Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Announces Plans To Carpet Bomb Flint

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LANSING – (CT&P) – Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R) announced today that he is ordering the Michigan Air National Guard to carpet bomb Flint “until the entire fucking city is flattened.”

A spokesman for the governor told CNN that Snyder was “sick and fucking tired” of Flint residents bellyaching about lead in their water, the outbreak of Legionaires’ disease ravaging the city, and the guillotining of citizens who commit misdemeanors within the city limits.

“If these people don’t like the way Governor Snyder is running things in Flint, then they can just die along with all the rest of his Democrat opponents,” said Maximilien Robespierre, Snyder’s chief of staff.

“All these folks do is whine about representative government and clean drinking water,” said Robespierre, as wiped blood from corner of his mouth. “They should be glad they live in a state that’s run by a right-wing Christian governor like Rick. There’s plenty of places on earth where people are forced to drink their own urine because there’s no water at all. If you ask me the residents of Flint have it made.”

Snyder, considered by many to be the Antichrist, was once an up and coming star of the Republican Party until he began poisoning the children of Michigan with lead and other heavy metals.

“Poisoning kids is where we have to draw the line,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “I mean if they were all black or Hispanic that would one thing, but Snyder ruined the lives of a bunch of white kids as well, and we can’t abide that.”

According to the governor’s office the bombing is set to begin on Sunday morning in honor of Jesus, because Snyder claims to rule by divine right. As an act of kindness pamphlets warning of the city’s impending doom will be dropped on Flint Saturday along with canisters of mustard gas which is intended to drive as many residents out of the city as possible before the bombing begins.

“It should be quite a show,” said a gleeful Robespierre.

 

Weather Channel Warns Viewers That Heavy Rain Can Cause Flooding

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Anchors on The Weather Channel warned viewers in Texas and the southeast this morning that large quantities of water falling from the sky could possibly cause flooding.

Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion, anchor of the hit show America’s Morning Headquarters, a show that specializes in telling viewers what they already fucking know, told viewers that water, when coming down in fucking buckets from the leftovers of Hurricane Patricia, could conceivably cause problems for people in the path of the Biblical deluge.

“We like to err on the safe side and when possible induce as much panic as we possibly can,” said Champion, who, like the Weather Channel itself, is known for his brilliant grasp of the obvious.

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Champion told viewers not to panic just yet but building six-foot dikes around their homes might be wise. He reassured his audience that The Weather Channel’s experienced personnel would be standing around in the rain reporting the same thing for hours on end for the duration of the apocalypse.

“We’ve called all the governors of the southeastern United States and warned them that water was coming, and water can cause all kinds of problems. We also let them know that we will be monitoring the situation closely, and we’ve sent out scores of barely functional reporters dressed in Weather Channel rain coats and hats to stand around in puddles and let us know just how wet the water is.

“You just can’t be too careful with water,” continued Champion, “as everyone knows, an American drowns in a bathtub, spa, or hot tub every day in America. Water is dangerous as hell and we should all be terrified of it.”

Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana told the Times Picayune that he was grateful for the warning.

“I for one am grateful for the Weather Channel,” he said, “I never would have noticed that it’s raining cats and dogs outside if I hadn’t watched Sam’s show this morning. I make it a habit to tune in every morning so I know whether the sun is shining or not.”