Governor Scott Calms Fears Of Nervous Floridians

 

TALLAHASSEE – Governor Rick Scott of Florida held a press conference this afternoon to assure his constituents that they would be protected from “storm vultures” in the aftermath of Irma, which is expected to give the entire peninsula a weather enema over the weekend.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god.

“I fought hard to prevent poor Floridians from obtaining life-saving health insurance when Obamacare was enacted, and by God I’m not going to let our citizens be taken advantage of by people coming in from out-of-state to do unlicensed repairs to homes or businesses!” said Scott, as he ate a late lunch of fried infant.

“Anyone coming into our great state with water, food, generators, battery-powered vibrators, or a skill set that might help and who doesn’t have the proper paperwork will be arrested and thrown in prison, unless they happen to be black, in which case they’ll be shot on sight.”

When asked how long the licensing process would take so the people of Florida could take advantage of the services of people from surrounding states, Scott bristled and his scales appeared to change color.

“As long as it takes to make sure we fuck up the less fortunate and the middle class,” said a clearly irritated Scott.

To his credit, Scott sacrificed dozens of migrant farm workers in an attempt to please the gods and change the track of the hurricane.

 

“I’m a Christian first and a Republican second, and that means money talks and bullshit walks. If anyone wants to make a sizable donation to one of my political action groups then we can talk. Otherwise he can file for the proper permits and wait until hell freezes over to sell goods and services to people who desperately want them.

“Fuck ’em!” screamed Scott, as his bare cranium began to sweat blood.

“People get the wrong impression about the GOP; we love government when it controls vaginas, black people, hard-working immigrants and people we don’t want to make money, so I’m telling anyone who wants to come in here from out-of-state to help and make a little cash in the process, think twice asshole!

 

“I’m the only one who is allowed to rip off innocent people in this state. Just ask the guys who prosecuted me for Medicare fraud.”

 

 

Governor Scott To View Eclipse From Top Of Pyramid In Blairsville, Georgia

 

TALLAHASSEE – Florida Governor Rick Scott will join Georgia Governor Nathan Deal and other prominent Republicans atop a recently constructed pyramid in the small north Georgia town of Blairsville, according to a statement released today by the Governor’s Office, confirming rumors swirling around Tallahassee in recent weeks.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of the Aztec Snake God Quetzalcoatl, which explains his complete lack of empathy and hostility towards the poor and minorities.

Although the purpose of the trip was not made clear in the statement an aide to Scott, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Tallahassee News Journal that Scott intends to sacrifice an illegal immigrant agricultural worker at the moment of total eclipse.

“As you know, Governor Scott is a direct descendant of the Aztec Snake God Quetzalcoatl, and it’s a tradition that during a total eclipse, a priest or holy man such as the Governor rips out the still-beating heart of a captive and presents it as an offering to the Sun God Huitzilopochtli in an effort to appease the angry deity,” said the nervous and sweating aide.

The aide went on to say that the recent disappearance of several migrant workers in and around the capital were victims of Scott’s practice sessions.

“He wants to make damn sure he gets this right, because he’s going ask Huitzilopochtli to smite the poor and minority residents of Florida so he won’t have to fucking worry about them anymore,” said the aide, who began to moan and chant in a dead language before collapsing to the floor.

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Takes It In The Ass

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – This morning U.S. District Judge Mark Walker ordered the extension of Florida’s voter registration by one week, until next Tuesday, because of Hurricane Matthew.

“No right is more precious than having a voice in our elections,” Walker said Wednesday during a 40-minute hearing in a Tallahassee courtroom.

Judge Walker also ordered that a two-by-four be driven up Florida Governor Rick Scott’s ass, to remind him that he wasn’t a fucking dictator.

The Florida Democratic Party had asked for an extension of the deadline in the wake of the disarray left behind by Hurricane Matthew, which led to evacuation orders of more than 1 million residents.

Attorneys for Gov. Rick Scott, who had opposed the extension because he is a fucking asshole who’ll do anything to deny poor black folks the vote, and Secretary of State Ken Detzner spoke only to acknowledge their presence. They didn’t argue a position before Walker because they didn’t have a fucking leg to stand on.

Democrats filed a lawsuit Sunday against Governor Scott, who is widely believed to be the direct descendant of the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl. The lawsuit argued that Scott refused to extend the deadline for the very residents he ordered to evacuate for the storm.

“Many Floridians who would have registered to vote prior to the Oct. 11 registration deadline have been displaced or otherwise prevented from registering,” the lawsuit stated.

The lawsuit also claimed that Governor Scott took advantage of the storm to capture, smother through constriction, and devour several undocumented farm workers.

“Quite simply, it is wholly irrational in this instance for Florida to refuse to extend the voter registration deadline when the state already allows the governor to suspend or move the election date due to an unforeseen emergency,” Walker wrote in a 16-page order, which also mandated that Scott be X-rayed to determine if was slowly digesting any human beings.

“We hope that this order will in some small way alleviate the horror inflicted on the less fortunate residents of Florida by Governor Scott, and maybe they’ll get some satisfaction in the knowledge that the bloodthirsty serpent will have a large piece of wood driven way up inside his ass.”

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Says ‘We Are Hoping For The Best And Preparing For The Worst’ For 113th Time In 24 Hours

 

 

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside his bunker deep beneath the governor’s mansion, Florida Governor Rick Scott, surrounded by military and government officials who appeared to have been hypnotized, told reporters this morning that authorities were “hoping for the best while preparing for the worst” for the 113th time in less than 24 hours.

Pundits and pol watchers believe this sets a record for a governor saying the same fucking thing over and over again.

“We think this breaks the record set my Governor Brownback of Kansas when he said ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’ 75 times in just three days as the state’s economy went in the toilet,” said Chris Hayes of MSNBC.

“Tea Party governors in particular tend to repeat the same phrase or sentence over and over and over again in hopes that the populace is ignorant enough to buy the bullshit they’re selling.

“This situation is really not that different; Scott is trying to convince the residents of Florida that he has some grasp of what the fuck is going on, which has never been true.”

Sunshine State Shocker: Governor Rick Scott Puts Human Life Ahead Of Cash

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling the biggest about-face in political history, Florida Governor Rick Scott has suspended fees on all toll roads in the path of Hurricane Matthew.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said an incredulous Susan McManus of the University of South Florida. “Throughout his private and public life Governor Scott has been a money-grubbing bastard the likes of which the world has never seen. No way I’m believing Scott is putting human life ahead of cold hard cash.”

“This is the same man who oversaw the greatest Medicare ripoff in history,” said McManus. “I mean he went to every extreme to screw taxpayers and line his own pockets when he was running Columbia/HCA. He was known informally as “the king of fraud” within the healthcare industry.

“It was even rumored that he had people disemboweled on some kind of weird altar when they refused to go along with his schemes. I just find it hard to believe that the bastard is not trying to cash in on this hurricane. Someone needs to check out this toll booth scheme. I guarantee there’s something in it for Little Ricky.”

At a noon press conference an official from the Florida Division of Emergency Management clarified the toll road situation by saying that only white people or registered Republicans would be exempt from toll fees. All others would have to show a special identification card to use the roads.

The official said that the cards would be available free of charge at all Florida DMV offices provided the applicant presented a birth certificate and 14 other forms of identification.

 

FEMA Director Warns Florida Residents Hurricane Matthew Even More Dangerous Than Governor Scott

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of FEMA Craig Fugate held a press conference this morning and announced that Hurricane Matthew posed a grave threat to life and limb along the east coast of Florida. He warned that Matthew had the potential to be even more destructive than Florida Governor Rick Scott, one of the most catastrophic leaders the state has ever seen.

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Governor Scott, a descendant of the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl, regularly sacrifices immigrants on an altar in the basement of the governor’s mansion.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but Matthew could cause even more heartache and loss than Governor Scott’s disastrous six-year reign of terror,” warned Fugate. “We just can’t afford to underestimate the power of this storm. If we get a direct hit it could kill more people than Scott’s refusal to expand Medicaid.”

Fugate also warned that the destruction of property could be even worse than that caused by Scott’s mule-headed refusal to believe in climate change, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“This storm could do more damage to the great State of Florida than Scott’s redistricting amendments and his attempts to deny black folks the vote combined,” said an emotional Fugate, who hails from the Gunshine State.

“Everyone should take this storm seriously and evacuate to safer, more stable areas such as Georgia or Somalia. Haven’t we suffered enough in recent years?”

Governor Scott could not immediately be reached for comment on Fugate’s remarks as he was busy conducting a human sacrifice in an attempt to appease the Aztec goddess of storms, Chalchiuhtlicue.

Florida Governor Rick Scott Pledges To Personally Eradicate Zika Mosquitoes

 

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TALLAHASSEE –  (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott held a press conference this morning and pledged to take action to eradicate Zika mosquitoes invading the Miami area.

Frustrated by the inability of President Obama and Congress to take decisive action Governor Scott, known as Quetzalcoatl or “Feathered Serpent” to his inner circle, promised the residents of Florida and Greater Cretonia that he would personally fight the mosquitoes by adjusting his diet and feeding schedule.

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When Governor Scott was growing up in Tenochtitlan over 1000 years ago he became famous for keeping the entire district free of harmful insects.

In recent years Scott has almost exclusively consumed the infant offspring of illegal farm workers kept as slaves in Florida’s godforsaken panhandle area. Scott usually devours one baby or toddler per month.

However, as part of his new plan to contain the mosquito-borne virus Scott told reporters that he would start eating insects again like he did when he was a young snake.

“I used to eat thousands of flying insects, roaches, grasshoppers”, you name it,” hissed the Governor. “I’ll forego eating kids for a few months until this crisis passes. It’s the least I can do for my constituents.”

So far there has been no reaction from the CDC on the new plan.