‘Last Stop Burgers And Bullets’ Now Selling Franchises Around The Southeast

Shooting instructor Charles Vacca stands next to a 9-year-old girl at the Last Stop shooting range in White Hills

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Founder and CEO of Last Stop Burgers and Bullets, General Jack D. Ripper USAF (Ret), announced yesterday that the combo burger joint and machine gun firing range has sold its first franchise to a venture capital group in Atlanta, Georgia.

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General Ripper spoke to journalists by phone from his luxurious bunker located deep below the surface of the Nevada desert

“We are pleased to announce that Bad Idea Enterprises of Buckhead have bought the rights for three new locations with an option for three more,” said General Ripper. “We believe that our precious 2nd Amendment rights should be exercised by citizens of all ages, and our new franchises will be even more ‘kid friendly’ than our original location in White Hills.”

Arnold Schmuckenstein, CEO of Bad Idea, agrees: “We want to encourage children and old folks alike to visit our new facility just outside the entrance to Six Flags Over Georgia,” said Schmuckenstein. “We are adding some new attractions, like a quad .50 caliber machine gun mounted on a pickup truck and a vintage WWII Katyusha rocket launcher!”

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General Ripper demonstrated via video link one of Last Stand’s new attractions, a vintage Browning .30 caliber machine gun that has been modified for easy use by children as young a six years old

“We have special programs for children, so kids as young as two years old can play with fully automatic assault weapons loaded with rubber bullets,” Schmuckenstein said. “You really can’t start too early teaching kids about firearms. You never know when ISIS might be marching up Peachtree Street and we need to defend ourselves.”

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“You must be this tall to fire the RPG.” General Ripper emphasized that he had made extensive safety overhauls before selling the new franchises

Bad Idea also has gone out of its way to make firearms training available to the disabled.

“We have a community outreach program in which we will be providing free live fire sessions for the blind and those unfortunate individuals with advanced Parkinson’s Disease,” said Schmuckenstein.

“We are also producing 50,000 Cd’s and DVDs featuring recent exchanges of machine gun and rocket fire in the Gaza Strip that will be given free of charge to new moms so they can play them 24/7 in their infant’s nurseries. When my kid Kevin was just a baby I played recordings of creeping artillery barrages to him every night. You would not believe the calming effect it had on him. Now he hopes to pass the five-minute exam and become one of our first instructors.”

Although many have questioned the wisdom of expanding what has proved to be a highly dangerous enterprise, General Ripper told reporters he was not worried at all.

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Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre is also considering buying a Last Stand franchise for the D.C. area. “Kids deserve to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights just as much as we adults,” said LaPierre. “I mean honestly, what could go wrong?”

“Every business at one time or another suffers casualties. We had one unfortunate incident in which an instructor had his head blown off by a 9-year-old girl with an Uzi. These kind of industrial accidents happen all the time. It’s not fair to condemn a whole program just because of one little slip-up. I’m not saying there won’t be fatalities, but what I am saying is no more than 10 to 20 million killed, tops!”

The introduction of Last Stand into the Atlanta metro area has not gone unnoticed, however.

Founder and CEO of Waffle House Joe Rodgers spoke to Fox News’ Neal Cavuto yesterday and said, “We at Waffle House are not going to take this competition lying down. We intend to add firing ranges to all our locations around the country, so our drunken customers will have a safe area to blow off steam in the wee hours of the morning. We’ve had the corner on the unhealthy food/senseless gunshot wound market for years now and we won’t give it up without a fight!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NRA Advocates Open Carry Permits For The Blind And Mentally Deranged

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CJ “Buttplug” Grisham, president and CEO of Open Carry Texas, came out in favor of issuing gun permits to the blind, the mentally deranged, and people suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Although most Americans are no longer surprised by the idiotic policy positions taken by gun advocate groups such as the NRA, the public was somewhat taken aback this week when the powerful and apparently unhinged organization came out in favor of issuing “open carry” permits to blind people.

Earlier this week, a commentator for NRA News raised eyebrows with a video making the case for letting the blind and other inappropriate groups of people legally carry guns in public. Most Americans don’t agree, a new HuffPost/YouGov poll shows.

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Open Carry Texas has long advocated issuing open carry permits to psychotics and the criminally insane

In fact, only 23 percent of Americans said it should be legal for the blind to own guns at all, while 51 percent said it should be illegal. Democrats (62 percent to 12 percent) and independents (50 percent to 25 percent) were more likely to oppose allowing the blind to own guns.

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If the NRA gets its way, even Alzheimer’s patients will be issued permits to carry automatic weapons

Republicans, being Republicans, showed less wisdom on the issue and were fairly evenly split, with 33 percent in favor, 34 percent opposed and 33 percent not sure. Which begs the question, how can one not be sure whether a fucking blind person should be allowed to own a gun?

Even fewer Americans said the blind should be able to obtain permits to carry guns in public.

Only 16 percent said they support open-carry permits for the blind, while 66 percent said they were opposed. Seventy-seven percent of Democrats, and 63 percent of independents said they were against it. Even Republicans showed a modicum of common sense on the issue, with 55 percent saying they were against allowing the blind to carry guns outside the home.

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Creepy NRA Vice President Vincent “Price” Magillicuddy, who refuses to leave the safety of his underground bunker, wholeheartedly agrees with LaPierre’s proposals. Magillicuddy, who was a ventriloquist before serving a stint in an insane asylum in Great Britain, lives with his cancerous cat Toby and only communicates through a life-like doll named Simon.

However, what may be most disturbing to the sane members of the American public is that the video also called for the government to issue free open carry permits to mental patients, Alzheimer’s sufferers, teens, children and even toddlers, as long as they were white. The NRA seemed to draw a line at allowing infants, black people, Hispanics, or other minorities to own or carry guns.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told a gathering of reporters that “The only thing that insures the future of our fragile republic is advanced weaponry in the hands of ordinary citizens, and we don’t want to discriminate against any people we are not already discriminating against. Therefore we advocate issuing permits basically for anyone who has a pulse and is white.”

When a reporter told LaPierre that gun fatalities will surpass even automobile accidents as the number one cause of accidental death in America over the next few years, LaPierre said, “You don’t actually believe those statistics do you?”

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An NRA splinter group, Nuns With Guns, has pushed for open carry permits across the U.S. for over a decade now. It seems that pulling a rifle or assault weapon from under a habit takes “too damn much time.” Sally Field, spokesperson for the group, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “When confronted with someone who needs to meet Jesus in person, reaction time is critical.”

“Those misleading figures have been compiled by the same homosexual scientists that are part of the worldwide conspiracy to convince us that the climate is changing. Those cretins are out to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. It’s a travesty!”

Although the demands of the NRA will almost assuredly not be met on a national basis, the organization is optimistic that individual state governments will be stupid and foolhardy enough to go along. Iowa has already begun issuing gun permits to the blind, and states such as Texas and Georgia have embraced a “guns for anyone who can hold one in his demented hand” policy.

“We feel like that through a combination of well placed bribes, political pressure, and out and out blackmail, we can pressure weak minded Tea Party states into accepting our absurd and dangerous proposals,” said LaPierre.

On a related note, Walmart announced that it has bought over five million Kevlar vests from China that will be on sale soon at discounted prices throughout the southeast.