Ancient Aztec Snake God Endorses Fascist For President

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and all around despicable human being Rick Scott endorsed Donald Trump for president today. “With his victories yesterday, I believe it is now time for Republicans to accept and respect the will of the voters and coalesce behind Donald Trump,” Mr. Scott said in a post on Facebook.

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Governor Scott said he would have liked to endorse Trump in person but was feeling lethargic after devouring an illegal Mexican agricultural worker from central Florida and two infants left on the steps of the governor’s mansion to try to placate the climate denying tyrant.

 

 

The governor lamented the fact that he could not address the press directly on this matter, but said he was unable to do so because he was feeling lethargic after suffocating and devouring an infant this weekend during his once per month feeding session.

Scott, known to his intimates as Quetzalcoat, or “feathered serpent,” made clear his rationale: that the party will rip itself to shreds trying to stop someone with a clear path to the nomination.

“Ripping people to shreds is an activity that should be limited to state houses and governor’s mansions, and should only be done under the cover of night,” said the reincarnated Aztec deity.

“If we spend another four months tearing each other apart, we will damage our ability to win in November. It’s time for an end to the Republican on Republican violence and concentrate on tearing out the hearts and livers of minorities, illegal aliens, and their small children,” he wrote.

“It’s time for us to begin coming together, we’ve had a vigorous primary, now let’s get serious about taking over this country and turning it into a hell on earth.”

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Human sacrifice of political opponents has been one of the more effective strategies Scott has used to consolidate power in Florida.

Scott responded to several comments that were critical of the governor backing a fascist asshole for president.

“Fascists have always gotten a bum rap as far as I’m concerned,” stated Scott.

“There’s a great deal to be said for intimidating a nation’s population through the use of concentration camps, perpetual war, and human sacrifice.

“I think if we all work together we can elect a man who will be universally despised by both the citizens of the United States and all the countries of the world. I can’t wait.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott To Be Released Into The Everglades

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be released into Everglades National Park at the end of his second term, according to sources close to the administration.

Aides to Governor Scott said that the decision has nothing to do with the disappearance of three immigrant children while touring the governor’s mansion late last month.

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Governor Scott’s appearance has led many to believe that he is actually the Aztec snake god Quetzacoatl cleverly disguised as an unfeeling short-sighted Republican politician.

“This has absolutely nothing to do with the rumors concerning the governor’s feeding habits or the ugly stories about human sacrifice,” said Sally Chicomecoatl, an aide to Governor Scott and part-time serpent goddess of maize, nourishment, and fertility.

“We just want the governor to be happy in his retirement, and being among his friends and relatives out in the fetid swamps of the Everglades seems like a good start,” said Chicomecoatl.

The rumors and “ugly stories” have been the subject of long-term investigations by journalists at several newspapers in  central Florida, as well as the BBC News program Ethel the Frog.

Vince Snetterton Lewis, an investigative reporter for the Orlando Sentinel, has written a series of pieces detailing the mysterious disappearances of illegal farm workers from north and central Florida. The disappearances seem to coincide with late-night ceremonies in the basement of the governor’s mansion and torchlit processions in the giant, heavily guarded jungle greenhouse located on the grounds.

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Aides to Governor Scott have repeatedly denied ugly rumors regarding the disappearance of several immigrant children who visited the governor’s mansion late last month.

“I’ve interviewed dozens of state employees,” said Lewis. “Most are simply too terrified to say anything about their work for the governor, but one, Stig O’Tracy, a former IRA bomb maker and intelligence operative who was hired to sweep the mansion for electronic listening devices, gave me some insight into the goings-on within the mansion, or the ‘House of 1000 Corpses,’ as he calls it.”

“O’Tracy told me that Governor Scott routinely rips open the chest cavities of illegal Central American farm workers and their children so he can present their still-beating hearts to the Aztec sun god Tonatuih, in hopes that he will continue to rise every morning, thus insuring a healthy tourist trade for the state. According to O’Tracy, a side benefit of this activity is that a happy Tonatuih produces a high number of malignant melanomas so Scott’s hospital chain can fleece the unwary with natural ‘cures’ made out of jaguar livers and tapir scrotums.”

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Governor Scott’s feeding habits have been the subject of several investigations over the years.

So far Lewis and his counterparts in the press have been unable to confirm O’Tracy’s stories because so many of the governor’s former employees end up in the median of Alligator Alley or floating face-down in the Gulf. However, they continue to pursue the story as hundreds of illegal workers continue to disappear every year from Florida’s “Killing Fields.”

“We want to try to nail this freak before he escapes to the swamps of the Everglades at the end of the term,” said Lewis. “Once he gets out there we’ll never find him.”

In a statement issued by the firm of Huehuecotyl, Tlaloc, and Totec, the governor’s lawyer Frank Huehuecotyl stated that the governor would “fight tooth and nail” to refute the unsubstantiated claims, and would “smother them like a python would a baby rabbit.”

Mr. Huehuecotyl is a graduate of the Universidad Anahuac law school in Mexico City and spends his weekends fulfilling his obligations as the Aztec god of trickery and deceit.

 

 

Satan To Kickoff Tour Of Southeast With Visit To SeaWorld

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THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.

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Satan decided to open his tour at SeaWorld because it represents so much that he adores about human beings.

“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?'”

According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.

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Journalists dread Satanic news conferences because they are obliged to tread water the entire time Balthazar is speaking

The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.

 

Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending  a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.

 

Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.

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Mephistopheles will wind up his tour of the Southeast with a visit to his good friend and follower Judge Roy Moore of Alabama. “He is one of His Majesty’s favorites,” said Balthazar. “No one can twist God’s word to suit his own hatred better than Roy! He really makes Christians look awful. We love him!”

 

Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.

Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.

“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”

Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.

“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.'”

New Study Suggests Link Between Skin Cancer And Leaving Your Fat Ass Out In The Sun Too Long

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MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – (CT&P) – A new study out of Great Britain has revealed that the legacy of the 1960’s package holiday boom and the modern vogue for tanned complexions means retirees are now seven times more likely to get the most dangerous type of skin cancer than 40 years ago.

 

Older men are 10 times more likely to be diagnosed with malignant melanoma than their parents’ generation and women are five times more likely.

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Dr. Sharp advised that one way human mastodons could reduce exposure time would be to seek a shady spot such as an airplane hangar or circus tent while devouring fast food during their noontime feeding sessions.

Cancer Research UK, which compiled the figures, said the huge increase was likely to be a consequence of people having greater access to sunny climes since the cost of a holiday abroad dropped significantly in the 1960s.

According to the most recent figures, 5700 over-65’s are diagnosed with melanoma in the UK every year, compared to only 600 in the 1970’s.

Although the study was carried out by researchers in the United Kingdom, similar rates of skin cancer are being seen in the United States and in some parts of continental Europe.

What is even more troubling is the fact that various types of skin cancers are being seen in younger and younger patients.

Dr. Julie Sharp, Cancer Research UK’s head of health information said: “Many cases of malignant melanoma are easily preventable by making sure you don’t burn and not spending an inordinate amount of time in tanning beds.”

“We also see the recent tendency of westerners to turn into giant fat asses at earlier and earlier ages as a factor in the rise of malignant melanoma. As people slowly morph into slow-moving leviathans, they become less active and tend to spend time on vacation sitting immobile on the beach like deceased marine mammals.”

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Dr Sharp also advised that corpulent individuals should exercise in hospital parking lots or in some building equipped with a defibrillator; anywhere other than a public beach.

“The increased surface area of the epidermis caused by diets that could have been designed by Satan himself allows the sun’s rays to hit areas that did not even exist before,” said Sharp. “When one of these lumbering behemoths actually makes it onto a beach, they usually bring a rolling pantry full of beer, sandwiches, and potato chips with them so they can avoid the exhausting 100 meter trip back to the car  until after the sun goes down.”

“Many of these elephantine creatures bring enough food and drink along with them to feed an African village for over a month. Then, after staking out an area large enough for a helicopter to land, they plant themselves on the sand and don’t budge for hours on end. It’s truly alarming.”

Dr. Sharp had some advice for young people that may help them avoid the fate that has befallen so many of their parents and grandparents.

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The exhaustive study also made it clear that some folks are beyond all hope and the best thing for them to do was to swim out to sea.

“Never use a tanning bed,” she said. “It’s like sticking your head in a fucking microwave. Nothing good can come of it. Also, when going out in the sun for an extended period of time, the liberal use of sun blocking products is a good idea. But most importantly, don’t gorge yourself on all manner of manufactured food items until you become colossal mound of adipose tissue with four limbs sticking out from it. It’s unhealthy and makes you a nice juicy target for the blistering rays of the sun.”

The Cancer UK study is due to be published in next month’s Lancet and has already received great praise from everyone except the cruise industry and others deeply invested in the nurturing of various types of skin cancers.

Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott remarked, “I’m no scientist, but I can tell you I don’t trust any study coming out of Great Britain. They have socialized medicine there, and besides, the bastards have never seen a ray of sunshine in their lives, so how the hell would they know?”

Governor Scott made the remarks while lying coiled on warm rock outside the capital building in Tallahassee.

 

Rick Scott Adds New Words To “Forbidden List”

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA – (CT&P) – Governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott has added to the list of terms and phrases that employees of the State of Florida are forbidden to use in official communications. Governor Scott is also backing a bill in the Florida legislature that would make use of certain terms by residents or visitors to the state punishable by up to two years in prison.

The dysfunctional state recently made national news again when it came to light that Scott had banned the use of “climate change” and “global warming” in any emails or in print. As if this was not ridiculous enough, Scott has moved to increase the list to almost 500 “objectionable” words and phrases.

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Governor Scott regularly removes and devours the hearts of migrant farm workers while listening to Kenny G

The new list is so extensive it threatens to abolish the use of the English language within state organizations.

Some examples of the new forbidden words and phrases include “evolution,” “the big bang,” “union,” “Obamacare,” “Democrat,” “liberal,” “black,” “Hispanic,” “civil rights,” “atheist,” “homosexual,” “gay,” “cloudy,” “hurricane,” “sea weed,” “sink hole,” “meth lab,” “trailer park,” “man-eating shark,” and “human sacrifice,” just to name a few.

“Human sacrifice” was personally added by Governor Scott at the last-minute because he is extremely sensitive to the rumors circulating that he regularly removes the beating hearts of undocumented farm workers late at night in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.

The new bill in the legislature, sponsored by Senator R. W. Scrotum (R-Panama City Beach), would expand the ban from state employees to include all residents and visitors to the insane asylum masquerading as a state.

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Artist’s rendering of Tallahassee circa 2079

“It’s high time we got a grip on all this sedition and traitorous talk going on down har,” said Scrotum. “We in the Republican Party know what’s best for Florida, and I’ll be goddammed if we’re gonna listen to any more of this unpatriotic garbage. If people can’t have the decency to just shut the fuck up and do what we say, well then they ain’t welcome here.”

Businesses who count on tourist dollars to operate successfully within the state have protested the ban as well as the new bill, but Governor Scott has remained unmoved, saying “We’ve got our priorities right in the GOP. The world was a much better place before the Enlightenment. Besides, I’ll be out of office before any negative effects from ban take place.”

Florida has long been the laughingstock of the country and is commonly known as “that penis-shaped dystopian hellscape down there,” and these new moves by Scott and the legislature will do nothing but reinforce that attitude.

There is hope however. In less than a hundred years the whole fucking place will be under three feet of water and the rest of America won’t have to worry about it anymore.

Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.

 

A Christmas Miracle

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.

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Heston screamed and writhed on the sand for hours in front of curious onlookers who had woken up early to enjoy free beer and hot dogs before the wet elf costume contest at the Spinnaker.

For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.

“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.

For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.

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Although a famous icon of the right, Heston has long supported marriage equality.

“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”

Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

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After several hours of marching up and down the beach hurling epithets at Cretonians of all ages, Heston turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, and rode off.

“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.

Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”