ISIS Leader’s Death Presents Great Opportunity For Deputy Commanders

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DAMASCUS – (CT&P) – The death of Abu Sayyaf and capture of his wife Umm Sayyaf during a raid in eastern Syria last night will provide advancement opportunities and a “chance to shine” for deputy commanders in the area, according to ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

U.S. Special Forces based in Iraq carried out the deadly raid, the White House said this morning.

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ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told reporters that he felt sure one of his junior commanders would take advantage of this great opportunity to “step up and shine” in a new role with added responsibilities and rewards

Abu Sayyaf was a senior ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) leader whose roles included overseeing illicit oil and gas operations, key sources of revenue for the terror group, according to the White House. He also was allegedly involved with the group’s military operations, an accusation that his lawyer F. Muhammad al-Bailey flatly denies.

Sayyaf was purportedly killed in a firefight.

According to Pentagon sources no U.S. personnel were killed or wounded during the action.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who called a press conference today outside his cave somewhere in the middle of the fucking desert, told reporters that although he would miss his friend Sayyaf and his lovely wife Umm, the raid presented a great opportunity for some up and coming junior officers.

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Sayyaf’s second in command, Omar Muhammad Libidinous al-Turgid, escaped injury and capture because at the time of the raid he was in an escape tunnel fucking a goat

“I’m really looking forward to see who is going to step up and fill this important position for us,” said al-Baghdadi, as he picked lice from his beard. “I met several of Abu’s lieutenants last fall at our yearly convention and motivational retreat in Mosul. I think one of those guys will step up, take the goat by the horns and get down to some serious murder and mayhem. I can’t wait to see some of the new torture and execution techniques these guys come up with! You know the younger generation can really be creative.”

Umm Sayyaf, whom U.S. intelligence officials suspect also was an ISIL member and played an important role in terror activities, was taken for questioning to a U.S. military facility in Iraq but was quickly released because according to Delta Force officers the woman was a “giant pain in the ass.”

“I swear to God I’d rather be burned alive that deal with that gibbering bitch for one more minute,” said Captain Billy Bob McSneed of Turd Bluff, Iowa. “I don’t see how the dude lived with that woman. In my opinion we did the guy a favor by killing him.”

Pentagon sources told CNN that no further ground raids were planned at this time, but as soon as Sayyaf’s replacement was named and settled into his new job, Delta would go in and blow his head off as well.

 

As Texans Brace For Invasion, Governor Abbott Puts National Guard On High Alert

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AUSTIN, TEXAS – (CT&P) – As Operation Jade Helm nears, Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) has put the Texas National Guard and various militia units on high alert in anticipation of a possible takeover by U.N. troops and members of Islamic extremist groups imported from the Middle East.

“We can’t afford to be taken by surprise by Obama’s Army of the New World Order who intend to, with the help of U.S. Special Forces, take away our guns and institute Sharia law,” said the unhinged governor. “This is just the first step in subjugating the American people and making them slaves to foreign countries. Obama has been planning this for years, and now it looks like the operation is underway.”

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Members of the Texas Patriot’s Militia from Lake Floating Turd north of Dallas drill to prepare for the onslaught of foreign fighters

Operation Jade Helm is the name for a long-planned military exercise spanning nine states and involving over 1200 special forces troops from four branches of the military. However, many weak-minded Tea Party fanatics, dunderhead Texans, and various doltish militia groups believe that it is a thinly veiled attempt to bring America to its knees by declaring martial law and confiscating citizen’s beloved firearms.

The Pentagon has done its best to allay these fears, going so far as to send out officers to assure idiots, cretins, imbeciles, and other Tea Baggers living in Texas that the exercise is meant to help the military become more proficient at protecting the very morons who are protesting.

At a meeting in Bastrop, Texas, a small dusty town known as “Turdville” to those living in surrounding communities, Lt. Colonel Mark Lastoria answered questions for two hours from a crowd of more than 150 people at a special meeting of the Bastrop County Commissioners, hoping to allay locals’ concerns that the training operation is a way for the federal government to take over Texas and much of the Southwest, but the wise citizens of Bastrop weren’t falling for the obvious misinformation campaign.

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Even average Texas housewives are answering the call in Texas’ time of need.

Lastoria was told that he couldn’t be trusted and was asked whether Jade Helm 15 will involve bringing foreign fighters from the Islamic State to Texas, whether U.S. troops will confiscate Texans’ guns and whether the Army intends to implement martial law through the exercise. (The answer for all three was no.)

“It’s the same thing that happened in Nazi Germany. You get the people used to the troops on the street, the appearance of uniformed troops and the militarization of the police,” said Bob Wells, a Bastrop resident, after the meeting. “They’re gathering intelligence. That’s what they’re doing. And they’re moving logistics in place for martial law. That’s my feeling. Now I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong. I hope I’m a ‘conspiracy theorist.'”

Bob’s hopes and dreams have apparently come true, because he is indeed a paranoid dumbfuck  conspiracy theorist on par with people like Alex Jones and Glenn Beck.

Throughout his presentation, Lastoria stressed that Jade Helm 15 is a routine exercise to prepare the United States for the difficulties of modern warfare, in which soldiers must maneuver through civilian populations rather than fight on a pitched battlefield. Texas, which he noted is 10 percent larger than Afghanistan, has an ideal topography, Lastoria said.

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Tea Party sign-makers have been hired to help recruit new troops to help defend the state

“The terrain is very challenging and it’s going to make our soldiers sweat, and sweating in peacetime is what we want because it’s going to reduce the bleeding in wartime,” he said.

After the meeting Lastoria expressed his concern that the Pentagon was spending so much time and money training troops to protect such a miserable group of paranoid redneck twits.

Lastoria, who is from Pennsylvania, told CNN that “If this is a representative sample of the residents of Texas, then I say we let them secede and form their own miserable country. I haven’t seen this level of paranoia and stupidity since we conducted Operation Circle Jerk in the panhandle of Florida. It’s really distressing.”

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Glenn Beck broke down in tears on his show yesterday while talking about the upcoming invasion. “This is the end of America,” he warned for the 329th time in his career.

Meanwhile in Austin Governor Abbott has scheduled a series of meetings with General Byron Buttplug, commander of the Texas National Guard, to plan a coordinated response once blue-helmeted U.N. troops appear and try to take over Dallas and other major Texas cities.

“I want to assure all Texans that we are ready to meet this threat,” said Abbott. “We will fight to the last man, woman, and child in order to keep Texas the backwards-ass state it’s been since we joined the Union.”

The plan calls for every able-bodied Texan to take up arms and kill anyone who looks like he could be from a foreign country or sympathetic to the current administration. If all else fails, all units are to converge on Glenn Beck’s Westlake home in order to make a desperate last stand against the forces of evil.