FIFA Suspends 2026 World Cup Bribing Process

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ZURICH – (CT&P) -Soccer’s world governing body bought itself some time on Wednesday before beginning the most important process on its agenda—selecting a host for the 2026 World Cup—even as it scrambles to elect a new president.

FIFA said the 2026 bribing process, which was due to begin this fall, was on hold because of the separate U.S. and Swiss investigations that led to the arrest and detention of several FIFA officials in May. The organization also confirmed that it would hold an extraordinary executive committee meeting in July to set a date for a new presidential election, which is expected to fall in December.

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Although hated by almost everyone on earth and considered the worst thing that ever happened to the game of football, Blatter remains in charge of FIFA. “The asshole is proving harder to kill off than an Alien xenomorph,” said Michel Platini, head of the European soccer federation.

“With so many of our top officials under indictment and unable to fulfill their nefarious duties, we are regretfully going to have to delay the bribe and blackmail process for the 2026 World Cup until sometime next spring,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA and human lamprey.

“The United States and Mexico are both in the running, so we’re looking forward to some very lucrative cash transfers from America and large shipments of narcotics as well as some attractive prostitutes from the cartels ‘south of the border.’

“We just thought it would be wise to delay things a while so our guys can repudiate all these ridiculous charges leveled by the FBI and Swiss authorities,” said Blatter, as he picked his mouthful of razor-sharp teeth with a golden toothpick.

During the press conference Blatter also mentioned that African and Asian countries should be building up their gold bullion reserves because the bribing process for 2030 would commence shortly after the 2026 site was determined.

 

FIFA Payoff Committee Votes To Increase The Minimum Bribe

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ZURICH – (CT&P) – The FIFA Payola and Inducement Committee, meeting deep below the streets of Zurich in the FIFA “War Room,” voted this afternoon to increase the minimum bribe rate by a whopping 25% in an effort to slow down U.S. and Swiss investigations into the organization’s inner workings.

FIFA Vice President of Blackmail, Embezzlement and Larceny Ivan Mikhailov, a former Russian mafia boss, told reporters outside FIFA headquarters that he intended to offer FBI special agents an offer “they could not refuse.”

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Mikhailov told Swiss television that if the FBI agents did not accept the bribes other methods would be used to change their minds

“The imperialist American politicians are easily corrupted by money and sex. They do what their corporate masters tell them, no matter how much it hurts the oppressed American worker. It is apparent to even the lowest Russian peasant that Americans can be bought and sold with a few rubles and a tall blonde from Omsk with large breasts.”

 

“We have no doubt that the FBI agents will be no different. I mean, look at the Secret Service, it is infested by ideologically impure vermin who frequent brothels and drink around the clock. With the increased capital that the committee has given us this should be easier than a penalty kick.”

Although FIFA President Sepp Blatter bemoaned the extra expenditure of funds, he told Swiss television that the money could be easily replaced during the next round of World Cup bids.

 

Fire At FIFA Congress Blamed On Communist Sabateurs

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ZURICH – (CT&P) – An early morning fire which destroyed the FIFA World Congress Building, known as the Pitchstag in Switzerland, was the work of  subversive communist conspirators, according to FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

The fire allowed Blatter to be re-elected without difficulty after Prince Ali bin Hussein of Jordan withdrew from the presidential race saying he was “in fear of losing his life.”

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Blatter told Swiss reporters that “America, even if she were to set furiously to work for four years, will not succeed in replacing the me as FIFA president.”

Blatter issued an official FIFA decree shortly after the fire which nullified voting rights for UEFA and other soccer organizations that voted for Prince Ali rather than Blatter for FIFA president during the first round.

The decree also suspended key civil liberties for anyone within the FIFA umbrella of leagues who disagreed with Blatter in any way whatsoever. The Geheime der Football Polizei, more commonly known as Blatter’s Gestapo, is expected to make arrests throughout Europe later tonight of UEFA leaders who dared to stand up to Blatter’s tyranny.

The organization has set up interrogation centers in former CIA ‘black sites’ where the offending officials will questioned using “enhanced interrogation techniques” such as sleep deprivation and water-boarding.

FIFA has contracted Blatter’s alter ego, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney, to oversee the torture sessions.

 

 

Sepp Blatter Threatens To Annex The Sudetenland

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ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.

At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.

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Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that FIFA troops would no doubt be greeted as conquering heroes in the newly acquired territories

“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”

“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.

FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.

“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.

“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”

Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.

 

Birmingham City Football Club To Change Nickname

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BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND (CT&P) – The Birmingham City Football Club has announced that it will be changing its nickname from “The Blues” to “The Mullahs” in order to better reflect the religious makeup of the town and its supporters.

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Birmingham City manager Gary Rowettallah thinks the name change is a “win-win” for both the club and its radical Islamist fan base.

The club is a professional association football club based in the city of Birmingham, England. They compete in the Football League Championship, the second tier of league football in England. Formed in 1875 as Small Heath Alliance, they became Small Heath in 1888, then Birmingham in 1905. They finally changed their names to Birmingham City in 1943, so they are no strangers to name changes. However, this is the first time the club has seen fit to change its nickname.

“I think the ownership believed it was time to more accurately reflect the cultural makeup of the city, the club, and its fans,” said Amir Gary Abhib Rowettallah, the club’s manager. “We also think that it could help us to intimidate teams coming here to play from predominantly Christian areas throughout England and Wales.”

The owners also have plans for a new stadium to be built on the current site of Birmingham Cathedral, which will be bulldozed this spring to make way for a new state of the art facility dubbed “New Mecca.”

The team’s new slogan will be “Keep Right On Killing.”

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Rowdy Blues fans celebrate outside St Andrews after Saturday’s 3-1 victory over Wigan Athletic. After the proposed changes they’ll be able to bring their firearms into the stadium rather than having to check them at the gate.

Other changes include a new ordinance banning women from attending games, new goal celebrations featuring the firing of AK-47’s into the air, and gala halftime beheadings of infidels who wander into the city centre by mistake.

“I think it’s a win-win for the team and the fans,” said Rowettallah. “Plus, the new black on black uniforms with white Arabic script are really cool!”

However, not everyone is happy with the change. The current leader of the Church of England Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby commented, “This is what happens when immigration policy runs amok. It’s only a matter of time before we’re watching the Tottenham Terrorists versus the Southampton Sunnis on the telly. It’s a disgrace to all Christendom!”

Ivory Coast Defeats Sierra Leone 5-1 In African Cup Of Nations Qualifier

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sierra Leone suffered an embarrassing thrashing today when it was defeated by Ivory Coast 5-1 in an African Cup of Nations qualifying match in front of a nearly empty Felix Houphouet Boigny Stadium. Those fans brave enough to attend the match were given respirators and rubber gloves before entering the stadium.

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Physios for Sierra Leone found it difficult to treat injured players during the game because of the bulky protective gear they were forced to wear by stadium officials

The game was tied 1-1 at halftime, but Ivory Coast came roaring to life in the second half as its players became accustomed to the giant protective bubble suits the Sierra Leone players were forced to wear by the FIFA officiating crew.

“They weaved and bobbed through our defense as if we were not even there,” said Coach John Sesay. “I think it’s highly irresponsible for the people in charge of this tourney to force our guys to wear these ridiculous suits. Not everyone in Sierra Leone has Ebola, you know.”

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Sierra Leone manager John Sesay was outraged when he had to prove he was healthy enough to coach the game by dribbling through a pride of hungry lions

The Sierra Leone players managed to hold off the unencumbered Ivory Coast players in the first half by forming a giant protective ring around their goal and knocking down opposing players with their huge inflated suits. However, at halftime Ivory Coast Coach Sabri Lamouchi devised a strategy that spelled doom for the potentially infected team from Sierra Leone.

“Coach told us to form a flying wedge and charge through their bubble-wrap defense, which allowed the player with the ball to dribble along behind it and kick the ball into the goal,” said Salomon Kalou, who scored two of Ivory Coast’s four second half goals. “The change in strategy worked wonders. We kicked their bloody, contaminated asses right off the field in the second period.”

Coach Sesay told reporters that he plans on filing an official complaint with FIFA and the governing board of the tournament as soon as he gets over a slight fever and stomach ailment that started plaguing him late last week.

 

WWJD?

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As one wanders aimlessly about the football pitch of life, one is faced again and again with life-altering decisions that must be made in order to continue on a path towards a winning goal. When I find myself unable to decide in what direction I should go, I ask the simple question: “What would José Mourinho do?”

José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix, better known as “The Special One,” has been my guiding light through times of trouble and indecision. He is omnipresent, hovering there at the edge of consciousness, always willing to lend me a helping hand when I am unable to choose the correct path on my own.

Let him do the same for you. You won’t regret it.

“The Special One”  begins his 2014 ministry today at 3 PM Eastern on NBCSP when Chelsea takes on newly promoted Burnley FC at Turf Moor.

 

REMEMBER:

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