War On Christianity Heats Up

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CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – The tragic attack on a black church in Charleston has captured the nation’s attention as many of our nation’s politicians, media figures, and other idiots try to make some sense of the event.

It was initially reported that Dylan Roof acted out of some weak-minded belief that black folks were inferior and although greatly outnumbered by whites were still somehow taking over the fucking country and raping our fine, pristine, virginal white women.

This crazy conclusion was supposedly backed up by Roof’s “manifesto,” his Facebook page, and comments that he made while perpetrating the vile act.

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Any idiot who studies the facts can tell that Christianity is threatened in the United States. Roof represents the tip of the spear of an all-out attack on religion that threatens the very foundations of our great country.

Thankfully the brain trust at Fox News, with help from some of our political intellectual elites has proved this theory wrong by means of ironclad logic and an ability to see through the liberal media’s interpretation and get at the truth.

It turns out Roof’s real motivation was to destroy Christianity once and for all while it’s on its knees after the successful attempts by liberals, gays, Muslims, secular Jews, and other “unsaved trash” to ban all public displays of Christianity, like those we used to be familiar with around Christmas and Easter.

As we all know Christianity is under attack in this country, and it’s only a matter of time before the mere mention of Jesus will get you a ten-year prison sentence.

Roof appears to have been an early convert to this anti-Jesus movement and in an inspired move sought to mask his real intent by wearing the flags of bigotry and encouraging a “race war.”

“It’s rare we run across a kid with this level of sophistication,” said presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Roof represents the vanguard of the anti-Christian movement that will cause an asteroid strike on the United States. Mark my words!”

Fox News couch tumors Steve Doofus and Brian Killmeplease were quick to agree with Huckabee and others who make no fucking sense whatsoever like Rick Sanitarium.

“The race thing is just a red herring,” said Doofus, as he stared dully into the monitor during Fox and Friends, a show so repugnant that even the uneducated miscreants that watch it on a regular basis are continually amazed.

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Without the fine investigative work done by the Fox News team, no one would have ever known about the mass killings of Christians going on all over the Bible Belt.

“This is clearly a case of Christianity under attack. After all, it did happen in a church.”

Although Doofus and right-wing politicians were able to get to the heart of the matter and uncover the real reasons for the attack, they offered little in the way of solutions to the problem.

“Christianity has been so oppressed in recent years that I really see no hope for any kind of rebound,” said Sanitarium. “There are so few of us left that we have very little influence. I’m afraid that we are doomed to live in a secular country that follows the dictates of Satan by providing health care to the poor, legalizes gay marriage, raises taxes on the ultra rich, and offers equal rights to people who are not white. Jesus would be beside himself! I think our only hope is to hold out until he returns and obliterates mankind in an orgy of bloodletting.”

Huckabee in his wisdom did offer some hope to reduce the number of mass killings in the United States. He is organizing a group to push for a bill banning the name Dylann, Dylan, or any other variation of the name for newborn males, because he said the name was obviously cursed by God and any kid given that particular handle was bound to grow up into a “crazy-ass” mass murderer.

Rick Santorum Escapes Hospital And Announces White House Bid

Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum sits on the set of Iowa Press before taping at the Iowa Public Television studios, Wednesday, March 26, 2014, in Johnston, Iowa. Santorum narrowly won the 2012 Iowa caucuses and has been ambivalent about whether he'll seek the GOP nomination a second time. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

 

CABOT, PENNSYLVANIA – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that former Pennsylvania senator and current religious kook Rick Santorum has escaped from the facility in which he was being held and has announced that he is running for president again.

The 57-year-old Santorum apparently borrowed enough cash to rent a condemned building near his hometown of Cabot and, flanked by out of work steelworkers and six of his seventeen children announced that he would be the “next President of the United States.”

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Hospital authorities are still trying to figure out how Santorum escaped, but were appreciative that he left his cell “neat and tidy.”

“With the help of God and all those citizens who want to turn this great nation of ours into a Christian theocracy governed by our own special version of Sharia law, we will succeed,” Santorum told the adoring crowd of over three dozen supporters.

Santorum, who was placed in a mental health facility in rural Pennsylvania after comparing Nelson Mandela’s struggle against apartheid to the Republican effort to keep health care from the poor, and supporting legislation to declare secularism a religion so it could not be taught in schools, is generally given a snowball’s chance in Hell of winning the GOP nomination.

Pulitzer Prize winning right-wing pundit and celebrated atheist George Will told Fox News that Santorum should change his name to “Rick Sanatorium” because it would “more accurately reflect his fucked up political and religious views.”

“The dude is crazier than a shithouse rat,” said Will.

Santorum announced that he will begin a sweep through rural areas of the Appalachian mountain chain next week to seek out people who are as nutty as he is so he can build a solid base of volunteers for his upcoming campaign.