Country Founded On Christian Principles Rejects Widows And Orphans

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.

The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.

Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.

“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.

Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.

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Jeb Bush has proposed the formation of a new federal agency headed by Dick Cheney that would hang refugees by their thumbs until they admitted they didn’t love Jesus.

“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”

Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.

“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.

“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”

The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.

When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.

President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.

 

Obama Vows To Increase War On ISIS To Three-Quarters Ass Level

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a briefing early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that President Obama was bowing to pressure from French President Francois Hollande by ramping up our efforts to destroy ISIS to the dreaded three-quarters ass level.

“The President has decided that we’ve been fucking around at the half-ass level long enough, and it’s time to really get tough with these bastards,” said Earnest.

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Putin did not appear impressed with President Obama’s promises to “get tough” on ISIS. The Russian president made his remarks while personally patrolling the borders of Chechnya looking for terrorists to torture.

Mr. Earnest said that the new level of engagement consisted of doing the same fucking thing we’ve been doing for over a year, just more of it.

“We’re really going to let them have it now,” he said.

Mr. Obama will be meeting with President Hollande at the White House next week where he will explain how his strategy of bombing empty buildings and ancient oil transport trucks is a sure-fire way to demoralize and destroy the 7th Century savages we’re up against.

When reached for comment on the new American war plan, Vladimir Putin merely chuckled and said, “Whatever.”

 

 

ISIS Leader’s Death Presents Great Opportunity For Deputy Commanders

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DAMASCUS – (CT&P) – The death of Abu Sayyaf and capture of his wife Umm Sayyaf during a raid in eastern Syria last night will provide advancement opportunities and a “chance to shine” for deputy commanders in the area, according to ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

U.S. Special Forces based in Iraq carried out the deadly raid, the White House said this morning.

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ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told reporters that he felt sure one of his junior commanders would take advantage of this great opportunity to “step up and shine” in a new role with added responsibilities and rewards

Abu Sayyaf was a senior ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) leader whose roles included overseeing illicit oil and gas operations, key sources of revenue for the terror group, according to the White House. He also was allegedly involved with the group’s military operations, an accusation that his lawyer F. Muhammad al-Bailey flatly denies.

Sayyaf was purportedly killed in a firefight.

According to Pentagon sources no U.S. personnel were killed or wounded during the action.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who called a press conference today outside his cave somewhere in the middle of the fucking desert, told reporters that although he would miss his friend Sayyaf and his lovely wife Umm, the raid presented a great opportunity for some up and coming junior officers.

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Sayyaf’s second in command, Omar Muhammad Libidinous al-Turgid, escaped injury and capture because at the time of the raid he was in an escape tunnel fucking a goat

“I’m really looking forward to see who is going to step up and fill this important position for us,” said al-Baghdadi, as he picked lice from his beard. “I met several of Abu’s lieutenants last fall at our yearly convention and motivational retreat in Mosul. I think one of those guys will step up, take the goat by the horns and get down to some serious murder and mayhem. I can’t wait to see some of the new torture and execution techniques these guys come up with! You know the younger generation can really be creative.”

Umm Sayyaf, whom U.S. intelligence officials suspect also was an ISIL member and played an important role in terror activities, was taken for questioning to a U.S. military facility in Iraq but was quickly released because according to Delta Force officers the woman was a “giant pain in the ass.”

“I swear to God I’d rather be burned alive that deal with that gibbering bitch for one more minute,” said Captain Billy Bob McSneed of Turd Bluff, Iowa. “I don’t see how the dude lived with that woman. In my opinion we did the guy a favor by killing him.”

Pentagon sources told CNN that no further ground raids were planned at this time, but as soon as Sayyaf’s replacement was named and settled into his new job, Delta would go in and blow his head off as well.

 

ISIS Launches New Dating Site For Lonely Jihadists

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TerroristMingle.com offers a huge selection of eligible ungulates that the amorous jihadist can meet in person before escorting him or her to the nearest bunker or escape tunnel.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Over the last six months ISIS has proved to be on the “cutting edge” of terrorist organizations in many ways. Their use of social media as a propaganda tool, for example, is the envy of the uncivilized world. However, their latest effort outshines all of their previous projects by a long shot.

Last week Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the innovative band of degenerate religious zealots, announced the launch of a dating site that would be available for his weary and often desperate troops.

The new site is called TerroristMingle.com, and any jihadist who pledges to remain faithful unto death to ISIS’ insane doctrine will be able to take advantage of its services.

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The site offers a complete rundown of each individual’s talents and background as well as photographs of the potential lover dressed in provocative lingerie. That way, a terrorist can choose a real soul mate to spend some time with before he is incinerated by Hellfire missiles from Allied ground attack aircraft.

At a press conference held in his multi-million dollar bunker in eastern Syria al-Baghdadi (whose complete name is Ibrahim ibn Awwad ibn Ibrahim ibn Ali ibn Muhammad al-Badri al-Samarrai-who the hell thinks up this shit?) explained the thinking behind the exciting new website.

“We all know how exhausting going on jihad can be,” said al-Baghdadi.

“Raping, pillaging, robbing banks, taking airfields and capturing planes that we have no fucking clue how to fly can wear out even the most seasoned Neolithic thug. We tried to let the boys blow off steam by beheading the occasional Christian journalist, but that just exhausted them even more, so we decided to take advantage of all the livestock we’ve stolen from our fellow Muslims and set up this dating site.”

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Rumor has it that ISIS plans on opening a chain of “Udder Bars” like those that have been so successful in Damascus.

The site has proved an instant hit with over 5,000 filthy, stinking, pig-dog terrorists signing up in just the last four days. In fact, the site has been so successful that high-ranking officials in both al-Qaeda and the Taliban are scrambling to get their own dating sites up.

“We don’t want to be left in the dust like we were by all those recruiting videos on YouTube,” said Abu Akmar Muhammad Ali Skyhook, Vice President of Public Relations for Taliban Enterprises. “Some of our best fighters are fleeing the tribal areas and heading over to Iraq for a good time. We just can’t afford to lose any more subhuman monsters to those upstarts in ISIS. Otherwise, how can we perpetrate the abominations we’ve come to be famous for?”

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al-Baghdadi brushed aside criticisms from NOW and PETA that the new website is degrading to ungulate females. “Every woman has to take off her burqa sooner or later,” he said, “and remember, this is for a good cause.”

ISIS officials could not be happier with the rollout of the new site, and more ingenious and enlightened ways of entertaining the troops are sure to follow.

“I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but we have bought up several bomb-proof nightclubs in the Mosul area and are planning on turning them into pleasure palaces for the boys,” said al-Baghdadi. “You know the first rule of brutal conquest and oppressive governance is that you have to keep your cannon fodder happy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obama Responds To Syrian Objections Over Airstrikes: “Fuck You Bashar!”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Responding to Syrian objections over the Administration’s plans to fly combat missions against ISIS in Syrian territory, President Obama told journalists at the White House that as far as he was concerned, Bashar Assad could “Fuck off and die.”

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The President scoffed at Assad’s promises to turn the U.S. Air Force into a heap of smoking wreckage in the “Mother of All Air Battles”

In a speech to the nation last night, Mr. Obama said the United States was recruiting a global coalition to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the militants, known as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. He warned that “eradicating a cancer” like ISIS was a long-term challenge that would put some American troops at risk.

“We will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Mr. Obama declared in a 14-minute address. “That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq,” he added, using an alternative name for ISIS. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Mr. Obama specifically stated that he would not place U.S. “boots on the ground” in Iraq or Syria, which most intelligent pundits interpreted as meaning that we will have no large ground units in the Middle East like we did in the recent Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but did not preclude the use of special forces units and forward air observers.

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Mr. Obama has been practicing his “full moon maniacal dictator look” in the mirror in case he needs it as the war with ISIS heats up

Although Mr. Obama has received political support from both parties on his policy statement, some pundits on the far right, particularly those who depend on Fox News for their income, have criticized the President for not going far enough. In addition, several members of the wing nut radio talk show crowd, along with former members of the Bush Administration, continue to blame Obama for the whole situation.

“The Bush Administration and its cheerleaders caused this clusterfuck by invading Iraq in the first place,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Anyone who listens to Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity on this subject needs his head examined anyway. They’re best bet is to shut the fuck up, that way they won’t sound so ignorant.”

United Nations Condemns ISIS War Crimes, Warns More Harsh Words Could Follow

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what can only be described as a withering verbal assault over the weekend, United Nations human rights commissioner Navi Pillay criticized the up-and-coming terrorist group ISIS as a “group of savage religious zealots guilty of numerous war crimes.”

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UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon told reporters that although he does not want to judge anyone before all the facts are in, it’s beginning to look like ISIS are not very nice people

In fact, the feared and powerful United Nations Human Rights Council decided Monday to send a fact-finding team to Iraq to investigate possible war crimes by Islamic extremists after hearing senior human rights officials detail mass killings and other atrocities committed “on an unimaginable scale.”

“We have it on very good authority that these people are breaking the law and doing some very bad things, but we really need to gather more evidence before issuing an even harsher statement,” said Leila “Spaghetti Spine” Zerrougui, the U.N. special representative of the secretary-general for children and armed conflict.

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U.N. human rights official Leila Zerrougui said that there is “just not enough evidence yet that ISIS is doing anything really bad enough to condemn the whole organization. We need more facts before we ruin any reputations.”

“We don’t want to go off half-cocked,” said Zerrougui, “a strongly worded condemnation by the United Nations can hurt one’s future job prospects, and the last thing we want to do is denounce any innocent terrorists.”

Abdul Mohammed RiffRaff Skyhook, Minister of Cultural Affairs and Christian Beheadings for the Taliban wholeheartedly agreed with Zerrougui. “I remember five years ago when the U.N. criticized my actions in Afganistan after my team sawed off the legs of some women attending a  local college in Kandahar,” said Skyhook. “It has taken me years to recover from the depression caused by their acidic and very hurtful remarks.”

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When he was informed of the U.N.’s harsh words while attending a mass crucifixion outside Mosul, ISIS CEO Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi grasped his testicles and said “Criticize this, you bunch of pussies!”

While making an appearance on Al Jazeera’s Sunday morning show Meet the Terrorists, Mohamed Abdul Hussein al-Buttplug, leader of Al-Qaeda’s prestigious Nerve Agent Research and Development Group in Yemen, told Yusef “Scoop” Arafat that “Nothing hurts quite so much as criticism from the United Nations. I remember shortly after 9/11 they called me a common criminal and a throwback to the 7th century. It’s taken me over a decade to recover my self-esteem.”

The White House issued a statement this morning that called on all civilized nations of the world to join the United Nations in hurling verbal insults at the out-of-control group of murderous thugs that call themselves ISIS.

“These people are just bad folks and are acting like a bunch of meanies,” said the statement.

When reached for comment on the blistering U.N. statement, ISIS CEO and Director of Abominations Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was quoted as saying “What the fuck?” as he decapitated a baby goat and began drinking its blood from a golden chalice.

President Obama Clarifies Administration’s ISIS Policy: “We Are Fucking Clueless”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a White House press conference yesterday President Obama outlined U.S. policy regarding the group of savage religious zealots known to the world as ISIS. The position has been described by pundits as a policy “hovering somewhere between vague and nebulous.”

Although the Administration has ordered around 100 airstrikes on ISIS targets around Iraq, it waited until it was almost damn well too late to do so, and it has stopped short of bombing targets located within the borders of Syria, thus giving the Stone Age terrorist cretins a safe haven from which to operate.

“We don’t want to get all crazy and upset the delicate balance of power within Syria,” said Obama. “If we did that, something bad might happen. We’ll eventually get around to some kind of plan, but we just don’t have a strategy yet.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest told reporters that the feeling around the Oval Office was that the Administration should not get bogged-down in another war in the Middle East.

“The consensus is that we need to avoid this clusterfuck at all costs, and leave it for Hillary to clean up,” said Ernest. “She can handle it in 2017 after she takes office. Hell, she’s better suited for this kind of thing anyway. Have you ever seen that bitch when she gets pissed off? She’ll wipe the floor with those ISIS Neanderthals.”

When asked by a journalist why the White House was not concerned with Fox News and talk radio dullards making political hay from the Administration’s flaccid policy, Ernest replied “We’ve never been concerned with getting the white homophobic bigot vote anyway. It’s just not our demographic.”