Latest Computer Models Suggest Cable News Personnel Will Remain Hysterical For Duration Of Storm



MIAMI Р(CT&P) РThe latest computer models coming out of the National Hurricane Center in Miami are predicting that anchors and reporters for almost every cable outlet will remain hysterical until Hurricane Matthew deteriorates and heads out to sea.

NHC Director Rick Knabb told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that computer modeling from almost every U.S. source predicted that anchors and reporters in the field would continue to overstate the danger and act as if the world was coming to an end at any minute.

“We expect the melodrama to hit a fever pitch sometime this afternoon or evening,” said a frustrated Knabb. “It would be helpful if these idiots would just report the fucking news and get on with it.

“Everyone on earth knows that trees and stop signs are going to sway during windy conditions. We don’t need Hollywood productions of palm fronds flying around parking lots and dim-witted reporters trying to talk during downpours.

“Telling us the number of residents without power really doesn’t help either,” continued Knabb. “If folks can’t do without power for a few days they don’t deserve to live anyway.”

Knabb concluded by saying that although American computer models have been accurate in predicting cable channel behavior in the past, European models have proved to be virtually useless because foreign programmers just don’t have the experience with morons on television like we do in the U.S.