El Chapo Announces For President; Joins Already Crowded GOP Field


MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – El Chapo Guzman, Mexican radio personality and part-time cartel leader, paused during his escape yesterday to announce that he was throwing his cap in the ring for president of the United States.

Guzman embarrassed Mexican authorities on Sunday by slipping into a shaft through the shower floor of his prison cell and escaping through a mile-long, ventilated tunnel outfitted with a motorbike.

Guzman paused at the end of the tunnel long enough to tell reporters that he was joining the presidential race in the U.S. because he felt that someone needed to do something about the millions of illegal immigrants pouring over the border into America each year. He also hopes that he will be able to facilitate trade “of all sorts” between the United States and his native Mexico.


In less than 24 hours Guzman has raised more cash than any of his rivals in the GOP field. “He’s definitely got the Benjamins to make this a real horse race,” said Charles Krauthammer.

“I’ve been worried about the problem of illegal immigration for many years,” said El Chapo, as he calmly executed members of his tunneling staff because they failed to air condition the escape shaft. “The failure of Congress to come up with a comprehensive immigration bill is an embarrassment to both parties, and something has to be done.”

Guzman’s entry into the race on the Republican side has raised some eyebrows with law enforcement but most Republican pundits around the country see it as a positive development.

Charles Krauthammer told Fox News viewers that “Guzman’s entry into the race will be a positive thing for the party. His outstanding organizational skills and determination to get things done, even when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, will serve him well. I also think that his generosity towards the poor will soften the face of the GOP, which as we all know suffers from a lack of empathy for anyone who makes less than $250,000 per year.”


Guzman campaign posters are already going up all over the country. They are designed to appeal to America’s oppressed minorities as well as members of the NRA.

Former U.S. drug enforcement officials said they had feared Guzman would quickly retake control of the Sinaloa cartel, which reaches deep into the United States and far around the world. They were relieved to hear that he will only be joining the current bunch of crooks currently running for president.

Barry McCaffrey, former director of the U.S. Office of National Drug Control Policy and an NBC News analyst, said Guzman would probably not leave Mexico unless he wins the nomination.

“He’s safest there,” McCaffrey said on Today. “I mean, entire police departments have been bought, along with hotel and casino chains formerly owned by Donald Trump. I think he’ll hang tight until his poll numbers rise.”

The entire Mexican army and federal police force, as well as numerous local agencies, are currently searching for Guzman. Officially his whereabouts remain unknown despite the fact that he was seen having coffee at the Ritz Carlton Mexico City this morning with General Antonio “Montana” Hernandez.


Rick Santorum Escapes Hospital And Announces White House Bid

Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum sits on the set of Iowa Press before taping at the Iowa Public Television studios, Wednesday, March 26, 2014, in Johnston, Iowa. Santorum narrowly won the 2012 Iowa caucuses and has been ambivalent about whether he'll seek the GOP nomination a second time. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)


CABOT, PENNSYLVANIA – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that former Pennsylvania senator and current religious kook Rick Santorum has escaped from the facility in which he was being held and has announced that he is running for president again.

The 57-year-old Santorum apparently borrowed enough cash to rent a condemned building near his hometown of Cabot and, flanked by out of work steelworkers and six of his seventeen children announced that he would be the “next President of the United States.”


Hospital authorities are still trying to figure out how Santorum escaped, but were appreciative that he left his cell “neat and tidy.”

“With the help of God and all those citizens who want to turn this great nation of ours into a Christian theocracy governed by our own special version of Sharia law, we will succeed,” Santorum told the adoring crowd of over three dozen supporters.

Santorum, who was placed in a mental health facility in rural Pennsylvania after comparing Nelson Mandela’s struggle against apartheid to the Republican effort to keep health care from the poor, and supporting legislation to declare secularism a religion so it could not be taught in schools, is generally given a snowball’s chance in Hell of winning the GOP nomination.

Pulitzer Prize winning right-wing pundit and celebrated atheist George Will told Fox News that Santorum should change his name to “Rick Sanatorium” because it would “more accurately reflect his fucked up political and religious views.”

“The dude is crazier than a shithouse rat,” said Will.

Santorum announced that he will begin a sweep through rural areas of the Appalachian mountain chain next week to seek out people who are as nutty as he is so he can build a solid base of volunteers for his upcoming campaign.

Koch Brothers To Acquire Nuclear Weapons


WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside Koch Industries World Domination Headquarters in Wichita, Kansas, a spokesman for the Koch brothers told reporters that a dedicated team has been assembled to purchase nuclear weapons from former Soviet satellite states. Another team has been tasked to begin research and development of a modern version of the old Cold War neutron bombs made so popular by former President Ronald Reagan.


Koch operatives are currently scouring old Eastern Bloc countries and making contact with Russian mafia leaders in order to acquire as many “suitcase nukes” as possible.

Dr. Raymond Turd, head of the company’s weapons division, said that around three dozen operatives were now scouring the old Soviet Union and Eastern Bloc countries for briefcase bombs and other “battlefield nukes,” such as atomic artillery shells, nuclear-capable short-range surface to surface missiles, and nuclear depth charges.

When asked why the Kochs felt the need to acquire nukes, Dr. Turd explained that the brothers were sick and tired of dealing with people who did not agree with their policies and their plans to turn America into a giant oligarchy with Koch Industries as its leader.

“The brothers are getting up there in age,” said Dr. Turd, “and they are fed up with pumping billions of dollars into a political system that still relies on the old-fashioned ideas of democracy and rule of law. The fact that poor people are allowed to vote has always griped their asses. So they have decided to cut to the chase and simply wipe out the opposition with nuclear bombs, starting with urban areas and the capitals of blue states.”


Dr. Turd replaced Dr. Jonathon Rediman as head of the weapons division of Koch. Rediman’s failed attempt to bring back a xenomorph from LV-426 got him fired, and he is currently in a Koch Industries mental ward where all he does is repeat “You are a beautiful, beautiful butterfly” all day long.

“We’re really excited by the idea of a new suite of neutron bombs,” continued Turd. “That way, we can kill all human and animal life in liberal areas of the country and colonize the undamaged cities with young right-wing wacko couples who have signed agreements to breed like hell. It’s truly and inspired plan.”

Apparently the plan has been on the drawing board at Koch Industries for quite some time, but was never taken too seriously until Hillary announced she was running on the Democrat ticket. With the 2016 presidential election looming, Koch’s “Committee of Public Safety,” led by one of the Koch’s distant cousins known only as “Robespierre,” initiated “Operation Dropkick,” as the plan is called within the Empire.

“None of us really thought they would go through with it because of the labor shortage and clean up costs associated with  killing all those people, but when the brothers saw the lineup of Republican clowns running for president, they just threw up their hands and said ‘fuck it,'” said Dr. Turd.


GOP Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Declared Legally Insane

Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate and well-known kook Dr. Ben Carson was declared legally insane this morning by a judge in Michigan, Carson’s home state. The judge relied on evidence given by physicians from Johns Hopkins Hospital and testimony from individuals close to the Carson campaign.

Carson’s speech to the RNC’s winter meeting outside San Diego last Thursday seems to have been the tipping point that forced aides, Republican operatives, and loved ones to take action.

In the speech, Carson compared ISIS militants to American patriots who took up arms against the British during the Revolutionary War.


Dr. Carson made the oddball comments while addressing the RNC winter meeting in San Diego, California

“A bunch of rag-tag militiamen defeated the most powerful and professional military force on the planet,” said the unhinged neurosurgeon. “Why? Because they believed in what they were doing. They were willing to die for what they believed in. Fast forward to today. What do we have? You’ve got ISIS. They’ve got the wrong philosophy, but they’re willing to die for it while we are busily giving away every belief and every value for the sake of political correctness. We have to change that.”

Later in the speech, Carson compared Nazi SS troops to the Salvation Army and the Shining Path guerrillas to civil rights protestors in the 1960’s. Carson went on to compare Adolph Hitler to Abraham Lincoln and Pol Pot to John F. Kennedy. “You really have to admire these people for their willingness to do whatever it takes to achieve the objective,” said a sweating, trembling Dr. Carson.

“This is just one in a long series of weird, disjointed ideas emerging from Dr. Carson’s damaged brain,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “We’re really not sure if his mental condition is due to environmental pollutants or a series of mild strokes. We think that the damage has been done over the last decade or so, because it would be almost impossible for someone this wacked-out to make it through medical school.”


Dr. Carson is one of those fruitcakes that believes the earth is only 6000 years old and Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark. “He’s one crazy motherfucker,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute

Dr. Carson continues to insist ad nauseam that he is “completely rational and perfectly sane.” He has appeared to protest his abuse by the “liberal media” on several Fox News programs such as the O’Reilly Factor, a right-wing apologist show that is a favorite in whites-only nursing homes across the United States.

“Well of course the dude is going claim he’s sane and everything is a liberal conspiracy,” said Dr. Black. “When was the last time you heard a psychopath tell you he was nuts and danger to society? I mean, this guy thinks the earth is 6000 years old, Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark, and America is the modern incarnation of Nazi Germany. He’s a fucking freak!”

Dr. Carson will be placed in McClean Mental Hospital in Boston for a minimum of one month while he undergoes further testing and observation. The staff there has already arranged for a series of town hall-style debates between him and Secretary of State John Kerry, who was admitted only last week. The debates will no doubt be wildly entertaining, considering the fact that one guy is a goofball and the other a raving lunatic. The debates will be moderated by Vice President Joe Biden, who is the only person on the planet fully qualified to understand the two men.

An aide to Dr. Carson told the Washington Post that the decision to place the Tea Party favorite in a mental hospital would in no way affect his candidacy for the presidency. “Since when has being legally insane been a problem for GOP candidates? We have just as good a chance at the nomination as any of those other wing nuts.”