American Dental Association Urges Walter Palmer To Commit Suicide

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an appearance on Fox and Friends this morning, American Dental Association president Maxine Feinberg made an impassioned public plea to Dr. Walter Palmer, the scum-sucking Minnesota dentist who murdered Cecil the Lion, to kill himself “by any means available” to him.

“We polled our membership, and four out of five dentists surveyed recommended suicide,” said Feinberg. “The remaining 20% thought that Dr. Palmer should be extradited to Zimbabwe to stand trial and face a life sentence in an African butt-rape prison.”

Palmer, whose whereabouts are unknown, has been excoriated on the internet and in the press over the last two days for tying a dead animal to the front of a vehicle and luring Cecil out of a protected area so he could be shot with a bow and arrow and die a slow agonizing death lasting over 40 hours.

Dr. Palmer’s dental practice in Bloomington, Minnesota has been shut down and his home is unoccupied. He has received death threats on Facebook and Twitter and been the subject of some remarkable reviews on Yelp.

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Dr. Palmer has a long history of flying all over the world in order to murder defenseless animals so he can prove that he is still a man despite his small penis, which he refers to as “Little Peeps.”

ADA president Feinberg told Steve Doocy that Palmer was giving dentists around the country an even worse name than they already had.

“It’s bad enough that everyone hates us to begin with,” said Feinberg. “Now kids are asking their dentists if they plan on murdering Bambi or the Easter Bunny. We’re about as popular as a dog catching member of Congress right now.”

Feinberg said that although the vast majority of dentists wanted Palmer dead, they disagreed on what method he should use to off himself.

“Dr. Max Nebelwerfer from Bleeding Gums, Kansas told us that Palmer should tie himself to his dental chair and drink a bottle of liquid Drano,” said Feinberg. “Dr. Emily Fang from Melanoma Beach, Florida told us that she thought Palmer should sever several minor arteries with a scalpel and go swimming off the beaches of North Carolina. There’s no end to the ideas pouring into our website. Despite having a reputation for being anal, we dentists can be very creative when we want to be.

“Although, there’s a lot of disagreement about how he should do it, one thing’s for sure, everyone wants the bastard dead,” said Feinberg in closing.

This is not the first time Palmer has been in trouble. He was convicted of lying to federal agents regarding an illegal bear hunt in 2006, and settled a sexual harassment suit involving his receptionist in 2009.

Fox and Friends replicant Brian Kilmeade asked regular contributor Dr. Keith Ablow to offer some insight on Palmer’s murderous behavior and tendency to prey on his female staff.

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In 2010 Dr. Palmer was named “Dentist Most Likely to Abuse Little Children” by the American Dental Association.

“Dr. Palmer exhibits all the symptoms of Gherkinson’s Disease, a syndrome normally associated with a tiny schlong and shrunken, misshapen testicles,” said Ablow.

“Many assholes who hunt just for the sick pleasure of seeing animals die have a desperate need to prove to the world that they are real men despite having inferior sexual equipment. I think we can safely say Palmer has a short shaft, or possibly one that takes a dogleg left.”

In fact, one of Palmer’s close friends told Anderson Cooper of CNN that Walter’s high school nickname was ‘Inch Worm,’ so Ablow’s theory seems to make sense.

Palmer released a statement this afternoon through the public relations firm he hired to extricate himself from this mess.

In it he said that he was sorry for killing Cecil, sorry for killing a bear 40 fucking miles away from where he was supposed to be hunting, sorry for sexually abusing his receptionist while she was under the influence of Xanax and nitrous oxide, and sorry that his kids were conceived in vitro because his micro dick proved incapable of performing in the usual fashion.

He said that at this time he had no intention of killing himself and looks forward to a future as a short order cook at a Waffle House in Tanzania.

 

Muhammad Distances Himself From Islamic State

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MECCA – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad appeared today on Al Jazeera’s popular morning show Jihadi and Friends to clarify some of his positions regarding Al-Qaeda and its rival in inhuman savagery the Islamic State. Muhammad assumed the form of a twenty-three pound tabby cat for the interview in order to mask his true form from cartoonists and other artists around the world.

The cat, which had a large “M” on its forehead, told co-host Steve Abdullah Doocalhiri that although he was all in favor of killing infidels, destroying Israel, and throwing homosexuals off tall buildings, he had to draw the line when it came to beheading and immolating fellow Muslims.

“I’m pretty pleased with Al-Qaeda so far,” said the feline prophet, “but I think ISIS is going just a little bit overboard. We have to take into consideration that many of our people are uneducated and just don’t know right from wrong when it comes to Sharia law. We need to adopt a more delicate approach when it comes to genocide.”

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During the interview the Prophet became so irritated with Doocalhiri’s blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance that he began to change form

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to grasp what the fuck the Prophet was saying, kept nodding his head and asking the cat if all of this was Obama’s fault for offering health care to the poor.

“It has nothing to do with Obama, you moron!” hissed the cat. “You idiots want to blame everything on that son of a bitch! Get your head out of your ass and listen to me for a minute. I’m telling you that we could get a lot more accomplished if we just stopped short of slaughtering every man, woman, and child who gets in our way.”

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to process what he had heard, then asked the Prophet if he thought Hillary was responsible for the giant Benghazi conspiracy.

At that point the cat prophet jumped down off the chair back he had been perched upon, took a swipe at Doocalhiri’s face, and marched off the set while mumbling something unintelligible in Arabic.