John Kerry Crashes Bike And Breaks His Fucking Leg

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GENEVA – (CT&P) – Goofy ass Secretary of State John Kerry has broken his fucking leg while riding his bicycle in a charity event near Scionzier, France, wherever the hell that is. Kerry is said to have lost control of his bike in wet conditions while trying to hold both an umbrella and his latte at the same time.

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Kerry avoided more serious injury because he was wearing a custom-made pumpkinhead/xenomorph helmet specially designed to fit on top of his enormous flat skull.

“Mr. Kerry began hydroplaning and completely lost control of his bike, veered off the road, hit a curb, and plowed through a line of French schoolchildren who were waiting outside a cinema to watch a Jerry Lewis movie marathon,” said a Secret Service agent who was following along behind Kerry on his own bike.

None of the schoolchildren were seriously injured, but 12 other cyclists were killed when drunken Secret Service agents hustled Kerry into a chase vehicle and ran over dozens of other cyclists in an attempt to get Kerry out of danger.

“We thought we were surrounded by FIFA gunmen, so we needed to act quickly,” said one of the agents.

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None of the French schoolchildren were seriously injured in the accident but drunken Secret Service agents later killed 12 cyclists while in route to the hospital.

The Secretary of State was taken to a hospital in Geneva and never lost consciousness. He will be returning to Boston to receive further treatment.

Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.

Those travel plans have been canceled, but Mr. Kerry plans to participate in the Paris event remotely by a video conference so he will not be in a position to harm anyone attending the meeting.

John Kirby, a State Department spokesman, said that the secretary would return to the United States in “an aircraft outfitted to ensure that he cannot get up and destroy anything else throughout the flight. Its use is nothing more than a prudent medical step on the advice of physicians.” Aides and reporters traveling with the secretary flew back to Washington on his plane.

Aides to Secretary Kerry say he is expected to make a full recovery and will be out and about wreaking havoc again in no time.

 

White House Intruder Crashes Secret Service Shindig

White House Intruder

SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Omar Gonzalez, the gentleman who jumped the White House fence on Friday, apparently ruined a much-anticipated and long-awaited Secret Service mixer with the female staff of the Brazilian Embassy. He is currently being detained by the Capitol Police.

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Gonzalez, thought to be living out of his car, later apologized to the Secret Service for ruining their get-together and insisted he was only there to assassinate the President

Apparently Mr. Gonzalez was able to jump over the fence and run all the way into the White House, easily sidestepping millions of dollars worth of security, because Secret Service personnel were occupied preparing the dance hall and the Lincoln bedroom for their scantily clad guests from South America.

“The boss had just left on the chopper, the band was warming up, and we were in the process of setting up a wine and cheese bar when this moron jumps the fence and ruins everything,” said Walter “Wild Man” Whitman, a 20-year veteran of the Service.

“I was really looking forward to seeing the gals Madam Fifi was sending over for the party. Everyone on earth knows that Brazilian women have phenomenal butts!”

The Secret Service officers had apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her employees while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup this summer.

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Secret Service personnel apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her “employees” while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup

“We just can’t get enough of that South American poontang,” said Officer Whitman, who hails from Austin, Texas. “I can tell you from experience there just ain’t nothin’ like it. I’m here to tell you, all you stuffed-shirt anti-immigration dudes out are really missin’ out!”

Gonzalez’ “leap of faith” is only one in a series of security breaches involving the White House in recent years. Several mental midgets have jumped the fence and run around the White House grounds like squirrels on crack, and one or two have even made it inside to state dinners.

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The unfortunate Gonzalez incident is not expected to put a damper on the annual Secret Service Halloween costume party, a perennial favorite with rookie officers

Gonzalez himself has been pulled over several times in his vehicle while carrying hatchets, machetes, shotguns, hundreds of rounds of ammo, a map of the White House, and a well-worn copy of Assassination For Dummies.

What puzzles the White House press corps is why Gonzalez has never been arrested before Friday. Sheriff R.W.

Scrotum of Fairfax County Virginia explained:

“Mr Gonzalez has been pulled over several times by my deputies but we never had any grounds to hold him,” said Scrotum. “He was only carrying some hunting knives, couple of assault rifles, a few grenades, and an RPG. I mean, it wasn’t like he had any drugs or cash on him or anything.”

Mr. Gonzalez is set to be arraigned later this week for trespassing on government property and the more serious charge of obstructing and interfering with federal officers while in the process of partying.