Habersham County Cop Wins Coveted “NAZI Stormtrooper Of The Year” Award

Police Converge Mass

ATLANTA (CT&P) – Bubba “Catfish” McDim, the Georgia SWAT team member who tossed a stun grenade into a baby’s crib during a drug raid this spring, has been awarded the NAZI Stormtrooper of the Year Award according to Haberham County Sheriff Joey “Heinrich” Terrell.  Although no drugs or weapons were found during the raid, McDim managed to melt the infant’s face and disfigure him for life, an achievement that brought praise from law enforcement agencies from across the country.

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Sheriff Terrell told reporters that Uncle Adolf himself would have been “damn proud” of the team’s actions on the night in question.

“We shore are proud of our Catfish,” said Sheriff Terrell. “All those hours of practice throwing fragmentation grenades at Messican farm workers and carloads of negra teenagers really paid off. Bubba sets a sterlin’ example of just what can be achieved when using deadly force against unarmed civilians.”

McDim will be honored at a gala banquet in Atlanta over the Christmas holidays. The yearly banquet honors militarized police thugs from all over the country who perpetrate abominations on the American public in the name of the “War On Drugs.”

Below is a synopsis of the Habersham SWAT team’s actions that the awards committee used to determine this year’s winner:

 

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Sheriff Terrell, president of the local chapter of the League of Fascist Law Enforcement Personnel, told WSB that although no drugs were found on the raid, melting the baby’s face was an outstanding achievement that just could not go unrecognized by law enforcement.

Of all the botched drug raids that have occurred in 2014, the most appalling took place in Cornelia, Georgia on May 28—when narcotics officers carried out a paramilitary no-knock SWAT raid at 3 AM at the home of Alecia Phonesavanh. The person they were looking for, Phonesavanh’s nephew Wanis Thonetheva, was suspected of making a $50 methamphetamine sale. Thonetheva, however, didn’t even live in Phonesavanh’s home and was nowhere to be found during the raid. But Phonesavanh’s 19-month-old toddler, Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh, was home. After breaking down the door of the Phonesavanh home, one of the brave cops, Officer Bubba “Catfish” McDim, tossed a flash-bang grenade which landed in the baby’s crib, exploded and caused the toddler extensive injuries (including severe burns, disfigurement and a hole in his chest that exposed his ribs). No drugs were found in the home, and Wanis Thonetheva was subsequently arrested without incident.

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The Stormtrooper of the Year award has a rich history and has been given to deserving young officers annually since 1945.

Habersham County officials announced in August that the county would not be giving the Phonesavanh family any assistance with the baby’s huge medical expenses. Members of the SWAT team escaped any criminal charges for the botched raid on October 6 when a grand jury, under threat of lifelong police harassment, found no fault with police procedure on the raid.

“We are here to support our officers no matter what kind of abomination they may perpetrate,” said a trembling Billy Bob McSneed, the jury foreman.

Mildred Fatback of Clarkesville agreed.

“I just don’t see how anyone could ever criticize our brave police officers,” she said, as she looked around nervously, “why, only last week one saved my life by giving me a ticket for going 3 MPH over the speed limit. He also confiscated 53 bucks from me that I could have used to purchase drugs if I actually used them. I’m very grateful.”

Sheriff Terrell told WSB News that the grand jury “did good” and more heinous and deadly “no-knock” raids were planned in the near future.

“There just ain’t no telling what’s goin’ on out dere,” said Terrell. “We may need raid every home in the county just to make sure no one ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong. Who knows what we might find? I know some of the boys are needin’ some new appliances and stereos, so this no-knock thing might just be the ticket for ’em.”

Okra Madness: Daring Police Raid In Bartow County Nets Over 10 Kilos Of High Grade Vegetables

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Cops in Bartow County Georgia made a historic seizure of premium okra on Wednesday morning. A spokesman from the Georgia Bureau of Investigation told reporters in Atlanta that over 10 kilos of high grade seed pods were seized in a pre-dawn raid conducted by a SWAT team from the Governor’s Task Force for Drug Suppression.

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Captain Kermit Stokes led the historic raid which netted over 10 kilos of high-grade okra. He called it “yet another successful operation” in the ongoing War On Drugs.

Dwayne Perry of Cartersville told WSB-TV that he was awakened by a helicopter flying low over his house Wednesday and then some heavily-armed deputies and a K-9 unit showed up at his door. They were all armed with assault weapons, shotguns and stun grenades. They told Perry “they were out looking for marijuana plants.”

What they had seen, apparently, were Perry’s okra plants and a shrub at the end of his house.

Although Perry was not arrested, the offending vegetables were taken into custody. The street value of the okra was estimated to be as high as $5000 but one must keep in mind that the estimate was made by the same idiots that value a pound of pot at 25 to 40 grand.

The okra in question was later distributed amongst the governor’s staff, influential politicians, and high-ranking law enforcement officials as is usually the case when a major bust goes down. The felonious shrub was seized and transported under armed guard to the governor’s wife to plant at their private residence.

“We’re just glad that okra never made it into the mouths of innocent kids,” said Stokes.

“Do you know how much cholesterol is in a 12 cm pod of fried okra? It’s downright scary! I can remember being force-fed boiled okra as a boy on the farm where I grew up. It was like swallowing a bowlful of slime from the creature in Alien. Disgusting!”

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Captain Stokes told reporters that “since almost every annual or perennial looks the same from 5000 feet in the air, we don’t take chances. We consider anyone who maintains a backyard garden to be a dangerous criminal that needs to be investigated thoroughly.”

“And I’ll tell you something else, okra is a precursor ingredient in the manufacture of gumbo and other highly addictive substances. They can do what they like down there in Louisiana, but we are not going stand for letting our kids eat that crap in Georgia. I mean, it’s like hot dogs…who really knows what’s in that stuff?”

Captain Stokes told reporters that although no pot or hard drugs were seized during the raid, he saw no reason to change the modus operandi of the task force.

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Last year, Captain Drake was given a medal after a raid on a white supremacist compound in south Georgia that was thought to be manufacturing methamphetamine and oddly shaped IED’s. Although the target turned out to be a cantaloupe farm owned by relatives of former Governor Jimmy Carter, the raid was hailed as “an overwhelming success.”

“Our standard operating procedure is to fly aimlessly around north and central Georgia and try to spot suspicious plants from heights anywhere from 5000 to 10,000 feet,” said Stokes. “If we see something we think is suspicious, we call in as much firepower as we can muster, including Cobra attack helicopters from the closest Georgia Air National Guard base. You just can’t be too careful because you know how violent and dangerous these potheads usually are.”

“Then we storm the property, terrorize the homeowner, and demand to know which cartel he is associated with. It really is a successful formula. Sometimes we even get to mow down a dog or blow up an infant in a crib. It’s really a rush.”

Mr. Perry, who is retired and raises vegetables strictly for his own consumption, told WSB News that “No wonder we’re losing the Drug War with idiots like these folks running around. My neighbors now refer to me as Scarface. Thank God my chihuahua Ralph was locked in the bedroom. I’m sure these morons would have seen him as “clear and present danger” and roasted him alive with a flamethrower. I intend to sue the Governor and anyone else I can.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Georgia Cops Immolate Infant As Part Of New Drug War Initiative

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Sheriff Terrell is seen here after a raid on what used to be a Section 8 housing tract

ATLANTA (CT&P) – “I stand behind what our team did,” said Sheriff Joey “Kilgore” Terrell of Habersham County Georgia, referring to a 3:00 a.m. no-knock SWAT raid in which a 19-month-old child was severely burned by a flash-bang grenade. “There’s nothing to investigate, there’s nothing to look at,” continued the sheriff, relaying the conclusions of the County DA’s office and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. “Bad things can happen. That’s just the world we live in.”

The raid was carried out as part of state-wide pilot program called “Operation Crib Death.” The initiative is federally funded through the now infamous Patriot Act. Although the cash has been around for a while, Georgia is the first state to actually take advantage of it. The program seeks to “stop drug abuse before it starts” by severely maiming or murdering infants, toddlers, and preschoolers in order to “set an example” of just how dangerous drugs can be.

A spokesman for the GBI told reporters that the raid was an overall success and more “no-knock” warrants and illegal wiretaps will be used in the future. “Listen, the constitution is clear: government has the right to use any force necessary to determine where you live, who you marry, and what you put in your body,” said Corporal Mark “Napalm” Nabob. “We may not be able to regulate firearms in this country, but we can damn sure regulate everything else!”

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A Habersham County SWAT team member trains with a new flamethrower obtained with federal funding to fight the ‘War On Drugs’

The SWAT team involved in the raid that burned the unfortunate infant will be decorated for its brave and decisive action later this week. Singled out for special recognition will be Billy “Fastball” Baker, the courageous officer who actually managed to hit the crib dead center with a stun grenade while cowering behind a bulletproof shield.

“Billy showed exemplary aim and a cool head,” said Sheriff Terrell. “I don’t know three other guys in the southeast that could have made that shot. He’ll get a case of beer for that one!”

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In a raid earlier this spring, Sheriff Terrell responded to rumors of drug use in a Clarkesville middle school by dropping napalm from a police helicopter, thus neutralizing the threat. Only 200 lives were lost in the operation and it was deemed a resounding success

The pilot program that Georgia is using to incinerate its youth was initiated earlier this year as a result of frustration over the abysmal failure of the “War On Drugs” to do anything but make the problem much worse. “We’ve tried stealing drug user’s cars and homes, seizing their cash, killing their dogs and cats, imprisoning them longer than we do murderers and pedophiles, hell, we even shot a great-grandmother to death down in Atlanta, and nothing seems to work,” said Jimmy “Scorched Earth” Johnson of the DEA.

“So a bunch of us got together for a golf weekend and brainstorming retreat and we came up with this new program. We thought, well, there is nothing worse on the planet than people doing drugs in the privacy of their own homes, so if they wind up dead, we’re really doing them a favor,” said Johnson.

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While 19-month-old “Bou Bou” is in a medically induced coma fighting for his life, Habersham County SWAT team members are pulling on their jackboots and preparing for another raid

“That’s right,” added Corporal Nabob, “job number one of law enforcement has to be keeping kids off drugs, and if it means killing a few of them to set a good example, well, that’s what I call ‘tough love.'”

Although the program’s effectiveness has not yet been judged by experts, local law enforcement agencies all over the country are lining up to receive funding. The money will be used to purchase grenades with a greater “kill radius,” flamethrowers, drones armed with Hellfire missiles, and in the case of larger cities such as Los Angeles and New York, tactical nuclear missiles.

“Hopefully, this will make all the money we have spent to imprison our own citizens and ruin so many lives finally worthwhile,” said Johnson. “The ‘War On Drugs’ will never be over, but at least Operation Crib Death will save a few innocent children from the evils of drugs, even if it does kill them.”

 

 

 

Paul and Patty’s Excellent Adventure

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The compromise budget deal worked out by Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senator Patty Murray (D-WA) cleared a key hurdle in the Senate yesterday and seems destined to win Congressional approval late this week. The vote was 67-33 in favor.

The plan overcame token resistance in the House last week by radical right Tea Partiers and various Jacobins on the left. The final tally was 332 in favor and 94 opposed, with 7 abstaining.

The two masterminds behind the bipartisan compromise held a press conference to celebrate the progress of the bill early this morning.

The press conference was held at a pub close to the Capitol called “The Dirty Politician”, where attendees dined on a brunch of lobster and caviar omelettes and enjoyed Don Perignon mimosas at taxpayer expense.

Representative Ryan boasted of the hard work put into the agreement: “Patty and I toiled tirelessly for several weeks in order to come up with this compromise, which in the end was a simple ‘you give 50% and I’ll give 50%’ proposition.” Ryan continued, “This agreement is absolutely the best thing we could come up with for the American people. While not everyone on our side will be happy with it, the plan safeguards important programs we have in place, such as the ‘War on Terror,’ the ‘War on Drugs,’ the ‘War on Gay Marriage,’ the ‘War on Science,’ and the all important ‘War on Obamacare,’ to name a few.”

Senator Murray agreed saying, “Yes, after all the grueling hours of debate we have really come up with a great plan that makes practically no one happy, but it does make government shutdowns less likely. I know some of our folks will be displeased, but at least we protected our key programs such as the ‘War on Poverty’, the ‘War on Traditional Marriage,’ and the critical ‘War on Christmas,’ among others.”

Although the budget deal does practically nothing to slow the growth of a crushing national debt and little to rein in runaway defense spending, leaders of both parties did not seem overly concerned. “We live in a very dangerous world, and we need to continue to spend more than the next 10 countries combined on defense. Otherwise how the hell are we going to continue to cause collateral damage around the world?” Ryan said.

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) added, as he stumbled past the podium, “Paul is right! The NSA for example, should get even more funding. The Orwellian programs we have allowed to blossom on our watch will be invaluable to future politicians looking to control an unruly public! Who is gonna spy on the American people if we don’t do it ourselves?”

Ryan and Murray took no questions from the press and the get-together slowly deteriorated into a love-in between politicians of both parties so common when someone even whispers the term “bipartisan.” Reporters, waiters, and bar-keeps alike were nauseated to the point of needing medical care.

As stated earlier, the budget bill should clear the Senate by the end of the week. President Obama is eager to sign the glorious document into law as soon as it is put on his desk, which no doubt will call for another bipartisan Woodstock-style love festival.

A Thanksgiving Turkey

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Representative Trey “Radical” Radel (Hypocrite-FL) plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession Wednesday after being busted last month as part of a sting operation conducted in our nation’s capital.

Radel was arrested after purchasing 3.5 grams of cocaine from undercover agents whom he had previously invited to “Hip Hop” up to his apartment to partake in the same substance. The agents declined the generous invite but offered to sell him some blow to add to his current inventory. After the deal was struck other agents moved in and arrested the hapless congressman.

After pleading guilty Wednesday, Radel beat feet back to Florida where he checked into a rehab center, but not before holding the obligatory remorseful press conference.

Radel utilized the tried and true canned speech used by so many hypocritical politicians and televangelists the world over after their transgressions are exposed. Radel proclaimed, “Today, I checked myself into a facility to seek treatment and counseling. It is my hope, through this process I will come out a better man. I will work hard to gain back the trust and support of my constituents, friends and most importantly my family.”

Interestingly, Radel, a favorite of the Tea Party, found nothing wrong with his activities before his sinful habits were unveiled. In fact, in the past Radel stated that his favorite vacationing spot was the popular tourist destination Cartagena, Columbia. Also on his short list of “places to kick back” were Amsterdam, Bangkok, Kandahar Airfield, and the Tribal Regions in northwest Pakistan.

As mentioned earlier, Radel was a Tea Party favorite and rising star in Republican politics. He voted along party lines, pushing for a 40 billion dollar cut in food stamp assistance for the poor. He also voted for drug testing of food stamp recipients. After all, it’s only logical to starve those in need of food if they also have a drug problem like Radel does.

Perhaps there is a lesson here for the Tea Party. Radel’s drug use apparently had no effect on his ability to toe the Party line. He did not go berserk and rob his neighbors for drug money, or commit any violent crimes.  Maybe Tea Party efforts to balance the budget would be better spent dialing back the ludicrous and failed “War On Drugs”, which by some estimates costs the U.S. over $100 billion per year, rather than taking food out of the mouths of the poor.

Radel’s political future is uncertain, with some politicians coming to his defense and others preparing to eviscerate him. Radel will receive a year of loosely supervised probation after which he hopes to continue his political career. Unable for comment were the tens of thousands of citizens serving multiple-year prison sentences in Florida for the very same crime Radel committed. This is of small consequence because they will never be able to vote again anyway.

Radel of course has no intention of resigning his lucrative $175,000 per year position. He will therefore not be in need of SNAP assistance any time soon.