Governor Scott Calms Fears Of Nervous Floridians

 

TALLAHASSEE – Governor Rick Scott of Florida held a press conference this afternoon to assure his constituents that they would be protected from “storm vultures” in the aftermath of Irma, which is expected to give the entire peninsula a weather enema over the weekend.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god.

“I fought hard to prevent poor Floridians from obtaining life-saving health insurance when Obamacare was enacted, and by God I’m not going to let our citizens be taken advantage of by people coming in from out-of-state to do unlicensed repairs to homes or businesses!” said Scott, as he ate a late lunch of fried infant.

“Anyone coming into our great state with water, food, generators, battery-powered vibrators, or a skill set that might help and who doesn’t have the proper paperwork will be arrested and thrown in prison, unless they happen to be black, in which case they’ll be shot on sight.”

When asked how long the licensing process would take so the people of Florida could take advantage of the services of people from surrounding states, Scott bristled and his scales appeared to change color.

“As long as it takes to make sure we fuck up the less fortunate and the middle class,” said a clearly irritated Scott.

To his credit, Scott sacrificed dozens of migrant farm workers in an attempt to please the gods and change the track of the hurricane.

 

“I’m a Christian first and a Republican second, and that means money talks and bullshit walks. If anyone wants to make a sizable donation to one of my political action groups then we can talk. Otherwise he can file for the proper permits and wait until hell freezes over to sell goods and services to people who desperately want them.

“Fuck ’em!” screamed Scott, as his bare cranium began to sweat blood.

“People get the wrong impression about the GOP; we love government when it controls vaginas, black people, hard-working immigrants and people we don’t want to make money, so I’m telling anyone who wants to come in here from out-of-state to help and make a little cash in the process, think twice asshole!

 

“I’m the only one who is allowed to rip off innocent people in this state. Just ask the guys who prosecuted me for Medicare fraud.”

 

 

Governor Scott To View Eclipse From Top Of Pyramid In Blairsville, Georgia

 

TALLAHASSEE – Florida Governor Rick Scott will join Georgia Governor Nathan Deal and other prominent Republicans atop a recently constructed pyramid in the small north Georgia town of Blairsville, according to a statement released today by the Governor’s Office, confirming rumors swirling around Tallahassee in recent weeks.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of the Aztec Snake God Quetzalcoatl, which explains his complete lack of empathy and hostility towards the poor and minorities.

Although the purpose of the trip was not made clear in the statement an aide to Scott, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Tallahassee News Journal that Scott intends to sacrifice an illegal immigrant agricultural worker at the moment of total eclipse.

“As you know, Governor Scott is a direct descendant of the Aztec Snake God Quetzalcoatl, and it’s a tradition that during a total eclipse, a priest or holy man such as the Governor rips out the still-beating heart of a captive and presents it as an offering to the Sun God Huitzilopochtli in an effort to appease the angry deity,” said the nervous and sweating aide.

The aide went on to say that the recent disappearance of several migrant workers in and around the capital were victims of Scott’s practice sessions.

“He wants to make damn sure he gets this right, because he’s going ask Huitzilopochtli to smite the poor and minority residents of Florida so he won’t have to fucking worry about them anymore,” said the aide, who began to moan and chant in a dead language before collapsing to the floor.

 

North Korea Threatens Sea Of Japan With More Missile Strikes

 

SEOUL – At a press conference in Pyongyang this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un threatened the Sea of Japan with more missile strikes if the body of water continued to allow U.S., Japanese, and South Korean warships to travel freely over its surface.

“If this cooperation continues the water will know our wrath,” said an agitated Kim. “Our missiles are being fueled and will be ready to strike anywhere we deem necessary in response to this aquatic aggression.”

As of this afternoon the Sea of Japan has not publicly responded to the threat.

Earlier this month North Korea fired four of its new Long Schlong III missiles into the middle of the fucking ocean in a show of force meant to discourage the Sea of Japan from cooperating with its enemies. A fifth missile failed to launch and its crew was executed the next day.

As of this afternoon there has been no response to the threat from the Sea of Japan, but South Korean officials stated that they weren’t particularly worried about the ravings of “that fat ass cheese-eating manchild” currently in charge of the rogue state to their north.

“They can’t aim worth a shit,” said Admiral Um Hyun-Seong, Chief of Naval Operations. “They’re just as likely to hit the South China Sea or the fucking Arctic Ocean when they launch those things. Fuck ’em.”

 

Paul Ryan Losing Patience; Anxious To Start Killing Poor People

 

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly losing patience with members of Congress who want to put the brakes on his abominable plan to fuck as many poor people as possible by denying them health insurance.

“Speaker Ryan is really pissed about this new report by the CBO,” said a staffer on condition of anonymity. “He thinks it’s just going add ammunition to wimps within the Party who have reservations about stomping on the poor.”

Ryan’s staffer told Politico that during a meeting late last night the Speaker threw a temper tantrum and started screaming that poor people “deserved to die” and he wanted it to “start happening yesterday!”

“He acted like he was unhinged,” said the staffer. “He was picking up 40 lb dumbbells and hurling them around the office like they were paperweights. One female staffer was hit in the leg and she had to go to the emergency room. He was screaming ‘That’ll show you, you bitch! I hope you enrolled in our office plan! Next time move your ass out-of-the-way!’ as she was being removed from the office on a gurney.”

“I’m currently looking for alternative employment,” said the staffer. “I really don’t see much future with the Speaker in politics if he continues down this road.”

Politico is also reporting that Ryan has plans to become an evangelist if he loses in the next round of elections.

“That way I can fuck poor people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!” Ryan is reported to have said.

Latest Reports Reveal Russian Ambassador Showered Sessions With Gifts

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WASHINGTON – The Washington Post is reporting that after meetings with then Senator Jeff Sessions last summer, Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak showered the Trump surrogate with expensive gifts in an apparent attempt to curry favor with the Trump Campaign and potential 45th President of the United States.

According to the article in the Post, the gifts included but were not limited to an expensive top-of-the-line tricycle, a large jungle gym playset, an extra small Confederate uniform with a miniature battle flag, and a Shetland pony.

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According to the article in the Post, the gifts included an expensive tricycle and deluxe jungle gym for Sessions’ plantation in Alabama.

The article claims that Sessions did not report the gifts and should never have accepted them in the first place.

“If this is true Attorney General Sessions is in violation of senate rules,” said Johnny Isakson (R-GA), Chairman of the Senate Ethics Committee. “This is very serious.”

When reached for comment about the allegations, Attorney General Sessions denied that he had received any gifts from any Russian official, and had in fact never spoken to the Russian ambassador in his life.

“I wouldn’t recognize the Russian ambassador if I looked up at him from a foot away,” said the diminutive racist from Alabama.

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After Sessions denied the allegations made in the article, the Post published photographs of the Attorney General riding his new pony on a farm in Maryland.

“In fact, I’ve never spoken to anyone from Russia at all. I can’t even tell you where Russia is. I know Sarah Palin knows where it is; why don’t you go ask her about the Russian ambassador.”

Despite his denials, the Post is standing by its story, and released photographs of Sessions riding his new pony on a farm belonging to a Republican state senator from Maryland. There were also photos of the attorney general playing on his jungle gym with friends and riding his tricycle on the sidewalk outside a bar in Georgetown.

At a hurriedly called press conference this morning, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer called for Sessions to resign.

“I don’t care how much fun the Attorney General is having with his new toys,” said a visibly irritated Schumer, “it’s his duty as an American citizen to resign and return those gifts.”

So far there has been no response from the Trump Administration to the disturbing new revelations.

White House Press Secretary Sean Sphincter told reporters that the President was far too busy finalizing plans to nuke Pyongyang to worry about any fucking Shetland ponies.

 

CPAC Rejects Trickle-Down Theory of Sexuality

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WASHINGTON – So far it hasn’t been such a good week for slimy pedophile cretin, Clorox victim, and vile swamp thing Milo Yiannopoulos.

On Monday, the organizers of the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their invitation for him to be their keynote speaker at their annual hatefest taking place at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. Simon & Schuster said it was canceling publication of “Dangerous” after standing by him through weeks of criticism of the deal. And Breitbart itself was reportedly reconsidering his role amid calls online for it to sever ties with him.

The polemical Breitbart editor and unapologetic defender of the alt-right, tested the limits of how far his provocations could go after the publication of a video in which he condones sexual relations with boys as young as 13 and laughs off the seriousness of pedophilia by Roman Catholic priests.

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Mr. Schlapp told reporters that Mr. Yiannapoulos’ views regarding sex with minors were unacceptable, at least when they were voiced in public. Schlapp said that CPAC would seek a replacement speaker who was more in line with mainstream conservative values.

“We initially extended the invitation knowing that the free speech issue on college campuses is a battlefield where we need brave, conservative standard-bearers,” Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the American Conservative Union, said in a written statement. “Normally we are proud to have Nazis, fake Christians, and other deplorable motherfuckers speak to us at CPAC; it gets us horny and ready for a night on the town in some of D.C.’s best brothels.

“However, as cute as he is, Milo went a little too far this time. Having sex with underage boys and girls is fine with us as is other deviant behavior, as long as it’s kept secret. When you come out into the open about this stuff it can be problematic,” said the hypocritical asshole.

“I don’t want anyone to worry,” continued a profusely sweating Schlapp. “CPAC is proud to have had some of the most hypocritical ministers, sociopathic politicians, and other subhuman monsters of the right wing speak at our convention, and trust me, this year will be no exception.”

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that the ACU had reached out to Rocky Suhayda, leader of the American Nazi Party, and David Duke to see if either one of them could take Yiannopoulos’ place as keynote speaker.

As of noon today Yiannopoulos was unavailable for comment regarding his sudden fall from grace. Sources tell the Times-Picayune that he is on holiday with Ann Coulter torturing small animals in a wildlife preserve just across the Mexican border.