Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.

 

Jay Carney Narrowly Escapes Guillotine, Sentenced To Permanent Exile In Florida

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In a press release this morning, the White House announced that Jay Carney would receive a permanent stay of execution if he agreed to spend the rest of his natural life within the borders of the State of Florida. President Obama announced Carney’s resignation on Friday and told reporters that a change had been in the works since April, and that a decision would be made over the weekend concerning the fate of the long-suffering press secretary.

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Both Carney and Shinseki barely managed to avoid the fate that awaited so many scapegoats of past administrations

Sources close to Carney told our reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker on Saturday that Carney simply could not take the pressure anymore. “The incessant barrage of moronic questions about imaginary conspiracies finally got the best of him,” an official said, on the condition that he remain anonymous.

On Wednesday, Carney, General Erik Shinseki, and their families will be placed in a special sealed Amtrak train from D.C. to Jacksonville, Florida. The train has been dubbed the “Scapegoat Express,” and has been used by former administrations to get rid of troublesome bureaucrats, buxom secretaries that got too bossy, and other individuals that threatened to become embarrassments to various presidents and cabinet officials.

If they survive the journey on Amtrak, they are to be transferred from Jacksonville via Greyhound Bus to Panama City in the panhandle, a region ruled by county sheriffs, hoteliers, uneducated public officials, probation officers, and Bible-thumping rednecks.

Our anonymous source told “The Coyote” that “Carney should consider himself lucky. You never hear another word from most press secretaries that resign do you? That’s because they are shipped off to CIA ‘black sites’ and are ‘disappeared’ along with their loved ones.”

Another source told us that despite the cesspool of political backbiting and inertia that is  D.C. politics, “there is one place that the two parties can find common ground, and that’s blaming underlings for scandals and mistakes. When an individual accepts a political job it’s understood that ‘the buck’ stops well below the elected official, and lower level employees better fall on the sword or they risk life and liberty. Just look at Chris Christie if you need an example. He’s still in the mix because he took swift action to blame everyone but himself for that bridge fiasco.”

Sources say that both Carney and Shinseki will receive a small percentage of their retirement packages until they are able to find jobs at motels or fast food joints along the nearby coastline, practically the only source of income available to anyone who moves to the area.

 

Bay County Sheriff’s Department Holds Fundraiser For Officers Injured In The Line Of Duty While Using “Advanced Interrogation Techniques”

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Sheriff’s deputies competed in a variety of fun events such as the 100 meter freestyle

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Bay County Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Captain Arnold Porker

PANAMA CITY BEACH, FL-The annual fundraiser for Bay County deputies injured while beating or water-boarding teenage suspects was held yesterday at the new Panama City Beach Bovine and Even-Toed Ungulate Water Park. The new park is located on the beach just adjacent to the locally famous Fran’s Pig-N-Whistle barbecue restaurant. The event is held during spring break each year so that residents from other states can attend and be made aware of the problems that occur when teenagers fight back while being abused.

The event was sponsored this year by the Florida Chapter of the Patrolman’s Malevolent Association, the National Union of Bad Lieutenants, and the Dirty and Corrupt Politician’s League. Festivities began at 10 A.M. and lasted until well after dusk. “Run Through A Horse” brand draft beer was available as well as a variety soft drinks for the kids. Free snacks were provided by Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme.

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Deputy Cob R. Roller won the 200 meter ungulate butterfly stroke competition

Healthy deputies from Bay and surrounding counties participated in a variety of sports competitions to the absolute delight of the civilian crowd. Both water and land competitions were held over an eight-hour shift. Over $5000 was raised to help injured officers pay expensive hospital bills. The event is a godsend for officer’s families because injuries sustained in course of corrupt and illegal acts are not covered by the county or even by Obamacare.

Master of ceremonies for the event this year was none other than George Zimmerman. Mr. Zimmerman, out on bond from the latest string of petty crimes he committed last month, did an admirable job commentating on the various athletic competitions. Some said he did an even better job than Bob Costas at the Olympics.

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Deputy Billy Joe Stinker dominated the diving competition

“We really hit a home run this year,” said Captain Arnold Porker, spokesman for the department. “Most folks just don’t realize how dangerous it is to torture suspects, especially teenage males. One of our officers had his ear bitten off by an unruly spring breaker while he was holding him suspended off the eighth floor balcony of the Holiday Inn. Another almost drowned when he was water-boarding this cheerleader from Tennessee and her football player boyfriends came to her rescue. It’s a real jungle out there.”

Bay County Sheriff Buford T. Fatback presided over the event and pronounced it a great success. “I just want the public to know how much we appreciate you all chipping in to help our wounded swine. Without your help police brutality would be set back years, if not decades.”

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Members of the general public were thrilled to be allowed to jump in the Gulf of Mexico with some of the law enforcement officers. “I never knew cops could swim!” said Jenny Owens of Nashville.

Captain Porker told assembled reporters that the event will be even larger next year. “We intend to invite some of our unscrupulous and dishonorable colleagues from other states and from federal agencies such as the DEA, the ATF, and the CIA. We have already lined up some wealthy new sponsors such as the Bribable Judges Coalition and the Venal Prosecutor’s Guild. One day we hope to make this a national event and even have our own web page!”

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Romance was in the air as the sun set on yet another successful fundraiser for our hard-working Bay County cops

Bay County politicians are already in the process of using eminent domain laws, blackmail, and intimidation to seize properties adjacent to the park so that it can be expanded to accommodate the expected larger crowds in coming years.

CRETINS GONE WILD!

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PANAMA CITY BEACH-The annual spring migration of high energy, low IQ sex-crazed youthful imbeciles has begun. Gulf coast beaches are rapidly filling up with a veritable army of drunken teenagers flush with cash and poor judgement. The annual migration has been met with the usual schizophrenic response on the part of politicians, law enforcement, and business owners.

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The innovative mobile penitentiaries are equipped with comfortable seating and provide plenty of exposure to the burning rays of the sun for those cretins still working on their tans. The mini internment facilities will be placed in strategic positions near notorious spring break dens of iniquity such as The Spinnaker.

The businesses along the entire coast are dependent on tourism for their very existence. Politicians are dependent on donations from the people who run these businesses. Law enforcement being law enforcement, sees the annual influx as an invasion of their turf. They are already overworked trying to police an area so inundated by natives with barely enough sense to walk across the street without being squashed by a retiree from New Jersey or a snow bird from Canada. The annual “econundrum” of spring break has befuddled many a Cretonian politician and lawman over the last few decades.

This year however, Bay County Sheriff Bubba Polyps has come up with a novel solution to perennial problem of drunken and sex-crazed cretinous youth: mobile detention cages set up at strategic intervals along “The World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

The network of enclosures or “human corrals” is loosely based on the highly successful dog-pen style cells made famous by the Nazis and used by the federal government at Guantanamo Bay. After the law-breaking vacationers are captured by the forces of good, the offending parties are first blasted with fire hoses from various volunteer fire departments along the beach in order to remove any lingering beer, suntan oil, semen, or other excess bodily fluids. The unfortunate captives are then deloused using 1950’s vintage DDT powder leftover from Cold War civil defense stocks. After being segregated by sexual preference, the cretins are then placed in the paddocks until they sober up.

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Sheriff Polyps got the idea for the “human corrals” when he experienced an epiphany while watching news coverage of Guantanamo Bay. He stated, “If those dog cages can hold dangerous Mooslim terrorists for a decade without any charges being brought, well then, they ought to work for them unruly bastard kids from our neighboring states.”

After a “cooling off” period, during which the kids are subjected to the blazing rays of a melanoma-producing sun, the dangerous criminals are then transported via cattle movers to more permanent camps within the dark and mysterious interior of Cretonia. The camps are said to be located in the center of vast fetid swamps populated by alligators, venomous snakes, and black bear. After an appropriate period of time during which parents of the prisoners are kept in the dark about the location and condition of their miscreant offspring, officials from the county then will make offers for release as long as a bounty of between $500 to $5000, depending on the severity of the “crime,” is paid into a slush fund used to purchase drones, automatic weapons, and luxury automobiles to be used by the sheriff’s department. Local politicians are also authorized to dip into the fund in order to finance junkets to the nearby Ebro Dog Track. Those unfortunate detainees that do not come from wealthy families and do not pay the “fines” are likely to end up like many of the “students” at the infamous Florida School for Boys.

During one of Sheriff Polyps’ hundreds of self-serving television appearances he explained how he got the idea for the revolutionary new method of controlling the kids. “Well, I done got the idea from watching file footage of that all-inclusive resort where we keep them Mooslim terrorists down in Cuber. I thought to myself, here’s the solution to the problem of all them Yankee kids from Birmingham and Atlanta coming down here and runnin’ around drunk and half nekkid on our purty beaches. Hell, we got enough ugly ass folks down here in the first place! I just don’t see how they can stand to live up there. I got as far as Montgomery one time and had to turn around cause all the concrete just freaked me right out.”

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Any parents who do not pay the required bounty within a “reasonable period of time” are more than welcome to come down and visit their kid after spring break is over. A nominal visitation fee of $50 will be charged at the gate.

The new system of mobile miniature concentration camps is now in place and has been reaping great rewards. During the first weekend of operation, over 3500 teenage delinquents have been rounded up and imprisoned for such vile and heinous crimes as wearing wet tee shirts, failing to pay cover charge at The Spinnaker, and smiling and laughing too much. The county has managed to rake in over $10,000 in fines and bribes in this short period alone, and politicians all over Cretonia have proclaimed the new system a great success. Representatives from Walmart and The Dollar Store are currently meeting with government officials to coordinate plans for new “get out of detention” gift cards that will sold in stores nationwide so that anxious parents can purchase them to give to their kids before they depart for spring break festivities. The cards will imprinted with an artist’s depiction of a lugubrious skeletal prisoner staring out from behind a chain link fence with the caption, “I lost 30 lbs while vacationing on the Emerald Coast.”

Editor Acquires Awesome New Jacket With Numerous Pockets And Zippers

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SANTA ROSA BEACH-Cretonia Times-Picayune editor and all around wonderful guy Jerry Dickerson has acquired a cool new “Steep Tech” jacket from The North Face via the fabulous folks at Backcountry.com. During a phone interview with our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker, Mr. Dickerson said that he will use the jacket on his summit bid on Mount Mediocrity later this spring.

Mt. Mediocrity is the highest point in Cretonia, towering a full 95 meters (312 feet) above mean sea level. (For our readers in Florida we are not saying that the sea is malevolent or parsimonious. Mean sea level is a datum representing the average height of the ocean’s surface and is used as a reference point for determining land elevation.) The mountain is considered one of the most dangerous in the southeast. It has been compared to K2 in level of difficulty, but a more apt comparison would probably be Mt. Suribachi in February of 1945. The slopes of the peak are littered with the corpses of climbers dating back as far as the mid 50’s. The mountain is considered too hazardous for teams to be sent in to recover the remains.

Mt. Mediocrity is considered treacherous and life threatening because of a series of deadly obstacles that any climber must conquer on the way to the summit. Unlike on K2 there are no multi-ton seracs waiting to crash down upon your head. However, a series of man-made (or more accurately cretin-made) horrors await the intrepid climber and threaten to deprive him of life and limb.

The only viable route up the mountain is via its north face and it is fraught with peril. First, one must make it through a gauntlet of brain-washed high school kids who come to Florida from all over the country to spend their spring break waiting to ambush the unwary with “come to Jesus or you will roast in hell for eternity” religious tracts. This terrifying prospect is usually enough to dissuade most adventurers, but it is only the beginning.

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Florida State Senator Bubba McDim from Panama City is the current record-holder thanks to a lightning-fast three-week ascent of the dangerous peak

Once through the rabid teenage zealots, one must successfully negotiate the Lake County Sheriff’s Department Sniper Training Facility, which is located at the base of the massif. Deputies trying out for the coveted sniper positions within the department are known for their propensity to waste prodigious quantities of ammo firing wildly at anything that moves. This is because the officers are allowed to take home any meat they kill to serve for supper. The skeletons of deer, raccoons, possums, and even stray dogs and cats make the landscape look like something out of a horror flick.

Next the audacious climber must pick his way through an EPA Superfund site consisting of dozens of burned-out trailers that were once thriving meth-labs. Hikers who have ventured into this area by mistake have returned to civilization with running sores all over their bodies and scorched lungs caused by exposure to harsh chemicals.

But perhaps the most mortifying of all the hurdles one faces on the climb is the trip through the satellite graveyard of the nearby Florida School for Boys located near the summit. Here the restless souls of hundreds of delinquent teenage boys, murdered by their guards in bygone days, wander around seeking vengeance and some kind of justice for the maltreatment they experienced in life. The bones of the dead rest in elevated graves made of logs and branches similar to the structures encountered by Robert Redford in the movie Jeremiah Johnson. This is the area where most climbers come to grief.

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Senator McDim’s wife Bertha does not like Dickerson’s chances. “That smart-ass liberal son of a bitch don’t stand a chance of beatin’ my Bubba’s record. He must be dreamin’ if he thinks he can clumb up ‘ere ‘at quick!”

Mr. Dickerson plans to make the ascent in what would be a record time of three days. The present record holder, Florida State Senator Bubba McDim of Panama City, took three weeks to make it to the summit in the spring of 2009. Once there he celebrated by planting the Confederate battle flag as a protest against the “first Muslim negra president of the United States.” If he survives the ascent Mr. Dickerson plans on replacing the Confederate banner with a flag combining the Greenpeace and PETA insignia on a background of the old Soviet hammer and sickle logo.

“I bought the jacket to wear as a shell as I make my final summit push,” said Mr. Dickerson. It is specially designed to keep out powder and the thing has all sorts of neat pockets on it where I can store essentials like my cellphone, Marlboro’s, and the latest copies of the Huffpost and Daily Kos that I intend to print-out before departure.” (Just what kind of powder Mr. Dickerson is referring to he did not specify.)

Although the ascent is considered almost suicidal by most members of the climbing world, if Dickerson makes it to the summit he will have no problem descending. The entire south face of the peak has been converted into a giant water-slide and cheap amusement park featuring tooth-rotting cotton candy, lukewarm draft beer, and a never-ending stream of hideous overweight women participating in wet t-shirt contests. All our editor will have to do is strip down to his Speedo and slide back to what passes for civilization here in Cretonia.

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune wish him the best of luck.

Couple New To Florida Not Happy With Cretinous Neighbors

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DEAR MILLIE is a trademarked feature of The Cretonia Times-Picayune

DEAR MILLIE: My husband and I relocated to the Florida panhandle from Portland, Oregon about two years ago. The area is nice enough and the climate and Gulf views are just superb. However, the native population is highly unusual in a variety of ways. After we moved in we were warmly welcomed by our new neighbors and were invited to several parties, which we of course attended.

We noticed a variety of odd things going on with these folks from the beginning, such as massive consumption of the cheapest beer available, an obsession with NASCAR, and an inability of any of these folks to hold down a job anywhere but Walmart or the local dog track. Their idea of culture is a wet t-shirt contest outside a condemned mobile home. Almost every family in our neighborhood has at least one relative in prison or on probation. Most disturbing of all however, is the almost universal hatred of all minorities and President Obama in particular. They constantly refer to him as “that Muslim negra.”

All of this goes on despite the almost ubiquitous presence of churches in the area. There seems to be a church on every corner. They come in a bewildering array of sects and species but none deviate from the basic southern Baptist theme of “do and say what you want except for one hour each Sunday.” We have tried to fit in by gaining a great deal of weight and subjecting ourselves to repeated blows to the head in order to reduce our IQ’s, but we are still uncomfortable with the culture here.  We have even thrown a few parties of our own to try to “fit-in.” We always invite the whole neighborhood over for beer and snacks, but invariably the sheriff’s department has to visit. After the events we have to clean up syringes and used condoms from every nook and cranny in the house. We also notice more and more of our belongings missing and we’re not really sure if it’s our guests or the cops that are taking them. Millie, can you help us? Please weigh in!

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DEAR UNHAPPY: I’d love to weigh in. Firstly, you and your husband must have had some sort of mental defect already if you willingly moved from Portland into a quagmire of ignorance like Panama City. What’s up with that?

Secondly, better people than you and I have tried for decades to figure out what is wrong with Florida and its denizens. I am personally convinced that the mosquito-spray trucks down there are loaded with some type of nerve agent that stunts the growth of the prefrontal cortex and amygdala during early childhood development. This would explain some of the absolutely asinine behavior we see all across Greater Cretonia. Did you know that there is a yearly week-long debate in the Florida legislature over whether or not pet stores can dye Easter bunnies’ fur different colors? That’s of course just the tip of the iceberg.

Florida has long been a seething cauldron of vacuous imbecility in both politics and daily life. The culture there resembles some sort of malevolent vortex which sucks in every shred of intelligence and spits out archaic religious practices and preposterous governmental policies. My advice to you is to get the hell out of there while you can. If it is any consolation, the whole sordid mess will be covered with seawater in the not-to-distant future anyway. If you get out now you can at least save your investment. I hope this advice helps. Please don’t blow it.

Yours with sympathy,

MILLIE

Winter Storm Update: Scores Of Cretins Found Comatose As Meth Supply Dwindles Across The Southeast

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PANAMA CITY, FLORIDA-Government officials are becoming alarmed by the increasing number of citizens found sound asleep in their cars, on their lawns, and in a variety of public places around Greater Cretonia. It seems that the region’s drug users and suppliers are not immune to the paralyzing effects of Winter Storm Leon.sleep

The Bay County Sheriff’s department has reported at least 249 instances of residents found asleep in odd places in the last 24 hours alone. Thousands more have been sighted in rural areas around the southeast.

Sheriff’s department spokesman Billy Bob Scrotum spoke with CNN early this morning: “It’s crazy as hell out there. We’ve found folks asleep behind the wheel of their pickups, ATV’s, aluminum bass boats, and even on old Schwinn sleep5bicycles. We’ve found comatose junkies halfway out of their trailers and in their yards. We even found one dude curled up next to the pink flamingo beside his work shed. The neighbors said he kept asking it for a syringe before passing out. One girl fell asleep halfway from her car to the door of the CVS down on the corner of Robert E. Lee Avenue and Jeff Davis Memorial Parkway. Frankly we are at a loss for what to do here. We simply do not have enough cells to house all these nuts.” Deputy Scrotum was then called away to the site of the 6th exploding trailer of the morning.sleep2

CNN also interviewed Billy Wayne “Shakes” Snodgrass, a highly respected “chef” and founder of the ‘Two Men and a Meth Lab’ franchise so popular in rural America. “I want all of my loyal customers out there to know that help is on the way. We have set our carefully planned and organized Meth Relief Plan in motion. I have mobilized all of our dealers who own horses and mules and we will be making deliveries as soon as possible. I know the weather has made it impossible for all you amateurs to get to the drug store for supplies, but always remember we are there for you. Try to stay awake until we arrive and have your cash or stolen electronics ready. A special note for our female customers, I’m sorry but we just won’t have time to tradesleep3 powder for sex until the authorities get off their asses and clear the roads.”

Temperatures across Cretonia are expected to rise in the next few days which should make supply runs possible for suffering addicts. The only problem will be waking them up from deep comas as many of them have gone for several years without sleep of any kind.sleep6