LANSING – (CT&P) – The RNC has announced that it will be offering Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan as a human sacrifice to the Republican patron saint, the demon Balthazar, in a last-ditch effort to stop Donald Trump from getting the GOP nomination for president.
Chairman of the RNC Reince Pribus told Fox News that he hoped that Balthazar would intercede on the GOP’s behalf and convince Lucifer that Trump would destroy the party and the country as well if he were elected.
“The Republican Party has had a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Our Lord Satan, and we feel sure that the Prince of Darkness will hear our plea and send a swarm of locusts to eat Donald Trump alive or some such thing,” said Priebus, as he donned a black robe and removed a set of stilettos from a glass case.
“We realize that Mephistopheles almost always supports fascist candidates, and that’s one reason we’ve done so well in recent years. But we feel that Trump speaks a little too honestly about our goals and ideals and could wreck our long-term plans.”
The chairman said that a date for the ritual had not yet been set, but the method and location had already been determined.
“We plan on nailing Snyder to a cross in the town square in Flint and letting him hang there for a few hours before slowly lowering him into a vat of molten lead,” said Priebus.
“We plan on inviting the media and making it a family friendly event with hot dogs and ice cream for the kids. We’ve also made sure that there will be plenty of bottled water on hand so none of our supporters will have to drink that poisonous sludge all those poor folks have to drink on a daily basis,” Priebus chuckled.
LANSING – (CT&P) – Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R) announced today that he is ordering the Michigan Air National Guard to carpet bomb Flint “until the entire fucking city is flattened.”
A spokesman for the governor told CNN that Snyder was “sick and fucking tired” of Flint residents bellyaching about lead in their water, the outbreak of Legionaires’ disease ravaging the city, and the guillotining of citizens who commit misdemeanors within the city limits.
“If these people don’t like the way Governor Snyder is running things in Flint, then they can just die along with all the rest of his Democrat opponents,” said Maximilien Robespierre, Snyder’s chief of staff.
“All these folks do is whine about representative government and clean drinking water,” said Robespierre, as wiped blood from corner of his mouth. “They should be glad they live in a state that’s run by a right-wing Christian governor like Rick. There’s plenty of places on earth where people are forced to drink their own urine because there’s no water at all. If you ask me the residents of Flint have it made.”
Snyder, considered by many to be the Antichrist, was once an up and coming star of the Republican Party until he began poisoning the children of Michigan with lead and other heavy metals.
“Poisoning kids is where we have to draw the line,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “I mean if they were all black or Hispanic that would one thing, but Snyder ruined the lives of a bunch of white kids as well, and we can’t abide that.”
According to the governor’s office the bombing is set to begin on Sunday morning in honor of Jesus, because Snyder claims to rule by divine right. As an act of kindness pamphlets warning of the city’s impending doom will be dropped on Flint Saturday along with canisters of mustard gas which is intended to drive as many residents out of the city as possible before the bombing begins.
“It should be quite a show,” said a gleeful Robespierre.