Florida Governor Rick Scott To Shed Skin In Early April


TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be shedding his skin again in early April, according to an aide. The aide stated that as is usually the case during the procedure, Governor Scott would unavailable for about three days as he walks around the Governor’s Mansion naked while rubbing up against rough surfaces. The shedding comes as a surprise because it will be taking place a full three weeks ahead of schedule, as the serpent-politician usually exuviates only once every two months, and he last cast off his epidermis in late February.


Governor Scott usually just removes the heart and other organs of his victims while they are still alive, but during equinox celebrations the unlucky souls have their skin removed while they are restrained on a slab.

“The governor’s decision to molt earlier than scheduled was due to a combination of factors,” said the aide, who wished to remain anonymous because the last person to disclose private information about Scott ended up on an altar in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.

“For one thing, Governor Scott wanted nice colorful scales for Easter,” said the aide. “He has several events scheduled where he will be hunting Easter eggs with kids and wanted to look good for the cameras. Also, the governor will be taking advantage of the glut in Easter Bunny inventory at pet stores around Tallahassee by feeding on some of the more tasty looking lagomorphs. He always likes to have nice, fresh, flexible skin when devouring large rodents or hares.”


Governor Scott’s old skins are auctioned off after each moulting. The proceeds benefit the children of those honored to be chosen as human sacrifices that take place deep within the bowels of the Governor’s Mansion

“Finally, the governor picked up some annoying parasites during the annual Xipe Totec equinox celebration, which took place on March 20th. It seems that while wearing the skin of an illegal farm worker he picked up some blood-sucking mites. The governor had earlier flayed the man alive and run around the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion dancing and chanting in order to celebrate and give thanks to the god of agriculture, vegetation, and the seasons. Since the governor is already anemic, he felt he needed to slough off his old skin and rid himself of the bugs rather than risk infection.”

The aide emphasized that although the molting was taking place earlier than scheduled, the governor’s old skin will be auctioned off for charity in the usual fashion. All proceeds will benefit the children of the migrant farm workers and state prisoners that the governor regularly sacrifices in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.