dangerous particularly in wintertime when it is so unpredictable.

Lubchenco said that “We never know from one minute to the next what form water will take as it falls out of the sky. It often poses a threat to life and limb for those who don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so the best course for Americans is to stay inside their homes until spring.”


Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency news conference last night to assure residents that the state’s fleet of snow plows and salt trucks would work round the clock to keep the streets clear

Dr. Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that carrying an emergency kit around in the car with you was a good idea, but stopped short of advising the public to resort to cannibalism. “Except for Florida, every state in the Union has outlawed cannibalism,” said Lubchenco, “so I don’t recommend devouring grandma except as a last resort.”

In a related story, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency press conference late last night to assure a panic-stricken public that the state was prepared to handle anything that Mother Nature could throw at it.

Governor Deal told reporters that at enormous expense to the state, a fleet of over 300 trucks was dispensing a toxic mixture of salt, sand, and radioactive fracking compounds all over the roads of Metro Atlanta, even though temperatures were nowhere near low enough for ice to form.


Governor Deal warned the residents of rural counties in North Georgia that winter sports should be left to the experts

“We want to err on the side of caution,” said Deal. He assured the public that the money spent contaminating the roads could be replaced by pirating funds from public school systems as is usually done for idiotic projects.

Deal told reporters that if temperatures remained above freezing as was expected, the public should be aware that water in the form of a liquid could fall from the sky making objects around Atlanta wet.

“Puddles could form on sidewalks that could damage leather shoes and whatnot,” said Deal. “The public should remain alert and aware of all the dangers associated with this substance.”

Deal also warned that those venturing out after the trucks got rolling should just drive around and stay inside their vehicles so that they would not be unnecessarily exposed to carcinogenic compounds in the sludge.

“Our health care system is already at the breaking point as it is,” said Deal. “We don’t need a rash of tumors popping up this summer.”



Weather Channel To Begin Naming Cloudy Days


ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – As of March 1st the Weather Channel will start assigning names to cloudy and overcast days, according to an announcement made this morning by Weather Channel spokesman Robert Buffoon.

“Cloudy days represent a very real threat to every American, particularly those who live in areas where clouds form,” said Buffoon. “Cloudy days can have a big impact on local economies as well as the psyches of those people dumb enough to let the weather dictate how they feel.”


Buffoon told reporters that the Weather Channel wanted to bring the same level of dread and foreboding to cloudy day reporting as it does hurricane and winter storm predictions. “We really like to instill a sense of impending doom on our viewers”, said Buffoon.

“In some regions of the United States you can even be arrested by overzealous police officers for smiling on a cloudy day, and we want to do our part to prevent this from happening by warning our viewers of impending cloud cover.”

The first cloudy day in March will be named Apocalypse, according to Buffoon. Some other names on the list of cloudy days this spring will include Cataclysm, Debacle, Fiasco, Holocaust, and Tragedy.

“We wanted to name these horrible and deadly weather events in such a way as to cause abject panic among our viewers. When you combine ominous-sounding names with end-of-the-world reporting, it really boosts our ratings, and that’s all we care about,” said Buffoon. “It’s basically the same formula we use with hurricanes and winter storms.”


Buffoon said that no matter what the conditions, brave Weather Channel personnel will carry on the tradition of making fools of themselves on live television.

Buffoon assured reporters that no matter what the danger, Weather Channel personnel would be out making utter fools of themselves from all over affected regions during cloudy and overcast conditions.

“As you know from our record here at the Weather Channel, no one knows how to look like complete idiots better than us,” chuckled Buffoon.

The National Weather Service has not commented on the new policy, but a NOAA meteorologist who wished to remain anonymous told the Atlanta Journal Constitution that “You’re better off calling up your local witch doctor to get your weather forecast rather than relying on those clowns. They can’t predict from one moment to the next whether the sun will come up tomorrow.”