Douglass Remains Silent On Bowling Green Massacre



WASHINGTON – The White House released a statement today expressing its shock and sadness that up-and-coming civil rights leader Frederick Douglass has remained silent regarding the recent tragedy in Bowling Green, Kentucky in which a number of white Christians were slaughtered by refugees from the Middle East.

“Mr. Douglass’ continued silence can mean only one thing;” said the statement, “that he secretly applauds the actions of these bloodthirsty terrorists who have infiltrated our homeland.”

The perpetrators, an elderly Syrian woman and her seven-year-old granddaughter, had apparently hidden themselves within the tens of thousands of refugees currently flooding every city in the country.

“Somehow they just slipped through the cracks,” said a Homeland Security officer who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being executed by the Administration.

“Our usual method is to just back a ship up to a dock in some port in Yemen and let anyone who wants to jump on board. We make damn sure they aren’t terrorists by making them fill out a three-page questionnaire, and swearing it’s true while putting their hand on a Bible. I can’t imagine how those two managed outwit our vetting process. They must be real masterminds.”

Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet the Press today that given the seriousness of the situation the Administration will have to re-think its relationship with Mr. Douglass and other civil rights leaders.

“If Mr. Douglass and his fellow black leaders aren’t even going to acknowledge the tragic loss of life in Bowling Green, then if you ask me they have no place in American society.”

Conway then went outside the studio, mounted her unicorn, and rode back to the White House.



Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Executive Orders



WASHINGTON – In a ceremony at the White House this morning President Trump signed an executive order effectively banning any future executive orders. The order is to take effect immediately.

“Executive orders have done more to destroy this country than any other thing I can think of,” said the President as he held up what appeared to be a Denny’s restaurant menu for the assembled press to see.

“I was elected to give power back to the people, and you don’t do that by being a tyrant like Barack Obama,” said the illiterate orange turd.

“In the future 27% of the eligible voters in this country will decide everything for the rest of the population, not some dictator drunk on his own power,” said the miscreant with bad hair and a micropenis.

Kellyanne Conway, appearing on CNN after the ceremony, told viewers that this particular executive order was all Trump’s idea and she didn’t think he had quite thought this one through.

“He may want to go back and rescind this particular executive order with a new executive order,” she said, as her face appeared to morph into a skull.

Conway told Chris Cuomo that she was sure that the order made sense in some way because it was “Our Lord’s” idea. She then lunged across the table and tried to suck the lifeforce out of Cuomo before withering into a discolored, sagging skin sack and slumped to the floor.

When asked about the order on a special edition of Fox News tonight aired in the middle of the day, George will told Bret Baier that he had no idea what was going on.

The nation has managed to elect the dumbest motherfucker the western world has ever seen,” said Will. “I can’t help you out with this one Bret.”

Will then excused himself saying he had to catch a plane to Bozeman in order to shop for off-grid survival shelters.


Jesus Distances Himself From United States



PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.

“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”

“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read?  I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.

“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”


The Son of God and Zombie Savior had to cut the presser short because he had soccer practice

“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”

After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.

The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.

Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.

“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.


European Space Agency Accelerates Mars Landing Project



PARIS – European Space Agency CEO Johann-Dietrich Worner told a reporter for Rocket Fuel Today magazine this morning that the organization is teaming with the China National Space Administration in order to move up dates for a manned landing on Mars.

“Recent events in the United States have really put a fire under our ass,” said Worner. “For years we’ve been trying to drag those people across the Atlantic into the modern age, and let me tell you, it’s been an uphill battle. We’re done. It’s time to get the hell out of here.”

Worner said that with the help of the Chinese a manned landing could be achieved as soon as 2022, with colonization beginning shortly thereafter.

In a prepared statement, CNSPA Administrator Xu Dahze told the international press that he looked forward to working with his friends in Europe and had high hopes of getting the majority of his people safely off the planet before “all hell breaks loose.”

“Americans crazy as fuck,” said Dahze. “Time to get our butts off this rock.”

According to the article in RFT, both parties are anxious to get as much done before Inauguration Day because “no one really knows what the hell is going to happen after that.”


Brick Top To Lead Clinton Poll Watching Team



PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.

“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”

Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.

Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.


So far reporters have been unable to confirm rumors swirling around the Clinton campaign that a farm in western New York has been leased for the month of November.

“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.'”

When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!

“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.

Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.




Poll: Village Idiots Breaking For Trump


WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News Tracking Poll, village idiots across the United States are breaking for Donald Trump. Clinton and Trump are all but tied according to the poll, and pundits believe that this trend among undecided village idiots, morons, and imbeciles could very well determine the outcome of the election.

The tracking poll finds little shift in Clinton’s overall support following news of the FBI’s renewed look at Clinton emails, but strong enthusiasm among her supporters fell behind Trump in combined Saturday and Sunday interviews.


Vince Snetterton-Lewis, a village idiot from Panama City, Florida, says he supports Trump because he’ll make him great again like before his accident.

By 53 to 43 percent, more Trump supporters, who tend to be poorly educated simpletons, say they are “very enthusiastic” about him, compared with Thursday and Friday when Trump’s edge was negligible (53 percent vs. 51 percent).

“Clinton backers are slipping behind in enthusiasm even though Democrats have an edge in early voting,” said Merideth Bullsmegma, who manages the poll for ABC News.

“This presents a clear opportunity for Trump, if somehow his supporters are able to find their respective polling places.”

Bullsmegma cited reports that many potential Trump voters are wandering aimlessly around cities and towns complaining that they can’t find where to vote because they have ‘pieces of brain lodged in their heads’.

“If the RNC can somehow get these schmucks to the polls, and convince them that the voting machines won’t hurt them, then Trump could pull off the upset,” said a nervous Bullsmegma.

“If that happens, then God help us all.”