“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

drone1

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

jackdripper

General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles, chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, saying they serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.

Satan Confirms Dick Cheney’s Reservation In Hell

Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

THE RIVER STYX, HELL (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, confirmed that Dick Cheney, former vice president of the United States and giant bipedal penis, will be spending eternity roasting in the fires of Hell.

cheney2

Mr. Cheney has already extended his life on earth once, agreeing to trade his black soul for a healthy heart. Lord Balthazar assured reporters that this will not happen again.

“I just wanted to make it clear to the American public that this asshole will not get away with his crimes against humanity,” said Satan. “I am well aware that the entire free world wants to put this bastard on trial for his crimes along with a host of other government employees including CIA officers who carried out war crimes in the name of revenge and some sort of perverse ‘justice.’ However, we all know that the current administration lacks the testicles to do so,” said the Prince of Darkness.

“I however, have no such qualms. Mr. Cheney will be receiving hourly refreshment via his rectum in the not too distant future, and that’s just the start of the fun for this dirty, filthy, lying son of a bitch.”

The Devil was not specific as to when Mr. Cheney will assume room temperature and begin his infinitely long sentence, but Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told journalists that we should not have to wait very long, as His Majesty will not be making any more deals with Cheney for new heart muscles ripped from the innocent in order to prolong his miserable life.

pulp

The Prince of Darkness wanted to assure all Americans and citizens of earth that he would soon be “getting medieval” on Cheney’s pompous ass.

Lord Balthazar also said that many of the CIA’s apologists like Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) better see the light and pray for forgiveness or they will soon be in the same boat with Mr. Cheney.

Lord Balthazar said that Mephistopheles had instructed Charon to charter an extra-large boat from Carnival Cruise lines so that no one would be left out of the upcoming crossing into the depths of Hell.

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

drone1

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

jackdripper

General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles,chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, and serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.