Obama Destroys Country Again

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – President Barack Obama will officially restore Denali as the name of North America’s tallest mountain today, siding with the state of Alaska in ending a 40-year battle over what to call a peak that has been known as Mount McKinley.

The historic change, coming at the beginning of a three-day presidential trip to Alaska, is a sign of how hard the White House will push during Obama’s remaining 16 months as president to ensure his fight to address climate change is part of his legacy.

Renaming the mountain, which has an elevation of more than 20,000 feet (6,100 meters), makes headlines for his climate quest while also creating goodwill in a state that has not been broadly supportive to the Democratic president.

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Pat Robertson emerged from a coma on his television show this morning to warn that God will not stand by and let a negro Muslim president rename our sacred mountains.

Obama is slated to tour a receding glacier and meet people in remote Arctic communities whose way of life is affected by rising ocean levels, creating images designed to build support for regulations to curb carbon emissions.

However, a large number of idiots around the country have decried the name change as part of Obama’s continuing attempts to leave the United States a burned-out wreck of its former self when he leaves office.

“This must be part of Jade Helm North,” said C. J. Grisham, idiot, blogger, and president of Open Carry Texas, an organization full of sexual insecure misfits.

“As white people who support the constitution, we can’t just stand by and let that negra Muslim cede our sovereignty to a bunch of Indians. It’s bad enough that he let’s in all those Mexican rapists and murderers. If someone doesn’t stop him, all Americans will have equal rights, and we can’t have that.”

Rush Limbaugh, idiot and formerly important conservative talk show host, told his audience on Friday that Obama was just pandering to the powerful “Injun lobby” in hopes of locking up the 2016 election for Joe Biden.

“It’s a power grab by the minorities that threaten our archaic and bigoted white power structure,” said Limbaugh. “We have to rise up and make sure that nothing ever changes in America. We stole the country fair and square, and we can call it whatever we like.”

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Ohio, known as the “Mother of Drunken Presidents,” boasts eight American presidents, including U.S. Grant, whose liquor bill almost bankrupted the country in 1876.

The dangerously unbalanced Reverend Pat Robertson, an idiot who has made millions preaching the gospel of the socialist crusader Jesus of Nazareth, told viewers of the 700 Club that Tropical Storm Erika was a warning to all Christians in America that if Obama renames Mt. McKinley it will precipitate the End Times.

“If we really want to insure the safety of the United States we should give Alaska to Israel, like the prophecy states in the Bible,” said Robertson, as his enormous head lolled uncontrollably from side to side. Robertson then asked his viewers to pray with him and make a donation to his “Feedsack Fund” for the care and maintenance of all his expensive race horses.

Many other idiots across the U.S. object to the renaming as well, but none more than in the State of Ohio, where a misguided loyalty to McKinley and its seven other presidents almost reaches the level of religious fervor.

“Our presidents were the best,” said Verne McButt, a short order cook and graduate of Ohio State’s School of Acorn Management. “Virginia ain’t got shit on us.”

Although protests by misguided idiots, bigoted assholes, and miscreant climate change deniers are sure to continue, they will more than likely have little effect on Obama, who arrived at the “fuck it” stage of his presidency months ago.

 

 

Anti Vaxxers Choose New Convention Site

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A statement released this morning from the Criminally Negligent Parents Association announced that the annual Anti-Vaccination Convention and Voodoo Science Expo will be moved to Petersburg, Kentucky this year. The group was forced to find a new site for the event when it became apparent that the original choice, Disneyland, had become too dangerous to visit.

The anti-vaxxers will join the Dumb Ass Conspiracy Theorist’s League, the Climate Change Denier’s Guild, and the Open Carry Accidental Gunshot Wound Alliance at the Creation Museum in mid September in one big celebration of ignorance. The American Family Association has also changed the dates of its annual “Jesus Hates Fags” Homosexual Hatefest and Chili Cookoff to coincide with the event.

“We thought that combining our convention with those of like-minded organizations just made economic sense, and as far as we have been able to determine, the measles outbreak currently ravaging the west coast has not yet spread to the backwoods of Kentucky, so it should be safe,” said Jenny McCarthy, spokesperson for the organization of twits.

“The Creation Museum was the perfect choice,” said Glenn Beck, keynote speaker for the event. “Ken Ham has built a veritable altar to ignorance there in Petersburg. He, like me, has managed to build a profitable career on the utter ignorance of the American public.”

Turd McPherson, president of the Climate Change Denier’s Club, agreed. “Ken has done a great job building a child-friendly environment that erases 300 years of scientific progress. He’s gone to great lengths to replace it with superstitious nonsense out of a book written before we knew our ass from a hole in the ground.”

“We all know that the Bible says we can’t change the climate, just like we all know that Noah put giant dinosaurs on a lifeboat along with every other species of animal on the planet. It’s just common sense. Science is the real enemy in the modern world, and we have to fight it tooth and nail,” said McPherson.

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Federal authorities insisted that the convention be delayed until September so they could be ready for anything from Ebola to mass hysteria. “We just don’t know what to expect from this potentially toxic concentration of idiocy,” said Director of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson

The convention, which was originally scheduled for June, had to be delayed because federal authorities insisted on the erection of a giant electric fence encircling the museum and the entire city of Petersburg.

“We can’t take the risk that any pathogens might escape,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. “We’re coordinating with Homeland Security and FEMA in order to reduce the chance that we might have some sort of plague outbreak that could harm the citizens of our country who actually have functioning forebrains.”

“This combined convention will be the largest concentration of dolts, cretins, morons, and dunderheads in one location that the nation has seen since the 2010 National Tea Party Convention in Dimbulb, Texas,” said FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate. “We have to be prepared for the worst.”

‘Open Carry’ Sequel To Be Published In Time For Christmas

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The much-anticipated sequel to the literary classic My Parents Open Carry will be on bookshelves and available on Amazon in time for Christmas, said a spokesperson from Right Wing Kook Publications, Ltd., of Toxic Springs, Texas.

The sequel, My Parents Open Carry Vials of Militarized Anthrax Powder and Other Biological Weapons is expected to outsell the original Open Carry masterpiece, now that cretins all over the country are aware of the need to explain to their children just how demented Mommy and Daddy are.

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The success of the Arabic translation of ‘My Parents Open Carry’ has prompted the publishers to release a sequel in the Middle East titled ‘My Parents Open Carry Suicide Vests’

The Open Carry series is designed to help kids explain the nutty behavior of their parents to other kids in their age group,” said Ethyl “The Frog” LeCarre, an editor at Right Wing Kook. “Kids have always been embarrassed by their parent’s actions even in normal times, but in the desperate times in which we now live, we have to go out of our way to explain to them why their parents are acting like complete fools.”

“The Obama/U.N. conspiracy to take away our guns, the immigration disaster, Obamacare, the war on Christmas, the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all our bodily fluids; all these crises make it necessary for kids to be told at an early age that their insecure and unstable parents might act in a way that could be interpreted as criminally insane. They need to be able to defend Mom and Dad’s actions to kids who have more enlightened parents that actually graduated from high school,” said LeCarre.

The authors of the hit Open Carry books, Brian Jeffs and Nathan Nephew, told reporters that they plan to publish a third in the series titled My Parents Open Carry Tactical Nuclear Weapons sometime this spring.

 

NRA Advocates Open Carry Permits For The Blind And Mentally Deranged

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CJ “Buttplug” Grisham, president and CEO of Open Carry Texas, came out in favor of issuing gun permits to the blind, the mentally deranged, and people suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Although most Americans are no longer surprised by the idiotic policy positions taken by gun advocate groups such as the NRA, the public was somewhat taken aback this week when the powerful and apparently unhinged organization came out in favor of issuing “open carry” permits to blind people.

Earlier this week, a commentator for NRA News raised eyebrows with a video making the case for letting the blind and other inappropriate groups of people legally carry guns in public. Most Americans don’t agree, a new HuffPost/YouGov poll shows.

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Open Carry Texas has long advocated issuing open carry permits to psychotics and the criminally insane

In fact, only 23 percent of Americans said it should be legal for the blind to own guns at all, while 51 percent said it should be illegal. Democrats (62 percent to 12 percent) and independents (50 percent to 25 percent) were more likely to oppose allowing the blind to own guns.

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If the NRA gets its way, even Alzheimer’s patients will be issued permits to carry automatic weapons

Republicans, being Republicans, showed less wisdom on the issue and were fairly evenly split, with 33 percent in favor, 34 percent opposed and 33 percent not sure. Which begs the question, how can one not be sure whether a fucking blind person should be allowed to own a gun?

Even fewer Americans said the blind should be able to obtain permits to carry guns in public.

Only 16 percent said they support open-carry permits for the blind, while 66 percent said they were opposed. Seventy-seven percent of Democrats, and 63 percent of independents said they were against it. Even Republicans showed a modicum of common sense on the issue, with 55 percent saying they were against allowing the blind to carry guns outside the home.

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Creepy NRA Vice President Vincent “Price” Magillicuddy, who refuses to leave the safety of his underground bunker, wholeheartedly agrees with LaPierre’s proposals. Magillicuddy, who was a ventriloquist before serving a stint in an insane asylum in Great Britain, lives with his cancerous cat Toby and only communicates through a life-like doll named Simon.

However, what may be most disturbing to the sane members of the American public is that the video also called for the government to issue free open carry permits to mental patients, Alzheimer’s sufferers, teens, children and even toddlers, as long as they were white. The NRA seemed to draw a line at allowing infants, black people, Hispanics, or other minorities to own or carry guns.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told a gathering of reporters that “The only thing that insures the future of our fragile republic is advanced weaponry in the hands of ordinary citizens, and we don’t want to discriminate against any people we are not already discriminating against. Therefore we advocate issuing permits basically for anyone who has a pulse and is white.”

When a reporter told LaPierre that gun fatalities will surpass even automobile accidents as the number one cause of accidental death in America over the next few years, LaPierre said, “You don’t actually believe those statistics do you?”

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An NRA splinter group, Nuns With Guns, has pushed for open carry permits across the U.S. for over a decade now. It seems that pulling a rifle or assault weapon from under a habit takes “too damn much time.” Sally Field, spokesperson for the group, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “When confronted with someone who needs to meet Jesus in person, reaction time is critical.”

“Those misleading figures have been compiled by the same homosexual scientists that are part of the worldwide conspiracy to convince us that the climate is changing. Those cretins are out to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. It’s a travesty!”

Although the demands of the NRA will almost assuredly not be met on a national basis, the organization is optimistic that individual state governments will be stupid and foolhardy enough to go along. Iowa has already begun issuing gun permits to the blind, and states such as Texas and Georgia have embraced a “guns for anyone who can hold one in his demented hand” policy.

“We feel like that through a combination of well placed bribes, political pressure, and out and out blackmail, we can pressure weak minded Tea Party states into accepting our absurd and dangerous proposals,” said LaPierre.

On a related note, Walmart announced that it has bought over five million Kevlar vests from China that will be on sale soon at discounted prices throughout the southeast.

 

 

FAA Bans Flights Into Houston After Open Carry Texas Takes Delivery On Russian Buk Missile System

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After passing through customs in New Orleans, the few members of the organization who had valid licenses took turns driving the vehicle to the Texas Gulf Coast where it was test fired

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The FAA has banned all flights into and out of Houston’s Hobby and Bush Intercontinental Airports, citing the presence of dangerous Russian-made anti-aircraft missile batteries in the general area.

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The president of Open Carry Texas, C. J. “Small Schlong” Grisham, (seen here relaxing in his bunker) told Fox News that the new missile system would not be used until the outbreak of the inevitable race war in America, or if it became apparent that refugee kids were catching flights into the U.S. via Mexico City.

The airspace in Houston extending out up to 100 miles was closed yesterday after authorities were informed that the pro 2nd Amendment group “Open Carry Texas,” better known to the rest of the country as “A Confederacy of Dunces,” had acquired a Russian army surplus Buk missile system and it had been driven to the nearby Gulf Coast for “testing and training.”

“We’ve all seen what one of these missile systems can do when in the hands of a bunch of drunken Russian rednecks,” said a spokesman for the FAA. “We see no reason to believe that the outcome would be any different when the system is manned by a bunch of our very own drunken rednecks. We decided to err on the side of caution, and we apologize for any inconvenience to air travelers,” said the spokesman.

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A crack team of professionals from Open Carry are testing and training on the new air-defense system

During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show, the president of Open Carry Texas, C.J. “Small Schlong” Grisham protested that Open Carry Texas was a peaceful organization dedicated to the “exercise and protection of our 2nd Amendment rights, rights that are in danger of being revoked by the Obama administration and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through the heinous use of flouride in our nation’s water supply.”

“It’s only a matter of time before we see foreigners in blue helmets marching up Pennsylvania Avenue,” said Grisham, as he chugged a glass of refreshing rainwater and pure grain alcohol.

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The team of simpletons from Open Carry conducted tests of the system on a public beach packed with vacationing families

Testing of the new system went ahead without the benefit of a team of Russian instructors sent by the Putin administration. The Russian advisers, who had the formidable task of training a bunch of borderline imbeciles to operate an advanced air-defense system, were detained after trashing a bar at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

The Russian team apparently got out of control after imbibing an entire case of Don Cossack Vodka.

“Them Russkies sure know how to party!” said Daisy Airhead, a barmaid at the Drunken Bull Cattle Company on the international concourse. “They was taking off their shirts and doing some kinda crazy dance on top of the bar and all the tables. They was jumpin’ up and down like Messican jumpin’ beans! One of them promised to marry me after they get out of jail. I can’t wait!”

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Minuteman founder Jim “Shrunken Sack” Gilchrist is a strong supporter of the patriots at Open Carry and has offered his support for more arms acquisitions

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Rosie “Hepatitis C” Gilchrist, Jim’s sister, is engaged to be married to Open Carry’s Grisham

After an arduous journey from New Orleans, the launcher was set up on a beach near Galveston Island and the completely ignorant and untrained personnel from Open Carry launched a few missiles “just for fun.”

The first missile took out a flight of endangered pelicans in route to nesting grounds further up the coast. Grisham justified the murder of the birds to Sean Hannity by saying, “Those pelicans were in fact cartel drug mules transporting heroin across the border in the pouches attached to their lower mandibles.”

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Activities at the much-anticipated convention in Dallas will include mock lynchings and a gala barbecue and horseshoe contest on the “Grassy Knoll”

The gullible Hannity accepted the explanation but required clarification as to exactly what a “mandible” was.

The second missile loosed by the team of schmucks zoomed over the Gulf in an erratic flight that ended with a detonation over a British Petroleum oil platform, which was set ablaze.

A third missile misfired at first but then careened wildly down the beach taking out several vacationing families before exploding in a barbecue and salt-water taffy stand, causing massive loss of life.

The crack missile team lost one member when he was incinerated while urinating behind the vehicle during the launch sequence.

Although initial testing of their new toy has not turned out exactly as planned, Open Carry Texas hopes that the vehicle will be fully operational for this fall’s Conspiracy Theory Convention held annually at the Dallas Book Depository.

“We really look forward to displaying our extreme sexual insecurity and paranoid delusions at the upcoming national conference in Dallas,” said Grisham. We really want to show the rest of the country what patriotism and love of God and country is all about.”

When asked about the situation in Houston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre only shook his head, rolled his eyes, and slowly walked away from reporters while staring at the ground.