F-35 Lands Without Bursting Into Flames

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HURLBURT FIELD – (CT&P) – Officials from Eglin Air Force Base announced today that an F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter landed successfully yesterday without loss of life or destruction of the aircraft.

The F-35 had been participating in a joint operation with the Walton and Bay County sheriff’s departments called “Operation Buzzkill,” a program that provides constant patrols of area beaches to insure that visitors do not have too good a time during their visit to the Gulf Coast.

Rose pigs on Pacific ocean Guatemala beach near Monterico.

Bay County sheriff’s deputies constantly patrol the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” to make damn sure no one has too much fun

“Operation Buzzkill is a forward-looking program that is designed to crush the joy out any young people who think they can come down here and ruin our pristine beaches by smoking a joint, drinking a beer, or God forbid having premarital sex,” said Sheriff Frank “Lard Ass” McKetchup of Bay County.

“We conduct round the clock foot patrols with our few deputies that are not morbidly obese, and the rest of them cruise the strip looking for suspicious activities such as smiling or clowning around. The military takes up the slack with Blackhawk helicopters and jet aircraft armed with miniguns and Hellfire missiles so we can stop trouble before it starts.”

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Beach arrests have plummeted since Operation Buzzkill went into effect mainly because everyone is too fucking scared to go out on the beach

“Buzzkill” has been hailed as a great success by both sheriff’s departments and beach arrests are at an all time low, possibly because everyone is now too terrified to walk outside.

USAF General Buck Turgidson explained that the F-35 in question was one of the first to be used in the program because it is one of the first to be able to fly more than a short distance without malfunctioning and plunging into the sea.

“The original patrol was scheduled for a full hour, but we had to cut the mission short because it was getting warm outside and as we all know F-35’s spontaneously combust when they get too hot,” said the general.

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General Turgidson told reporters that the successful landing was a watershed moment and marked the first time a F-35 mission was completed without massive loss of life.

“Besides, thunderstorms were forecast on the afternoon in question and electrical activity can cause the computer systems on board the plane to go haywire. When this happens pilots don’t have any idea where the fuck they’re going so they just have to punch out and hope the plane crashes into some inanimate object. So we thought it would be best to abort the mission and try to recover the aircraft and the pilot intact.

“I think the main thing to remember here is that we’ve finally managed to land one of these flying washing machines without losing the pilot or demolishing any nearby apartment buildings. I call this a win-win for the air force and the sheriff’s department!”

 

 

 

30-A Moronathon: Idiot Cyclist Dismembered By Idiot Teen In SUV

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Yet another cyclist was needlessly slaughtered on Hwy 30-A in South Walton this morning when a barely functional FSU cheerleader annihilated a moronic cyclist traveling east toward the dark and desolate bowels of nearby Bay County, cradle of cretinism.

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Bike paths along 30-A and other roads near the beach have become more congested since the Green Initiative was adopted to transport tickets and court documents from cases against people actually using the beach to have fun.

Authorities have confirmed that Ms Airhead was texting her football player boyfriend with the results of a recent test for syphilis while lumbering along at over twice the speed limit in her Dad’s 6,000 lb leviathan of an SUV.

According to reports, Ms Airhead swerved to avoid a squirrel and plowed directly into Bernie Numbnuts, a women’s studies professor from Yale who, like so many of his fellow cyclists, steadfastly refused to use the multimillion dollar bike path three feet to his right but instead always insisted on risking his fucking life by sharing the two lane road with miscreants like Ms Airhead.

“The road belongs to us cyclists too, and drivers just need to be patient,” Numbnuts was fond of saying before he was subdivided into seven separate pieces of unrecognizable protoplasm.

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This is not the first time Ms Airhead has been involved in a vehicle on bike collision. Last year she butchered five cyclists and injured dozens of others during the Annual Dumb Ass Cyclist Pub Crawl along U.S. Hwy 98.

After hearing of this latest in a long series of debates between gigantic rolling environmental nightmares and completely unprotected pompous ass cyclists dressed in cutoff wetsuits designed to show off their scrotums, Walton County Sheriff Michael Adkinson remarked, “It’s the height of dumbassery going on down thar at that thar beach. We may be a bunch of ignorant redneck hicks up here in DeFuniak Springs, but at least we know better than to try to share the fucking highway with a bunch of nitwits who never should be behind the wheel anyway.”

Former governor and current presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who lives just down the street from where the accident occurred, took the opportunity to call a press conference and complain about the use of bicycles in areas clearly designed for the use of internal combustion engines. He also said that all cyclists were gay socialists and “were almost all certainly going to Hell anyway.”

No charges are expected to be filed against Ms Airhead as a result of her sausage-making activities because her father is a wealthy lawyer with contacts inside the Florida Republican Party.

Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.

 

What Every Tourist Should Know About Cretonia’s Deadly Rip Currents

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Each year thousands of visitors to the beautiful Florida Gulf Coast fall victim to the deadly rip currents and unpredictable tides lurking just below the surface of the beautiful emerald waters lapping at the edge of Cretonia. Most of these unfortunates are never seen or heard from again until a badly decomposed corpse washes up on a distant beach or a Russian trawler pulls up remains from the sea bed years later.

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Rip currents along the Atlantic and Pacific beaches are usually clearly marked by huge red arrows in the water. Not so in Cretonia.

For years heartless and corrupt county and state politicians have kept these deaths under wraps and have blamed the numerous disappearances on drug or alcohol abuse, insurance scams, or alien abductions. Most of these local politicians continue to insist that the waters are perfectly safe.

We here at the Times disagree and wanted to provide a guide for people who for some reason insist on traveling to northwest Florida (The Land That Time Forgot) on vacation every year so that our readers would at least stand a fighting chance of surviving the ordeal.

A rip current forms because breaking waves push water towards the land. Water that has been pushed up near the beach flows together (as feeder currents), and this water finds a place where it can flow back out to sea. The water then flows out at a right angle to the beach in a tight current called the “neck” of the rip, where the flow is most rapid. When the water in the rip current reaches outside of the lines of breaking waves, the flow loses power, and dissipates in what is known as the “head” of the rip. Sometimes tendrils of left-over current then actually curve back towards the shore.

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No one is safe from Cretonian rip currents. Beloved pets, kids, adults, and even small electric cars have been swept out to sea by the vicious waters.

Cretonian rip currents are particularly deadly, and should be avoided like the plague. Experts have determined that unarmed black teens in St. Louis have a better chance of long-term survival than someone caught in a Cretonian rip tide, so think long and hard before entering the water.

If you are dumb enough to venture into the Gulf, following these easy procedures gives you the best chance of survival, if only for a few extra minutes:

1. If you notice even the slightest tug of outgoing water on your feet or legs let loose a blood-curdling scream as if you had been stabbed in the ribs with a butcher knife. This will to call attention to yourself and allow a crowd of gawkers and other idiots enjoy the show.

2. As the inexorable flow of water pulls you out, fight like hell against the current in an attempt to at least stay stationary. Remember, every inch you lose to the current takes you further away from the beach and all hope of rescue.

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If you are caught in a rip tide, it is best to fight like hell against the current until you can’t fight any more. Remember, every inch you lose to the current reduces the chances of rescue.

3. If you begin to lose the battle with the current, flail and thrash about in the water like a wounded seal. This will attract the attention of the lifeguard and others on the beach who might actually be able to swim to your assistance. It will also let your relatives on the 7th floor of the condo building know that you have only minutes to live and they can start making arrangements for your funeral.

4. Once you are past the sandbar and you see the beach and civilization receding in the distance try to be alert for any grey shadows circling your position. These are the giant man-eating sharks who constantly patrol the entire Gulf Coast in search of an easy meal.

5. If you are lucky enough to spot any of these huge remorseless killers before the inevitable attack, submerge yourself and swim aggressively towards the shark making menacing hand movements. Giant sharks are terrified by mammals that act in a threatening manner. This will at least give you precious seconds to review all the mistakes you made during your lifetime before you are eaten alive.

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When fighting for your very existence it is always best to maintain a death grip on to your sunglasses and cell phone because you will need them in the afterlife.

6. If by some miracle you are able to remain afloat and are not eaten, you will drift further out to sea and eventually out of sight of land. There is always the slight chance of rescue by some wealthy jerk on a sailboat, but more than likely you will be run down by a speedboat, personal water craft, or fishing vessel. Therefore, try to spend most of the time you have left submerged deep enough to avoid the rapidly spinning blades of outboard motors that will turn your flesh into hamburger.

When traveling anywhere, it is always best to follow the old adage, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” You don’t see many native Cretonians on the beach. The know better. Most of them don’t even come out during daylight hours for fear that someone might recognize them and throw them in jail or put them to work.

As Bay County Sheriff Frank “Lardass” McKeithen has noted on several occasions, “the beach and Gulf is there for one reason: to attract young people to northwest Florida so that we can arrest them and wring as much cash as possible out of them and their families while they are trying to have a little fun. All of us who grew up here know better than to get out in that water. It’s just too damn dangerous.”

 

 

When Idiots Collide

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Cyclists along the Emerald Coast are famous for their happy-go-lucky attitude when it comes sharing the road with moronic drivers from every state in the union. The combination all too often results in tragedy and new nominations for the Darwin Awards

SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – A senseless tragedy occurred on 30-A in South Walton over the weekend as yet another dumb-ass cyclist was crushed beneath the wheels of two SUV’s driven by cell phone-wielding drivers more intent on communicating useless information to relatives rather than paying attention to the road in front of them.

The slaughter occurred about one mile east of the intersection of 30-A and State Road 393.

Apparently Beavis Neoprenus, an FSU graduate student from Athens, Greece, was traveling west on 30-A, and like so many other cretinous cyclists, had steadfastly refused to ride on the available bike path in favor of the dangerous-as-hell passenger car lane.

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Some residents along 30-A and highway 98 have taken matters into their own hands by releasing hostile ungulates onto the roadway at odd intervals in order to discourage bike traffic

Meanwhile 85 year-old Greta McButt of nearby Fetid Swamp Retirement Village in DeFuniak Springs came barreling along at about twice the speed limit, knocking Neoprenus ten feet into the air and roughly forty feet from his starting position.

Neoprenus was protected from serious injury from the collision because he was wearing his fancy lightweight protective helmet. However, the expensive protective gear proved of little use when Cynthia Airhead of Panama City Beach ran straight over his skull with her 5000 lb Tahoe. Airhead failed to see Neoprenus lying in the road because she was simultaneously texting her boyfriend and attempting to light her crack pipe with a Zippo.

The unfortunate Neoprenus was pronounced dead at the scene by Deputy Billy Bob McSneed of Melanoma Beach. An investigation is underway as to whether any charges will be filed against McButt or Airhead.

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“It’s all fun and games to these cyclists who laugh and wave at honking motorists until one of them gives the finger to the wrong machete-wielding redneck,” said Sheriff Buttplug

“We see this special form of idiocy all the time down at the beach,” said Walton County Sheriff Buford T. Buttplug. “We have all these dim wits from all over the country coming down here getting drunk and weaving all over the road. When you combine that with the native population, most of whom failed to make it past 6th grade, it makes for very dangerous cycling conditions. I mean, everyone knows that automobiles need to share the road with bikes, but when a cyclist insists on riding on the highway when there is a perfectly good and safe  bike path two feet away, well, it’s just stupid. It would be like insisting on taking a Malaysian Airlines flight when Delta goes to the same destination. I just don’t understand these freaks.”

A ceremony and candlelight vigil for the unfortunate Neoprenus is scheduled to take place in the median of busy Highway 98 at 3 A.M on Saturday night, when the maximum number of drunken and incompetent motorists will be able to view the event and be reminded that they must share the road with other idiots. Cyclists from all over the county are expected to attend.

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Neoprenus lost his life while doing what he loved most, taking stupid chances by cycling inches away from huge vehicles traveling at high speed. His family back in Greece can take solace in the fact that his friends in the states have erected an idiotic shrine for him close to where his head was turned into a gelatinous mush.

Courageous Walton County Deputy To Be Decorated For Defending Community Against Suspected Terrorist

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Law enforcement officers in Cretonia are famous for their bravery under fire. This photo shows members of the Spring Break Buzzkill Implementation Squad, dubbed the “Panhandle Pussies” by the press, responding to reports of teenagers throwing empty Budweiser cans off a balcony in Panama City Beach

DeFuniak Springs (CT&P) – Walton County Sheriff’s Deputy Billy Bob “Dogkilla” Jones will be honored tonight at the annual “Profiles in Courage” banquet sponsored by the Florida Peace Officers Malevolent League. The event will take place at the new 1200 square foot DeFuniak Springs Civic Center. Two other local officers will be honored at the banquet, and the public is encouraged to attend.

Deputy Jones will be receiving the “Courage and Dedication To Duty Shown While Unnecessarily Shooting a Canine To Death Medal of Valor.” The award comes as a result of the actions taken by Jones on September 19, 2013 during an incident involving a dog that wandered a few steps past his yard and growled at the deputy and his police cruiser. Deputy Jones took swift and decisive action. He stepped out of his vehicle, and while exposing himself to grave bodily harm, shot the dog with his “nine.”

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Relieved pensioners look on as members of the Joint Rapid Response Task Force clean out a nest of heinous feral cats located dangerously close to the Methuselah Retirement Community in Geriatric Village, Florida

Also honored will be Deputy Joey “Take It Slow” DeCarlo. DeCarlo will be receiving the “Persistence and Indefatigability While Using Advanced Interrogation Techniques On An Underage Drinker Medal of Freedom.” DeCarlo will be receiving the coveted medal for a March 16, 2013 incident in which he suspended a 17-year-old girl from Tennessee off an eighth floor balcony until she coughed up the name of the ringleader of a vicious gang of spring breakers conspiring to buy beer.

Finally, Florida Fish and Game Officer Billy Frank “Grouper Trooper” Hayseed will be receiving the “Charles Whitman Honorary Sniper Award For Murdering The Most Innocuous Wildlife During an Eight Hour Shift.” Officer Hayseed will be afforded the honor for his efforts on July 7, 2013, when he butchered three gopher tortoises, a black bear and two of her cubs, 16 “rabid” possums, two wayward raccoons, one feral cat, and an unknown number of fish who perished after Officer Hayseed dropped a concussion grenade into Chlamydia Creek from the Ralph R. Scrotum Memorial Bridge.

Walton County Sheriff Buford T. “Bull” Smegma will MC the event and all residents of Walton County (excluding illegal aliens and their spawn) are encouraged to attend. Sheriff Smegma told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that over two dozen tickets to the event have already been sold at $3.50 per ticket. “That brings us close to our goal of raising a hundred bucks for needy families in Walton County,” said Smegma. “When you combine that with all the loot we have stolen from our own citizens by the reckless application of the asset forfeiture laws, well, the booty really starts to pile up.” Before departing in his 2014 Cadillac Escalade, Sheriff Smegma told Bruce, “I sure hope that you or that freak Dickerson will take the time to attend the party tonight. I’d really like my photo in the paper. I’ll be wearing my brand new custom tailored lime green ‘leisure tux.’ I’m really gonna be stylin’!”

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Members of the SWAT team from Yawning Sinkhole, Florida subdue a heinous feline wanted for vagrancy and drug trafficking. Authorities later found her stash of over two pounds of catnip hidden under an abandoned trailer.

Festivities are planned to begin at 7 PM at the Hernando de Soto Memorial Civic Center in DeFuniak. Barbecued horse meat and “mountain oysters’ will served at the banquet and adult beverages will be available at a cash bar. Those not wishing to drink alcohol should bring bottled water as the tap water at the center and the surrounding area has long been a source of encephalitis outbreaks. All proceeds will benefit the families of officers who have had their feelings hurt in the line of duty.

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Every citizen of Cretonia should get down on their knees and thank God for the diligence shown by the brave members of local law enforcement. This photograph shows Bay County deputies on routine patrol to enforce leash laws on Melanoma Beach

 

Editor’s note: A Walton County deputy has just been cleared of wrongdoing in a case where he shot and killed a pit bull mix while it barked and growled at him from his own yard. This did not occur in a trailer park but in a Santa Rosa Beach neighborhood. To be fair, the dog was not restrained and had supposedly caused problems before. However, the cop made no attempt to use pepper spray or a Taser, and did not call animal control and simply wait inside his cruiser for them to take care of the problem. The abominable law enforcement practice of shooting family pets while serving “no-knock” warrants and during routine traffic stops is widespread across the United States and seems to be growing. Since no records are required to be kept of such incidents, no one is sure of the numbers, but thanks to social media the problem is becoming better publicized. The practice is for the most part another hideous consequence of the ill-advised and utterly useless and counterproductive “War on Drugs,” which has gone a long way to shred our 4th Amendment rights. Take it from me as I have firsthand experience in this matter. Everyone who loves animals and thinks that the militarization of our law enforcement agencies is getting completely out of hand should voice his or her opinion. Don’t wait until there is a drone flying in circles over your neighborhood to take some sort of constructive action.

By the way, the Walton County deputy was cleared of wrongdoing by his fellow law enforcement officers.

Walton County Enters Statewide “Mindless and Absurd Arrest” Contest

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The Tidwells are unlikely to be strong public advocates of the “Emerald Coast” as a vacation destination

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Walton County Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Fred Dullard

DEFUNIAK SPRINGS, FL-Fred R. Dullard, spokesman for the Walton County Sheriff’s Department, announced today that Walton will be joining a multitude of Florida counties in the red-hot race for who can make the most moronic and senseless arrests during spring break. Although Walton is a late entry, Dullard expressed optimism for a high finish. “I think we have a good shot at it,” said Dullard. “Our main competition is going to be neighboring Bay County. They are always tough to beat in any contest of incompetence or abuse. Those guys over there just seem to have a knack for fucking things up.”

Walton made its first entry into the contest with the foolish and ill-advised arrest of Philip D. Tidwell’s twenty year old daughter who was here on spring break from Dyersburg, Tennessee. It seems that Ms Tidwell had committed the heinous crime of possessing an unopened alcoholic beverage. Not being 21 years of age, Ms Tidwell thus constituted a clear and present danger to anyone within a ten-mile radius of her position.

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Bay County is a heavy favorite to win the “moronic arrest” contest because of its innovative mobile concentration camps for unruly youthful offenders

The arresting officer, Bobby Joe Vapid of nearby Encephalitis Springs, stated “I just couldn’t let the public be put in danger by Ms Tidwell’s wreckless activities. These damn rich kids come down har and think they can get away with all kinds a terrorist acts. It ain’t right.”

What makes Walton’s entry so impressive are the unintended consequences of Officer Vapid’s arrest. After hearing of his daughter’s incarceration, Mr. Tidwell drove down from Dyersburg to free her from the long tentacles of the law. Upon arriving at the jail in DeFuniak Springs, he was informed of the standard wait time of 7-10 hours before his daughter could be released.

“We try to release prisoners as quickly as possible, depending on the severity of the crime and how attractive they are, if they are female of course,” said spokesman Dullard. “However, when it comes to these hardened criminals from out of state, we have to err on the side of caution. We have a duty to protect the public. Besides, it’s damn hard for many of our nearly illiterate personnel to fill out all the proper forms.”

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Authorities were saddened to see Ms Tidwell released as they had made plans for her future

After having to deal with the absurdity of the arrest and incarceration of his daughter, Mr. Tidwell simply could not take the glacial pace of the release process. He then did what many have fantasized about doing. He grabbed a golf club and beat the shit out of some patrol cars parked in the jail parking lot.

 A local attorney representing Mr. Tidwell quoted him as saying, “Hell, that’s the way we settle scores in the Volunteer state, and I figured Florida would be no different. Without golf clubs and tire irons society would go all to hell.” Mr. Tidwell’s lawyer said that he was slightly intoxicated at the time and regretted the incident. He has offered to pay for the damages.

The last few weeks of the arrest contest should be very exciting. The grand prize is a year-long expansion of the asset forfeiture laws to include parking tickets and restaurant code violations. That potentially means a lot of cash for hard-pressed police and sheriff’s departments. With the race heating up, vacationing students are advised to use extreme caution or choose a more warm and congenial destination this year, like maybe Damascus or Sevastopol.