ZURICH – (CT&P) – Obergruppenführer Sepp Blatter resigned his post this morning as FIFA president and has accepted a position within the Bratva, or Russian mafia. Mr. Blatter told reporters that he regretted leaving the corrupt organization he had worked so hard to build, but with the FBI and Swiss authorities closing in, he felt he had no choice.
“I’m very proud of the work I have done at FIFA,” said Blatter. “We took an organization that had a relatively good reputation and over a period of 17 years we managed to turn it into one of the premier criminal enterprises on the planet.”
“I’m leaving FIFA with a clear conscience and a large bank account,” said Blatter, “and I look forward to serving my new employers with the same creativity and enthusiasm I displayed while in charge of soccer’s ruling body.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed delight with the turn of events.
“The imperialist swine from the United States have tried to destroy this innocent man by dragging his good name through the mud of their capitalist pigsties. We welcome him, his aides, and his young Asian sex slaves to Mother Russia. His experience in extortion, larceny, and blackmail will be an invaluable asset as we prepare our glorious stadiums for the 2018 World Cup.”
Nearly all international political and sports pundits are in agreement that Blatter should do quite well inside the Russian Mob as it is so similar to FIFA in almost every respect.