Paul Ryan Losing Patience; Anxious To Start Killing Poor People


WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly losing patience with members of Congress who want to put the brakes on his abominable plan to fuck as many poor people as possible by denying them health insurance.

“Speaker Ryan is really pissed about this new report by the CBO,” said a staffer on condition of anonymity. “He thinks it’s just going add ammunition to wimps within the Party who have reservations about stomping on the poor.”

Ryan’s staffer told Politico that during a meeting late last night the Speaker threw a temper tantrum and started screaming that poor people “deserved to die” and he wanted it to “start happening yesterday!”

“He acted like he was unhinged,” said the staffer. “He was picking up 40 lb dumbbells and hurling them around the office like they were paperweights. One female staffer was hit in the leg and she had to go to the emergency room. He was screaming ‘That’ll show you, you bitch! I hope you enrolled in our office plan! Next time move your ass out-of-the-way!’ as she was being removed from the office on a gurney.”

“I’m currently looking for alternative employment,” said the staffer. “I really don’t see much future with the Speaker in politics if he continues down this road.”

Politico is also reporting that Ryan has plans to become an evangelist if he loses in the next round of elections.

“That way I can fuck poor people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!” Ryan is reported to have said.

Jesus Distances Himself From United States



PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.

“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”

“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read?  I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.

“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”


The Son of God and Zombie Savior had to cut the presser short because he had soccer practice

“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”

After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.

The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.

Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.

“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.


Ryan Still Hesitant To Endorse Giant Orange Turd For President



WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – House Speaker Paul D. Ryan said Wednesday he will not be rushed into an endorsement of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, tamping down speculation that he was moving toward a declaration of support.

“Look, I don’t have a timeline in my mind, and I have not made a decision,” Ryan (R-Wis.) told reporters summoned to his Capitol office suite. “Nothing has changed from that perspective, and we’re still having productive conversations as part of our agenda project.

“You have to remember that this is the first time in the history of the United States that any party has nominated a turd for president, much less an orange one.

“The Republican Party is brimming with scat of various shapes and sizes. Take the Freedom Caucus for example, it’s loaded with feces, and let’s not forget the elder coprolites who have retired from politics like Newt Gingrich, so we in the GOP know a thing or two about excrement. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around supporting a giant bipedal stool sample for president, that’s all.”


Ryan said that he was familiar with GOP turds that had run for president in the past such as Newt Gingrich, but this marked the first time that one had risen to the surface to become the nominee.

He added, “I think it’s important that we discuss the principles we all share in common and the policies that come from them and get a good understanding on those. And that’s the kind of conversations we’re having, as well as trying to teach the dumb son of bitch some basic civics.”

What has made Ryan’s hesitation so profound is the gravity of the issues on which he does not believe he and Trump are simpatico — issues like the constitutional limits on executive powers, which is a focus of the agenda project. “We want to make darn sure that that huge pile of orange poop understands, appreciates, respects and supports the Constitution and the kinds of principles that come with it, and those are some of the conversations we have been having,” he said.

Ryan was pressed on whether the House was preparing plans for the mass deportation of illegal immigrants — a key plank of Trump’s platform. Ryan, who opposes mass deportation and supports a path to legal status for the undocumented, noted that immigration is not part of the agenda project, but like any good Republican he wished there were no minorities in the United States at all, so he believes common ground can be reached.

Issues like trade and immigration that were cleaving the presidential field months ago were deliberately left out of the agenda project, in favor of issues where GOP unity is easier to find, like denying poor people health care, spending as much as possible on the military-industrial complex, and abolishing all regulations on anything other than abortion.

Ryan offered no definitive date as to when he would make a decision.

Republican Party To Unify Behind Exciting New Racist


WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Paul Ryan and Donald Trump released a joint statement today meant to signal their unity following a two-hour meeting on Capitol Hill.

The statement from the presumptive GOP presidential nominee and House Speaker said the two had a “great conversation” and that they were honest over their “few differences” during two hours of meetings on Thursday.

“We will be having additional discussions, but remain confident there’s a great opportunity to unify our party and win this fall, and we are totally committed to working together to achieve that goal,” the joint statement said.
It fell short of an endorsement of Trump by Ryan, who shocked many Republicans a week ago by saying he was not yet ready to get in line behind the man expected to clinch the GOP nomination in coming weeks.
“I’m not quite willing to endorse yet, but I’m sure we can reach some sort of agreement that will allow me to put my core principles aside and get behind this buffoon that the Republican base has decided will be our standard-bearer,” said a nervous looking Ryan.
“After all, what really matters is power.”
Senator Jeff Sessions of what is left of the State of Alabama agreed, saying “I’m excited to have a new and charismatic racist leading our party. He’s brought in hundreds of thousands of new bigots, misogynists and xenophobic kooks into our party, and with his help we can turn back the clock decades, maybe even a century. Together we can make sure no negro ever holds the office of president again. It’s an exciting time to be alive.”
As of this morning no new Republican leaders have endorsed Trump, but most pundits believe that it’s only a matter of time before most members of the GOP put aside their core beliefs, decency and common sense and rally behind the giant orange colon rodent for president.

House Republicans Propose “Leningrad Lunch” Program For Urban Youth This Summer


SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – In 2010, a federal pilot program was instituted to help feed underprivileged urban and rural kids during the summer months. The goal of the program has been to test alternative approaches to distribute aid when schools are not in session. The program has been operating from an initial appropriation of $85 million. Recently the White House asked for an additional $30 million to continue the effort, but a House bill proposed by a group of “compassionate conservatives” provides only $27 million for what’s described as an entirely new pilot program focused on rural areas only.

At a press conference last week, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) explained the change of emphasis to reporters.

“As you all know, the modern Republican Party is built on Christian values and an overarching concern and compassion for our least fortunate citizens, particularly minorities and children,” said Boehner.


Speaker Boehner was visibly upset as he announced the new “tough love” program. “It’s just too bad we have to starve these kids, but it’s for their own good!”

“We feel that poor urban black and Hispanic kids would be best served by some ‘tough love.’ Paul (Ryan) and I talked it over, and we decided that starving their little black and brown asses over the summer months would teach them some valuable lessons in self-sufficiency and allow them to ‘pull themselves up by the bootstraps’ and learn to make a living on their own without relying on government agencies for help.”

Representative Ryan (R-WI) concurred. “The Bible says: ‘Give a kid a McDonald’s fish sandwich and he is fed for a day, but teach him how to make a fish sandwich at McDonald’s and he will have a subsistence level income for the rest of his life.’ Now who can argue with that logic?”

Ryan continued, “We believe that the method used by the Germans at Leningrad is the best way to alter the tragic cycle of poverty in our inner cities. Instead of spending a bunch of hard-earned money trying to feed and clothe the unfortunates, we intend to starve them out of the cities and make them self-sufficient.”

When asked why poor rural kids would still be receiving the much-needed lunches during the summer months, Boehner replied “Well, all evidence to the contrary, we in the Republican Party are not a bunch of morons, you know. Our loyal base is out there in the countryside. It took us decades to convince poor white folks to vote against their financial interests and we sure as hell don’t want to risk  that voting bloc, not with elections coming up.”

Representative Ryan ended the presser by saying, “Look, we aren’t totally heartless. We intend on instituting another program called ‘Siege Supper’ for kids in depressed urban areas. Road kill, collected by their brothers and sisters out in the country, will be shipped in to the inner city so poor minority kids can learn the art of dressing and preparing possums, raccoons, and a variety of rodents that they can trap and eat right there at home. It will be an exercise in volunteerism and charity for the kids out in the middle of nowhere and serve as a valuable lesson in basic survival for the urban poor. It’ll be a win-win for everybody!”

It has not yet been announced when these programs will be put into action, but national guard troops in all fifty states have been ordered to go on alert as of June 1st.



Paul and Patty’s Excellent Adventure


The compromise budget deal worked out by Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senator Patty Murray (D-WA) cleared a key hurdle in the Senate yesterday and seems destined to win Congressional approval late this week. The vote was 67-33 in favor.

The plan overcame token resistance in the House last week by radical right Tea Partiers and various Jacobins on the left. The final tally was 332 in favor and 94 opposed, with 7 abstaining.

The two masterminds behind the bipartisan compromise held a press conference to celebrate the progress of the bill early this morning.

The press conference was held at a pub close to the Capitol called “The Dirty Politician”, where attendees dined on a brunch of lobster and caviar omelettes and enjoyed Don Perignon mimosas at taxpayer expense.

Representative Ryan boasted of the hard work put into the agreement: “Patty and I toiled tirelessly for several weeks in order to come up with this compromise, which in the end was a simple ‘you give 50% and I’ll give 50%’ proposition.” Ryan continued, “This agreement is absolutely the best thing we could come up with for the American people. While not everyone on our side will be happy with it, the plan safeguards important programs we have in place, such as the ‘War on Terror,’ the ‘War on Drugs,’ the ‘War on Gay Marriage,’ the ‘War on Science,’ and the all important ‘War on Obamacare,’ to name a few.”

Senator Murray agreed saying, “Yes, after all the grueling hours of debate we have really come up with a great plan that makes practically no one happy, but it does make government shutdowns less likely. I know some of our folks will be displeased, but at least we protected our key programs such as the ‘War on Poverty’, the ‘War on Traditional Marriage,’ and the critical ‘War on Christmas,’ among others.”

Although the budget deal does practically nothing to slow the growth of a crushing national debt and little to rein in runaway defense spending, leaders of both parties did not seem overly concerned. “We live in a very dangerous world, and we need to continue to spend more than the next 10 countries combined on defense. Otherwise how the hell are we going to continue to cause collateral damage around the world?” Ryan said.

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) added, as he stumbled past the podium, “Paul is right! The NSA for example, should get even more funding. The Orwellian programs we have allowed to blossom on our watch will be invaluable to future politicians looking to control an unruly public! Who is gonna spy on the American people if we don’t do it ourselves?”

Ryan and Murray took no questions from the press and the get-together slowly deteriorated into a love-in between politicians of both parties so common when someone even whispers the term “bipartisan.” Reporters, waiters, and bar-keeps alike were nauseated to the point of needing medical care.

As stated earlier, the budget bill should clear the Senate by the end of the week. President Obama is eager to sign the glorious document into law as soon as it is put on his desk, which no doubt will call for another bipartisan Woodstock-style love festival.