ATLANTA – Gleeful anchors at the Weather Channel are warning viewers from Western North Carolina all the way to the Northeast that their forecast for Winter Storm Stella indicates that it could bring death and destruction on a scale not seen since the last winter storm forecast they fucked up earlier in the year.
“The tables have turned on the Northeast after a very warm winter, but jack frost is about to get his revenge on the East Coast,” chuckled a delighted Tom Niziol, chief winter storm expert and doomsayer for the network.
“Winter Storm Stella will come in two parts. An initial disturbance in that jet stream will produce the stripe of snow through this weekend in the Midwest and South. However, a much sharper plunge of the jet by next week should spin up a strong low-pressure center off the East Coast, raising the potential of a nor’easter with heavy snow and wind for parts of the Northeast.
“If we’re lucky, this could mean a variety of emergency conditions in New England and its environs, which in turn could lead to numerous deaths among the elderly and the very young as power outages and stalled vehicles take their toll on human life,” said a grinning Niziol.
“We have high hopes for this one.”
ATLANTA – Anchors at the Weather Channel are warning that thousands could still die as the result of Winter Storm Niko which is currently pounding the northeast.
Reporting from Pawtucket, Rhode Island, an area that was not getting any fucking snow at all at the time, anchor and Weather Channel resident lunatic Jim Cantore gleefully pointed out that thousands of people have been stranded by canceled flights, leaving them susceptible to frostbite, hypothermia, or instant death from the large number of lightning strikes accompanying this storm.
Although considered profoundly unhinged by many of his co-workers, a judge has determined that Cantore poses no threat to himself or others
“Just look at Connecticut! It’s saturated with lightning strikes! And there’s more to come!” yelled a maniacal Cantore, while pointing a three iron at the sky to emphasize his point.
Cantore advised everyone within 500 miles of New York city to cower indoors like rats in a burrow in order to avoid the elements and extend their lives for a few precious hours.
He advised residents of Manhattan to seek shelter in outdated, vermin-infested 1950’s era fallout shelters deep below ground.
“The worst is yet to come,” said a smiling Cantore, doing his best impression of the Abominable Dr. Phibes.
“I feel certain that we’re going to see the body count rise on this one.”
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Early this afternoon Weather Channel anchor and crazed lunatic Jim Cantore advised viewers in the southeastern United States to be sure that their wills were updated before Winter Storm Helena hits this evening.
“I can’t stress this enough: many of you people are fucking doomed,” said a gleeful Cantore.
“This storm packs quite a punch and it could be days for we dig out. If you’re old or infirm your best bet is to make sure your life insurance is paid up and your will is updated. You wouldn’t want your kids to have to pay to have you buried or cremated when the authorities finally find your decaying body, now would you?” said the maniacal meteorologist.
In 2005 Cantore refused to leave his bathtub for a week after some minor flooding along the Chattahoochee River failed to kill thousands as he had predicted.
This isn’t the first time Cantore has lost his small mind during an extreme weather event. In 2010 the foreboding forecaster was treated for scrotal frostbite after coming unhinged and stripping off all his clothing during a thundersnow event.
Cantore closed his segment by advising viewers that were already feeling a little post-holiday depression to go ahead an commit suicide now in order to avoid the pain involved in freezing to death or skidding under a tanker truck, causing it to explode and slowly burning alive.
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During his 11 A.M. Hurricane Matthew update, Weather Channel anchor and resident village idiot Jim Cantore told viewers that although most of the Florida east coast had dodged a bullet, there was still ample time for the storm to swerve the west and completely destroy the Sunshine State.
“Catastrophe could strike any minute,” said a nervous Cantore, as a wind and rain machine pelted him with palm fronds and litter from a nearby McDonald’s dumpster. “This storm could take a left turn and churn across the Florida peninsula like an out of control rototiller, effectively turning the entire state into a large island devoid of any law and order.”
While Cantore seemed obsessed by the threat Matthew still posed to Florida, hurricane specialist Carl Parker stressed the danger that still looms over the Georgia and South Carolina coastlines.
“Millions could still die,” said a smiling Parker. “This storm could regain its intensity and hit the Georgia coastline, barrel all the way to Atlanta like a runaway train, and explode like a nuclear bomb. Or, it could skirt the coast until it reaches Charleston, turn out to sea, then reverse course and flatten the city like a fucking pancake. We just don’t know at this point.”
Other anchors and meteorologists pitched in with their own warnings saying that the storm could precipitate a nuclear winter, Biblical floods, or even a zombie apocalypse.
“We’re not out of the woods yet,” said the ubiquitous Sam Champion as he wandered around a Burger King parking covered in three inches of water, “this storm could still mean the end of mankind. Thanks a lot Obama!”
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel announced that because of the size and intensity of Hurricane Matthew management has deemed it necessary to pull its patented orgasmitron out of storage in the basement of their headquarters on Peachtree Street. “We just felt like it was the prudent thing to do,” said Weather Channel President David Clark.
“The last time I saw the team this horny was during Hurricane Katrina in 2005,” he said. “Katrina hit in August, and by May of 2006 the hospitals in metro Atlanta were literally overrun with newborns.
Clark asked residents of Atlanta to do their part to help by contributing any sexy outfits or bondage equipment they currently aren’t using.
“It was one helluva party. By the time all the bodies were counted, we went through over three 55 gallon drums of cinnamon flavored Astroglide, twelve 32 oz containers of Studmaster Male Prolong Cayenne Pepper Sauce, an entire case of Viagra, and God knows how much alcohol, blow, and amphetamines.
“We hope the orgasmitron will help satisfy some of our female staff during the storm because frankly some of us are getting up there in age and we just don’t think we can keep up with a storm of this size.
“If anyone would like to help come by our offices. We have drop-off bins set out on the sidewalk for any lubricant, sex toys, or bondage costumes and equipment you may want to contribute.
“Don’t forget that we’re here to protect you, the public. The life you save may be your own!”
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Weather Channel anchor Buford G. Alarmist told viewers in the southeast this morning that if they wanted to survive the next 48 hours they should immediately move to basements, civil defense shelters, or caves in their area and stay there for the duration of Spring Deathstorm Armageddon.
“Armageddon has the potential to completely wipe out the old Confederacy,” said Alarmist. “The few parts of the south that have survived President Obama’s scorched earth policies could very well be destroyed in the next two days.
“I advise anyone who does not have a basement or crawlspace to call in sick to work and start digging a slit trench immediately. Be sure to stock it with canned goods and rice. If you manage to survive this week, you can use it to hunker down during the upcoming Clinton presidency. It may be your only hope.”
According to teary-eyed co-anchor Molly Mulebutt Deathstorm Armageddon, the first spring storm of the season, may be last one the Weather Channel is able to report on because more than likely we’ll all be dead by the time the next one hits.
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising those viewers who have poorly functioning frontal lobes due to head injuries, strokes, or frequent trips to Flint, Michigan, that they should avoid wandering aimlessly in the streets in front of active snow plows, particularly in blizzard conditions when the driver can barely see where the fuck he’s going.
Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion made it clear that although it’s fun to play in the snow and enjoy the unusual conditions, one should try to stay alive while doing it.
“Just because there are no cars on the roads doesn’t mean that your life is not in danger when you walk around in the snow-covered streets,” said Champion. “Snow plows are large, heavy vehicles often piloted by underpaid employees whose only qualifications for the job are the fact that they are breathing and have a valid driver’s license.
“Many drivers take advantage of the conditions to get drunk or high before plowing the streets and are totally unaware of what is going on around them, and during a blizzard they may not even see your sorry ass. So if you are going to go risk going outside in these deadly conditions, then don’t walk around or lie down in the street.”
Champion also suggested that anyone going outside their home when one inch or more of snow was on the ground should wear a goose down mountaineering suit, huge, unwieldy boots with crampons, full body armor, a football helmet, and carry supplemental oxygen in a massive tank on their back. He also said that for even a short journey out-of-doors, you should carry enough food and water to last a week in case you’re trapped in a snowdrift or engulfed by an avalanche pouring off your neighbor’s roof.
“You just never can be too careful, and we at the Weather Channel want everyone to stay safe while we celebrate the number of road closures, premature deaths due to exposure and car accidents, and the billions of dollars lost to the economy by Winter Storm Jonas,” concluded a breathless Champion.