Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin To Hold Seance In Order To Interpret State Constitution

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OKLAHOMA CITY – (CT&P) – Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin (R-of course) has contacted several well-known mediums in an attempt to set up a séance so that she, members of her staff, and key lawmakers can figure out just what the writers of the Oklahoma state constitution meant when they said there should be a separation of church and state.

The action was prompted by last week’s Oklahoma Supreme Court decision mandating the removal of a monument bearing the Ten Commandments from capitol grounds. The 7-2 decision clearly stated that the government should refrain from privileging one religion over others on public property.

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Fallin has obtained the services of the popular medium Edgar Cayce III, great-grandson of the famous early twentieth century psychic, who bore a striking resemblance to Robert McCrary of Clemson University fame.

The judges insisted that the Ten Commandments were clearly uniquely special to a select few faiths, and thus shouldn’t be taking up space on public grounds.

“The Ten Commandments are obviously religious in nature and are an integral part of the Jewish and Christian faiths,” the ruling read.

However, Governor Fallin, who has absolutely no clue how to read a 9th grade history textbook much less interpret a state constitution, has ordered that the monument remain in place until the original framers of the document can be contacted and queried on the subject.

“I think the judges got it wrong here and I think that it’s only fair that we contact the original framers so we can ask them just what the fuck they meant when they said that ‘No public money or property shall ever be appropriated, applied, donated, or used, directly or indirectly, for the use, benefit, or support of any sect, church, denomination, or system of religion, or for the use, benefit, or support of any priest, preacher, minister, or other religious teacher or dignitary, or sectarian institution as such,'” said Fallin.

“I mean, I can’t begin to understand all that crazy legalese, can you?”

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Christians from all over Oklahoma have converged on the capital to form a human wall around the monument to prevent it from being removed.

The governor first wants to contact the president of the 1907 Constitutional Convention William H. Murray and then his secretary John McClain Young. Governor Fallin is not in the least deterred by the fact that both men have been dead for decades.

“If these mediums are worth a shit, we’ll get in touch with these guys and get to the bottom of this,” said Fallin, who usually abides by court decisions when they agree with her faith. “We won’t let Oklahoma be turned into a vast wasteland like the rest of America just because a few judges tell us it’s the right thing to do.”

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If the séance fails, Governor Fallin plans to seek the services of Dr. Tyrone Biggums, a witch doctor from Zambia who specializes in constitutional law.

Fallin told CNN that if the mediums fail to make contact she has a backup plan to call in a witch doctor from Zambia to interpret the more complicated sections of the document so everyone would be clear on its meaning.

Fallin said she wanted the controversy put to bed once and for all so that Oklahoma could support Christianity at the expense of all other religions, which she considers blasphemous contracts with Satan.

The statue, which was erected in 2012, has stoked controversy since its inception. When initial efforts to remove it proved unsuccessful a man damaged the statue by slamming into it with a car, claiming that Satan told him to destroy it and urinate on the broken remains. Despite protests, the foul-smelling,  urine-stained billboard for Moses was patched back together and re-erected.

Lucien Greaves, leader of the Satanic Temple, told CNN that depending on the outcome of the seance his group may go ahead with plans to erect a sculpture of a Baphomet, a goat-headed deity often used to represent Satan, on statehouse grounds. The group — which is more closely tied to secular humanism than religious Satanism, had put their plans on hold after the supreme court decision, but Greaves said that “This governor is so dumb and pig-headed that we might just have to put good ole Bahpomet right next to the Ten Commandments in the interest of fair play.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Florida Lawmakers Jump On Secession Bandwagon As Wave Of Demonic Possession Spreads To Southeast

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Cretonia’s best and brightest made time to get out and join the protests

TALLAHASSEE (CT&P) – Members of the Florida state senate and house voted overwhelmingly to secede from the Union yesterday at an emergency session called by Governor and Aztec Snake God Rick Scott. The action was taken in response to the wave of Cosmos related demonic possessions currently sweeping the state.

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Spokesthing Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson of Toxic Cove, Florida told reporters that he was quite handsome before viewing two episodes of Cosmos

The possession and transformation of ordinary American citizens into characters from a Lovecraftian nightmare began in Oklahoma and has been spreading to other parts of the Bible Belt at “warp speed.”

Screenings of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s new show are apparently causing a variety of mental disorders, weird behavior, and physical metamorphosis among children and weak-minded adults from Oklahoma City all the way to the outskirts of South Beach.

Right-wing religious zealots have been protesting en masse to try to get the show pulled from Fox’s lineup out of fear that all order will soon collapse and chaos will reign across the United States. However, since Fox has thus far refused to take the popular and informative show off the air, the “confederacy of dunces” has switched tactics and has begun pushing for secession.

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Michelle Lamprey of Sudafed Springs was a normal Florida housewife with three kids and a manageable weekend meth habit before Cosmos aired

A spokesman for the protestors, Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson, told reporters that “We are not gonna just stand by and see our archaic and outdated religious beliefs be questioned by some smarty-pants who thinks he knows everything just ’cause he went to college!”

“We think that secession from the Union would allow us to set up our own radio and television stations that we can tightly monitor and control just like in China or North Korea,” said Turd. “That way, if anyone says anything that disagrees with the Bible we can burn them at the stake or lash them to barges in the Mississippi until the heretics ‘see the light.’ We can always sink the barges as a last resort.”

Scientists from around the world are scrambling to try to come up with an explanation for such a weird reaction to a television show based on science and reason.

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Little Suzie Creamcheese was a cheerful and outgoing student at Sinkhole Middle School before watching Cosmos in science class. Now she lives in a shopping cart.

“A significant percentage of citizens in the Bible Belt are hypersensitive to any ideas hatched at any time after the Middle Ages,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, of the Banzai Institute in New Brunswick, New Jersey. “They prefer to go on believing that some unseen force controls the universe and we damn sure better worship it in order not to incur its wrath. It’s really weird.”

Dr Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems concurred, saying “We have long studied the habits and culture of the monkey-boys inhabiting this so-called ‘Bible Belt.’ We find their obstinate dedication to ancient ritual and belief in the supernatural quite amusing. It gives us Red Lectroids hope that one day we will indeed crush you humans and finally get our butts off this rock.”

The Obama administration is of two minds on the secession issue. On the one hand secession from the Union is clearly unconstitutional and could lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which would be bloody armed conflict. On the other hand many members of the administration and other politicians would be more than happy to see the State of Florida become someone else’s problem. At this point no federal action is likely to take place.