ISIS Unleashes Infamous Dumpster Bomber On U.S.

dumpster-1

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A massive manhunt began on Monday morning as the FBI announced the identity of a suspect wanted for questioning in connection with weekend explosions in New York and New Jersey.

The identification of 28-year-old Ahmad Khan Rahami, a U.S. citizen born in Afghanistan, sparked a frenzied search around the region, as officials suggested that as many as four separate incidents could be linked, and may have been connected to an international network.

Mr. Rahami, known in his native Afghanistan as the “Corpulent Sheik,” is 5’6″ inches tall and weighs over 200 lbs. Rahami is well-known to intelligence sources in Kabul where he has destroyed or badly damaged over 300 dumpsters using explosive devices made from various cooking utensils.

dumpster2

At 5’6” and 200 lbs, Rahami is known in his native Afganistan as the “Corpulent Sheik.” His signature weapon is the common pressure cooker which he uses to cook all his meals. After each attack the nauseating stench of rancid goat flesh permeates the blast zone.

“Rahami should be considered armed and dangerous,” said a CIA operative on condition of anonymity. “The public should at all costs avoid loitering or passing out in dark, filthy alleys behind restaurants and bars.

“And most importantly, if anyone spots a chubby Afghan using a stepladder to wrestle a large unwieldy box or bag into a dumpster under the cover of darkness, they shouldn’t try to help him unless he’s a friend or acquaintance.

“This man is a savage and completely unpredictable,” continued the operative,”thanks to his patented ‘Pashtun Pressure Cookers’ he single-handedly ran Waste Management out of Kabul.”

GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump was quick to condemn the bombings saying, “After that dumpster went up I saw thousands of Arabs cheering outside Clinton Campaign Headquarters over in Brooklyn. Those people just don’t have our values. They’re dirty and don’t appreciate a good trash receptacle.

“After I’m elected I promise no one will dare attack our big, beautiful dumpsters.”

Carson Advises Hostages To Rush Terrorists

radisson-blu-hotel-bamako-mali

 

MALI – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson called a press conference this morning to address the ongoing hostage crisis at the Radisson Blu Hotel in Bamako, Mali.

The hotel is the site of an ongoing terrorist attack and hostage situation. Latest reports state that there could be dozens of hostages still being held in the hotel and its environs.

Dr. Carson told reporters that the best thing the captives could do would be to “charge the terrorists.”

“If I were there I would get everyone together and charge the gunmen,” whispered Carson. “They might get some of us but we would overwhelm them. If anyone in that hotel can hear me, CHARGE!!!”

When a reporter pointed out that it might be unwise to rush terrorists that were equipped with automatic weapons and suicide vests Dr. Carson seemed to lose his train of thought and began waving his arms and blinking rapidly as he responded.

“When ants encounter a preying mantis they don’t sit around and let themselves be eaten,” said a semi-conscious Carson. “The Bible says that locusts help free the Israelites. We need to learn to be more like locusts if we’re ever going to defeat the terrorists.”

A security and terrorism expert interviewed on CNN after Carson’s press conference said that as usual Carson has no idea what the fuck he’s saying.

“Anyone who takes advice from this dude on anything, much less terrorism, needs to have his head examined, and not by Dr. Carson,” chuckled the expert.

FBI Says Geller Never In Any Real Danger

medusa3

BOSTON – (CT&P) Officials revealed this week that the Islamic State terror group has a foothold in all 50 states as it continues to target disaffected Americans through its torrent of online propaganda and slick videos of barbaric beheadings and mutilations.

The stark warning comes days after ISIS-inspired gunman Saif Rezgui unleashed horror on at a Tunisian beach resort, killing 39 vacationers and wounding dozens more. 

pamelageller_edited

At one time Ms Geller was fairly attractive but that was before her hair was mysteriously transformed into a seething mass of pit vipers.

The FBI has reportedly set up command centers in each of its 56 field offices in case extremists try to mark the July 4 weekend by unleashing similar carnage here in the U.S. American ISIS ‘recruits’ to date have included schoolgirls, a young nurse, a homophobic bakery manager and part-time florist and even a National Guard soldier who hatched a plan to gun down 120 of his own colleagues. 

FBI agents have made at least 30 arrests on US soil this year as they try to combat the murderous reach of ISIS and its batshit crazy religious kook followers.

Some have conspired to travel or send friends abroad to link up with fundamentalist fighters while others have plotted jihad here in the US – with Capitol Hill among the targets for a foiled bombing raid.

Gunmen Elton Simpson, 30, and Nadir Soofi, 34, came perilously close on May 4 when they were shot dead while trying to storm a controversial ‘Draw Mohammed’ event in Garland, Texas.

Another young fanatic, Usaamah Rahim, 26, was killed last month as he lunged at police with a knife in Boston’s Roslindale neighborhood. He was allegedly plotting to decapitate controversial anti-Islam activist Pamela Geller, the organizer of the same controversial Texas event.

medusa

Americans are split on whether it would be best to adopt sharia law or live in a world where people like Geller are in charge.

However, Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III of the FBI’s Boston field office told CNN today that Geller really never had to worry about Rahim.

“Ms Geller was never in any real danger from Rahim,” said Zimbalist. “To get close enough to cut her head off Rahim would have had to look at her face, and he would have been instantly turned to stone, thus stopping the attack in its tracks.

“For example, the last Islamic State sniper that took aim at Ms Geller was found on a rooftop 300 yards from her home while still holding his 30.06. He had been transformed into a granite statue. I think the plan is to place him on the National Mall so he can serve as a reminder as to what happens when these fucked up kooks try to take out someone as obnoxious as Ms Geller.

No one really knows why Geller’s face has such an extreme effect on people who view her up close, but scientists postulate that the burning hatred she has of anything non-Geller may have something to do with it.

medusa2

Only last week Omar Abdul Sahib Skyhook was turned into granite while trying to remove Ms Geller’s head with a hatchet during a dinner party in Manhattan.

The phenomenon first came to light in 2007, when her husband Michael Oshry, a used car dealer specializing in organized crime, was found dead in their home. The official story was he had died of a heart attack but anonymous sources told Fox News that he had been turned into an igneous rock formation while taking a shower.

“We’re more concerned with someone using explosives against Ms Geller,” said Zimbalist. “The bitch is just too noxious for anyone to actually get close enough to use any hand-held weapons against her.”

Zimbalist said that more arrests may be made over the holiday weekend, and advised U.S. citizens to exercise “extreme caution” as they go about their business consuming pork products and watching things explode.