American Pharoah Accused Of Racing On Underinflated Hooves


NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Less than 24 hours after American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes, accusations have arisen from competing stables that he ran the race on underinflated hooves.

The victory at Belmont made the thoroughbred the first odd-toed ungulate to win the Triple Crown, the greatest achievement in horse racing, since 1978.

Pharoah ended the longest Crown drought by sweeping the sport’s top three races, becoming only the 12th horse ever to do so.

American Pharoah, ridden by jockey Victor Espinoza, beat a tough field of seven other thoroughbreds by 5 1/2 lengths.


An outraged Mubtaahij spoke with reporters after the race but no one could tell what the fuck he was saying because he insisted on speaking in Arabic. He did however end his diatribe by screaming “Death to America” in broken English.

Espinoza guided the three-year-old colt to the rail at the start, taking the lead in the first quarter. Trailing American Pharoah for most of the race was Materiality, before Mubtaahij and Frosted made plays for second. But no one could overtake the lightning fast Pharoah.

Espinoza, the intrepid jockey who piloted Pharoah to victory, secured his spot in history by yelling “Holy Shit!” shortly after he crossed the finish line.

But today ugly rumors have surfaced concerning the thoroughbred’s propensity to underinflate his hooves prior to race time.

Competitors Frosted, Keen Ice, and Mubtaahij told reporters from Ungulate Weekly that Pharoah has been cheating all season long, and complaints to racing officials have fallen on deaf ears.

“That bastard runs every damn race with underinflated hooves, and we believe it gives him an unfair advantage,” said Frosted.

“That’s right,” said Keen Ice. “That pompous ass pretty boy has a special trainer he calls his ‘Deflater’ who tampers with his hooves prior to every race. It’s cheating and it’s damn disgraceful!”

Mubtaahij then went on a 15 minute diatribe about the situation but most of it was unintelligible because he was speaking in Arabic.

Racing officials have promised to look into the allegations raised by Pharoah’s competitors but no one believes that anything serious will happen.

“We’re probably talking about some fines and maybe some minor reprimands here,” said Racing Commissioner Roger Equus. “I don’t think Pharoah’s Triple Crown victory will be overturned.”

Blatter Resigns; Accepts New Position In Russian Mafia


ZURICH – (CT&P) – Obergruppenführer Sepp Blatter resigned his post this morning as FIFA president and has accepted a position within the Bratva, or Russian mafia. Mr. Blatter told reporters that he regretted leaving the corrupt organization he had worked so hard to build, but with the FBI and Swiss authorities closing in, he felt he had no choice.

“I’m very proud of the work I have done at FIFA,” said Blatter. “We took an organization that had a relatively good reputation and over a period of 17 years we managed to turn it into one of the premier criminal enterprises on the planet.”


Putin spoke to reporters while feeding his pet lions behind the former KGB headquarters building.

“I’m leaving FIFA with a clear conscience and a large bank account,” said Blatter, “and I look forward to serving my new employers with the same creativity and enthusiasm I displayed while in charge of soccer’s ruling body.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed delight with the turn of events.

“The imperialist swine from the United States have tried to destroy this innocent man by dragging his good name through the mud of their capitalist pigsties. We welcome him, his aides, and his young Asian sex slaves to Mother Russia. His experience in extortion, larceny, and blackmail will be an invaluable asset as we prepare our glorious stadiums for the 2018 World Cup.”

Nearly all international political and sports pundits are in agreement that Blatter should do quite well inside the Russian Mob as it is so similar to FIFA in almost every respect.


John Kerry Crashes Bike And Breaks His Fucking Leg


GENEVA – (CT&P) – Goofy ass Secretary of State John Kerry has broken his fucking leg while riding his bicycle in a charity event near Scionzier, France, wherever the hell that is. Kerry is said to have lost control of his bike in wet conditions while trying to hold both an umbrella and his latte at the same time.


Kerry avoided more serious injury because he was wearing a custom-made pumpkinhead/xenomorph helmet specially designed to fit on top of his enormous flat skull.

“Mr. Kerry began hydroplaning and completely lost control of his bike, veered off the road, hit a curb, and plowed through a line of French schoolchildren who were waiting outside a cinema to watch a Jerry Lewis movie marathon,” said a Secret Service agent who was following along behind Kerry on his own bike.

None of the schoolchildren were seriously injured, but 12 other cyclists were killed when drunken Secret Service agents hustled Kerry into a chase vehicle and ran over dozens of other cyclists in an attempt to get Kerry out of danger.

“We thought we were surrounded by FIFA gunmen, so we needed to act quickly,” said one of the agents.


None of the French schoolchildren were seriously injured in the accident but drunken Secret Service agents later killed 12 cyclists while in route to the hospital.

The Secretary of State was taken to a hospital in Geneva and never lost consciousness. He will be returning to Boston to receive further treatment.

Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.

Those travel plans have been canceled, but Mr. Kerry plans to participate in the Paris event remotely by a video conference so he will not be in a position to harm anyone attending the meeting.

John Kirby, a State Department spokesman, said that the secretary would return to the United States in “an aircraft outfitted to ensure that he cannot get up and destroy anything else throughout the flight. Its use is nothing more than a prudent medical step on the advice of physicians.” Aides and reporters traveling with the secretary flew back to Washington on his plane.

Aides to Secretary Kerry say he is expected to make a full recovery and will be out and about wreaking havoc again in no time.


Fire At FIFA Congress Blamed On Communist Sabateurs

Burning of the Reichstag 1933. Germany / Mono Print

ZURICH – (CT&P) – An early morning fire which destroyed the FIFA World Congress Building, known as the Pitchstag in Switzerland, was the work of  subversive communist conspirators, according to FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

The fire allowed Blatter to be re-elected without difficulty after Prince Ali bin Hussein of Jordan withdrew from the presidential race saying he was “in fear of losing his life.”


Blatter told Swiss reporters that “America, even if she were to set furiously to work for four years, will not succeed in replacing the me as FIFA president.”

Blatter issued an official FIFA decree shortly after the fire which nullified voting rights for UEFA and other soccer organizations that voted for Prince Ali rather than Blatter for FIFA president during the first round.

The decree also suspended key civil liberties for anyone within the FIFA umbrella of leagues who disagreed with Blatter in any way whatsoever. The Geheime der Football Polizei, more commonly known as Blatter’s Gestapo, is expected to make arrests throughout Europe later tonight of UEFA leaders who dared to stand up to Blatter’s tyranny.

The organization has set up interrogation centers in former CIA ‘black sites’ where the offending officials will questioned using “enhanced interrogation techniques” such as sleep deprivation and water-boarding.

FIFA has contracted Blatter’s alter ego, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney, to oversee the torture sessions.



Sepp Blatter Threatens To Annex The Sudetenland


ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.

At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.


Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that FIFA troops would no doubt be greeted as conquering heroes in the newly acquired territories

“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”

“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.

FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.

“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.

“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”

Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.


God Forsakes Russell Wilson, Backs Brady And Patriots In Super Bowl


PHOENIX, ARIZONA (CT&P) – Ruler of the Universe and Supreme Being the Lord Our God abruptly abandoned Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks yesterday and instead backed the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, leading them to a 28-24 victory over the reigning champions. The fickle deity explained that his decision to allow the Patriots to win was just “a spur of the moment thing,” like a destructive earthquake or a deadly tsunami.

Jermaine Kearse

God arranged for Jermaine Kearse to make a “miracle catch” down close to the goal line so Seattle would think they had the game won, only to send in Satan to make the last play call and break their hearts. “The Scriptures are accurate,” said God. “I’m one cruel son of a bitch.”

“I just felt like letting the Patriots win,” said God. “Besides, all that groveling that went on after the NFC Championship game made me sick. I despise groveling. Wilson needs to get some sort of life and quit referring to me all the time. He has about as much knowledge of my will as he does algebra.”

God explained that he let Jermaine Kearse make a miracle catch that made the Seahawks think they had the game in the bag, only to summon Lucifer to make the final play call when the ball was only a few feet from the goal line.

“Sometimes I really enjoy toying with you know-it-all talking monkeys,” chuckled God.

The Seahawks botched their chance to become Super Bowl winners for the second year in a row when a throw was intercepted 36 inches from the end zone, but the team’s quarterback will not be brought down. Russell Wilson responded on Twitter to the many critics that have trashed the Seattle Seahawks’ last-minute decision not to rush the ball in the game-ending play as the “worst call in Super Bowl history.”


God is well-known for inspiring optimism in wretched situations, only to put his foot down and crush any hope at the last possible moment.

“At 26 years old, I won’t allow 1 play or 1 moment define my career,” Wilson tweeted Monday morning. “I will keep evolving.”

God responded to Wilson’s tweet by saying, “That’s a damn weird response from someone who does not believe in evolution.”

Head Coach Pete Carroll gave a bizarre and downright stupid explanation for the play: “It’s not the right match-up for us to run the football, so on second down, we throw the ball, really to kind of waste that play. If we score, we do. If we don’t, then we’ll run it on third and fourth down. Really, with no second thoughts or hesitation in that at all.”

Carroll continued to speak in tongues for the rest of the interview, offering no rational explanation for his actions or those of his theologian-quarterback.

None of the Seahawks personnel seemed to be aware that God had intervened to crush their hopes and send them packing back to Seattle with their tails between their legs.

When asked by reporters after the game whether he still believed that “God is too good all the time,” as he said after the miracle win over the Packers, Wilson replied, “God is really great when we win, but when we lose he is a real bastard.”



God Receives High Praise For Planning And Execution Of NFC Championship Game


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Russell Wilson and other theologian-athletes on the victorious Seattle Seahawks football team gave God all the credit for their unlikely come-from-behind win against the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.


Wilson is another in a long line of moronic athletes who thinks that God gives a shit who scores a touchdown and when

“God is too good all the time,” said a tearful Wilson after the game.

It seems that the outcome was never really in doubt because God planned the entire game, play-by-play, from start to finish. Football apparently has a very big part to play in the deity’s ultimate scheme for the universe.

“I had wanted us to go out and dominate Green Bay from the very start,” said Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll, “but when I saw God’s alternative plan for the game, I said well, that makes more sense.”

God’s plan was for Seattle to look like an anemic bunch of high school players for most of the game, and he had Seahawks quarterback Wilson throw four interceptions. All this was apparently part of his master plan to make Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers think they had the game won, so when Seattle came back, it would be that much more heartbreaking.

“God really hates the Green Bay Packers,” said Coach Carroll. “Everybody knows that. I think it has something to do with Wisconsin re-electing that idiot Scott Walker.”


God’s son Jesus Christ gave up a promising football career at Nazareth Technical College in order to roam around Palestine preaching. Now he thinks wandering around the desert was a complete waste of time.

When asked in the locker room after the game why God would let Green Bay do so well only to crush their hopes at the last-minute, Wilson told reporters, “Don’t be a doubting Thomas, you guys! Everyone knows that God is a sadist. Just read the Old Testament. I mean, this is the same dude that drowned all those Egyptians in the Red Sea and ordered the genocide of all those tribes that fucked with the Israelites.”

“The game went the way it did because that was God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so special, so rewarding,” said Wilson.

Jesus Christ, who was at the Vatican at the time chastising Pope Francis for his remarks regarding free speech, was asked by a reporter if his father really cared about football games.

“You know sometimes I wish I had come to earth as an elephant or a bottle-nosed dolphin,” said the Son of God. “At least that way I would have been a member of a sentient species. You talking monkeys really leave a lot to be desired in the intelligence department.”