BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State Supreme Leader and insane asshole Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told CNN today that the ISIS leadership was “absolutely delighted” with their recent real estate acquisitions and couldn’t wait to get down to some serious looting, pillaging, and wholesale destruction of priceless artifacts.
“We are really happy with our recent purchases in Ramadi and Palmyra,” said al-Baghdadi, who sported a stylish infidel dried ear necklace for the interview. “I just can’t wait to see what our architects and interior designers are going to do with our new properties.”
Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his troops were really looking forward to some serious goat fucking in Ramadi’s world-famous brothels.
Omar Abdul-Fattah al-Sphincter, Islamic State Head of Housing and Urban Development, who was also interviewed, said “We’re going to do great things with Palmyra. We just can’t wait to level all those blasphemous infidel ruins and put up tents and shacks to house our troops, and Ramadi, with its world-famous goat brothels, well that was a real bargain!”
Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer that his troops were really looking forward to some down time after the intense 15 minute battle required to run off Iraqi and Syrian regular army forces, which outnumbered the jihadis ten-to-one.
“My boys have barely had time recently to rape and kill innocent women and children because they’ve been so busy with beheading, throwing homosexuals off buildings, and roasting people alive,” said Baghdadi. “I know they’re really looking forward to fucking some of those sexy goats in Ramadi and relieving some stress by destroying the priceless ancient ruins over in Palmyra.”
Almost every decent person on the planet has been shocked and disgusted by the actions of the Islamic State, and are clamoring for their governments to stop the wholesale destruction and slaughter. However, despite the fact they possess enough firepower to destroy the earth ten times over, Coalition partners and Arab states around the region have not come up with any coherent plan to stop the religious fanatics.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – With ISIS on the attack around Ramadi, Shiite and Sunni militias fighting each other as well as Islamic State forces, Coalition airstrikes blowing up empty patches of desert, the Iraqi military in full retreat, and inanimate objects exploding all over the country, United Nations President Sam Kahamba Kutesa officially declared Iraq an official “24 karat Clusterfuck” at a press conference this morning.
The distinction is important because clusterfuck status enables the United Nations to speed up relief shipments of food and medicine to the country whose borders were pulled out of white people’s asses shortly after World War I.
Former Vice President and soulless demon from hell Dick Cheney told reporters that Obama was an idiot and the only sure way to solve international problems was to “KILL KILL KILL!”
“We don’t hold out much hope that peace will come to the area in our lifetimes,” said Kutesa, “but we hope that eventually the fighting will die down to the point where we can distribute food, water, and cyanide tablets to the surviving population.”
The White House hailed the decision as a “real breakthrough” and expressed hope that fleeing refugees would be offered at least one last good meal before being obliterated by wayward drone strikes and terrorist car bombs.
“The situation is improving day-to-day,” said President Obama at a press conference in the Rose Garden, where he thanked Dick Cheney and George Bush for leaving Iraq and the Middle East in such good shape.
“I’m confident that all these religious nut cases will stop murdering each other real soon,” said Obama. “After all, they’ve been at it for several centuries now and I’m sure they’re sick and tired of all the bloodshed.”
Cheney, who was in Washington to negotiate the purchase of a soul to go with his new heart, told reporters that the entire fucked-up situation was Obama’s fault because he offered health care to the poor and failed to bomb the shit out of Iran over their nuclear program.