ISIS Leader’s Death Presents Great Opportunity For Deputy Commanders

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DAMASCUS – (CT&P) – The death of Abu Sayyaf and capture of his wife Umm Sayyaf during a raid in eastern Syria last night will provide advancement opportunities and a “chance to shine” for deputy commanders in the area, according to ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

U.S. Special Forces based in Iraq carried out the deadly raid, the White House said this morning.

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ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told reporters that he felt sure one of his junior commanders would take advantage of this great opportunity to “step up and shine” in a new role with added responsibilities and rewards

Abu Sayyaf was a senior ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) leader whose roles included overseeing illicit oil and gas operations, key sources of revenue for the terror group, according to the White House. He also was allegedly involved with the group’s military operations, an accusation that his lawyer F. Muhammad al-Bailey flatly denies.

Sayyaf was purportedly killed in a firefight.

According to Pentagon sources no U.S. personnel were killed or wounded during the action.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who called a press conference today outside his cave somewhere in the middle of the fucking desert, told reporters that although he would miss his friend Sayyaf and his lovely wife Umm, the raid presented a great opportunity for some up and coming junior officers.

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Sayyaf’s second in command, Omar Muhammad Libidinous al-Turgid, escaped injury and capture because at the time of the raid he was in an escape tunnel fucking a goat

“I’m really looking forward to see who is going to step up and fill this important position for us,” said al-Baghdadi, as he picked lice from his beard. “I met several of Abu’s lieutenants last fall at our yearly convention and motivational retreat in Mosul. I think one of those guys will step up, take the goat by the horns and get down to some serious murder and mayhem. I can’t wait to see some of the new torture and execution techniques these guys come up with! You know the younger generation can really be creative.”

Umm Sayyaf, whom U.S. intelligence officials suspect also was an ISIL member and played an important role in terror activities, was taken for questioning to a U.S. military facility in Iraq but was quickly released because according to Delta Force officers the woman was a “giant pain in the ass.”

“I swear to God I’d rather be burned alive that deal with that gibbering bitch for one more minute,” said Captain Billy Bob McSneed of Turd Bluff, Iowa. “I don’t see how the dude lived with that woman. In my opinion we did the guy a favor by killing him.”

Pentagon sources told CNN that no further ground raids were planned at this time, but as soon as Sayyaf’s replacement was named and settled into his new job, Delta would go in and blow his head off as well.

 

Cotton Denies Sending Cyanide Letter

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) issued a statement from his office in D.C. this morning flatly denying that he had anything to do with a letter addressed to the White House which contained cyanide. The letter tested positive for the deadly chemical at an off-site mail screening facility on Tuesday, according to the Secret Service.

“We have nothing to do with this letter, which contained 2.4 ounces of hydrogen cyanide in a Five Hour Energy bottle along with a note that said ‘Drink up, Mr. President,'” said the statement.  “We also have nothing to do with any pipe bombs, anthrax powder, or radioactive medical waste currently in route to the White House in various boxes measuring from 11 to 18 inches in length and 6 to 9 inches in width.”

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FBI analysts are currently comparing the handwriting on the cyanide letter to other letters written by Senator Cotton

Although Cotton and his office continue to vigorously deny accusations that he had something to do with the letter, the Secret Service is currently interviewing his family and staff both in Washington and Arkansas.

Agent Efrem Zimbalist III, who is coordinating the joint FBI-Secret Service investigation told reporters at a news conference today that they are making progress and arrests will be made in the near future.

“Senator Cotton has denied any knowledge of the letter, but crime scene technicians have confirmed that the same brand of purple crayon used in the Iran letter was used on the cyanide package,” said Zimbalist. “Handwriting experts are now comparing the writing on the outside of the package and the note it contained to the scrawls and doodles present on the letter addressed to Iranian leaders earlier this month, and we think we have a match.”

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Senator Cotton’s relatives and staff are being questioned by Secret Service and FBI agents in connection with the deadly letter. An interpreter from rural Arkansas has been brought in to try to facilitate communication with the ignorant hicks.

“The return address on the letter was simply ‘Arkansas’ and some of the same basic misspellings were present in both letters,” said Zimbalist. “There are also smudged fingerprints on the outside of the letter that contain a mixture of cow dung and milk chocolate that are a good match to the Senator’s.”

When asked how law enforcement was able to make such a quick determination of guilt, Zimbalist said that it wasn’t like they were dealing with someone who had a modicum of intelligence like Ted Kaczynski or Eric Rudolph.

“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here,” said Zimbalist, “Cotton is sociopathic, reactionary backwoods hick, not some master criminal. I think we’ll be able to wrap up the investigation rather quickly.”

Senator Cotton’s office said that he would unavailable to comment on the ongoing investigation as he just departed on a six month hunting trip deep in the Canadian wilderness.

 

White House Intruder Crashes Secret Service Shindig

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Omar Gonzalez, the gentleman who jumped the White House fence on Friday, apparently ruined a much-anticipated and long-awaited Secret Service mixer with the female staff of the Brazilian Embassy. He is currently being detained by the Capitol Police.

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Gonzalez, thought to be living out of his car, later apologized to the Secret Service for ruining their get-together and insisted he was only there to assassinate the President

Apparently Mr. Gonzalez was able to jump over the fence and run all the way into the White House, easily sidestepping millions of dollars worth of security, because Secret Service personnel were occupied preparing the dance hall and the Lincoln bedroom for their scantily clad guests from South America.

“The boss had just left on the chopper, the band was warming up, and we were in the process of setting up a wine and cheese bar when this moron jumps the fence and ruins everything,” said Walter “Wild Man” Whitman, a 20-year veteran of the Service.

“I was really looking forward to seeing the gals Madam Fifi was sending over for the party. Everyone on earth knows that Brazilian women have phenomenal butts!”

The Secret Service officers had apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her employees while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup this summer.

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Secret Service personnel apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her “employees” while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup

“We just can’t get enough of that South American poontang,” said Officer Whitman, who hails from Austin, Texas. “I can tell you from experience there just ain’t nothin’ like it. I’m here to tell you, all you stuffed-shirt anti-immigration dudes out are really missin’ out!”

Gonzalez’ “leap of faith” is only one in a series of security breaches involving the White House in recent years. Several mental midgets have jumped the fence and run around the White House grounds like squirrels on crack, and one or two have even made it inside to state dinners.

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The unfortunate Gonzalez incident is not expected to put a damper on the annual Secret Service Halloween costume party, a perennial favorite with rookie officers

Gonzalez himself has been pulled over several times in his vehicle while carrying hatchets, machetes, shotguns, hundreds of rounds of ammo, a map of the White House, and a well-worn copy of Assassination For Dummies.

What puzzles the White House press corps is why Gonzalez has never been arrested before Friday. Sheriff R.W.

Scrotum of Fairfax County Virginia explained:

“Mr Gonzalez has been pulled over several times by my deputies but we never had any grounds to hold him,” said Scrotum. “He was only carrying some hunting knives, couple of assault rifles, a few grenades, and an RPG. I mean, it wasn’t like he had any drugs or cash on him or anything.”

Mr. Gonzalez is set to be arraigned later this week for trespassing on government property and the more serious charge of obstructing and interfering with federal officers while in the process of partying.

 

Obama Responds To Syrian Objections Over Airstrikes: “Fuck You Bashar!”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Responding to Syrian objections over the Administration’s plans to fly combat missions against ISIS in Syrian territory, President Obama told journalists at the White House that as far as he was concerned, Bashar Assad could “Fuck off and die.”

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The President scoffed at Assad’s promises to turn the U.S. Air Force into a heap of smoking wreckage in the “Mother of All Air Battles”

In a speech to the nation last night, Mr. Obama said the United States was recruiting a global coalition to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the militants, known as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. He warned that “eradicating a cancer” like ISIS was a long-term challenge that would put some American troops at risk.

“We will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Mr. Obama declared in a 14-minute address. “That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq,” he added, using an alternative name for ISIS. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Mr. Obama specifically stated that he would not place U.S. “boots on the ground” in Iraq or Syria, which most intelligent pundits interpreted as meaning that we will have no large ground units in the Middle East like we did in the recent Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but did not preclude the use of special forces units and forward air observers.

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Mr. Obama has been practicing his “full moon maniacal dictator look” in the mirror in case he needs it as the war with ISIS heats up

Although Mr. Obama has received political support from both parties on his policy statement, some pundits on the far right, particularly those who depend on Fox News for their income, have criticized the President for not going far enough. In addition, several members of the wing nut radio talk show crowd, along with former members of the Bush Administration, continue to blame Obama for the whole situation.

“The Bush Administration and its cheerleaders caused this clusterfuck by invading Iraq in the first place,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Anyone who listens to Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity on this subject needs his head examined anyway. They’re best bet is to shut the fuck up, that way they won’t sound so ignorant.”

Obama Holds Urgent Talks With Leaders Of Countries Under No Threat Whatsoever

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the ongoing third-world crises in Iraq, Ukraine, and Ferguson, Missouri, President Obama flew to a region under no particular immediate threat whatsoever in an attempt to confuse our enemies into thinking we have no fucking idea what we are doing.

At a press conference in Estonia, Mr. Obama pledged unwavering support for Poland and the Baltic countries in the event that Russian troops invaded and took over the region.

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Russian President Vladimir Putin assured members of the press that Russia had no intentions of invading as he personally reconnoitered the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River.

“I want the people of the Baltic Rim to know that if Russia ever poses a threat to their freedom, the full might of the U.S. military will hovering somewhere in the general vicinity, ready to look mean and issue dire threats to the invading Cossacks,” said the President.

“The people of Estonia will never stand alone against the Russian threat,” said Obama, “the people of the United States will stand firmly behind you and think pleasant thoughts as you are enslaved once again by oppressors from the East.”

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Photographs taken by Ukrainian military intelligence seem to suggest that the Russians are directing rebel artillery fire from airborne platforms.

The President also outlined his plan for defeating the savage religious zealots of ISIS, currently running amok in Syria and parts of Iraq.

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Putin continues to insist that all he wants is peace, and offered this puppy to the president of Ukraine as an expression of love between the people of the two nations.

“We have initiated an emergency war plan called ‘Operation Dropkick,’ which calls for the redeployment of a crack unit of shock troops to Iraq in order to fight the terrorists of ISIS,” said Obama.

Obama told journalists that the shock troops, known for their brutality and lack of compassion, consist of the combined police forces of Ferguson and St. Louis County Missouri. They will be airlifted along with all their military equipment to Baghdad next week and transported (via forced busing) to the front lines, where they will be turned loose on the vile and evil terrorists.

“This combined force, known as the ‘Devil’s Brigade,’ will be the spearhead of our effort to wipe ISIS off the map,” said the President.

The President told members of the press that the “Devil’s Brigade” was originally slated to fight in eastern Ukraine, but it was thought that the unit would not be able to work up enough hatred to fight members of its own race, so it was redirected to Iraq.

“As long as the Kurds keep those bigots pointed in the right direction, I have confidence that our problems with ISIS will soon be over,” said Mr. Obama.

While Obama was talking tough in Estonia, leader of the Russian hordes Vladimir Putin was conducting solo reconnaissance missions of the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River. He still assures the world that Russian intentions are completely peaceful and he has no plans for invasion within the next 8 to 24 hours.

President Obama Clarifies Administration’s ISIS Policy: “We Are Fucking Clueless”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a White House press conference yesterday President Obama outlined U.S. policy regarding the group of savage religious zealots known to the world as ISIS. The position has been described by pundits as a policy “hovering somewhere between vague and nebulous.”

Although the Administration has ordered around 100 airstrikes on ISIS targets around Iraq, it waited until it was almost damn well too late to do so, and it has stopped short of bombing targets located within the borders of Syria, thus giving the Stone Age terrorist cretins a safe haven from which to operate.

“We don’t want to get all crazy and upset the delicate balance of power within Syria,” said Obama. “If we did that, something bad might happen. We’ll eventually get around to some kind of plan, but we just don’t have a strategy yet.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest told reporters that the feeling around the Oval Office was that the Administration should not get bogged-down in another war in the Middle East.

“The consensus is that we need to avoid this clusterfuck at all costs, and leave it for Hillary to clean up,” said Ernest. “She can handle it in 2017 after she takes office. Hell, she’s better suited for this kind of thing anyway. Have you ever seen that bitch when she gets pissed off? She’ll wipe the floor with those ISIS Neanderthals.”

When asked by a journalist why the White House was not concerned with Fox News and talk radio dullards making political hay from the Administration’s flaccid policy, Ernest replied “We’ve never been concerned with getting the white homophobic bigot vote anyway. It’s just not our demographic.”

General Erik Shinseki To Be Executed On June Sixth

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At  a press conference this morning White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that Veteran’s Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki has been arrested and condemned. According to Carney, Shinseki will be executed on June 6th as part of the annual observance of the D-Day invasion of 1944.

Carney told journalists that Shinseki made President Obama’s infamous “kill list” late last week after it became apparent that the V.A. scandal was not going to simply blow over.

Shinseki, now considered an enemy of the state,  was dragged from his bed in the early hours of the morning, stripped naked, and transported to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation regarding his failures to get V.A. wait times and medical care updated to at least the medieval level. The NSA has contacted Edward Snowden to see if he has any records in his possession that would help “frame up” Shinseki and place most of the blame on him for the deplorable state of affairs over at the V.A.

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The NSA has contacted Edward Snowden in an attempt to obtain surveillance records that could help incriminate Shinseki

The Obama Administration has been under intense pressure from both sides of the aisle over the latest in a series of reports that indicate that the V.A. is being run “like a field hospital during the Crimean War.”

Carney told journalists that President Obama was “irritated, outraged, nauseated, upset, irked, troubled, and disturbed by the report, and Shinseki seemed like the appropriate scapegoat given the current situation.”

Other administration officials were equally perturbed. Secretary of State John Kerry broke out in hives and suffered from projectile vomiting upon reading the report, which he termed “Kafkaesque.” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell is said to be suffering from irritable bowel syndrome and dysentery after reviewing the situation. After he read the report Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel had multiple seizures and had to be hospitalized. (In a private facility in outside Arlington)

Republican response was similar. Speaker of the House John Boehner broke down and sobbed during a session of Congress today and had to be assisted by aides to his favorite Georgetown pub, The Right Winger. Senator Ted Cruz expressed his outrage by spinning his head around 360 degrees while spewing pea soup a la Linda Blair. Representative Michele Bachman called a quick press conference and demanded action saying “Our brave Civil War veterans deserve better treatment than this.”

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Speaker Boehner cried so hard after reading the report he had to receive intravenous fluids in order to ward off dehydration

Carney told reporters that the sacrifice of General Shinseki was regrettable but necessary in order to deflect blame from the president and make it appear that the White House was actually doing something about the problems at the V.A. “The real problem we have here is that we just can’t stop these damn leaks,” said Carney. “That fucking report should never have been made public. We were just observing a time-honored tradition in this country of treating veterans like pig shit and then some moron has to let that report leak out. It’s unforgivable, and I’m afraid Eric has to pay the price.”

General Shinseki’s method of execution has not yet been decided. Some within the administration are pushing a plan for a public crucifixion on Capitol Hill that would last for hours and allow the general public to file by and enjoy the spectacle. Others prefer a simple gun shot to the back of the head down at Gitmo after which Shinseki would be fed to the hungry sharks circling the facility waiting for the next terrorist corpse. However, it seems probable that considering General Shinseki’s long record of serving his country he will at least be given the honor of a firing squad.

Currently Shinseki is being water-boarded around the clock in order to ascertain just what the hell he knew and when he knew it. So far no pertinent information has been garnered, but CIA interrogators told Newsweek that is not unusual at all during the first few days of questioning, because it’s hard to understand a drowning man.

Carney told journalists that everything should be back to normal by this time next year and veterans could expect to receive the same shitty care they always have at the V.A. He also emphasized that by the time the next generation of young male cannon fodder reaches the age of 18 all this will be a distant memory and the kids will no doubt jump at the chance to participate in the next senseless bloody conflict the old men in Washington conjure up.