Obama Destroys Country Again

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – President Barack Obama will officially restore Denali as the name of North America’s tallest mountain today, siding with the state of Alaska in ending a 40-year battle over what to call a peak that has been known as Mount McKinley.

The historic change, coming at the beginning of a three-day presidential trip to Alaska, is a sign of how hard the White House will push during Obama’s remaining 16 months as president to ensure his fight to address climate change is part of his legacy.

Renaming the mountain, which has an elevation of more than 20,000 feet (6,100 meters), makes headlines for his climate quest while also creating goodwill in a state that has not been broadly supportive to the Democratic president.

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Pat Robertson emerged from a coma on his television show this morning to warn that God will not stand by and let a negro Muslim president rename our sacred mountains.

Obama is slated to tour a receding glacier and meet people in remote Arctic communities whose way of life is affected by rising ocean levels, creating images designed to build support for regulations to curb carbon emissions.

However, a large number of idiots around the country have decried the name change as part of Obama’s continuing attempts to leave the United States a burned-out wreck of its former self when he leaves office.

“This must be part of Jade Helm North,” said C. J. Grisham, idiot, blogger, and president of Open Carry Texas, an organization full of sexual insecure misfits.

“As white people who support the constitution, we can’t just stand by and let that negra Muslim cede our sovereignty to a bunch of Indians. It’s bad enough that he let’s in all those Mexican rapists and murderers. If someone doesn’t stop him, all Americans will have equal rights, and we can’t have that.”

Rush Limbaugh, idiot and formerly important conservative talk show host, told his audience on Friday that Obama was just pandering to the powerful “Injun lobby” in hopes of locking up the 2016 election for Joe Biden.

“It’s a power grab by the minorities that threaten our archaic and bigoted white power structure,” said Limbaugh. “We have to rise up and make sure that nothing ever changes in America. We stole the country fair and square, and we can call it whatever we like.”

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Ohio, known as the “Mother of Drunken Presidents,” boasts eight American presidents, including U.S. Grant, whose liquor bill almost bankrupted the country in 1876.

The dangerously unbalanced Reverend Pat Robertson, an idiot who has made millions preaching the gospel of the socialist crusader Jesus of Nazareth, told viewers of the 700 Club that Tropical Storm Erika was a warning to all Christians in America that if Obama renames Mt. McKinley it will precipitate the End Times.

“If we really want to insure the safety of the United States we should give Alaska to Israel, like the prophecy states in the Bible,” said Robertson, as his enormous head lolled uncontrollably from side to side. Robertson then asked his viewers to pray with him and make a donation to his “Feedsack Fund” for the care and maintenance of all his expensive race horses.

Many other idiots across the U.S. object to the renaming as well, but none more than in the State of Ohio, where a misguided loyalty to McKinley and its seven other presidents almost reaches the level of religious fervor.

“Our presidents were the best,” said Verne McButt, a short order cook and graduate of Ohio State’s School of Acorn Management. “Virginia ain’t got shit on us.”

Although protests by misguided idiots, bigoted assholes, and miscreant climate change deniers are sure to continue, they will more than likely have little effect on Obama, who arrived at the “fuck it” stage of his presidency months ago.

 

 

Scientists Confirm Limbaugh Slowly Morphing Into Giant Cane Toad

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MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Researchers at the Banzai Institute have confirmed that conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh is slowly changing into a gigantic cane toad, or Rhinella marina.

“There’s no doubt about it,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, leader of the research team, “we analyzed tissue samples from Mr. Limbaugh, and he is definitely undergoing a metamorphosis into a colossal toad.”

Cane toads are giant neotropical toads native to Central and South America, but have been introduced into other parts of the world and are considered one of the most destructive invasive species on earth. Australia in particular has an immense cane toad problem.

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Rumors began circulating about Limbaugh’s health after he ordered a platter of live field mice in a five-star Miami restaurant just before Christmas.

“You can’t imagine how evil these little blokes are,” said Dr. Bruce Bruce from Humpybong University in Queensland. “They’re full of venom that kills just about anything that eats them, and they reproduce like rabbits. Hell, even the crocs know better than to fuck with them. They’re taking over the entire country!”

Professor Hikita told CNN that it makes perfect sense that Limbaugh is starting to resemble a cane toad, because he’s been spewing a very similar venom on the radio for so long.

“Limbaugh has shown that he has an almost endless supply of malevolent venom at his disposal, and it’s almost identical to the milky white bufotoxin secreted by glands on the cane toad,” said Hikita. “We think that Limbaugh has similar glands that collect the toxin from the thick layer of adipose tissue that covers every square inch of Limbaugh’s elephantine body. Then, when he gets in front of a microphone, all that venom is spewed out like a toxic geyser.”

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Limbaugh continues to insist that nothing is wrong with him but those who have seen him lately report that the metamorphosis is quite advanced.

Hikita said that Limbaugh had been warned of his condition on several occasions by his physician that “things weren’t quite right”, and to go through life without an ounce of sympathy for his fellow man was a recipe for disaster, but Limbaugh has steadfastly maintained that nothing is wrong with him.

“It’s not unusual for pompous assholes to have that attitude,” said Hikita. “Just look at Bill O’Reilly. He’s been a horse’s ass so long he’s actually beginning to look like one on television. It’s sad.”

Hikita offered no real solutions for Limbaugh’s dilemma other than euthanasia, which is unlikely. But he warned the citizens of South Florida that a 350 lb cane toad could do serious environmental damage if allowed to escape and wander around the area.

“If you happen to hear him on the radio, the best thing to do is turn the damn thing off before you yourself become infected,” said the professor. “It’s a fate worse than death.”

 

 

Obama Responds To Syrian Objections Over Airstrikes: “Fuck You Bashar!”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Responding to Syrian objections over the Administration’s plans to fly combat missions against ISIS in Syrian territory, President Obama told journalists at the White House that as far as he was concerned, Bashar Assad could “Fuck off and die.”

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The President scoffed at Assad’s promises to turn the U.S. Air Force into a heap of smoking wreckage in the “Mother of All Air Battles”

In a speech to the nation last night, Mr. Obama said the United States was recruiting a global coalition to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the militants, known as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. He warned that “eradicating a cancer” like ISIS was a long-term challenge that would put some American troops at risk.

“We will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Mr. Obama declared in a 14-minute address. “That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq,” he added, using an alternative name for ISIS. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Mr. Obama specifically stated that he would not place U.S. “boots on the ground” in Iraq or Syria, which most intelligent pundits interpreted as meaning that we will have no large ground units in the Middle East like we did in the recent Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but did not preclude the use of special forces units and forward air observers.

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Mr. Obama has been practicing his “full moon maniacal dictator look” in the mirror in case he needs it as the war with ISIS heats up

Although Mr. Obama has received political support from both parties on his policy statement, some pundits on the far right, particularly those who depend on Fox News for their income, have criticized the President for not going far enough. In addition, several members of the wing nut radio talk show crowd, along with former members of the Bush Administration, continue to blame Obama for the whole situation.

“The Bush Administration and its cheerleaders caused this clusterfuck by invading Iraq in the first place,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Anyone who listens to Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity on this subject needs his head examined anyway. They’re best bet is to shut the fuck up, that way they won’t sound so ignorant.”

Malevolent Despot Conspires With Liberal Media To Divert Attention From Border Crisis

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling a conspiracy that will make Benghazi look like child’s play, President Obama, with the clandestine cooperation of every major news source in America, has successfully drawn attention away from the crisis on our southern border that threatens the very fabric of our republic.

Thanks to a group of highly respected statesmen and political hacks, the nation’s attention in recent weeks has been focused on the wave of hideous monsters trying to invade our pristine country and make it their own. Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), Texas Governor Rick Perry, paragon of reason Sarah Palin and others have illuminated the threat posed by the vile, contaminated children who are on a mission to weaken our health care system by overwhelming it with such horrors as ebola, tuberculosis, bubonic plague, Dengue fever, and the dreaded toenail fungus. What is worse, they’re doing it on orders from the tyrant in chief, Barack Obama.

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Reliable right-wing websites such as Obamaisablacklectroidfromthe8thdimension.com and Overthrowthenegrodictator.com are divided on the subject of whether the President pushed the “fire” button himself or merely ordered the shoot-down

But all that changed with the crash of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine.

The fiery crash has been covered 24/7 by every cable news outlet at the expense of the story that really matters, the invasion of the United States by hordes of evil kids who just don’t look like us real Americans.

Even Fox News interrupted coverage of the endless columns of walking disease vectors posing as children that are forcing their way into our country.

It was left to that ever vigilant group of intellectuals, the right-wing radio hosts, to dig deep and uncover the plot hatched by our tyrannical leader and his pals in the media.

Not surprisingly Rush Limbaugh, the corpulent leader of a small but vocal army of reactionary xenophobes, led the charge to reveal the truth. As soon as news of the tragedy broke, Rush was on it like white gravy on an entire tray of fresh-baked biscuits.

The radio show host called the disaster “an opportunity” for media outlets to distract viewers from the controversy surrounding President Obama and US border security. He suspected that CNN had already swept the immigration crisis under the rug and retreated back to “wall to wall” coverage of the plane.

Limbaugh called the whole thing “very eery.”

Eery indeed!

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Rush Limbaugh was the first pundit to see through Obama’s jet-fuel smokescreen. He told his scholarly and enlightened audience to prepare for “the mother of all investigations” by patriot and intellectual Darrell Issa

Other conservative hosts joined the effort to uncover just what role the Obama Administration had in the downing of the plane. At this time the consensus is that the puppet master Obama probably had one of his aides pose as Russian separatist rebel with a PhD in missile technology from the University of Moscow in order to infiltrate the launch team and target the jet.

However, there is a small but significant group of hosts and websites that think Obama’s overall incompetence caused the crash. They argue that if Obama had declared war on Russia a few weeks ago, like any reasonable president would have done, this tragic loss of life could have been avoided.

Regardless of who is correct, one thing is for sure, the border crisis is now taking a backseat, and coverage of the crash has given the socialist fag-loving autocrat an excuse to push his agenda of converting all our kids into flaming homosexuals.

After the President bemoaned the loss of over 100 scientists and researchers who were on the flight in route to an AIDS conference in Australia, guardian of Christ’s love Bryan Fischer pointed out the dictator’s heresy.

Fischer Tweeted that Obama was callously pushing his “radical homosexual agenda” by even mentioning the lost researchers. “It would make a lot more sense just to convince all men not to have sex with men,” said Fischer, whose widely publicized sexual confusion has made the news in the past.

No one knows when coverage of the tragedy will subside so we can get back to coverage of what counts, however, there is hope. Fox News plans on returning to normal programming later tonight when it airs episode 17 of its 52 part series Benghazi: How Hillary Clinton Murdered A U.S. Ambassador.

 

Florida Lawmakers Decide To Execute All Uninsured Residents Using New “Put ‘Em In The Ground” Law

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Florida governor and Aztec snake god Rick Scott

TALLAHASSEE-The moronathon that is the Florida legislature has passed a bill today that calls for the immediate execution of all of its citizens who are currently uninsured. Governor Rick Scott (R), a supporter of the bill, is set to sign the legislation on Friday.

Opponents of the bill are outraged and are calling for intervention by the Federal government.

One of the co-sponsors of the bill, Senator Frankie-Bob McTurd of Running Sore Springs spoke to a gathering of journalists late this afternoon. “We have a big problem down here with lazy shiftless poor people cluttering up our state. Do you know that there are 3.8 million people here that are too damn poor to afford health insurance? It’s a damn disgrace! The “Stand Your Ground” law has helped some by allowing us to shoot some of them negras and other minorities, but it just ain’t enough.”

Another sponsor, State Representative Billy Wayne Scrotum of Hemorrhoid Beach, agreed. “We’re doing our best to kill-off the downtrodden by fighting Obamacare tooth and nail. We refused to expand Medicaid, and then we intentionally refused to comply with Medicaid law by limiting emergency room visits. We’re sacrificing millions of federal bucks in order to try to wipe out these vermin, but the process is just too dern slow. So we decided to get this over with once and fer all. We all got together and came up with the “Put ‘Em In The Ground” law. I’m right proud to say I done writ part of it!”

The new legislation will authorize a roundup of every Florida resident who is currently uninsured, about 25% of the total population. The slothful and indolent scum will be placed in concentration camps throughout Cretonia where they will be “processed” as soon as time allows. In the meantime they’ll simply be starved or used to feed giant reptiles in nearby alligator farms.

“I think this is a solution that at least 75 percent of us can live with,” said Governor and Imperial Serpent Head Rick Scott. “I always pay my own damn bill when I go to see my herpetologist and I think everyone else should as well. The Sunshine State is a wonderful place to live and we want to everyone to be able to come visit and enjoy our beautiful beaches without having to worry about destitute individuals clogging up our hospitals or pain clinics.”

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Governor Scott devoured a whole baby rabbit before closing the press conference. He will not need to feed again for several weeks.

When asked about the political ramifications of the move, Scott said, “I’m confident with the help of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Fox News, we in the Republican party can continue to count on deluding the vast majority of Floridians into voting against their economic interests. The future is always bright in Florida!”

The press conference closed with a brief ceremony during which Governor Scott consumed a live baby rabbit. The politicians then slithered out of the room.

Jubilant New Yorkers Throng Times Square After Sean Hannity Announces Imminent Departure

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NEW YORK-An estimated crowd of over 200,000 people crowded Times Square and surrounding areas yesterday as word leaked out that Fox News personality and insane person Sean Hannity intends to depart New York and set up camp in the Bible Belt. Hannity made the announcement during a nonsensical rant on his radio program Monday afternoon. The public only found out about the announcement yesterday morning because so few New Yorkers actually listen to the program.

Hannity was responding to comments made by Governor Andrew Cuomo concerning extreme right-wing lunatics and most New Yorker’s desire for them to live elsewhere. Hannity took umbrage to Cuomo’s remarks and said “I want you to know that I can’t wait to get out of here. I really can’t. I don’t want to pay their 10 percent tax anymore.” Hannity continued “I live in the second-highest property-taxed county in the entire country in  Nassau County. I can’t wait to pay no state income tax down in Florida or Texas.”

Hannity continued to rant and rave for the rest of the segment about how oppressive taxes were in New York. “Look, I only made about 24 million last year. By the time I pay federal, state, and local taxes, I barely take home enough to buy a loaf of bread each week. I’m sick of the government giving handouts to lazy poor people and minorities in the form of food stamps and healthcare.  It’s high time the top 1% in this country stood up for its rights. The government has no right to take my hard-earned money and use it to try to help the oppressed and downtrodden! It’s un-American,  counterproductive, and it’s just not the Christian thing to do. You’d never see Jesus hanging out trying to help the poor. Read your Bible if you don’t believe me.”

Although the citizens of New York were exultant over Hannity’s plans, the few intelligent beings inhabiting Florida and Texas were mortified.

“Just what we need,” said former governor Charlie Crist, “another right-wing miscreant moving to Florida. First Rush Limbaugh and now Sean Hannity. Who’s next, that brain-damaged psychopath Glenn Beck? What in God’s name did we do down here to deserve this?”

Popes Gone Wild! (Holiday Edition)

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Pope Francis went out of his ecclesiastical mind last week by suggesting in his Evangelii Gaudium that Christians should actually live according to the teachings of Christ. Among other things, the Pope criticized the excessive greed associated with unfettered capitalism.

The Pope has recently exhibited other forms of instability by stating that we should show compassion for the poor and accept as equals those of other faiths and lifestyles. He is also rumored to participate in questionable nocturnal activities such as ministering to homeless people in soup kitchens and on the street while dressed as a common priest.

All of this finally became too much for good Christians to bear, and veritable hail of brimstone erupted from the mouths of conservative pundits and pro capitalist ministers across America.

Rush Limbaugh (net worth 370-400 million) was first to pontificate over the Apostolic Exhortation. He essentially called the Pope a dimwit who was unable to understand classic economic theory. He also called the document “pure Marxism.” Limbaugh, borrowing a page from Glenn Beck’s book, blamed it on a conspiracy, stating “somebody has either written this for him or gotten to him.”  Next week Limbaugh plans a thorough explanation of why gluttony is not really a sin.

Next to jump on the creaky, unstable conservative bandwagon was Jonathon Moseley, a well-known Virginia defense attorney and Tea Party kook. Mr. Moseley made it clear that Jesus supports capitalism and was mortified by the Pope’s most recent antics. He informed us that “Jesus was weeping in heaven” over the Evangelii Gaudium. “Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist” he said. In the same article, Moseley stated that “the consumer is king,” which is somewhat confusing to those of us who have been taught all our lives that Christ was King.

In the past Mr. Moseley has enlightened us with Jesus’ opinions on a wide range of political topics, including but not limited to Obamacare, immigration reform, gay marriage, and the capital gains tax. He “has it on good authority” that Jesus founded the Northern Nazareth Chapter of the Tea Party 2000 years ago and agrees with 95% of its current political stances.  Moseley is apparently one of the very few in human history blessed with a direct conduit to the Almighty, much like Joan of Arc. However, unlike Joan who saw visions of Christ, Moseley receives his insider info on a Dick Tracy-style wrist communicator with a built-in magic decoder ring.

Thanks to Limbaugh, Moseley, and a horde of capitalistic ministries, Christians world-wide can rest easy with the tried and true “lip service on Sunday, unbridled greed and hateful rhetoric during the week” method of religious worship.

In fact, the Right Reverend Vince Snetterton Lewis, best-selling author of “Christianity for Fun and Profit” and leader of  Our Lady of  Laissez Faire Ministries in Tampa Florida, stated “Jesus, if he were alive today, probably would run a hedge fund or be the CEO of  a massive corporation. He was a strong proponent of wealth in all its forms. No way would he support all the safety nets for the poor we have in this country!” Lewis continued, “We plan on issuing our own proclamation, the ‘Dineros Maximus’ refuting all this Papal nonsense. Happily, it will be  just in time for the Christmas shopping season.”

Needless to say none of these cretins would recognize Jesus Christ if he were standing directly in front of them. One can only hope that if Jesus ever does return to earth he will fly into Sea Tac and limit his ministry to the Pacific Northwest. Otherwise he would be jailed and eventually be committed to an insane asylum.