God Fucking With Haiti Again

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PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – As part of an ongoing jihad on the people of Haiti, God has sent powerful Hurricane Matthew to drown as many innocent people as possible and set up favorable conditions for outbreaks of typhus, dysentery, and mosquito-borne illnesses such as malaria, West Nile virus, yellow fever, Venezuelan equine encephalitis, and of course Zika.

Jehovah surrogate Pat Robertson told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that the Almighty Creator of the Universe also hoped that there would be extensive damage to an already decimated infrastructure followed by a shortage of food and potable water which would precipitate sporadic outbreaks of violence leading to even more deaths.

“The Good Lord was just not satisfied with the 2010 earthquake,” said a drooling Robertson, who is thought to be about 112 years old. “Sure, he murdered around 175,000 men, women, and children, but as he said at the time, he was ‘just getting started.'”

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Not satisfied with crushing to death over a hundred thousand innocent Haitian men, women, and children back in 2010, God has sent Hurricane Matthew to “really fuck up” the island nation.

Blitzer asked Robertson why God hated Haitians so much that he was willing to kill babies in their cribs and drain innocent people of their precious bodily fluids until they died horrible deaths while lying in their own filth.

“Well, Haitians are a bunch of voodoo-worshiping negroes,” responded Robertson, as his head lolled to the right. “God is not that fond of black folks to begin with, and when you throw in all that voodoo shit it really pisses him off.”

Robertson went on to explain that after Haiti was destroyed, the hurricane will proceed to Cuba, where it will kill a bunch of godless commies, and ultimately end up wreaking havoc in Vermont, because it’s the home of Bernie Sanders, who is a fucking socialist.

Robertson also said that Hurricane Matthew will be followed up by hurricanes Mark, Luke, and John which will meander all over the Caribbean wiping out a bunch of atheists, agnostics, and Presbyterians, because God always hated John Calvin and “that stupid predestination thing.”

According to Robertson after the hurricane season is over God plans on getting back to murdering more of those idol-worshiping Nepalese.

 

 

God Crushes 12 Schoolgirls To Death Because He Is An All Loving Deity Who Works In Mysterious Ways

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KABUL – (CT&P) -Twelve Afghan girls were crushed to death in a stampede of terrified pupils fleeing their school as a massive earthquake killed at least 300 people in Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan yesterday, Philip Sherwell, Asia Editor, Ali M Latifi in Kabul and Mohammad Zubair Khan in Islamabad report.

The death toll is expected to rise significantly as aid workers struggle to reach its epicenter in a remote region with poor communications in the Hindu Kush mountain range of north-eastern Afghanistan.

The tremor measured a 7.5 magnitude on the Richter scale, with its shock waves reaching as far away as the Indian capital New Delhi and unleashing panic in major Pakistani and Afghan cities.

The earthquake did, however, take place under a sparsely-populated region at an estimated depth of 130 miles, potentially limiting the number of casualties.

God offered no explanation for why he unleashed the killer quake and took the lives of hundreds of innocent people going about their daily routine. However, religious leaders in the United States postulate that he did it because the people who live in the region are filthy Muslims who don’t love Jesus.

Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club Show that God had his reasons for the mass slaughter, just like he has his reasons for letting three to five million children starve to death each year.

“We can’t be sure, but I’m betting that God is just fed up with a bunch of people who believe in the wrong holy book,” said Robertson, as his head lolled to one side and drool rolled down his chin.

“God works in mysterious and downright sadistic ways when it comes to those who don’t love Jesus. Just look at what he did to all those idol worshipers in Nepal and those voodoo freaks in Haiti. Those crazy Muslims better be glad all their daughters weren’t crushed to death or even drawn and quartered!

“No one likes to see innocent people turned into masses of protoplasmic jello, unless they’re gay of course, but it’s the price human beings have to pay when they don’t believe in the virgin birth or zombie Jesus.

“Like we always do here at the 700 Club we’re asking for donations to help the people of Afghanistan and Pakistan through this crisis. We plan on sending some barely functional highly indoctrinated white missionaries over there to tell these people just how fucked up their beliefs are. So, donate generously to our White Protestant Missionary Relief Fund so we can stop this from happening again.

Robertson guaranteed that at least 11% of all donations will go toward food and lodging for the dimwits slated to go to the region. The rest will be tied up in the purchase of racehorses and new timeshares for the 700 Club staff.

McDonald’s Ushers In The Apocalypse By Offering All-Day Breakfast

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OAK BROOK, IL – (CT&P) – Television evangelist and walking fossil Pat Robertson warned his viewers this morning that McDonald’s decision to offer its breakfast menu all day long is likely to precipitate the End Times.

“This decision, when combined with the upcoming blood moon, fulfills the ancient Biblical prophecies that warn of the Apocalypse,” said a trembling Robertson. “We’re all fucking doomed.”

The decision to offer breakfast all day means McDonald’s is embarking on its biggest operational change in years. All of its more than 14,300 U.S. restaurants will be effected.

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For years Robertson has blamed his chronic constipation on a three-per-day Filet-O-Fish habit.

The move to all-day breakfast, which McDonald’s has been testing since March and will start Oct. 6, was approved in a vote by franchisees last week and affirmed Tuesday by a franchisee leadership council, the company said.

The expansion marks the latest initiative under Chief Executive Steve Easterbrook, who took over on March 1 vowing to revamp the burger giant’s stale image and end a sales slump in the U.S. that began nearly three years ago.

McDonald’s customers for years have asked the company to sell breakfast items past the traditional 10:30 a.m. cutoff, but the challenges of cooking Egg McMuffins alongside Big Macs deterred the company. In an interview, McDonald’s USA President Mike Andres said it is the biggest strategic move the company has made since it rolled out its McCafe line of coffee and espresso drinks across the U.S. in 2009.

However, Robertson warned that CEO Easterbrook, despite his name, is really the demon Asag in disguise.

“Asag is well-known to cause all forms of illness, including food poisoning,” said Robertson, as he chugged his morning prune juice cocktail.

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McDonalds CEO Steve Easterbrook told CNN that the all day breakfast menu was a marketing decision and had nothing to do with precipitating hell on earth. “This is a decision meant to help our bottom line, and if it triggers the return of Jesus, well then I’m prepared to offer him free Egg McMuffins for the duration of the Last Days,” said Easterbrook.

“McDonald’s is making this change as the moon turns blood-red for the fourth time in 18 months, signaling the completion of the tetrad and doom for this planet. I hope that every God-fearing American will boycott McDonalds and swing by a Chick-fil-A drive-thru instead. Remember, God hates fags, and so does Chick-fil-A.”

Meanwhile at a press conference this morning Andres explained that offering an all day breakfast menu had nothing whatsoever to do with the Apocalypse.

“Pat Robertson is a fucking kook, and anyone who listens to him is an idiot,” said Andres. “Hell, I wish we could just go on TV and beg for money in the name of Jesus, but we don’t have a fucking tax exemption like that asshole.”

“This is the consumers’ idea. This is what they want us to do,” Mr. Andres said. “That’s why I think this could be the catalyst for our turnaround.”

 

In response to Andres remarks, Robertson told Fox News that “the man was possessed by Baal” and had no clue what he was talking about.

Obama Destroys Country Again

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – President Barack Obama will officially restore Denali as the name of North America’s tallest mountain today, siding with the state of Alaska in ending a 40-year battle over what to call a peak that has been known as Mount McKinley.

The historic change, coming at the beginning of a three-day presidential trip to Alaska, is a sign of how hard the White House will push during Obama’s remaining 16 months as president to ensure his fight to address climate change is part of his legacy.

Renaming the mountain, which has an elevation of more than 20,000 feet (6,100 meters), makes headlines for his climate quest while also creating goodwill in a state that has not been broadly supportive to the Democratic president.

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Pat Robertson emerged from a coma on his television show this morning to warn that God will not stand by and let a negro Muslim president rename our sacred mountains.

Obama is slated to tour a receding glacier and meet people in remote Arctic communities whose way of life is affected by rising ocean levels, creating images designed to build support for regulations to curb carbon emissions.

However, a large number of idiots around the country have decried the name change as part of Obama’s continuing attempts to leave the United States a burned-out wreck of its former self when he leaves office.

“This must be part of Jade Helm North,” said C. J. Grisham, idiot, blogger, and president of Open Carry Texas, an organization full of sexual insecure misfits.

“As white people who support the constitution, we can’t just stand by and let that negra Muslim cede our sovereignty to a bunch of Indians. It’s bad enough that he let’s in all those Mexican rapists and murderers. If someone doesn’t stop him, all Americans will have equal rights, and we can’t have that.”

Rush Limbaugh, idiot and formerly important conservative talk show host, told his audience on Friday that Obama was just pandering to the powerful “Injun lobby” in hopes of locking up the 2016 election for Joe Biden.

“It’s a power grab by the minorities that threaten our archaic and bigoted white power structure,” said Limbaugh. “We have to rise up and make sure that nothing ever changes in America. We stole the country fair and square, and we can call it whatever we like.”

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Ohio, known as the “Mother of Drunken Presidents,” boasts eight American presidents, including U.S. Grant, whose liquor bill almost bankrupted the country in 1876.

The dangerously unbalanced Reverend Pat Robertson, an idiot who has made millions preaching the gospel of the socialist crusader Jesus of Nazareth, told viewers of the 700 Club that Tropical Storm Erika was a warning to all Christians in America that if Obama renames Mt. McKinley it will precipitate the End Times.

“If we really want to insure the safety of the United States we should give Alaska to Israel, like the prophecy states in the Bible,” said Robertson, as his enormous head lolled uncontrollably from side to side. Robertson then asked his viewers to pray with him and make a donation to his “Feedsack Fund” for the care and maintenance of all his expensive race horses.

Many other idiots across the U.S. object to the renaming as well, but none more than in the State of Ohio, where a misguided loyalty to McKinley and its seven other presidents almost reaches the level of religious fervor.

“Our presidents were the best,” said Verne McButt, a short order cook and graduate of Ohio State’s School of Acorn Management. “Virginia ain’t got shit on us.”

Although protests by misguided idiots, bigoted assholes, and miscreant climate change deniers are sure to continue, they will more than likely have little effect on Obama, who arrived at the “fuck it” stage of his presidency months ago.

 

 

Angry Judeo-Christian Deity Levels Kathmandu

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KATHMANDU, NEPAL – (CT&P) – A majorly pissed off Jehovah visited his wrath upon Nepal on Saturday in the form of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake centered approximately 50 kilometers to the northwest of Kathmandu, the capital.

Over 4,000 pagans are known dead, and the toll continues to rise as volunteers continue to dig through the debris of the unbeliever’s homes and heathen temples. Over one million idolatrous children are said to have been affected by the vicious and unfeeling act of God.

A senior official in Gorkha district, the location of the earthquake’s epicenter, told the AP he had heard reports of 70% of the blasphemer’s houses being destroyed.

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God is said to have been “a little ticked off” that the Nepalese parliament declared Nepal a “secular country” in 2006 and allowed religions other than Christianity to flourish

“Things are really bad in the district, especially in remote mountain villages,” Udav Prashad Timalsin said. “There are apostates who are not getting food and shelter.”

In the capital, water is becoming scarce and there are fears that sinful children in particular could be at risk of disease. Even residents of some of the city’s Republican upper class neighborhoods are sleeping on carpets and mattresses outside their homes.

Aid flights are coming in rapidly and in fact Kathmandu airport is running out of parking bays, so many aircraft are having to wait before getting permission to land.

At the Pashupatinath temple, one of the city’s oldest and most famous shrines to evil, cremations have been taking place since the morning. As the death toll rises, the authorities are keen on disposing of the bodies as quickly as possible to prevent a health hazard.

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American pastors explained that if the pagan Nepalese had only repented and “walked with Jesus” maybe they wouldn’t be walking over a bunch of corpses now

Although seismologists have warned that a large quake was overdue in Nepal, American preachers were quick to jump in to explain that seismologists were scientists and therefore could not be trusted. They insist the earthquake had nothing at all to do with plate tectonics but was the direct result of the Nepalese adopting religious beliefs that differed from their own.

Pastor Tony Miano of California-based Unhinged Ministries said that God was tired of people not following the King James Bible to the letter and refusing to obey God’s instructions delivered by ex-cops and wealthy television evangelists. He tweeted that he hoped not a single pagan shrine would be rebuilt and the people of Nepal would repent and worship the “Baby Jesus” from now on.

“Those people with their wacked-out new age religion are an affront to God,” said Miano. “It’s no wonder that Jehovah got pissed off and flattened their cities. Those people are idol worshipers and they’re just downright evil. Especially the kids.”

Pat Robertson offered a more reasoned explanation for the widespread devastation and loss of life on his hit TV show The 700 Club. Robertson was asked by a caller “why God didn’t take out more of those unbelievers like he did them Haitians?”

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Pastor and unbalanced ex-cop Tony Miano explained to reporters that sometimes God kills in mysterious ways, and we shouldn’t question his judgement because he’s been wiping out cities and committing genocide for eons. “The people of Nepal should be damn grateful that the victims were merely crushed to death rather than being burned at the stake or boiled alive like they deserved,” he said.

Robertson explained that God killed a lot more Haitians because they had entered into a contract directly with Satan by practicing voodoo.

“Just sitting around meditating and making weird noises is not near as bad as sticking pins in dolls and wandering around covered in goat’s blood looking like a zombie,” said Robertson. “Our God is a just deity and he didn’t want to punish these uneducated sherpas as badly as he did those evil minions of Lucifer in Haiti. After all, God is love.”

The earthquake also wreaked havoc on Mount Everest where 18 climbers, including four Americans, were killed by an avalanche at Base Camp.

The Reverend Franklin “I used to do drugs and hang out but finally figured out that I could make big bucks preaching the Gospel” Graham told CNN that the deaths on Everest were a direct result of Americans placing adventure travel above staying home and supporting extreme right-wing politics.

“It’s just a tragedy that God had to take this extraordinary action, but maybe it will teach everyone a lesson,” said Graham. “Maybe people will come to their senses and devote their lives to preventing homosexuals from getting married and eliminating health insurance for the poor instead of running all over the world climbing mountains.”

Meanwhile in Nepal aid is pouring in from all over the planet as the area experiences multiple aftershocks. The death toll will no doubt continue to climb, but at least the rest of the world can take comfort from the fact that almost all of the victims were pagans destined to burn in the fires of Hell anyway.

 

 

 

Pat Robertson Warns Viewers: “Upcoming Eclipse Is A Clear Sign From God”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.

The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.

For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.

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A constipated Reverend Robertson is seen here praying for America to repent so it can survive God’s wrath over renewable energy sources.

Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.

Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.

Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.

In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”

“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”

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The staff of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky have been instructed to tell visitors this week that eclipses never happened before the moon was created a mere 200 years ago.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”

Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”

During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.

As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”

Charlie Hebdo Solidarity Signage Ignites Wave Of Protest Across Bible Belt

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As the world mourns the loss of 12 more innocents in the civilized world’s battle with a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist bipedal turds, the signage used by Parisians to show their solidarity with Charlie Hebdo ignited a firestorm of ignorance across the Bible Belt today.

Evangelical leaders across the United States but particularly in the southeast called for a ban on the use of Jesus’ name on placards and posters used by those wishing to stand up for liberty and freedom of speech in Europe.

charlie2“We just can’t stand by and watch as the Lord’s name is taken in vain,” said Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. “I am a great supporter of free speech as long as it agrees with whatever hatred I happen to spewing at the time, but this is taking it a little too far. Besides, them Mooslims aren’t all bad. They have a few good ideas, like executing homosexuals and keeping women in their place.”

Pat Robertson droned on and on during his 700 Club broadcast this morning about how the attack on Hebdo was a disgrace but using “Our Savior’s name” on posters was far worse. He warned his over 250 viewers that it would cause a new series of earthquakes and tidal waves in the Caribbean and elsewhere across the globe.

Perhaps the most interesting response came from Michele Bachmann, who ran to the nearest microphone to blame President Obama for both the attack and the signage. “This is a direct result of our socialist emperor Barack Obama not taking my advice to nuke Tehran over the Christmas holidays. Now, instead of having the Ten Commandments in every school and courthouse across America, we have those damn Frenchies carrying around blasphemous posters that say ‘Jesus Charlie!'”

When told about the reaction French President Francois Hollande said “I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes I curse my forefathers for ever helping those idiots gain their independence.”