Family Of Killers: Father Of Zodiac Linked To Kennedy Assasination



DALLAS – (CT&P) – Now that Rafael Cruz, father of Ted, the notorious Zodiac Killer, has been positively linked with the assassination of John F. Kennedy, it seems that the entire Cruz line is an unhinged pack of vicious killers.

Early Tuesday, Donald Trump exposed the elder Cruz’s part in the JFK conspiracy, calling him the “mastermind” behind the brutal murder of our beloved president.

Trump alleged that Rafael was with John F. Kennedy’s assassin shortly before he murdered the president, claiming that he was pictured with Lee Harvey Oswald handing out pro-Fidel Castro pamphlets in New Orleans in 1963, rock-solid proof that Cruz might as well have pulled the trigger himself.

“His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Kennedy’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is obvious,” Trump said Tuesday during a phone interview with Fox News. “What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. They don’t even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it.

“I think that most media personalities are just too terrified of the Cruz family to bring it up. They’re scared Lyin’ Ted or his religious kook Dad might go ‘off the reservation’ and take them out with a high-powered rifle or fill them full of lead while they’re trying to get some on Lover’s Lane.”

Trump’s hypothesis was bolstered later the same day when a video of Rafael ranting and raving about God, the constitution and what he called Second Coming of Jesus Christ in the form of Ted, his only obnoxious son, was aired on Fox News.

“Anyone this unstable is perfectly capable of assassinating a president, and God knows his drunken child abuse probably led to Ted’s murder spree on the west coast during the late 60’s and early 70’s. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to do it. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to say it,” Trump said, before touting his support from Jerry Falwell Jr. and other evangelical leaders.

Trump continued, “At least the religious kooks that support me, like Jerry Falwell and Franklin Graham, have their hearts in the right place. They know how to line their pockets while preaching the gospel, unlike like that lunatic Rafael Cruz.”

Although the Cruz campaign has yet to formally respond to the charges, surrogate Glenn Beck told Fox that Trump was clearly out of his mind, because everyone knew that the Freemasons and the Illuminati were behind the assassination of JFK.

“As usual Trump is just spouting nonsense,” said Beck, who was dressed in a suit made entirely of aluminum foil.

Ted Cruz Arrested Outside Public Bathroom In Pennsylvania



SCRANTON – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that GOP presidential candidate and subhuman bigot Ted Cruz has been arrested after terrorizing several people at a rest area in eastern Pennsylvania.

According to the report local law enforcement in Gouldsboro, a small town outside Scranton, arrested Cruz after he threatened a group of potential Trump delegates with a nine millimeter pistol.

The delegates, who are all running in Tuesday’s primary, were apparently returning from a retreat and strategy session in Mt. Pocono.

Magda Goebbels, an uncommitted delegate leaning toward Trump, told reporters that although Cruz was wearing a “ridiculous disguise,” she knew it was him because she had met him at campaign rallies and recognized the stench.

“He can wear any fucked up costume he wants, but there’s no mistaking that odious asshole,” said Goebbels.


Recent surveys indicate that up to 30% of Republican primary voters believe that Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer.

The police report stated that Cruz approached his victims on the pretense that he was a bathroom monitor and anyone entering the bathroom had to expose their genitals so he could be sure no “hanky-panky” was going on inside.

Once Cruz had individuals off to the side Goebbels and other victims reported that Cruz whispered, “I’m the Zodiac, support Ted Cruz or die.”

The effort seems to have backfired on Cruz because Trump supporters don’t seem to be easily intimidated.

“I don’t care what that cretin from Texas does, I’m with Trump,” said R.W. Scrotum, a plumber from Wilkes-Barre. “I told him to leave me alone or I’d take that pistol and shove it up his ass.”

Cruz was released on $100,000 bond. He faces charges of threatening assholes with a firearm, malicious mischief, and being a religious kook obsessed with other people’s genitals.

“It’s a damn shame,” said Goebbels while being interviewed by 11 Dead or Alive in Scranton.

“I really liked some of Ted’s ideas, but all that dildo stuff really soured me on him. No one comes between me and my vibrator.”



Ted Cruz Proposes Ban On Consensual Sex Until He Gets Some Too



PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – “It’s just been so long since I’ve had any,” lamented Ted Cruz as he addressed a crowd of supporters at a campaign stop at Lucky Spa Massage with Happy Ending in Hershey last night.

Cruz was referring to the fact that he had not had sex with anyone but himself in many years.

“Heidi hasn’t had anything to do with my penis since we did our Christian duty and reproduced; all she wants to do is lock herself in the bathroom with that vibrator. I’m telling you, hearing the purr of a five horsepower Tecumseh engine when you’re horny as hell is pure torture!

“I’ve tried intern after intern and I can’t even get a blow job. I’m better looking than Bill Clinton aren’t I? I don’t see how he did it.

“I can’t even buy a lay. All the prostitutes I’ve tried say that I’m too dirty and smell bad, but I take a shower at least once a week like all Texans do. It’s just not fair!”

Cruz’s proposed legislation, dubbed the Abstinence Until Ted Get’s Himself Laid Act of 2016, would go into effect immediately and apply to every citizen of the United States, regardless of sexual preference.

“I don’t want to inconvenience anybody but I’m hoping this will force some bitch to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for God and country,” said Cruz, as he gently massaged his testicles.

“I’m just sick and tired of banging all these goats, although I must admit they have lovely eyes and their horns provide excellent leverage,” said the deranged senator from Texas.

The bill calls for a complete ban on sex until Cruz enters the White House, when he can force women to have sex with him by executive order.

Congress is scheduled to take up the bill just after it votes on whether or not to launch Cruz into space along with spent fuel rods from our nation’s nuclear facilities.


Cruz Says Path To Nomination Still Wide Open



PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Miscreant senator from the bowels of hell Ted Cruz was upbeat today as he campaigned in rural Pennsylvania despite the fact that he was all but eliminated from contention by Donald Trump in the New York primary last night.

The hapless Cruz came in third behind John “I’m Still Our Only Hope” Kasich in a Trump landslide victory.

Standing next to a pool of toxic waste leftover from a fracking operation near Hershey, Cruz told more than two dozen bleary eyed religious kooks that he still had a “path to victory.”

“The road may be narrow, and paved with the skulls of Republicans from all over the country, but I’m sure you agree with me that once I’m in the White House, it’ll all be worth it,” said Cruz, who then paused and looked around the audience like a monitor lizard seeking his next meal.

“Once we crush the dream of health care for the poor, equality for women and minorities, stop the wholesale persecution and murder of Christians in America, and most importantly make this country a theocracy like the founders intended, we can get on to more serious issues, like banning the sale and use of sexual aids in the United States.

“I look forward to eliminating unconstitutional entities like the Supreme Court, NASA, the National Institute for Health, the CDC, the Departments of the Interior, Education, Agriculture, Transportation, and Energy, along with any agency that threatens the mandatory worship of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

“I alone have been chosen by God to lead this country into a primeval fever swamp of ignorance and hate, and I’m uniquely qualified to do it,” concluded Cruz.

The “crowd” applauded the speech halfheartedly and dispersed but not before one member suggested that Cruz go ahead and commit suicide so we could all get on with “making America great again.”

Cruz Proposes Nationwide Ban On Sale Of Dildos



WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Earlier today during a phone interview on CNBC’s “Squawk Box,” presidential candidate and sexually frustrated deviant Ted Cruz proposed legislation that would institute a nationwide ban on the sale of dildos, vibrators, and any other sex toys designed to entertain or satisfy women.

The legislation, dubbed the “Compensating for a Small Penis Patriotic Religious Freedom Act,” would make the sale of sexual aids illegal in the United States. Anyone attempting to purchase such articles would be faced with “stiff” fines and jail time.

“The Bible says that sex should be restricted to married couples who wish to produce offspring according to God’s plan,” said Cruz.


Cruz is not exactly considered an expert on sexual matters because of his ignorance of the female anatomy. Here he asks senate colleagues to help him differentiate between a woman’s anus and her clitoris.

“A dildo or vibrator inevitably becomes a third party in any relationship, and it’s no different from bigamy, which was outlawed when God changed his mind about all that ‘multiple wives stuff’ and wrote the New Testament.”

Co-host Joe Kernen asked Cruz if he had been smoking something before the interview and implied that he believed that he had clearly lost his fucking mind.

“I’ve long believed that a woman’s place is in the bed or in the kitchen, and because she is the ‘weaker vessel,’ she should always follow her husband’s instructions and do her best to please him, no matter what his perversions may be,” said Cruz.

“God made woman as a helpmate, not an equal, and if a man’s dick is too small to get the job done, then his wife just has to live with it.”

Kelly Evans, co-anchor of “Closing Bell” who happened to be present during the call, abruptly ended the interview by hanging up on Cruz saying that the candidate was a “Neanderthal religious kook who doesn’t stand a chance in hell of ever becoming president, and thank God for that.”

Heidi Cruz, long-suffering wife of the lunatic senator from Texas, issued a press release shortly after the interview that stated that she and Ted would be having a long talk this evening after his appearance in Rochester.


Cheeseheads Choose Cheesedick



MADISON – (CT&P) -Senator, cheesedick, and all around despicable human being Ted Cruz romped to victory Tuesday in the Wisconsin primary, dealing a setback to fellow miscreant Donald Trump and complicating the front-runner’s efforts to win the delegates he needs to secure the GOP nomination without a fight at this summer’s Republican convention.

The primary contest offered just 42 of the 1,237 delegates needed to clinch the nomination before the party convenes in July.

But with the count expected to be very close, every delegate has come to matter and Tuesday’s win helped Cruz slice Trump’s delegate lead, albeit narrowly.

Speaking to cheering supporters in Milwaukee, Cruz declared his primary win a turning point.

“It is a rallying cry,” the Texas senator said. “It is a call from the hard-working men and women from Wisconsin to the people of America. We have a choice. We have a real choice.”

For one of the few times in his life, Senator Cruz was correct.

Republicans can choose between a giant bipedal orange dick and a subhuman monster that should have been ripped from his mother’s womb during the first trimester of pregnancy.

Exit polls in Wisconsin indicated that Wisconsin Republicans were not so much voting for Cruz but voting against Armageddon at the hands of a 12-year-old egomaniac from the bowels of Hell.

When asked what they thought of Ted Cruz as a human being, 38% of Cruz voters said that he was an “extremely dangerous religious kook who wants to institute Christian sharia in America,” while 27% said that he was an “odious cretin hatched from an egg in a former Eastern Bloc bio-weapons lab.”

18% of respondents said that they were convinced that Cruz was in fact the Zodiac Killer, 12% said he was the Antichrist, while 5% said that they had no clue what the fuck Cruz was, but he was better than Donald Trump.

100% of those polled said that they had no desire to vote for Cruz, but because the Republican party was so fucked up they felt they had no choice.

Cruz campaign manager Herbert Mephistopheles told CNN that he hopes the Wisconsin victory will propel the senator into the convention in July with enough delegates to wreak all kinds of havoc and wreck the Republican Party for generations to come.


Republican Base Bewildered By Last Night’s Debate



MIAMI – (CT&P) – Interviews conducted by Fox News today indicate that last night’s presidential debate has left most of the Republican base confused and bewildered.

Although most of the candidates’ statements were outright lies or feeble attempts to mask a desire to return to the Middle Ages, the debate mostly featured policy issues and little of the name-calling and childlike behavior of earlier contests.

“The debate was much more civil than the others,” said Chris Mathews of MSNBC. “For the most part the candidates acted like adults, albeit dumb ones.”

This change in behavior and shift towards arguing about policy issues has apparently stunned GOP voters and left them wondering who to trust.


Cyrus Buttplug of Panama City Beach, Florida told Fox News that he “Didn’t understand what the fuck the candidates were saying last night” and wished they would stick to the “important shit” like they did in earlier debates.

“I didn’t understand a God damn thing they said up thar last night,” said Cyrus Buttplug, a longtime Trump supporter from Panama City Beach, Florida. “Just how the hell we gonna make ‘Murica great again talkin’ ’bout social security and fern relations? I don’t know who to vote fer now.”

Reverend Billy Bob McSneed, a kooky religious zealot and pastor of Our Lady of the Malfunctioning Scrotum Baptist Church in Putrid Springs, Texas, has been a supporter of Ted Cruz since he first announced his candidacy.

“I’m disappointed in Ted,” said the pastor. “I didn’t hear him mention the Baby Jesus one time. Not once! Just how in the hell are we gonna run this country without consulting the Baby Jesus? Tell me that!”

After the interview segments ran on Fox today campaign spokesmen have been scrambling to get on the air with the major networks to assure voters that the candidates will be back to name-calling, gutter humor, and mindless insults at the next debate, so the poorly educated base of the Republican Party has nothing to worry about.

“I think the potential nominees have seen their mistake and will do their best to correct it,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “With so much at stake in 2016, we just can’t afford to start making sense right now.”