Air Force Mothballs 18 A-10 Ground Attack Aircraft In Favor Of Plane That Can’t Fire Its Fucking Cannon

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WASHINGTON D.C. – (CT&P) – The Air Force announced yesterday that it is placing 18 A-10 Warthogs, the most feared and effective ground attack aircraft ever built, into back-up flying status in order to move the maintenance staff to work on F-35s, a high tech piece of shit that can rarely get off the ground let alone fire its weapons.

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Among the many problems plaguing the F-35 Lightning is the annoying tendency of the plane to fly upside down. The Air Force explained that this is due to a computer glitch and should be corrected around 2029

Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James and Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh have decided to move the Warthogs to back-up status “as soon as practical,” according to a notice obtained by POLITICO. That includes nine A-10s from Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Arizona, six from Moody in Georgia and three from Nellis in Nevada.

Secretary James told POLITICO that “We need these maintenance personnel to wash the F-35’s and wax their exteriors so they will look good in photographs taken on the flight line. They rarely fly, but dirt and dust accumulates on the planes and it makes them look filthy, and we can’t have that.”

 The 2015 National Defense Authorization Act blocks the Air Force from retiring the fleet, but gives it the option to put 36 planes into back-up flying status, if the defense secretary certified the move was necessary. Chuck Hagel did so earlier this month as one his final idiotic acts before he left office.

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Air Force officials are not worried about mothballing the A-10 because they have plans to spend five billion dollars on a new British ground attack design

The venerable A-10 has been a workhorse for decades, and has proved to be a reliable and low cost ground attack aircraft that can blow the shit out of just about anything. It proved invaluable in both Gulf Wars, immolating and scattering to atoms innumerable enemy troops and jihadis alike.

The A-10 was designed around the 30 mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon that is its primary armament and the heaviest-ever automatic cannon mounted on an aircraft. It also is able to carry a variety of other ordinance such as the Maverick air-to-suface missile, cluster munitions, Hydra rocket pods, and even laser guided bombs, making it “one bad motherfucker” on the battlefield.

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Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that although the F-35 had its problems, it was a good fit for the military-industrial-idiot politician complex, and guaranteed pork barrel spending for decades to come. He told POLITICO that he hopes F-35 cost overruns won’t interfere with plans to build his pet project, the “Doomsday Machine.”

By comparison, the trillion dollar F-35 has trouble turning left, right, and flying in a straight line. Its computer systems are full of glitches that can cause the plane to fly upside down or fire its weapons without warning. It’s just as likely to target an elementary school as it is a tank or enemy aircraft. Furthermore, the flying washing machine will not be able to fire its cannon for at least five years because the Air Force it waiting on a software upgrade.

Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that while the A-10 was a “great plane,” the F-35 costs “one hell of lot more to produce and maintain,” thus guaranteeing a ton of money flowing into Pentagon coffers for years to come.

“The F-35 Lightning may not be able to fly that well, or shoot down enemy aircraft, or support our ground troops attacking ISIS positions, but it looks cool as shit and costs a lot, and that’s enough for the numb nuts in charge of protecting this great country,” said Turgidson.

 

 

 

 

Cuban Air Force Spad Shoots Down F-35 Over Gulf Of Mexico

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – An F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter has been shot down over the Gulf of Mexico by an ancient Cuban Air Force biplane, according to a U.S. Air Force spokesman. The fighter was on a test flight out of Homestead Air Force Base in Lower Cretonia.

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A Pentagon spokesperson told CT&P reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “the F-35 promises to be one kick-ass airplane if we can ever get the thing to fly right-side-up.”

Officials say that the F-35 was having difficulties maintaining level flight, altitude, and direction among other problems. It apparently strayed into Cuban airspace and the Cuban Air Force scrambled a pair of World War I era Spad biplanes to intercept it.

The pilot of the F-35, Benny “Foolhardy” Farris, radioed Homestead that he was “gonna try to get this 135 million dollar piece of shit back into international airspace before all hell breaks loose.”

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The F-35 program has experienced a few minor setbacks

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U.S. Air Force General Buck Churcheson insists that with the proper funding the F-35 will be fully operational by the year 2025

According to radar tracking stations in Miami, Farris did manage to get out of Cuban airspace and back out over the Gulf before the Spads caught up with him. Although the F-35 had a huge speed advantage over the Spads, Farris was forced to fly in lazy circles and take an erratic up and down flight path just to keep the jet in the air, which allowed the slower aircraft to catch up.

As the Spads approached, Farris radioed that he was deploying the giant no más” banner that Lockheed added to the plane’s systems when it became apparent that early production models of the plane were virtually useless in air-to-air combat.

However, the Cuban pilots ignored Farris’ attempt at surrender and blasted the F-35 with Gatling guns purchased as surplus from the British government after the Zulu War of 1879. The stricken plane quickly lost power and plummeted into the sea.

Farris punched out and safely made it to the surface of the Gulf where he was devoured by man-eating sharks already agitated by programming they saw on the Discovery Channel this week.

U.S. Air Force sources have not announced when another test flight will be conducted but it promises to be a wildly entertaining event.

The F-35 program, plagued by cost overruns and multiple groundings, is the most expensive weapons program in history. The GAO estimated the program will cost $12.6 billion a year on average through 2037 — that’s an average of about $1.4 million an hour for the next two and a half decades.

In addition, when asked just who we will be using these jets against, air force generals and politicians alike have so far been unable to come up with a viable enemy.