In the Spirit of the Season, Satan Offers Fox News Anchors Blanket Amnesty


Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, offered to pardon every Fox News anchor and pundit today if they solemnly swear to never mention Obamacare again. Each television personality would be granted immunity for all other sins and be given free passage to Heaven upon death, and the Prince of Darkness would give up all rights to their eternal souls.

It seems that Mephistopheles and his lieutenants have been driven to distraction by the incessant round-the-clock drumbeat of inane and preposterous criticism about Obamacare.

At a press conference on the banks of the River Styx, Hades Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told a gathering of reporters and other condemned souls that “His Majesty is simply fed up and has had enough. For millennia we have always been the ‘go-to’ guys for torment, agony, suffering and hopelessness. Now here come these upstarts on a television network trying to ‘horn-in’ on our turf!” Balthazar continued, “However, let it be known that there’s no ‘War on Christmas’ down here, and as vile as these creatures are, His Majesty is willing to give them a second chance. From pompous Bill O’Reilly to hysterical Megyn Kelly, they all have the opportunity to do what is right and shut the hell up about Obamacare.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, added, “We tried sending a ‘cease and desist’ order but it had no effect because Fox has no respect for the law. Apparently these people are so bent on denying health care to the poor that they will stop at nothing. I’ve never seen such a lack of compassion. It makes us look like a bunch of amateurs.”

Keres, hideous she-demon of violent death and disease, was also present at the press conference. “Look, I’m somewhat of an expert on health care. It’s my job to tear souls out of the dying, so I know what I’m talking about, and no health care system could be half as bad as what Greta Van Susteren describes on her show. And that idiot Sean Hannity, I’d rather rip my own head off rather than hear his vacuous arguments.”

Lord Balthazar emphasized that this was a one time deal and the agreements had to be signed by the end of the calendar year in order to be valid.

At the close of the presser Horkos was given a stack of Fed Ex envelopes and told by Balthazar to deliver the personalized contracts to each Fox anchor and pundit by the close of business today. No official word was given on what action Beelzebub will take if the agreements are rejected, but our sources in the Underworld tell us that as a last resort the Devil would offer Fox News employees lucrative positions in Purgatory tormenting the impure.

Boehner Comes Out Against ENDA

Speaker of the House John Boehner recently announced that he would block the Employment Non Discrimination Act, a law that would effectively end discrimination against gays, lesbians, and trans-gendered individuals in the workplace.

“We just cannot allow this bill to move forward,” Boehner said. “ENDA would cause an avalanche of frivolous lawsuits, potentially wrecking our fragile recovery, to say nothing of the moral implications. This is not a change in our position. The Party has a time-honored tradition of standing up against equality in the workplace for women and minorities. We are just being consistent.”

Although passed in the Senate, it is probable that the bill will not even come up for a vote in the Republican controlled House. “There has been a great deal of pressure put on us by the Tea Party, the Christian Right, and other kooks,” a Boehner aide said.

Tea Party representatives have vociferously opposed the bill on moral grounds, predicting a veritable collapse of traditional family values. “We just cannot allow our children to live and work in a world where gays and lesbians are treated like other normal humans. It’s just insane,” a Tea Party spokesman said.

Boehner closed a press conference on the subject this week by stating “We can’t take this threat to our morals and profit margins lying down. We do not intend to just bend over and take this abuse. The only threat we consider to be greater is the imminent collapse of western civilization that has been precipitated by Obamacare. “