FBI Now Pretty Sure Radicalized Muslim Couple That Stockpiled Weapons, Ammo, And Explosives Before Murdering 14 People At Christmas Party Might Have Been Terrorists


WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – FBI Director James Comey said that after some intense investigation the agency was leaning towards thinking that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik were terrorists.

“I don’t want to judge before all the facts are in, but it’s beginning to look like this couple could be jihadi lunatics,” said Comey, during an interview on CNN.

However, Comey said that we need to very careful not to label the couple before the investigation is complete.

Comey said that just because the couple was Muslim, had contact with radical supporters of ISIS, possessed an arsenal of weapons, thousands of rounds of ammo, and had a habit of building pipe bombs in their child’s nursery, did not mean that the newlyweds were necessarily a terrorist threat.

“Plenty of Americans have arsenals in their home and bring their infants to the firing range,” said Comey, a strong supporter of the NRA.

“Just because you hold radical opinions doesn’t make you a terrorist either,” he continued, “I mean, their are plenty of idiots who spend their weekends screaming Bible verses at innocent women entering Planned Parenthood clinics. It’s important that responsible Americans differentiate between terrorists and just plain old assholes.”

Comey promised the American public that just as soon as the FBI decided how to label the couple, other than aerated lumps of unrecognizable decaying flesh, he would let us know.


Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify


SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.