Saban Conjures Hurricane To Help Bama In Athens

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TUSCALOOSA – (CT&P) – The Tuscaloosa News is reporting that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban held a satanic ritual at midnight last night in order to alter the path of Hurricane Joaquin. The ritual, which included the ceremonial drinking of bulldog blood, was held deep in the recruiting dungeons under the athletic office where SAT answer sheets are normally stored.

Sources close to the program are saying that Saban is “pulling out all the stops” to give the Tide at least a “snowball’s chance in hell” against the Bulldogs on Saturday.

The anonymous sources say that Saban feels that his strong defense, aided by hideous weather conditions, is the only hope for victory. So far the Tide’s anemic offense, led by malfunctioning cyborg Jake Coker, has been unable to generate much of anything against strong opponents.

According to the National Weather Service Joaquin’s predicted storm track did indeed mysteriously change during the night.

Dr. Greg Forbes, severe weather expert for the Weather Channel, said that computer models now have Joaquin taking a left turn and stalling over Athens for days before breaking up sometime early Sunday.

“It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Forbes.

Forbes told viewers that if Joaquin follows the new predicted track it has the potential to be as disastrous as the Great Ice Storm of 2014, which dumped as much as 1/100 of an inch of frozen precipitation on Atlanta roads, causing the entire city to be paralyzed for days.

“I really can’t explain why the storm is acting like this, but Georgia fans who plan on attending the game in Athens on Saturday should bring along their bass boats or inflatable rafts as a precaution. We just don’t know what will happen at this point,” said Forbes.

 

 

 

Investigators Now Believe Coker Exposed To Lead Paint While At FSU

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – NCAA investigators revealed today that Alabama back-up quarterback Jacob Coker could have been exposed to lead-based paint during his time at FSU, which could account for his complete inability to understand even the most basic plays in Bama’s new offense.

The paint was found throughout the athletic dorm at Florida State, and was badly peeled in some places. Authorities believe that several athletes have been exposed over long periods of time and some may have even inadvertently consumed the paint on pizzas and other take-out foods eaten in the dorm.

“Well this finding really explains a lot,” said Lane Kiffin, Bama’s new offensive coordinator. “I mean Jesus, I can’t even signal in a simple hand off to a running back without getting that damn ‘deer in the headlights’ look from Jake. It’s getting really ridiculous, and Coach Saban is just about ready to rip my head off. This will provide us with an excellent excuse to move another QB into the back-up role.”

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The FSU coaching staff has been puzzled for some time now over Winston’s apparent obsession with crustaceans

Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher was also relieved upon hearing the news, as it may help to explain some of Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston’s bizarre and shocking off-field behavior.

“For a while now we thought Jameis was on some sort of weird drug that did not show up in our tox screens, or that he had some variation on Tourette’s syndrome that gave him the urge to shout sexual epithets while standing on tables in the student union,” said Fisher. “Now at least we can seek medical treatment for him. I tell you, the coaching staff is of sick worrying that he might steal more crustaceans or scream some sexual obscenity while in public.”

“We are taking bids to have the athletic dorm stripped and repainted over the Christmas holidays,” continued Fisher, “that way we can at least try to keep the criminal activity down to the manageable levels we are used to here at Florida State.”

Although Winston’s level of exposure is thought to be serious enough to warrant treatment, the FSU staff think he can continue playing and finish the season. However, Coach Saban is not so optimistic concerning Coker’s future at Alabama.

“I’m sorry but I don’t have the patience to deal with this idiot for one more minute,” said Saban. “I need a quarterback who can at least memorize five or six plays. If we don’t get Coker off the team soon, the NCAA may be investigating a wrongful death case here.”