DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been taken over by forces sent from Lucifer himself.
Swanson spoke from his radio studio in Elizabeth, Colorado, where his show, World View of a Bigoted Hypocritical Religious Charlatan is featured on Generations of Assholes Radio.
“St Patrick’s Day has always been a problematic holiday because of its association with snakes,” said Swanson on his radio show. “Snakes are the agents of Satan, and they represent the male sexual organ, which should only be used when attempting reproduction in the dark within a good Christian marriage.
“As we have seen the homosexual conspiracy to take over this country grow and grow, St Patrick’s Day has become a time of celebration and congregation for these subhumans. I personally believe that we should execute all of them along with every Girl Scout leader in the United States. It’s what our Lord Jesus Christ would have wanted,” said Swanson, as he massaged his crotch.
“These heathens paint themselves green and march around in parades while wearing hardly a stitch of clothing to cover up their heinous maleness. Why do you know that in New York City, that den of iniquity, they’re letting the sodomites march with decent human beings today? Their sweaty, muscular, athletic bodies are going to be on display for everyone to see. It’s disgusting!
“I’ve spent hours on gay porn sites and I know what these men are up to,” raged Swanson. “God will punish them for their vile sins, that’s for sure, but in the meantime I feel it’s my duty to tell the public all about it, so my research will continue.”
Swanson eventually got so worked up that he started speaking in tongues and had to be escorted from his studio and given a sedative because aides feared he would activate the poison glands located in the roof of his mouth and inadvertently hurt himself.