NRA Blames Oregon Shooting On ‘Gun Free’ Zones


WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this evening, CEO and Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre blamed today’s mass shooting in Oregon on dangerous ‘gun free zones’ around schools, churches, and government buildings.

The shooting, in which at least 13 were killed and at least 20 more wounded, occurred at Umpqua Community College, which has about 3,000 students, in a rural community about three hours south of Portland. The first calls came in at 10:38 a.m., local officials said, and the college was put on lockdown as a number of law enforcement agencies responded.

The gunman died after an exchange of gunfire with the police.

The NRA was quick to respond to the tragedy, releasing a statement even as the last bullets were being fired by the perpetrator and law enforcement. The statement emphasized that if only we could do away with liberal politicians and communist school administrators that push for gun free zones around schools and other public buildings these types of senseless tragedies could be avoided.

At LaPierre’s presser later in the day LaPierre stressed that the only way to stop mass shootings in America was for every citizen to be armed from childhood to death with automatic weapons and large capacity magazines.

“We have to stop this senseless violence,” said an emotional LaPierre. “The NRA has always been against these dangerous gun free zones. Whenever any group of people is walking around unarmed it’s just asking for trouble. In the next session of Congress, we intend to push for a bill providing free or discounted weapons to all Americans. And it’s not just guns we need. We’ve partnered with our friends in the manufacturing sector to push for the legal ownership of RPG’s, flamethrowers, and crew-served automatic weapons.

“We also believe that everyone in the U.S. should own a shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missile in case one of these nuts decides to attack a school in a private aircraft. It just makes good sense.”

President Obama, who earlier in the day expressed his sadness after hearing of the shooting, responded to LaPierre by saying: “Wayne LaPierre is a giant prick.”



NRA Advocates Open Carry Permits For The Blind And Mentally Deranged



CJ “Buttplug” Grisham, president and CEO of Open Carry Texas, came out in favor of issuing gun permits to the blind, the mentally deranged, and people suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Although most Americans are no longer surprised by the idiotic policy positions taken by gun advocate groups such as the NRA, the public was somewhat taken aback this week when the powerful and apparently unhinged organization came out in favor of issuing “open carry” permits to blind people.

Earlier this week, a commentator for NRA News raised eyebrows with a video making the case for letting the blind and other inappropriate groups of people legally carry guns in public. Most Americans don’t agree, a new HuffPost/YouGov poll shows.


Open Carry Texas has long advocated issuing open carry permits to psychotics and the criminally insane

In fact, only 23 percent of Americans said it should be legal for the blind to own guns at all, while 51 percent said it should be illegal. Democrats (62 percent to 12 percent) and independents (50 percent to 25 percent) were more likely to oppose allowing the blind to own guns.


If the NRA gets its way, even Alzheimer’s patients will be issued permits to carry automatic weapons

Republicans, being Republicans, showed less wisdom on the issue and were fairly evenly split, with 33 percent in favor, 34 percent opposed and 33 percent not sure. Which begs the question, how can one not be sure whether a fucking blind person should be allowed to own a gun?

Even fewer Americans said the blind should be able to obtain permits to carry guns in public.

Only 16 percent said they support open-carry permits for the blind, while 66 percent said they were opposed. Seventy-seven percent of Democrats, and 63 percent of independents said they were against it. Even Republicans showed a modicum of common sense on the issue, with 55 percent saying they were against allowing the blind to carry guns outside the home.


Creepy NRA Vice President Vincent “Price” Magillicuddy, who refuses to leave the safety of his underground bunker, wholeheartedly agrees with LaPierre’s proposals. Magillicuddy, who was a ventriloquist before serving a stint in an insane asylum in Great Britain, lives with his cancerous cat Toby and only communicates through a life-like doll named Simon.

However, what may be most disturbing to the sane members of the American public is that the video also called for the government to issue free open carry permits to mental patients, Alzheimer’s sufferers, teens, children and even toddlers, as long as they were white. The NRA seemed to draw a line at allowing infants, black people, Hispanics, or other minorities to own or carry guns.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told a gathering of reporters that “The only thing that insures the future of our fragile republic is advanced weaponry in the hands of ordinary citizens, and we don’t want to discriminate against any people we are not already discriminating against. Therefore we advocate issuing permits basically for anyone who has a pulse and is white.”

When a reporter told LaPierre that gun fatalities will surpass even automobile accidents as the number one cause of accidental death in America over the next few years, LaPierre said, “You don’t actually believe those statistics do you?”


An NRA splinter group, Nuns With Guns, has pushed for open carry permits across the U.S. for over a decade now. It seems that pulling a rifle or assault weapon from under a habit takes “too damn much time.” Sally Field, spokesperson for the group, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “When confronted with someone who needs to meet Jesus in person, reaction time is critical.”

“Those misleading figures have been compiled by the same homosexual scientists that are part of the worldwide conspiracy to convince us that the climate is changing. Those cretins are out to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. It’s a travesty!”

Although the demands of the NRA will almost assuredly not be met on a national basis, the organization is optimistic that individual state governments will be stupid and foolhardy enough to go along. Iowa has already begun issuing gun permits to the blind, and states such as Texas and Georgia have embraced a “guns for anyone who can hold one in his demented hand” policy.

“We feel like that through a combination of well placed bribes, political pressure, and out and out blackmail, we can pressure weak minded Tea Party states into accepting our absurd and dangerous proposals,” said LaPierre.

On a related note, Walmart announced that it has bought over five million Kevlar vests from China that will be on sale soon at discounted prices throughout the southeast.



One Cretin and a Funeral


TAMPA-A dispute over texting inside a crowded movie theater in Tampa, Florida ended in a shooting, leaving one man dead, his wife injured, and an ex-cop charged with murder. The incident occurred while the parties in question were viewing “Lone Survivor” at the Grove 16 Theaters in Wesley Chapel, north of Tampa.

According to eyewitnesses, the argument began when Curtis Reeves Jr., 71, an ex-Tampa police officer who is apparently insane, objected to 43-year-old Chad Oulson’s texting. The argument escalated when Oulson refused to do as commanded by Reeves and his wife. Reeves then left the theater briefly and returned. The debate resumed, voices were raised, and popcorn was thrown. The accused then whipped out a pistol and fired.

Oulson’s wife was hit in the hand as she tried to protect her husband. Oulson was hit in the chest and later died. A witness stated that Oulson said, “I can’t believe…” before collapsing. Neither can anyone else, Mr. Oulson.

Pasco County Sheriff Department spokesman Doug Tobin stated that “It ended almost as soon as it started.” He said that a “Good Samaritan” was able to disarm and hold the suspect until police arrived. Reeves has been charged with second-degree murder.

Tampa Police spokeswoman Laura McElroy said in a press release that Reeves retired in 1993 as a captain and was instrumental in forming the agency’s first tactical response team. After retirement Reeves worked security for Busch Gardens theme park and was on the board of a local Crime Stoppers organization. When asked if the Tampa Police Department was in the habit of hiring bloodthirsty homicidal maniacs and putting them in positions of power, McElroy replied, “Well of course, this is Florida you know.”

In a hastily called news conference Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association used the incident as an example of how a tragedy could have been averted if only “oppressive” gun-control laws were further relaxed. “This incident goes to show just how dangerous texting is, and every law-abiding citizen should be armed and ready to meet the threat” said LaPierre. “If everyone in that theater had been armed, including the small children, then this tragedy could have been avoided. You simply cannot bring popcorn to a gunfight and expect to win.” When asked by a reporter to clarify his statement because it made no sense, LaPierre replied, “I represent the NRA. I don’t have to make any sense!”

The tragedy that occurred in this movie theater may seem unbelievable to sane Americans, but when you live in a state that allows its citizens to legally gun-down unarmed civilians on a whim, incidents such as this become the new normal. The craziest part of the whole story is that detectives who interviewed the unhinged Mr. Reeves actually considered if he was justified under the “Stand Your Ground” law. Thank God they got it right this time and charged Reeves with murder.

Chad Oulson leaves behind a wife and a three-year-old daughter. He was a finance manager at Sky Power Sports in Port Richey and loved motocross, sports of all types,  and traveling. He was 43 years old.