Belgium Unable To Find Its Ass With Both Hands

Belgian soldiers patrol in central Brussels as police searched the area during a continued high level of security following the recent deadly Paris attacks

 

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Belgian security forces have been unable to locate Belgium’s ass despite days of searches and dozens of raids on likely targets throughout the country, according to Prime Minister Charles Michel.

“We know our ass is around here somewhere, but we just can’t find it,” said Michel at a press conference this morning.

“I want to assure the Belgian people and citizens of the world that this does not mean that Belgian security is lax or that our intelligence services are in any way incompetent. It’s just that we can’t seem to find anything that might lead us to the current location of our own ass.”

Despite offers from French and U.S. intelligence services to help Belgium find its ass, Prime Minister Michel insists that Belgium can do it on its own.

“We don’t need anyone poking around Belgium looking for our ass. We’re perfectly capable of finding it on our own,” said the exasperated PM.

Aerated Terrorist Wishes He Never Heard About Allah In The First Place

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PARIS – (CT&P) – Criminal mastermind and cheese-dicked cretin Abdelhamid Abaaoud told Wolf Blitzer on CNN this afternoon that if he knew what he knows now, he never would have become a terrorist in the first place.

“I wish I’d never heard of Allah, Muhammad, or all that other bullshit,” said Abaaoud, in between blood-curdling screams.

Blitzer reached Abaaoud by phone as he was enduring his first day of infinity in Hades.

Abaaoud, a dedicated member of ISIS, had expected 72 virgins in Paradise.

“Instead, I’m floating in this fucking lake of fire and having my flesh burned off over and over again,” groaned the filthy goat-fucking savage.

Police found Abaaoud’s body Wednesday in an apartment building in Saint-Denis, but it took some time to identify the 27-year-old using his fingerprints because very little of him was left. It was not clear how he died because portions of his limbs were blown off and he appeared to have been struck by about a million fucking bullets.

Three police officials have told The Associated Press that a woman who died in the same police raid Wednesday was Abaaoud’s cousin. One said the woman, Hasna Aitboulahcen, is believed to have detonated a suicide vest in the building after a brief conversation with police officers. It was not clear if she had any role in the attacks.

Ms Aitboulahcen, who was with Abaaoud in Hell during the phone interview with CNN, also regretted having in any way been associated with Islam.

“I could kick Abdelhamid’s well-done butt right about now,” she said. “That dickhead got me involved in all this shit to begin with. I expected a reward in Heaven and now I can’t even find my ass with both hands!”

Abaaoud is expected to finish up with orientation sometime this evening and will be looking forward to having a capsicum coated pineapple shoved up his ass every five minutes for the next week before descending deeper into the depths to receive some truly serious punishment.

Obama Vows To Increase War On ISIS To Three-Quarters Ass Level

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a briefing early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that President Obama was bowing to pressure from French President Francois Hollande by ramping up our efforts to destroy ISIS to the dreaded three-quarters ass level.

“The President has decided that we’ve been fucking around at the half-ass level long enough, and it’s time to really get tough with these bastards,” said Earnest.

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Putin did not appear impressed with President Obama’s promises to “get tough” on ISIS. The Russian president made his remarks while personally patrolling the borders of Chechnya looking for terrorists to torture.

Mr. Earnest said that the new level of engagement consisted of doing the same fucking thing we’ve been doing for over a year, just more of it.

“We’re really going to let them have it now,” he said.

Mr. Obama will be meeting with President Hollande at the White House next week where he will explain how his strategy of bombing empty buildings and ancient oil transport trucks is a sure-fire way to demoralize and destroy the 7th Century savages we’re up against.

When reached for comment on the new American war plan, Vladimir Putin merely chuckled and said, “Whatever.”

 

 

Secretary Of State John Kerry To Take Leave Of Absence

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest announced that John Kerry will be taking time off his duties as secretary of state so that he can be given a thorough psychological examination at McClean Hospital in Boston. After the examination Mr. Kerry will be closely observed by a team of mental health professionals for an undetermined period in order to ascertain just how unhinged the former senator from Massachusetts has become.

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Mr. Kerry reportedly attempted to recruit perennial French favorite Jerry Lewis to make the trip but was told by the 88 year old comedian that he was “out of his fucking mind.”

The action by the White House comes on the heels of Mr. Kerry’s visit to Paris where he attempted to make up for the lack of representation from the United States at the “free speech solidarity march” attended by millions in the streets of Paris last Sunday. Mr. Kerry was accompanied by singer/songwriter James Taylor, who sang “You’ve Got a Friend” to puzzled and confused French government officials and prominent citizens.

In a muddled and seemingly unending statement made before the trip, Mr. Kerry had told reporters in the United States that he wanted to give the French people a “big hug.”

The trip and mini-concert by Taylor has been criticized and mocked by almost every media outlet in the free world, and has given new fodder for the right-wing and the kooks over at Fox News to use against President Obama in their ongoing campaign to turn him into some sort of Antichrist.

 

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To make up for Lewis’ absence in Paris, Mr. Kerry appeared in costume and told a few jokes in an attempt to cheer up the French people

“The President would just like to make it clear that this whole James Taylor thing was Secretary Kerry’s doing,” said Earnest. “We had nothing to do with it. We have no clue what, if anything, was going on inside Mr. Kerry’s small mind when he decided to drag that dude out of whatever basement he was mouldering in. I never thought the guy was that good when he was in his prime, much less now.”

 

“As soon as Mr. Kerry is deemed to longer be a threat to himself or those around him he will be allowed to return to his duties,” continued Earnest. “We don’t want to have to go through the process of selecting a new secretary of state this late in the term. The folks over at McClean will give him top notch care and as many meds as he needs. Besides, no one is going to miss him for a few weeks anyway.”

 

Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.

 

In An Amazingly Stupid Statement, French President Tells Nation That Terrorist Acts “Have Nothing To Do With Muslim Religion”

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Paris (CT&P) – During an address to the nation earlier today, French President Francois Hollande told his countrymen that the actions of four filthy pig-dog Islamic fundamentalist nut jobs “had nothing to do with the Muslim religion.” Mr. Hollande made the statement with a straight face.

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Mr. Hollande’s sanity was quickly called into question shortly after he told his countrymen that the murders at Charlie Hebdo had nothing to do with Islam

The address to the nation was made shortly after French police and military units dispatched three of the terrorists in hail of gunfire and sent them on their journey to Hell.

Mr. Hollande was merely echoing the sentiments of heads of state and religious leaders around the world made over the past few days after 12 innocent people had their brains spilled on the floor of Charlie Hebdo, the satirical newspaper in Paris.

This high level of delusional behavior in our leaders has alarmed many experts in the field of mental health.

 

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At a press conference along the banks of the River Styx, Satan expressed his delight over the arrival of the scum-sucking Islamic pieces of shit

Dr. Frank Black, a psychoanalyst at the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey, told reporters that “These idiot politicians and pompous ass religious leaders started spouting all this bullshit about the “religion of peace” shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Hell, even George Bush said we were not at war with Islam. I think anyone who has been incinerated or disemboweled by a fucking suicide bomber or maniac with an AK-47 might disagree.”

“After all, these brainless cretins are not running around killing people screaming ‘Roll Tide or War Eagle, are they?” continued Black. “They’re yelling Allahu Akbar! Well, I’m here to tell you, God ain’t that great. I don’t see millions of Muslims lining up to mourn the employees of Charlie Hebdo. Hell, even the president of the Catholic League chastised the cartoonists! Until we human beings outgrow this obsession with living forever and following rules written by cave men, we are going to continue to murder each other in ever-growing numbers. Fuck!”

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Lucifer was so delighted over the arrival of the terrorist souls that he gave Pastor Fred Phelps the day off to greet them. Fred is seen here having a pineapple forced up his rectum by the demon Balthazar.

Although one terrorist apparently escaped capture even though she was surrounded by about a gazillion cops, Mr. Hollande told reporters that he was confident she would be captured. Hopefully this whore will also be torn apart by lead from fired from police machine guns. God forbid the French people have to pay for her food and lodging for the  rest of her natural life.

 

By the way, odds makers in Las Vegas will give you one chance in a million that the dirty, filthy bitch is not a Muslim.

 

Charlie Hebdo Solidarity Signage Ignites Wave Of Protest Across Bible Belt

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As the world mourns the loss of 12 more innocents in the civilized world’s battle with a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist bipedal turds, the signage used by Parisians to show their solidarity with Charlie Hebdo ignited a firestorm of ignorance across the Bible Belt today.

Evangelical leaders across the United States but particularly in the southeast called for a ban on the use of Jesus’ name on placards and posters used by those wishing to stand up for liberty and freedom of speech in Europe.

charlie2“We just can’t stand by and watch as the Lord’s name is taken in vain,” said Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. “I am a great supporter of free speech as long as it agrees with whatever hatred I happen to spewing at the time, but this is taking it a little too far. Besides, them Mooslims aren’t all bad. They have a few good ideas, like executing homosexuals and keeping women in their place.”

Pat Robertson droned on and on during his 700 Club broadcast this morning about how the attack on Hebdo was a disgrace but using “Our Savior’s name” on posters was far worse. He warned his over 250 viewers that it would cause a new series of earthquakes and tidal waves in the Caribbean and elsewhere across the globe.

Perhaps the most interesting response came from Michele Bachmann, who ran to the nearest microphone to blame President Obama for both the attack and the signage. “This is a direct result of our socialist emperor Barack Obama not taking my advice to nuke Tehran over the Christmas holidays. Now, instead of having the Ten Commandments in every school and courthouse across America, we have those damn Frenchies carrying around blasphemous posters that say ‘Jesus Charlie!'”

When told about the reaction French President Francois Hollande said “I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes I curse my forefathers for ever helping those idiots gain their independence.”