Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Executive Orders

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WASHINGTON – In a ceremony at the White House this morning President Trump signed an executive order effectively banning any future executive orders. The order is to take effect immediately.

“Executive orders have done more to destroy this country than any other thing I can think of,” said the President as he held up what appeared to be a Denny’s restaurant menu for the assembled press to see.

“I was elected to give power back to the people, and you don’t do that by being a tyrant like Barack Obama,” said the illiterate orange turd.

“In the future 27% of the eligible voters in this country will decide everything for the rest of the population, not some dictator drunk on his own power,” said the miscreant with bad hair and a micropenis.

Kellyanne Conway, appearing on CNN after the ceremony, told viewers that this particular executive order was all Trump’s idea and she didn’t think he had quite thought this one through.

“He may want to go back and rescind this particular executive order with a new executive order,” she said, as her face appeared to morph into a skull.

Conway told Chris Cuomo that she was sure that the order made sense in some way because it was “Our Lord’s” idea. She then lunged across the table and tried to suck the lifeforce out of Cuomo before withering into a discolored, sagging skin sack and slumped to the floor.

When asked about the order on a special edition of Fox News tonight aired in the middle of the day, George will told Bret Baier that he had no idea what was going on.

The nation has managed to elect the dumbest motherfucker the western world has ever seen,” said Will. “I can’t help you out with this one Bret.”

Will then excused himself saying he had to catch a plane to Bozeman in order to shop for off-grid survival shelters.

 

Obama Vows To Destroy Country One Last Time Before Inauguration

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WASHINGTON – At a press conference earlier today President Obama pledged to destroy the country one last time before turning over the reigns of power to Donald Trump, the first illiterate person to be elected President of the United States.

“I just want to make sure I leave this fucking place in the same shape I found it in,” said an emotional Obama.

The President did not specify what form this last orgy of destruction would take, but White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters later that it would be one of the President’s more creative efforts.

“He may alter the path of a large asteroid and have it impact at the geographical center of the lower 48, or he could cause huge tidal waves to hit both the east and west coasts simultaneously,” said a smiling Earnest. “Hell, he may even order our submarines to launch their Trident II missiles and wipe out every major city in America, you just never know with Barry.”

Experts from around the country say that this will mark the 47th time Obama has “completely destroyed America.”

Professor Hikita of the Banzai Institute told CNN that the variety of methods Obama has used in the past is mind-boggling, and there’s no way to predict how he’ll destroy the country this time.

“The bastard provided health insurance to poor people one time, then he orchestrated a deadly agreement with the Iranians that guaranteed we would all die of radiation poisoning another time,” said Hikita. “Then there was the time he rounded up all the Christians in Texas and sentenced them to live the rest of their lives in forced labor camps under WalMart Supercenters. He’s diabolical!”

The crescendo of doom is expected to begin sometime this evening and continue until the swearing-in ceremony tomorrow morning, leaving little time for many of us to live.

Sara Palin told Fox News that our only hope lies in the good and honorable man we’ve elected to be our next president.

“God has sent Donald Trump to save America, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” said Palin, as she injected 1/2 a gram of methamphetamine into a pulsating vein in her temple. “Trust in Jesus and everything will be just fine.”