Latest Reports Reveal Russian Ambassador Showered Sessions With Gifts

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WASHINGTON – The Washington Post is reporting that after meetings with then Senator Jeff Sessions last summer, Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak showered the Trump surrogate with expensive gifts in an apparent attempt to curry favor with the Trump Campaign and potential 45th President of the United States.

According to the article in the Post, the gifts included but were not limited to an expensive top-of-the-line tricycle, a large jungle gym playset, an extra small Confederate uniform with a miniature battle flag, and a Shetland pony.

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According to the article in the Post, the gifts included an expensive tricycle and deluxe jungle gym for Sessions’ plantation in Alabama.

The article claims that Sessions did not report the gifts and should never have accepted them in the first place.

“If this is true Attorney General Sessions is in violation of senate rules,” said Johnny Isakson (R-GA), Chairman of the Senate Ethics Committee. “This is very serious.”

When reached for comment about the allegations, Attorney General Sessions denied that he had received any gifts from any Russian official, and had in fact never spoken to the Russian ambassador in his life.

“I wouldn’t recognize the Russian ambassador if I looked up at him from a foot away,” said the diminutive racist from Alabama.

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After Sessions denied the allegations made in the article, the Post published photographs of the Attorney General riding his new pony on a farm in Maryland.

“In fact, I’ve never spoken to anyone from Russia at all. I can’t even tell you where Russia is. I know Sarah Palin knows where it is; why don’t you go ask her about the Russian ambassador.”

Despite his denials, the Post is standing by its story, and released photographs of Sessions riding his new pony on a farm belonging to a Republican state senator from Maryland. There were also photos of the attorney general playing on his jungle gym with friends and riding his tricycle on the sidewalk outside a bar in Georgetown.

At a hurriedly called press conference this morning, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer called for Sessions to resign.

“I don’t care how much fun the Attorney General is having with his new toys,” said a visibly irritated Schumer, “it’s his duty as an American citizen to resign and return those gifts.”

So far there has been no response from the Trump Administration to the disturbing new revelations.

White House Press Secretary Sean Sphincter told reporters that the President was far too busy finalizing plans to nuke Pyongyang to worry about any fucking Shetland ponies.

 

Sarah Palin Declared Legally Dead

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BALTIMORE – (CT&P) – A team of distinguished physicians and Ph.D’s from Johns Hopkins who examined Sarah Palin during a recent trip to Baltimore has declared her legally dead.

While at Hopkins, Palin was subjected to a wide variety of tests including functional MRI, PET, EEG, and CAT scans, as well as a whole battery of other tests on her body and brain.

The leader of the team, Dr. Jay Baraban, a professor specializing in MicroRNA regulation of synaptic function, told CNN that the scientists found almost no electrical activity within Palin’s skull, indicating that Palin is basically a zombie.

“What we found was truly amazing,” said Baraban. “Ms Palin is basically a walking turnip. I’m amazed she has the ability to wipe her own ass.”

The team also found that Palin had little or no blood flow through her brain.

“The fMRI scan revealed that Palin’s brain is basically a fetid swamp,” said Dr. Jeremiah Cohen, an Assistant Professor of Neuroscience specializing in neural circuits for reward, mood, and decision-making. “I really don’t see how the woman can function at all. It’s no surprise to me that the bitch never makes any sense.”

The team’s findings are not legally binding, so no one should get their hopes up that Palin can be detained and placed in a facility where she can be studied for the freak of nature that she is. However, the proper authorities have been notified of her condition so she can be monitored until all her systems shut down or someone drives a spike through her head.

New Research Pinpoints Origins Of Republican Party

gop-banner-612x300FLORES, INDONESIA – (CT&P) – An American archeological research team working on the Indonesian island of Flores has uncovered evidence that indicates that the “hobbits” of the Soa Basin may have been the first Republicans. The team has presented as evidence stone tablets written in an ancient tongue that bears a striking resemblance to the doublespeak so common among GOP leaders today, and the tablets outline a political philosophy that almost perfectly coincides with the reactionary policies advocated by the right wing in modern America.

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The symbol of the dominant political party on Flores during the time of the “hobbits” was the mastodon. It apparently evolved over a period of time into the current GOP elephant.

The team, led by Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland township New Jersey, is currently working at the Liang Bua site, which made headlines with the discovery of Homo floresiensis, better known to the public as the “hobbits” of human evolution.

The site was originally discovered during the 1950’s and 60’s by Father Theodor Verhoeven, who lived and worked on Flores at a Catholic Seminary.  Verhoeven had a keen interest in archeology and had studied it at university.  While living on Flores, he identified dozens of archeological sites and conducted excavations at many of these, including the now famous site of Liang Bua.

Verhoeven was the first to report that stone tools were found in association with Stegodon remains in central Flores at several sites within the Soa Basin. At the time, paleoanthropologists took little notice of Verhoeven’s claims or if they did, they discounted them outright.

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The diminutive size and small braincase of Homo floresiensis gave the “hobbits” a type of Napoleon complex that made them very insecure and resistant to change or progress of any kind. The very same traits can be found in Republican leaders today.

However, since then, several research teams uncovered evidence that confirmed Verhoeven’s findings regarding the tools and fossils around the various sites on Flores. But it was not until 2003 that the skeletal remains of Homo floresiensis was discovered.

The discovery led to further expeditions, and more remains and artifacts were uncovered, leading to all types of speculation regarding the “hobbits” place in the evolutionary ladder.

Now the discovery of stone tablets that indicate a primitive grasp of language and social policy has thrown the scientific community into an uproar.

“We never expected that such a primitive culture would be able to create a written language, much less a viable political party,” said Professor Hikita. “Despite their diminutive size and small braincase, the “hobbits” seem to have developed their own policies regarding religion, sexual orientation, taxation, and immigration, to name a few.”

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The first clue that “hobbit” DNA may have been passed down to Homo sapiens was found in incoherent speech patterns and nonsensical statements made by current GOP leaders. “The same nonsense was spouted by “hobbit” political leaders 700,000 years ago, and someone had the good sense to write it all down on stone tablets,” said Professor Hikita

“From what we can discern from our examination of these stone tablets, the “hobbits” were a highly reactionary species that reacted violently to change of any kind,” said Hikita. “This translated into a very vanilla society that eschewed new ideas or anything out of the ordinary. Any deviation from the regimented way of life that the “hobbits” championed was greeted with derision, ostracization, or imprisonment on neighboring islands.”

According to Professor Hikita, immigrants to Flores were looked upon with suspicion and treated as second class citizens. “The “hobbits” were terrified of outsiders and generally thought them useful for only doing menial labor around the cave and working in the fields,” said the professor. “It really was a bigoted way of treating their fellow hominids.”

“It’s as if the “hobbits” were stuck in the past and unable to evolve into a more progressive society, and this eventually caused their downfall. However, by comparing the DNA of Homo floresiensis to that of modern humans, we have been able to detect a high percentage of the same genetic material  present in some people walking the earth today, so some of them must have survived the collapse and gone on to interbreed with more successful species on the mainland.”

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“The similarities between today’s Republican leaders and Stone Age hominids is quite alarming,” said Hikita. “If we don’t do something to reduce their influence I think the country could be in big trouble.”

In what is sure to be a controversial finding, Professor Hikita is publishing an article in next month’s Scientific American that details evidence of a link between Homo floresiensis and members of today’s Republican party.

“The similarities are striking,” said Hikita. “We see the same bull-headed intransigence, the same reactionary responses to societal change, and the same desperate clinging to the past in the modern day GOP that we saw in the ancient “hobbits.” The genetic traits of the “hobbits” were apparently so strong that they have been passed down through thousands of years and continue to pop up today. It’s amazing.”

Professor Hikita warned that if the GOP were to retain power for any length of time or for instance gain the White House once again, America could suffer the same fate as Flores.

“We hope that our research will lead to a cure for the self-destructive behavior we now see on the American right,” said Hikita. “Perhaps through some innovative gene splicing we can help these folks so they will be able to look to the future instead of the past. Our country may depend on it.”

 

 

Laura Ingraham To Be Placed In Quarantine

Conservative media personality Laura Ingraham speaks during the inaugural Freedom Summit meeting for conservative speakers in Manchester

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Radio talk show host and Fox News pundit Laura Ingraham has been detained and will be placed in quarantine facilities in Atlanta, according to Dave Daigle, a spokesman for the CDC. The action comes only two days after Ingraham blamed President Obama for the current cases of Ebola that have cropped up in the United States.

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Ingraham has for some time exhibited signs of instability, particularly when she discusses children or refugees from foreign lands.

On Wednesday’s edition of “The Laura Ingraham Show,” the child-hating anti-immigrant pundit made some despicably naive and misleading comments about President Barack Obama’s handling of the Ebola crisis, using faulty logic: even though President George W. Bush did more for Africa, Obama’s “familial connection with Africa” and compulsion to aid the impoverished region is much more dangerous.

Ingraham wants her listeners to believe that like every other problem in the known universe, the Ebola crisis is Obama’s fault.

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According to Daigle, Ingraham will be released “as soon as she poses no threat to the general public.”

At a press conference on the steps of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Daigle told reporters that Ingraham had exhibited symptoms of “pretzel logic, bigotry, and an inability to make any sense whatsoever” while on a national broadcast. “We just could not take the chance that Ingraham would spread the infection to her listeners,” said Daigle. “We already have enough conspiracy theory wing nuts running around the country as it is. God help us if she spreads the malady to even more dim witted Americans.”

Daigle stressed that the quarantine was “only a precaution,” and Ingraham would be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, who were already under observation.

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Ingraham will be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin, who is suffering from some sort of persecution complex and thinks she is being followed by dozens of spiders with human heads.

“We just want to make damn sure that this special form of idiocy doesn’t spread, and we intend to ere on the side of caution, after all, a disease that threatens our ability to reason is just as deadly as Ebola or Dengue Fever to our national well being.”

As she was being transported into the facility in a straight-jacket Ingraham screamed at reporters that she was not insane. “I always make perfect sense! I’m not crazy! This is what you get when you let illegal immigrants into the country! All those kids should be shot!”

Ingraham’s audience of over 1200 listeners are expected to take the quarantine in stride and tune into Glenn Beck instead until she is released.

 

ISIS Kicks Off Innovative Socialized Medicine Campaign With Appointment Of Death Panels

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – An ISIS spokesman told reporters Monday that ISIS Health and Human Services Secretary Abdul “Madman” Fuqwhaddi, known to the ISIS rank and file as the “Dumb Sheik,” has announced the formation of “Death Panels”  to decide who will live and who will perish in newly conquered towns and territories.

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Secretary Fuqwhaddi assured ISIS execution squads that the carpal tunnel syndrome currently afflicting so many trigger fingers will be covered under the new health care law

“It’s more a matter of allocation of resources rather than anything else,” said the spokesman. “Secretary Fuqwhaddi wants to make sure that all demographic groups get equal treatment under the new health care law.”

“Christian infidels, Jewish pig-dogs, subhuman Yazidis, and our misguided Shiite cousins should all be able to get the health care they need in the form of fast and efficient torture and execution.”

Although the ISIS troops are armed to the teeth courtesy of abandoned high-tech U.S. weaponry, it seems that there is just not enough time in the day to murder everyone who  needs to be murdered.

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Sarah Palin told Fox News dullard Sean Hannity that she predicted this tragedy would occur if Obamacare was passed. “If everyone would just take my advice once in a while, the world would be a much better place,” said Palin.

“We’re doing our best,” said the ISIS spokesman, “but genocide on this scale is damn hard work. If we are going to successfully take this region of the world back into the Stone Age, we really need to concentrate on eliminating all other forms of religion and silence dissent of any type.”

“We are confident that because God is on our side we can get the job done. It’s just going to take dedication and sacrifice on the part of our cowardly and psychotic executioners. They will really deserve a vacation in Fallujah when all this is done. We’ve rounded up a herd of virgins for that very purpose. Nothing motivates a group of crazed Muslim murderers like the promise of virgins after a hard day of butchery, as I am sure you are all aware.”

The American intellectual and perpetual self-promoter Sarah Palin, who first warned of these so-called “Death Panels,” told Fox News today that “I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. I warned everyone that if we passed Obamacare, it would only be a matter of time before a group of administrators would be deciding who lives and who dies, and lo and behold I was right!”

 

“MOVE BITCH, Get Out The Way!”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Please God someone get this woman to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I’ve seen grown men rip their own heads off in order to avoid listening to her patented and unique brand of stupid.

She is running neck and neck in the moron department with that other “glittering jewel of colossal ignorance”, Michele Bachmann, and that takes an extraordinary amount of incoherence.

There is a special place in Hell awaiting John McCain for dragging this monster out of the wilds of Alaska and putting her in front of a bloody camera! Why doesn’t he advocate bombing this creature? That’s his standard solution to every other problem.

Oh, the humanity!

GET OUT THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

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In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”