Shocking New Revelations From Edward Snowden

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MOSCOW-During his first annual Christmas special from a stylish dacha located just outside Moscow, Edward Snowden revealed what may be the most insidious of all the intrusive NSA spy programs.

The variety show, “A Very Snowden Christmas” was broadcast around the world on BBC Channel 4. It featured a Stoli chugging contest, a chess tournament in real-time, readings from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s¬†Crime and Punishment, and a viewing of the recent hit internet movie “Babushkas Gone Wild!”

However, the main event was Snowden’s three-hour rumination on the loss of privacy and its potential effects on society in the future. During this linguistic marathon Snowden casually mentioned what can only be described as a monstrous NSA program code-named “Satan’s Claws.”

The program has apparently been active for over four years. It seems that in a rare case of inter-agency cooperation, the FBI and NSA managed to coerce Santa Claus into gathering video and DNA evidence for use by the intelligence community. The program takes advantage of the notorious “sneak and peek” provision of the Patriot Act. Once per year on Christmas Eve, Santa snaps photos and records video of the interior of millions of American homes. He also takes mouth swabs from suspicious characters and “dissidents” while they sleep. The photos, videos and DNA samples are then entered in a huge database for possible use by government agencies at a later date.

When asked to define “dissident” for purposes of the program, Snowden said “You know dissidents,¬†unsavory characters like liberals, members of the press, Hollywood types, basically anyone who votes Democrat.”

Snowden went on to say that at first Mr. Claus was very reluctant to participate in such a sinister program. However, when FBI agents showed Santa some old surveillance photos and threatened to expose him, he finally agreed to participate. Apparently the rumors about Santa and his Elves are true.

“A Very Snowden Christmas” turned out to be a huge hit in Russia where over 20 million homes tuned in on black and white television sets. Snowden closed the program by sliding down a pole with a vodka martini in his hand a la Dean Martin. He then strolled off the stage to the tune of the “March” from Prokofiev’s The Love of Three Oranges, with a gorgeous blonde on each arm.

CIA Whistleblower Confirms That Santa Claus Is White

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LONDON-At an early morning press conference held at The Guadian’s London headquarters, spokesman Lord John Wharfin announced that the paper had obtained incontrovertible evidence that Santa Claus is in fact a Caucasian.

Lord Wharfin displayed a series of grainy long-range surveillance photographs along with a statement from a mole within the C.I.A. The photos revealed a bearded man in a red suit backing a rental truck up to the dock of a C.I.A. “black site” somewhere in the Balkans. “As you can plainly see from this photograph, Santa is undoubtedly a white man,” Wharfin said.

The series of photos showed Santa leaning out of the truck with a cigarette dangling from his mouth using the driver’s side mirror to line up the rear of the truck with the loading bay. Wharfin continued, “We can also deduce that Santa smokes Camels and the burst blood vessels around the nose and cheeks indicate that he is a heavy drinker.”

An unnamed informant told The Guardian that Santa was delivering a vintage “Brazen Bull” from Sicily, once used by Phalaris, tyrant of Akragas, to execute unruly citizens. The C.I.A. had placed the Bull at the top of its Christmas list this year. Santa apparently obtained the Bull from a surplus store in Palermo.

The “Brazen Bull” has been a tried and true torture and execution device for millenia. It is a hollow bull cast from bronze or gold into which the condemned are placed while a fire is set under it. As the bull heats up, the unfortunates inside slowly roast to death. All in all it can be a rather unpleasant experience.

Traditionally, brazen bulls have been equipped with devices on the snout which convert the screams of the damned into beautiful music. However, the C.I.A. model has been modified to produce confessions and information that the intelligence community wants to hear, regardless of its veracity.

A "Brazen Bull" from Phalaris' first production run circa 550 BC

A “Brazen Bull” from Phalaris’ first production run circa 550 BC

In a written statement read aloud by Lord Wharfin the mysterious whistleblower said, “For some time now the Agency has been casting about for a replacement for waterboarding and long-term sleep deprivation. We have just had too much bad press on those two methods of torture. The drone program is cool, but it’s damn near impossible to interrogate anyone after they and their families have been blown to bits by high explosive. The ‘Bull’ offers us a viable alternative, and who knows, maybe later we can sell a few knock-offs to the FBI or DEA for domestic use.”

Lord Wharfin closed the press conference by saying that The Guardian did not in any way support the torture of any individuals under any circumstances. The disclosure regarding the “Brazen Bull” was merely a by-product of its efforts to determine the racial background of a mythical character purported to visit millions of homes on Jesus’ birthday.

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Lose

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Hysteria over the mythical “War On Christmas” reached a fever pitch at Fox News last week with multiple anchors and pundits becoming apoplectic over supposed threats to our most holy of holidays.

Anchor Megyn Kelly showed signs of losing her small mind during a discussion of Aisha Harris’ column in Slate. Harris had suggested that Santa could possibly be changed to a “race neutral” being such as a penguin. As we know, any suggestion of cultural or societal change in America is met with venomous and often incoherent outrage by Fox News personnel, and Kelly is no exception.

On her Wednesday show Kelly waxed ignorant on the subject: “For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But Santa is what he is.”

Kelly continued, “I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa – I just want the kids watching to know that.”

Where does one begin to analyze this mess?

In the first place, Aisha Harris has to realize that the chances of replacing Santa with Penguin Claus are about as good as replacing the Easter Bunny with an avenging alien Xenomorph. Santa Claus is about as entrenched in American culture as Bill O’Reilly is at Fox News. He’s not going anywhere.

But Kelly’s reaction to the “Penguin Claus” suggestion was bordering on the insane. Not satisfied with criticizing Harris about Santa, she had to bring Jesus into the mix, claiming both were white guys. Kelly, like many Fox anchors, has a real problem discerning fact from fiction and conjecture. Both gentlemen in question, Saint Nicholas and Jesus of Nazareth, were born in areas of the world not particularly known for an abundance of white skinned, blonde, blue-eyed citizens, Kelly’s attempt to make them Aryans notwithstanding.

Kelly is not alone in her madness. Another Fox anchor, Gretchen Carlson, went ballistic over a “Festivus Pole” erected at the Cretonia Capitol in Tallahassee. She said, “Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like, ‘Oh yeah kids, look. There’s Baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans!”

The most obvious answer to Gretchen is, “You don’t.” In fact, all of us would be grateful if you and your children stayed at home, where you will do the least amount of damage. And by the way, while you’re there you could enjoy a little PBR yourself. It might relieve a little tension and loosen you up.

All of this furor over some mythical “War On Christmas” is only designed to fill broadcast time at Fox while anchors take a breather from bashing Obamacare. It puts on display the insecurity of both the anchors and their overwhelmingly white, aging audience. To paraphrase Jon Stewart, Fox News lives in a world of pure fear and despair where every inconsequential change becomes a harbinger of a dystopian post-America apocalypse.

We realize that an ego the size of Manhattan is apparently a mandatory trait in order to be an anchor on any network in this day and age, but a little humility when one makes an idiot of oneself would be refreshing.

However, instead of apologizing for her rant, Kelly devoted an entire segment of her show on Friday to criticizing her detractors and letting us know how important and powerful both Fox News and Megyn Kelly really are. She accused her critics of race-baiting, among other things.

Say what?

As Baby Jesus’ supposed birth-date nears we will no doubt be treated to more of this insanity. It’s just a damn shame that Megyn could not stick to modeling swimsuits and lingerie instead of commenting on societal issues. She is far better equipped for the former pursuit.

In the immortal words of Dan Quayle, “What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.”