Leader Of Catholic Church Meets With Antichrist

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – His Holiness Pope Francis met today with the Antichrist, President Obama, at the White House to discuss ways in which the church can delay the inevitable apocalypse brought about by his reign of terror over the American people and citizens of the world.

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After the Pope left the White House the Antichrist dropped his clever disguise as a reasonable and intelligent human being.

Before the meeting, His Holiness told reporters outside the White House that he had been monitoring right-wing websites and listening to “kooky radio talk show hosts” talk about the evils of the Obama Administration for years and thought it might be time to intervene.

“After reading about the ravages of Jade Helm 15 on various right-wing websites, which reported that the operation eradicated the Christian population of Texas, I decided it was high time someone tried to reason with that demon masquerading as president,” said the Pontiff.

No one knows what went on during the meeting, as it was conducted behind closed doors and the Pope was alone with the Son of Satan. However, afterwards the Pope had some discouraging words to say to journalists.

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Intellectuals within the Tea Party were the first to recognize that we had elected the Son of Satan to be our 44th president

“I was unable to convince the Prince of Darkness to delay the End Times,” said Francis. “He insists that he will continue to offer health care to the poor and attempt to destroy the United States through the use of clean air and water acts, and encourage free cancer screenings and the use of low-cost contraceptives among the poor at the expense of wealthy Americans. Worst of all, he says he won’t just start invading Muslim countries out of misplaced fear and hatred. I’m afraid we’re all doomed.”

For his part President Obama told the press that he really enjoyed his time with the Pope but had to say goodbye after lunch because he had plans to destroy the entire fucking country again late this afternoon.

 

 

God “Sick And Tired” Of National Day Of Prayer

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VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – After his normal Friday lunch with Pope Francis, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to discuss world events and crises with members of the international press corps. The deity expressed concern over ongoing problems in Ukraine, the Middle East, and David Cameron’s shocking reelection in Great Britain.

“I don’t know what the hell those people were thinking re-electing that two-faced Tory aristocrat,” said God. “You think they would’ve learned their lesson by now.”

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God said one thing he was taking seriously were the millions of requests he received yesterday to strike Sean Hannity deaf and dumb. “I really despise that dumb bastard,” said God.

When a reporter from Fox News asked the Creator and Ruler of the Universe what he thought was accomplished by America’s National Day of Prayer yesterday, God responded, “Not a damn thing as far as I can tell.”

“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of it,” said the Supreme Being. “It’s not enough that I have to field requests every damn day about Little Johnny’s toenail fungus and Aunt Lizzie’s sick chickens, not to mention the millions of teenage boys praying that they lose their virginity before graduation, and the gazillions of requests for cash I get on an hourly basis. No, you guys have to go and proclaim a special day where everybody stops what the hell they’re doing and bombards my ass with all kinds of ridiculous requests.”

“My advice to you talking monkeys is that you take advantage of millions of years of natural selection and use your huge brains to come up with some of your own solutions to your problems. In other words, if you want something done, then get off your ass and do it! I’m busy trying to run a universe here. I’ve got better things to do than listen to you sniveling cretins in sagging skin sacks. I mean, shit!”

God then apologized to reporters and explained that he had to leave because he was due in the Andromeda galaxy to supervise a planet-wide referendum on third trimester abortions by the Reptile People.

Pat Robertson Warns Viewers: “Upcoming Eclipse Is A Clear Sign From God”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.

The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.

For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.

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A constipated Reverend Robertson is seen here praying for America to repent so it can survive God’s wrath over renewable energy sources.

Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.

Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.

Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.

In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”

“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”

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The staff of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky have been instructed to tell visitors this week that eclipses never happened before the moon was created a mere 200 years ago.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”

Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”

During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.

As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”

God Receives High Praise For Planning And Execution Of NFC Championship Game

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Russell Wilson and other theologian-athletes on the victorious Seattle Seahawks football team gave God all the credit for their unlikely come-from-behind win against the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

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Wilson is another in a long line of moronic athletes who thinks that God gives a shit who scores a touchdown and when

“God is too good all the time,” said a tearful Wilson after the game.

It seems that the outcome was never really in doubt because God planned the entire game, play-by-play, from start to finish. Football apparently has a very big part to play in the deity’s ultimate scheme for the universe.

“I had wanted us to go out and dominate Green Bay from the very start,” said Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll, “but when I saw God’s alternative plan for the game, I said well, that makes more sense.”

God’s plan was for Seattle to look like an anemic bunch of high school players for most of the game, and he had Seahawks quarterback Wilson throw four interceptions. All this was apparently part of his master plan to make Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers think they had the game won, so when Seattle came back, it would be that much more heartbreaking.

“God really hates the Green Bay Packers,” said Coach Carroll. “Everybody knows that. I think it has something to do with Wisconsin re-electing that idiot Scott Walker.”

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God’s son Jesus Christ gave up a promising football career at Nazareth Technical College in order to roam around Palestine preaching. Now he thinks wandering around the desert was a complete waste of time.

When asked in the locker room after the game why God would let Green Bay do so well only to crush their hopes at the last-minute, Wilson told reporters, “Don’t be a doubting Thomas, you guys! Everyone knows that God is a sadist. Just read the Old Testament. I mean, this is the same dude that drowned all those Egyptians in the Red Sea and ordered the genocide of all those tribes that fucked with the Israelites.”

“The game went the way it did because that was God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so special, so rewarding,” said Wilson.

Jesus Christ, who was at the Vatican at the time chastising Pope Francis for his remarks regarding free speech, was asked by a reporter if his father really cared about football games.

“You know sometimes I wish I had come to earth as an elephant or a bottle-nosed dolphin,” said the Son of God. “At least that way I would have been a member of a sentient species. You talking monkeys really leave a lot to be desired in the intelligence department.”

 

Jesus Distances Himself From State Lawmakers

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ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly outside the Roma Convention Centre and Exhibition Hall to talk to reporters today regarding the irritating rash of “Religious Freedom Restoration” acts sweeping the country in recent weeks. It seems the Messiah is more than a little irritated with right-wing lawmakers in state houses across America.

“I’d just like to say that these so-called ‘religious freedom acts’ are no more than thinly veiled attempts by pseudo Christians to codify their bigotry and hatred into law,” said the Son of God. “If these people can’t serve homosexuals or gay couples in their various businesses because it offends their so-called ‘faith’, then that faith is not worth a hoot in Hell.”

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This year Jesus brought his Messiahraptor with him in order to avoid another terrible experience trying to hail a taxi in convention traffic

“These talking monkey politicians should be a little bit more interested in helping their fellow humans in any way they can rather than telling others who the hell they can sleep with and marry,” said the Prince of Peace. “If you cretins think that Dad and I sit up there and scrutinize every action you people take down here and worry about your damn sexual preferences, well then you’ve got another thing coming. We’ve got slightly better things to do. After all, we manage the entire universe for Heaven’s sake. Who the hell do you think we are, the NSA?”

“Let me make this clear for about the millionth time in 2000 years: I don’t like bigots, racists, homophobes, or assholes in general. I already have to take a fist full of antacids every day to get over the nausea caused by the actions you cretins take in my name. Please start behaving yourselves or prepare to suffer the consequences. I made a brief visit to Hell myself a while back, and believe me, Lucifer has plenty of room for all you miscreants!”

“Now you’ll have to excuse me because I’ve got to mosey on over to the Vatican so I can jerk a knot in Francis’ tail regarding the limits of free speech. You people just wear my ass out sometimes.”

The Lord of Light and Lamb of God was in town promoting the new Birkenstock line of “Wandering Zealot” sandals at the 2015 Saints and Prophets New Product Expo held annually at the Roma Convention Centre. He is expected to leave on Sunday after Mass, and as usual no one knows when he will be coming back.

 

Holy Trinity Goes On Crusade, Smites Infidels 3-1

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CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Barcelona reignited their title challenge on Sunday evening, as they produced a fine performance to secure a 3-1 victory over Atletico Madrid at the Nou Camp.

 

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Luis Suarez, patron saint of cannibals, scored the second goal and thus sealed the invading infidels’ fate.

In what was a typically physical encounter between two teams who have grown to loathe each other in recent times, the Prophet Neymar needed just 11 minutes to break the deadlock before Saint Suarez doubled the advantage soon after. Both were aided by the absolutely divine passing of Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi.

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The Messiah proved once again that he is the one true son of God by performing another series of miracles on the pitch.

 

The infidel Mario Mandzukic scored from the penalty spot after an official blasphemously charged the Messiah with an imaginary foul shortly after half-time to briefly bring the game back to life. However, the Prince of Pitch put a controversial week behind him in style as he rounded off an impressive individual display with a close-range finish that sealed the points.

 

 

The result means Barcelona are now just a point behind the unbelievers of Real Madrid at the top of the table, albeit having played a game more than their traditional rivals. Atletico remain three points further back.

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The Messiah’s miracles are not limited to the playing field, according to his companion Antonella Roccuzzo.

 

In a statement made from the Vatican, Pope Francis said that “this is yet another example of the power that the Lord our God has to smite our enemies and lead us down the road to eternal glory and eventual victory in La Liga.”

 

After the game eager fans were given the opportunity to show their appreciation by washing their Messiah’s blessed feet as he levitated 12 inches above the surface of the playing field. He then hit the showers and returned to his 50 million dollar temple on the outskirts of the city where he had a light dinner of escalivada before making sweet love to his smokin’ hot female companion, Antonella Roccuzzo.

Rubio Pledges To Stamp Out Progress “Wherever It Rears Its Ugly Head”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -At a hurriedly called press conference somewhere in the bowels of Cretonia earlier today, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), a Catholic, criticized Pope Francis after the pontiff played a key role in helping the United States and Cuba forge an agreement that resulted in the release of American Alan Gross from Cuba.

Rubio said he would “ask His Holiness to take up the cause of freedom and democracy.”

The pompous ass junior senator from Cretonia who intends to school His Holiness was speaking in response to the White House’s announcement about talks to normalize relations with Cuba after a nearly 50-year embargo with the country.

Marco Rubio (R-Buffoon):: Obstructionist Republican Clown

Rubio spoke to reporters while in route to his part-time job as a carnival clown at Disneyworld

The pope played a pivotal role through personal appeals to President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro to help the two countries forge an agreement for the release of Gross, Obama announced on Wednesday.

Rubio is set to play a major role in Cuba policy as the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations subcommittee on Western Affairs, and he noted Wednesday some of Congress’ leverage points, such as funding for embassies and nomination of a U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

“I’m committed to doing everything I can to unravel as many of these changes as possible,” Rubio said.

When asked just what the hell he was talking about, Rubio replied “As I have said many times before, I’m no scientist and usually have no fucking clue what I’m talking about, regardless of the subject. However, for decades now our policy concerning Cuba has been held hostage by a tiny minority living in and around Miami. I see no reason to make any changes to that policy at this time. Cuban ex pats and their offspring make up an important voting bloc for us Republicans, to say nothing of their generous donations to our campaigns. I’m certainly not going to let them down by agreeing to a policy that could be good for the U.S. and Cuba as well.”
Rubio continued, “As a Republican I am against all forms of progress and change, and I will do my best to stamp out any change I see in any policy regarding anything at all.”
When asked to clarify his comments regarding the Pope Rubio said “This Pope is far too compassionate and helpful to be an ally of the Republican Party. They really need to get someone with experience in that position.”