WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) -Iran reached a historic deal with six world powers on Tuesday that promises to curb Tehran’s controversial nuclear program in exchange for economic sanctions relief.
The accord was announced on Tuesday by Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif and the European Union’s foreign policy chief Federica Mogherini in a joint statement in the Austrian capital, Vienna.
President Obama spoke from the White House on Tuesday, touting the historic importance of the deal and threatening to veto any legislation blocking it. Obama also stated that the terms of the agreement would be enforced. “This deal is not built on trust, it is built on verification,” the president stated.
Predictably, Republicans came out of the woodwork to decry the agreement before they even had a chance to read the fucking thing.
“Although I have not yet read the agreement, I’m really disappointed,” said Senator John McCain. “There’s still time to bomb the shit out of them and that’s what I think we should do. Iran is a target-rich environment that practically screams ‘bomb me,’ so let’s get cracking before Israel beats us to the punch.”
Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz said, “This agreement is the worst agreement ever made by a president of the United States, and although I have not read it yet, I am sure we have signed our sovereignty over to the United Nations.”
Dr. Ben Carson, another kook seeking the GOP nomination for president, told Fox News that “This is the worst agreement ever made since the earth was created 6,000 years ago. I expect a flood of Biblical proportions to envelop the continental United States as punishment for this treaty which I have not yet had time to read.”
Mike Huckabee, well-known religious fanatic and perennial candidate for president, said “This agreement was written by homosexuals. It is the work of Satan, and God will punish us for it. The United States is just not the bigoted warlike nation I grew up in. As soon as I get my hands on a copy so I can read it, I plan on using it as a burnt offering to Our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Perhaps the scariest response came from the most unbalanced and dangerous member of the Republican Party, Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas.
“This agreement between two tyrannical dictators spells doom for the American people,” said Cotton, while gnawing on the shinbone of an unidentified Muslim. The only reasonable solution to the Iran problem is genocide. If this agreement holds up, it could mean peace for decades to come, and I’m not standing for it. If I have to, I’ll destroy an American city and blame it on the Iranians. We must have war! Praise the Lord!”
The deal also has its detractors all over Iran’s neighborhood. The most outspoken of them is Israel, whose leaders have fought hard to obstruct a nuclear accord. They say the deal’s lax restrictions will actually help Iran build a bomb, while sanctions relief will allow Iran to funnel more funds to terrorist groups in the region.
On Tuesday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called the agreement “a bad mistake of historic proportions.”
President Obama has responded to all the criticism by saying that he really does not give a shit what they think and he’ll be damned if he leads us into another useless war in the Middle East.
“Screw them,” said Obama. “If Israel wants to nuke those assholes let them do it. We’ve spent enough money trying to make those savages behave. To hell with it!”