Irving, Texas Bans Digital Clocks


DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.

The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.

“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at  collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.


Moronic schoolteachers and police mistook Ahmed’s clock for a Russian suitcase nuke smuggled into Irving by starving Central American toddlers during the last wave of illegal immigration, which nearly brought the entire nation to its knees.

“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”

Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.

Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”


Van Duyne, an ex-cheerleader and religious zealot who suffers from several severe mental disorders, has dedicated her life to eradicating anyone who does not love Jesus. She’s been called “an unstable and dangerous ignorant slut” by the Dallas Morning News editorial board.

“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”

Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.

“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”

PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.




“Fed Up” With Verbal Abuse, Gator Devours Cretin At Popular Texas Swamp



BEAUMONT, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Tommie Woodward, 28, a short order cook and part-time Tea Party sign maker, was devoured early Friday morning by an agitated alligator in a fetid swamp close to the Louisiana state line.

The tragedy took place at Ned’s Last Chance Marina located on Toxic Bayou, a slow-moving, leech infested branch of the Sabine River. Ned’s is a popular party spot with locals because most local law enforcement personnel are too terrified to come anywhere near it.


Woodward was a highly respected member of the community and was active in several civic organizations such as the Tea Party, Texas Open Carry, the KKK, and Alcoholics Anonymous

“It was about midnight and we had just finished three cases of beer and had hit the pipe a few times and all of a sudden Tommie says ‘Let’s go swimmin,'” said Michelle Wright, a friend of the nocturnal water sports enthusiast and granddaughter of former Speaker of the House Jim Wright.

“When we warned him about the gigantic species of predatory reptile that inhabits the swamp and makes it a habit of feeding at night, he just said ‘Fuck that alligator!’ and dove in.

“There was a big splash and an 11-foot gator done grabbed a holt of him and tore off his dang leg,” whimpered Wright. “Tommie yelled that it was just a flesh wound and no fucking overgrown lizard was gonna stop him from having a good time. That’s when the gator muttered ‘I’ve had enough of this shit’ and took him under for good. It was just awful.”

Police Captain Robert Emmon told CNN that “There are signs all over the fucking place warning idiots not to enter the water because of killer alligators in the vicinity. Hell, most people don’t even fish around this godforsaken deathtrap.”

Emmon said that Woodward had made the situation that much worse by insulting the alligator before he jumped in.


Woodward ignored signs warning of impending doom for anyone dumb enough to enter the waters of the fetid and foreboding swamp

“Alligators are a proud species that react badly when insulted,” said Emmon. “They’ve been around for millions of years in basically the same form because they’re perfect killing machines. Anyone dumb enough to insult one and then jump in the water on top of his snout is just asking for trouble.”

“Captain Emmon is absolutely right,” said Wally Gator, spokesman for Reptilian Lives Matter, an advocacy group headquartered in New Orleans with branches in Florida and east Texas.

“We’re sick of being treated like second class citizens,” said Wally, as he munched on a raccoon carcass. “We’ve been around one helluva a lot longer than you idiot humans and we’re just not going to take these insults lying down. Fuck you rednecks!”


Captain Emmon had to cancel a trip to the Annual 4th of July FOP Dog Killing Festival in Putrid Bluffs in order to work the murder scene

According to Captain Emmon, Woodward’s body was found around 4:30 A.M. Friday morning floating around 300 yards away from the dock from which he jumped. Woodward’s leg was missing and there were bite marks all over him but he was basically intact.

“I think the gator found his flesh a little too toxic to consume,” said Emmons. “As I said, alligators are sensitive creatures and they won’t eat just anything that comes along.

“I hope this incident serves as a warning to all those cretins out there who look down on our cousins the reptiles. After all, we all descended from the same eukaryotic cells deposited on earth billions of years ago by space aliens from Planet 10, and we should all respect one another.”

Woodward’s funeral will take place sometime late this week after a local taxidermist fits him with a new leg.

A memorial service will be held on Wednesday at Helga’s Bait Shop and Chain Saw Repair in Dysentery Springs where Woodward was born and raised. Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz is expected to officiate as Woodward was a volunteer for his campaign.

Members of Texas Open Carry will conduct a 21 machine gun salute in honor of their fallen comrade.




Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta


ADDISON, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Rick Perry announced his plans to run for president yesterday in an abandoned airplane hangar normally used to house illegal Mexican slave laborers. Mr. Perry used to the occasion to introduce his campaign theme song, “Kill ‘Em All and Let God Sort ‘Em Out,” a bizarre country western rap tune that Perry hopes will secure his gun-toting, Bible-thumping, knuckle-dragging base of poor white trash.

In his speech, Mr. Perry, 65, sought to separate himself from the Republican pack by casting himself as a leader who has done the work rather than a politician who talks about doing it, pointing to his executions of hundreds of minority prisoners and efforts to stop black folks and poor people from voting in elections.


It’s good to be a gangsta

He also emphasized that his 14-year tenure as governor of a state with one of the largest populations of lunatics and paranoid conspiracy theorists in the world gave him practical experience in appeasing oppressed masses of idiots without the sense God gave a goat.

“The question of every candidate will be this: When have you led?” Mr. Perry said. “Leadership is not a speech on the Senate floor. It’s not what you say. It’s what you have done. When have my opponents personally kicked-in the teeth of a starving Central American child trying to cross the border for food? When have they shut down Planned Parenthood clinics and forced poor women to travel hours to exercise their constitutional rights? When have they gone out and acted like a complete moron with Fox News personalities?

“I’m telling you right now we ain’t gonna find the kind of leadership needed to revitalize the country by looking to the political class in Washington. That leadership will come from a podunk town in one of the most backwards-ass states in the Union!”


Good to be a gangsta

But whether Mr. Perry has done enough to repair the damage from his failed run in 2012 and move out of the second tier of candidates remains unclear. Even in Texas, Mr. Perry has lost crucial support to some of his rivals.

Steve Munisteri, a former chairman of the Republican Party of Texas, has been heading Senator Rand Paul’s presidential campaign in Texas. Many of the grass-roots Tea Party lunatic fringe activists in Texas have flocked to unbalanced dingbat Ted Cruz, while some of those in the more mainstream Texas Republican establishment are supporting Mr. Bush, whose son, George P. Bush, is the state’s new land commissioner.

“Perry provides a robust record of abominable accomplishments that no one can rival,” said David M. Carney, a former political consultant to Mr. Perry and a top strategist for his 2012 campaign. “The question remains: Can he garner enough support from kooky right-wing simpletons to make his campaign viable…or has his time passed?”

Mr. Perry is scheduled to visit 29 gun shows around the state of Texas over the weekend before attending an illegal immigrant turkey shoot/fund-raiser down on the border on Monday. Only time will tell if he has a shot at the Republican nomination.

Wave Of Suicide Attacks Continues Across The Country


THE CABIN ANTHRAX – (CT&P) – The wave of suicide attacks that has plagued the United States for weeks continues unabated as scores of pundits, right-wing politicians, and wacked-out ministers continue to strap on bigoted archaic arguments and run screaming toward the forces of societal progress and enlightenment.

The latest idiot to attack common human decency in favor of religious psychosis was the thoroughly unbalanced and hate mongering dimwit Bryan Fischer of American Family Association fame.

“The flooding in Texas is clearly God’s vengeance wreaked upon the sodomites of the southwest in the form of H2O!” said Fischer, as he foamed at the mouth on his daily decent into madness and hate known as Focal Point.


Fischer, a good friend of Dennis Hastert, has fought homosexual urges for decades. He continues to broadcast every day despite chronic constipation and a host of other intestinal ailments.

“The geographical connection between the flooding, the practice of the occult and witchcraft, and the embrace of homosexuality is absolutely undeniable. The relationship between homosexual activity and natural disasters has been well documented and should be obvious to any reasonable person who believes a virgin gave birth to the Son of God who later in life morphed into a death-defying zombie.”

A mentally disturbed caller named Rebecca from Anal Seepage, Texas agreed with Fischer, saying “If God is judging Texas, it’s because of the witchcraft and sodomy that we’ve allowed to run rampant! I say we kill all the fags and all the liberals and all the atheists while we’re at it!”

Fischer used the caller’s comments as an excuse to go on a fifteen minute incoherent rant about atheists and how there should be a national registry for them like there is for sex offenders. He closed the show by saying:

“We can’t afford to let people capable of critical thought run free throughout our society! Real Christians should take up arms and kill the blasphemers and sodomites! That’s one thing them Mooslims have got right!”




Twin Peaks Owners Rate Recruitment Party ‘Resounding Success’


WACO, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Bobby Joe Sphincter and Daryl Leroy Dimwit, co-owners of the Twin Peaks Biker Bar and Family Fun House in Waco, Texas, told CNN the motorcycle gang recruitment party that took place on Sunday was judged “an overall success” despite massive loss of life and nearly 200 arrests.

Nine people were killed and scores were injured during the wing ding on Sunday, but that did not seem to put a damper on recruiting, said Sphincter, who MC’d the event.

“You have to expect a few minor altercations whenever these rival gangs get together,” said Sphincter, who was wearing a tourniquet on his upper thigh to staunch the flow of blood from his femoral artery. “We took precautions by making the wait staff wear ballistic bras and panties on Sunday, and watering down the beer a little. I think all in all it was a great day, and we plan on having even more of these events in the future.”

Dimwit, Sphincter’s business partner, agreed.

“We like to promote membership in these vicious biker gangs because it helps our bottom line,” he said. “The more young people who can get involved in drug running and prostitution in this area, the better it is for us.”


The biker recruitment festival has always been a popular function in Waco. The only public event that draws larger crowds is the Annual Batshit Crazy Religious Cult Women and Children’s Barbecue held every 4th of July

Rufus “Friction Burn” Baker, rush chairman for the Devil’s Buttplugs based in nearby Lubbock, told reporters that his gang picked up some promising new members including two out of work pipe welders, a retired mortician, and a “damn good” meth cook.

“We couldn’t be happier,” said Baker. “We only lost three members in the shootout, and they were getting a little long in the tooth to be running around extorting shopkeepers and kidnapping illegal Messicans for the sex trade anyhow. I’m really a big fan of these little get-togethers ’cause they keep our members on their toes and they help give us that psychotic edge that we need to compete in today’s marketplace.”

Although all of the five gangs registered to participate in the event as well as the owners of the establishment declared it an unrivaled success, Twin Peak’s corporate office has decided to revoke Sphincter’s franchise over fears that the ATF and FBI will sit on the place and reduce cash flow.

“I’m not worried about that,” said Sphincter. “Daryl and I were already thinking about going out on our own and changing the name of the place. Right now the favorite seems to be Two Giant Scantily Clad Redneck Tits. What do you think?”




ISIS Takes Credit For Texas Attack, Income Inequality, Climate Change, And The Continual Disruptions In Mrs. Pearson’s 6th Grade Homeroom Class


SOME NASTY ASS CAVE IN THE DESERT – (CT&P) – On Tuesday, ISIS took to its radio station, WKIL,  to boast that the bumbling idiots who attacked the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest in Garland, Texas, on Sunday night were “two soldiers of the caliphate.” The claim, which has not yet been verified by any American officials, is the first attack on American soil for which the terror group has taken responsibility, but ISIS vowed it would not be the last.

During his morning drive-time program, Abdul-Aziz Asad Bouhtros Boutros Boutros Boutros Haddad Skyhook (which roughly translates to “he who lusts after young female goats”) read a statement from the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board that said that ISIS had recruited hundreds of disaffected young Muslims throughout the United States and would use these human time bombs to “bring America to its knees” like a “camel in heat.”


Abu Bakr al-Buttpluggi told reporters outside his cave in Mosul that the United States and Israel will be buried under the weight of middle school class disruptions the likes of which have never been seen. “It will cause the ‘Mother of All Suspensions,'” he said.

“We tell America that what is coming will be even bigger and more bitter, and that you will see the soldiers of the Islamic State do terrible things. We have already ruined your economy by creating income inequality, we are responsible for the ongoing destruction of the polar ice caps, our agents within the police force and black community are burning your cities to the ground, and all this is just the beginning!” said Skyhook as foamed at the mouth.

“We have young, ideologically pure soldiers of the caliphate in place in all of your elementary and middle schools, and we are set to unleash them at any time! Prepare for the ‘Mother of All Class Disruptions!’ You vile infidels will reap the reward for your imperialist invasions, the theft of our blessed and merciful fossils fuels, and your fucking fast food franchises now dotting the Middle East. Die Great Satan!”

Skyhook then had to cut to traffic to report an overturned camel on the road to Mecca.

Child at school

Little Johnny McDunce, a fourth grader at Dim Bulb Elementary School in Toxic Springs, Kansas, was interrogated by FBI agents after posting detailed plans for an atomic bomb on his Facebook page. “I was only fucking around,” claimed Johnny. Johnny is known to his classmates as the “Spitball Sheik.”

Federal investigators have yet to confirm that the two men who conducted the attack in Garland have any connections to ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or one of the gazillion half-ass terrorist splinter groups trying to earn brownie points by murdering defenseless civilians.

“At this time we have no reason to believe that these two clowns had any connections to anything other than Twitter and Facebook,” said FBI Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III. “About the only thing they had in common was a low IQ and an inability to plan even the simplest terrorist attack. Hell, they barely even got out of their fucking car before they were turned into Swiss cheese,” chuckled Zimbalist.

When asked about the claims made by the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board on WKIL, Zimbalist told journalists that he wasn’t overly concerned.

“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here. Neanderthals would score higher on the SAT. So don’t worry; these imbeciles couldn’t find their asses with both hands,” said Zimbalist.

Muhammad Dissatisfied With Recent Depictions


PARADISE – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad spoke with reporters outside Paradise this morning to express his regret over the failed attack on the “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas yesterday.

“I’m really disappointed that the attackers were so fucking incompetent that they didn’t even manage to get out of their goddamn car,” said Muhammad, last messenger of Allah the Most Merciful. “If this had happened in Baghdad the whole fucking building would have been destroyed along with all those infidel artists and their families. It’s just hard to get good help in America. No one wants to work. Hell, half the population is on foods stamps!”

Muhammad also took the opportunity to complain about recent depictions and artist’s renderings of himself.


The Prophet told journalists that he was particularly irritated with cartoonists that got his nose wrong and depicted him using antiquated weaponry

“I’d like to emphasize that most of these artists have it all wrong. I am a much more handsome guy than these idiots depict. I have high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, and perfect facial symmetry. My shoulders are strong and broad, and my beard is always well-groomed and most of the time free of lice. And I tell you something else, there’s not a goat on the planet that can resist my ‘come hither’ look.”

Although the incompetent gunmen were unable to gain entry to the building housing the event, a security guard and one policeman were injured at the entrance before the jumpy jihadis died in a hail of gunfire. Reports are now surfacing that, as is always the case, at least one of the idiots was known to the FBI before the attack.

Many news outlets are condemning the organizers of the event, saying that it was unwise and unnecessarily provocative, while others are saying that it is yet another shining example of Islam’s less-than-stellar record when it comes to free speech, equality for women, treatment of homosexuals, basic human rights, or just about any other fucking thing valued by modern society.

Before closing his press conference, Muhammad made it clear that he did not mind people drawing him as long as the depictions were flattering.

“Look, I really don’t give a shit whether people draw me or not; I personally could care less, but if they are gonna do it, at least get it right. I’m actually a very pretty dude. Now you’ll have to excuse me so I can get back to my virgins. They are a very demanding bevy of bitches.”