Fester Addams Joins Republican Field For President

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference yesterday afternoon, state senator Fester Addams (R-FL) announced that he would be joining the already crowded field vying for the Republican nomination for president.

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Fester said his first priority as president will be to formulate some sort of coherent energy policy.

From his mansion at 0001 Cemetery Lane in Panama City, Fester told reporters that it was high time a serious candidate with a firm grip on the issues joined the race.

 

“I saw that train wreck of a debate Thursday night, and watched in horror as candidate after candidate spewed the same tired rhetoric we’ve heard for decades,” said Fester.

 

“I just could not believe the bullshit I was hearing. It’s almost as if these guys are stuck in some sort of 1960’s sitcom.”

 

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Fester told reporters that he finally made up his mind to run after he saw how well Senator Ted Cruz was doing despite making a fool of himself on a regular basis

Fester, affectionately known as “Uncle” to his colleagues in Florida, is well-known for his antics on the floor of the state house, which include sticking light bulbs in his mouth and moving metal objects around the room with his mind in order to distract Democrat speakers.

 

Fester said that he had been considering a run for quite some time but the straw that broke the dragon’s back was the nonsense that came out of Senator Ted Cruz’s mouth during the debate.

 

“If that lunatic can spout the crap he does and actually climb in the polls, well then I ought to have a legitimate shot at the nomination,” said Fester.

Fester told the assembled reporters that the bulk of his campaign will be financed by his brother Gomez, but a kickoff fundraiser will be held this week in the fetid swamp bordering his home.

“Everyone is invited,” said Fester.

 

Scott Walker Vows To Be ‘Education President’

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa last week, Wisconsin governor and presidential candidate Scott Walker promised a fawning crowd of over 3000 supporters that if elected, he would finally find time to get an education.

“I want to be known as an ‘educated president,’ not some dumbass who has no clue what the fuck he’s doing,” said Walker. “I’m sure that once I’m elected I’ll be able to find time to take some courses in remedial English, civics, and even a little history. Bob Jones University has even offered me a scholarship!

“It’s important for the president to be the leader of the entire country, not just a bunch of hicks that want to do away with the entire federal government. I’d like to be able to say that I can lead the enlightened as well as the idiotic.”

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According to aides, Governor Walker spends a great deal of his free time reading children’s books so he can boost his comprehension level past that of preschooler with encephalitis.

Walker, who has conducted an all-out war on higher education since becoming governor of Wisconsin, has been criticized for his lack of understanding of complex issues.

“Walker shows almost no grasp of any concept taught past the 8th grade,” said Wisconsin Education Association Council president Betsy Kippers. “He doesn’t know if he believes in evolution, he doesn’t know if homosexuality is a choice, and he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bastard barely knows his right from his left. He’s an idiot.”

Governor Walker stirred up controversy in February when he stupidly compared protesting teachers and their supporters with terrorists threatening to ‘blow up America.’ But lately he’s been trying to soften his image and appeal to Americans who actually graduated from high school.

“I want to do more than just bust up teacher’s unions, abolish abortion, and deny health care to the poor,” said Walker. “I want to learn how to play checkers, for example.”

When asked by reporters whether he would take any courses in science so he could tell the difference between weather and climate, photosynthesis and Photoshop, a blastocoel and a blast radius, and a zebra from a zygote, Walker replied, “Oh no, we Republicans are Christians and don’t practice the ‘black arts.’ We leave that to Satan and his minions.”

 

 

 

Chris Christie Announces He Will Be Lumbering For President

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LIVINGSTON, N.J. – (CT&P) – Governor Chris Christie declared his candidacy for president here on Tuesday in a 20-minute speech full of New Jersey-style swagger, vowing that as president, “there is one thing you will know for sure: where I stand on every issue, because I am physically impossible to miss.”

Mr. Christie, a two-term governor, offered himself up as a teller of difficult truths, who would never shy from making the kind of painful dietary choices required in the White House — even, he said, if “what I eat makes you cringe every once in a while.”

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Christie’s candidacy marks the first time a sauropod ran for president since William Howard Taft did in 1908

“We must tell each other the truth about the problems we have and the difficulties of the solution,” he said outside a gymnasium here at the high school where he was once class president.

Taking swipes with his tail at his Republican rivals in the Senate, Mr. Christie said there would never be doubts about his ability to perform the job of president, once the White House was enlarged to contain his incredible bulk.

The announcement marks the first time that a sauropod has run for president since William Howard Taft’s successful campaign in 1908.

However, Christie will not be the only extinct species running for the Republican nomination.

There are several Neanderthals, two Australopithecines, three Homo erectus, one Homo rubiofensis, one Homo religulous and one candidate that is the last member of his species known to be alive, Trumpus pompousus, or “Asshole Man.”

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The nearly extinct Trumpus pompousus or “Asshole Man” surprised many pundits with his impressive poll numbers in New Hampshire

The rest of the field is made up of bipedal hominids with varying levels of rudimentary intelligence.

Pundits and odds makers in Vegas have given Christie a one in ten chance of winning the nomination, but at this early stage anything can happen.

Republican strategist Karl Rove was quoted as saying, “If Christie manages to get any momentum he will be hard to stop because of his massive bulk and complete lack of any moral standards. The other candidates would do well to stay out of his way, particularly if there is any food involved.”

Christie is expected to appear sometime this week for an hour-long ass-kissing extravaganza on the Sean Hannity show where a salivating and sexually aroused Hannity is expected to fawn over the candidate like he does every other dumbass fascist he comes across.

Wealthy Primate Escapes Central Park Zoo; Claims He’s Running For President

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – An oversized ape escaped Central Park Zoo on Tuesday and lumbered up Fifth Avenue to Trump Tower where he announced to a crowd of well-wishing Homo sapiens that he would be throwing his hair in the ring for the Republican nomination for president. He told the fawning humans that if “all of those other ignorant beasts” could run then he could too, and he was rich enough to make it happen.

The ape, nicknamed “Donnie” by his caretakers at the zoo, promised the crowd that he would stop the flow of “subhuman Mexicans” crossing the border by building a huge wall around the United States that would keep out anyone who was not rich and white.

He also stated that he would be the “greatest jobs simian that God has ever created” and had a secret plan to defeat ISIS about which he was extremely cryptic except for a bizarre reference to a new chain of casinos and hotels located around the Persian Gulf.

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After “Donnie’s” announcement he went outside and climbed to the top of Trump Tower and fought off biplanes sent by the Mexican Air Force to kill the bigoted and offensive beast.

“Donnie” then went on an incoherent diatribe which made very little sense to any of the paid witnesses to the event, but was praised as one of the “great orations of our time” by the functional illiterates on Fox News and on many right-wing hate radio stations across the country.

Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who became visibly aroused when he heard about the announcement, invited “Donnie” on his show last night and fawned over the candidate for a full hour, asking him softball questions and rewarding him with bananas and other fruits when “Donnie” answered with the correct right-wing gibberish.

Hannity later told aides that he had not been this excited about a guest since he almost had his first man-on-man sexual experience with Cliven Bundy a few months ago.

Most pundits give “Donnie” a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination because he is after all a “damn dirty ape.” However, a few brave souls say it is possible because the GOP field is made up of such a strange assortment of species that it might be inevitable that a subhuman wins.

 

 

 

 

Huckabee Misplaces Mind; Encourages Future Presidents To Rule By Divine Right

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HELENA, MONTANA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop at a nuclear weapons supply depot in northern Montana earlier today, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee temporarily lost his mind.

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The Huckabees in happier times before son David slaughtered the family dog and offered it as a burnt offering to Jehovah.

While being interviewed by Mike Wallace on Fox News Sunday, Huckabee seemed to drift off into his own world and began advocating a return to the “divine right of kings” exercised by monarchs during the Middle Ages.

 

Arguing against marriage equality, Huckabee claims as president he would not be bound by decisions issued by the Supreme Court if they violate commandments issued by the “Supreme Being.”

Former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee addresses the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla., on Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2012. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

Huckabee has long been in favor of turning America into a theocracy with a religious zealot in charge to enforce the laws of God. Here he is seen practicing his speeches while looking in the mirror just like Hitler and other insane tyrants used to do.

Huckabee, tried to argue that the president of the United States would not have to follow a potential Supreme Court ruling favorable to same-sex marriage because the Supreme Court was not the “Supreme Being.”

“I respect the courts, but the Supreme Court is only that — the supreme of the courts,” said Huckabee. “It is not the supreme being. It cannot overrule God. When it comes to prayer, when it comes to life, and when it comes to the sanctity of marriage, the court cannot change what God has created.”
Huckabee then began humming “What A Friend We Have In Jesus” as his eyes glazed over and saliva dribbled out of the left corner of his mouth.
As Wallace tried to end the ill-fated interview Huckabee became agitated and screamed “God hates fags!” over and over again before he eventually fell over and became unresponsive. He was later removed by aides and transported to a local hospital for evaluation.

Carly Fiorina Joins Vice Presidential Race

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DARMSTADT, GERMANY – (CT&P) – From a dark and foreboding castle deep in the Odenwald, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice president on Monday, becoming the first declared female candidate to seek the Republican Party’s nomination for second-in-command.

“Yes, I am running,” Fiorina said on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “I think I’m the best person for the job because I understand how unemployment benefits actually work. I understand the world, and all those lazy bastards who don’t have jobs in it.”

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Fiorina is known to have a short fuse and regularly goes on bloody rampages, firing anyone she comes in contact with.

The ex-Silicon Valley executive and long-shot contender has never held public office. In 2010, she unsuccessfully ran for Senate in California, losing to Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer.

However, Fiorina thinks her lack of political experience and vicious incompetence in business makes her the right choice for vice president.

“I’m the perfect candidate for the job because I have little or no empathy for average Americans, and I’ll be able to deflect criticism from a Republican president when the party repeals Obamacare, guts social safety nets, criminalizes women’s reproductive rights, and leads us into war with Iran,” said the bizarre-looking Fiorina.

“I’m really excited to be part of a group of xenophobic science deniers who want to turn the United States into a nightmarish theocracy run by a combination of religious zealots and huge, faceless corporations who ship all their meaningful jobs overseas,” said the twitching Fiorina.

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Before jumping into the race, Fiorina had a long talk with fellow kook Ted Cruz about the possibility of being his running mate.

“I know there are several other unfeeling, pompous ass lunatics running for vice president, but I think I proved I’m the right kook for the job by firing thousands of workers and botching a merger deal while I was at HP. Hey, if I didn’t do a good job then how come I got that 21 million when I slinked away?”

As optimistic as she comes across in interviews, Fiorina has a snowball’s chance in Hell of becoming vice president.

At this point, it would be hard for Fiorina’s poll numbers to be lower, and most pundits believe that whoever wins the Republican nomination would choose an ISIS terrorist before teaming up with her.

Jason Burnett, grandson of Hewlett-Packard co-founder David Packard and mayor of Carmel, California, told CNN, “She fucked up a great company and I don’t want to see her fuck up a great country. That miscreant needs to stay in her castle with all the rest of the good doctor’s flawed creations.”

Crazy Ass Black Dude Claims He’s Running For President

Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

DETROIT – (CT&P) – An unidentified black man who according to authorities appeared “dangerously unbalanced” rented a ballroom in downtown Detroit on Monday and insisted to people wandering in off the street that he was running for president of the United States on the Republican ticket.

The man claimed to be a former neurosurgeon and said that God had told him in a dream that he should run for president.

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Among other things, the demented black man claimed that fossils were the work of Satan, homosexuals caused climate change, and Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark.

He then made a two-hour long rambling, disjointed speech that was interspersed with a gospel choir singing rap songs that had been ‘cleaned up’ for purposes of the event.

Among other things, the unhinged black gentleman said that the United States now resembled Nazi Germany, the Affordable Care Act was the worst thing since slavery, and that President Obama was a socialist dictator who was bent on taking over Texas and other parts of the southwest.

Authorities investigating the event told CNN that although the man did not appear to be dangerous, they were keeping a close eye on his comings and goings and had alerted federal agencies that a lunatic posing as a politician was now on the campaign trail.

Detroit Police Chief James Craig told a reporter from the Detroit Free Press that they first became aware of the event when concerned citizens began calling 911 saying that some crazy black man was running around the city claiming to be a Republican.

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Many people began leaving the event when the man said that Jesus rode from town to town in Palestine preaching the gospel from the back of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

“When we heard that, we knew we had a real nut on our hands,” said Chief Craig. “No self-respecting black person would ever vote for those cretins. So we sent some plainclothes officers down to this event he was having to find out just what the hell was going on.”

“My officers reported that the man appeared to be mentally ill because he kept raving that evolution was a myth and the earth was only 6,000 years old. He also told the audience that fossils were the work of Satan and related some wacked-out story about Noah putting dinosaurs on the Ark. I mean, this guy is hanging on to his sanity by a thread,” said Craig.

Chief Craig said that they decided not to arrest the man because he appeared harmless and very few people in Detroit took him seriously.

“We’re questioning some young white Jesus Freaks who helped set up the event, and we hope to discover just who this guy really is so we can do some background checks, but at this time no charges will be filed,” said Craig.