North Korea Threatens Sea Of Japan With More Missile Strikes

 

SEOUL – At a press conference in Pyongyang this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un threatened the Sea of Japan with more missile strikes if the body of water continued to allow U.S., Japanese, and South Korean warships to travel freely over its surface.

“If this cooperation continues the water will know our wrath,” said an agitated Kim. “Our missiles are being fueled and will be ready to strike anywhere we deem necessary in response to this aquatic aggression.”

As of this afternoon the Sea of Japan has not publicly responded to the threat.

Earlier this month North Korea fired four of its new Long Schlong III missiles into the middle of the fucking ocean in a show of force meant to discourage the Sea of Japan from cooperating with its enemies. A fifth missile failed to launch and its crew was executed the next day.

As of this afternoon there has been no response to the threat from the Sea of Japan, but South Korean officials stated that they weren’t particularly worried about the ravings of “that fat ass cheese-eating manchild” currently in charge of the rogue state to their north.

“They can’t aim worth a shit,” said Admiral Um Hyun-Seong, Chief of Naval Operations. “They’re just as likely to hit the South China Sea or the fucking Arctic Ocean when they launch those things. Fuck ’em.”

 

North Korea Running Out Of Missiles To Launch Into The Fucking Ocean

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SEOUL – (CT&P) – In a memo distributed to media outlets, South Korea’s National Intelligence Service stated that it believes that North Korea is running low on its supply of functional rockets and missiles because they have launched so many into the Sea of Japan lately.

“We believe that the North has only about a dozen missiles left in its arsenal at this point because it has insisted on acting like an overgrown starving child and has been launching them right and left into the closest body of water available,” said the press release.

“The North’s idiotic actions over the last few weeks has left it with a small number of ballistic missiles which it could use to attack us, which is a good thing. However, we would like to stress that the despotic regime still represents a very real threat to any country that has progressed past the nineteenth century.”

The memo went on to outline a frightening scenario in which North Korea could send a wave of World War II era Russian T-34 tanks accompanied by millions of starving farmers with clubs in an attempt to take over the South and get something to fucking eat for a change.

“We can never allow our guard to drop,” concluded the memo, “you never know what those crazy fucks will do next.”

North Korea’s Latest Missile Test Deemed “Resounding Success” By Dear Beloved Graceful Athletic Leader

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C.  (CT&P) -According to a South Korean defense official, who requested anonymity lest he be “disappeared” by spies, North Korea launched three short-range ballistic missiles Wednesday morning in a continuation of a recent series of missile and rocket test launches. The missiles were aimed “in the general direction of Los Angeles,” but because the missiles only had a range of about 300 miles, Pentagon officials did not feel that the tests constituted much of a threat.

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Kim took time to view an Army-Navy pickup basketball game and lingerie fashion show after the test with Minister of Culture and Body Art Dennis Rodman

The missiles, presumed to be part of the ridiculously unreliable Scud series, were fired from southwest Hwanghae province and flew across the country. One of the missiles tumbled harmlessly into the sea, while another took out a North Korean fishing vessel and its entire crew. The third missile flew in lazy circles slowly gaining altitude before changing course and plunging into a large crowd of civilian “volunteers” drafted to observe the glorious test from nearby grandstands.

So far there are no estimates as to how many starving civilians were vaporized.

North Korea has conducted an unusually large number of test-firings of missiles, artillery and rockets since earlier this year. South Korean officials have confirmed about 90 such firings by North Korea since Feb. 21 and 10 of them have been ballistic launches, according to Seoul’s Defense Ministry.

Guard dog,  Alsation, aggressive dog, Alsation guard dog barking and straining at the leash. Image shot 2010. Exact date unknown.

Pentagon officials suggested that Kim might have more success with his missile program if he did not insist on feeding his engineers to starving Alsatians after every failed test

Analysts theorize that the North’s missile and rocket launches are a message to its neighbors and Washington not to interfere in its buildup of nuclear bombs and other defense capabilities. However, another series of launches this spring have been confirmed to be the result of  Supreme Beloved Beautiful Well-Endowed Gracious Leader Kim Jong-un’s continuing struggle with irritable bowel syndrome, so no one is ready to say for sure just what the fuck the North Koreans are up to.

“We never really know why they conduct these idiotic tests,” said an anonymous South Korean general. “It seems like the only way these morons know how to express themselves is through rocket launches and attacks on South Korean fishing trawlers. It’s really embarrassing.”

According to officials in the Ministry of Tourism and Medieval Torture, the Dear Beloved All-Knowing Sympathetic Graceful Optimistic Leader enjoyed a dinner of stewed goat and Tsingtao beer with three of his wives in order to settle his stomach after the failed test.

The next series of tests is scheduled for early August, assuming the defense ministry can find any engineers who are not suffering from radiation poisoning.