Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Executive Orders



WASHINGTON – In a ceremony at the White House this morning President Trump signed an executive order effectively banning any future executive orders. The order is to take effect immediately.

“Executive orders have done more to destroy this country than any other thing I can think of,” said the President as he held up what appeared to be a Denny’s restaurant menu for the assembled press to see.

“I was elected to give power back to the people, and you don’t do that by being a tyrant like Barack Obama,” said the illiterate orange turd.

“In the future 27% of the eligible voters in this country will decide everything for the rest of the population, not some dictator drunk on his own power,” said the miscreant with bad hair and a micropenis.

Kellyanne Conway, appearing on CNN after the ceremony, told viewers that this particular executive order was all Trump’s idea and she didn’t think he had quite thought this one through.

“He may want to go back and rescind this particular executive order with a new executive order,” she said, as her face appeared to morph into a skull.

Conway told Chris Cuomo that she was sure that the order made sense in some way because it was “Our Lord’s” idea. She then lunged across the table and tried to suck the lifeforce out of Cuomo before withering into a discolored, sagging skin sack and slumped to the floor.

When asked about the order on a special edition of Fox News tonight aired in the middle of the day, George will told Bret Baier that he had no idea what was going on.

The nation has managed to elect the dumbest motherfucker the western world has ever seen,” said Will. “I can’t help you out with this one Bret.”

Will then excused himself saying he had to catch a plane to Bozeman in order to shop for off-grid survival shelters.


Obama Vows To Destroy Country One Last Time Before Inauguration



WASHINGTON – At a press conference earlier today President Obama pledged to destroy the country one last time before turning over the reigns of power to Donald Trump, the first illiterate person to be elected President of the United States.

“I just want to make sure I leave this fucking place in the same shape I found it in,” said an emotional Obama.

The President did not specify what form this last orgy of destruction would take, but White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters later that it would be one of the President’s more creative efforts.

“He may alter the path of a large asteroid and have it impact at the geographical center of the lower 48, or he could cause huge tidal waves to hit both the east and west coasts simultaneously,” said a smiling Earnest. “Hell, he may even order our submarines to launch their Trident II missiles and wipe out every major city in America, you just never know with Barry.”

Experts from around the country say that this will mark the 47th time Obama has “completely destroyed America.”

Professor Hikita of the Banzai Institute told CNN that the variety of methods Obama has used in the past is mind-boggling, and there’s no way to predict how he’ll destroy the country this time.

“The bastard provided health insurance to poor people one time, then he orchestrated a deadly agreement with the Iranians that guaranteed we would all die of radiation poisoning another time,” said Hikita. “Then there was the time he rounded up all the Christians in Texas and sentenced them to live the rest of their lives in forced labor camps under WalMart Supercenters. He’s diabolical!”

The crescendo of doom is expected to begin sometime this evening and continue until the swearing-in ceremony tomorrow morning, leaving little time for many of us to live.

Sara Palin told Fox News that our only hope lies in the good and honorable man we’ve elected to be our next president.

“God has sent Donald Trump to save America, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” said Palin, as she injected 1/2 a gram of methamphetamine into a pulsating vein in her temple. “Trust in Jesus and everything will be just fine.”


Trumpkins Furious Over Birther Reversal



DEER TICK, TENNESSEE – (CT&P) – “I don’t know who done forced him into saying that shit but somebody’s damn well gonna pay,” said Billy Bob McSneed during an interview with Jefferson Davis Jones, a reporter with Action 5 News out of Chattanooga.

McSneed is but one voice in a chorus of seething supporters furious over Trump’s reversal on the birther issue. He said in the interview that everyone he knows who supports the orange racist was outraged and they just didn’t believe Trump would say anything like that unless he was forced.

When asked what he and his buddies intended to do about the situation McSneed replied, “I ain’t sure yet. But tonight at the meeting I’m sure we’ll get our instructions.” McSneed was apparently referring to a mysterious weekly rally held in a remote wooded area near some abandoned strip mines outside Deer Tick.

Jones concluded the interview by asking McSneed if the shocking reversal would change his vote.

“Oh hell no,” he said, “If ole Trump ain’t elected we’re gonna raise unholy hell. The only way that bitch can win is if she cheats, and we ain’t gonna stand for that. They’ll be hell to pay I tell ya!”





Obama Pledges To Destroy Country At Least Five More Times Before Leaving Office



CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA – (CT&P) – While campaigning for Hillary Clinton in Forlorn Hope, West Virginia over the weekend, President Obama pledged that he would do his very best to destroy America at least five more times before he leaves office in January.

‘It has been by privilege as the first black man in the White House to destroy America as many  times as I possibly could in the last seven years, and I’m looking forward to finishing with a flourish,” said Obama.

“It’s hard for me to overstate just how much I hate this country and everything it stands for. Freedom, liberty, equal treatment under the law, I just hate that shit, and always have. I’m looking forward to seeking out the last standing buildings and institutions across America and laying waste to them like I have the vast majority of our once great country.”


President Obama has destroyed the country over 30 times since assuming office

Republican politicians and pundits have responded with outrage over the President’s comments, calling him a destructive maniac who just wants to destroy everything.

Representative and respected racist Steve King of Iowa told Fox News that if we don’t do something quick, every contribution to western civilization made by white folks will be erased in an orgy of destruction.

“We downtrodden white people have to once and for all stand up and be counted,” said King.

“America has been destroyed so many times by this man that it’s hard to find anything that has escaped being destroyed in all the destruction that surrounds us,” said King, who then stared off into space and started mumbling something about grapefruit.

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest is expected to detail the President’s plans for the complete annihilation of America and our way of life during a press conference Monday morning.


Obama Destroys Cuba In Less Than 24 Hours



HAVANA – (CT&P) – A distraught President Raul Castro of Cuba appeared on Radio Havana today and announced that after less than 24 hours since setting foot in Havana, the President of the United States had managed to completely destroy the entire country.

“Our beautiful nation now lays in ruins,” said an emotional Castro. “This monster, this Antichrist, was not satisfied destroying his own country dozens of times during his presidency; he had to haul his black ass down here and destroy ours as well, the bastard!”

“Cuba was once a glittering jewel of the Caribbean, now it nothing more than a heap of smoldering ashes. I had heard rumors from Republicans and other poorly educated Americans about how Obama had repeatedly ‘destroyed America’ but I chose to ignore the warnings and let him visit our idyllic land.

“Now I must take full responsibility for the disaster that has occurred. We have a long and hard rebuilding process ahead of us, but with the help of God and western European tourists we will prevail. God help us all.”

Mr. Obama offered no response to the radio address as he drank beer and toured a sugar cane plantation in the hills outside a burning garbage dump that only the day before was the thriving city of Cardenas.

He is expected to leave Havana tomorrow and destroy three countries in Central America before returning home to destroy America several more times before leaving office.



Obama’s Supreme Court Pick Will Destroy America, McConnell Warns



WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) warned at a press conference early this morning that President Obama’s pick to replace Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court had the potential to “destroy America” and “bring down western civilization.”

Mr. Obama’s choice, Merrick Garland, the chief judge of the United States Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit, is a beloved figure in Washington on both sides of the aisle and is generally considered to be a centrist judge who reveres the constitution, which makes him unqualified in McConnell’s eyes.


McConnell warned that Obama was the Antichrist and had already destroyed the country so many times that it was a smoking heap of ruins utterly unrecognizable by anyone over 125 years old.

“At this critical point in American history, we can’t afford to even consider interviewing such a dangerous man,” said McConnell, as he devoured ten pounds of greens that aides had placed in front of his podium.

“We’re on the verge of getting that negra Obama out of the White House and we just can’t afford any more mistakes.

“The very idea of placing a well-respected judge and former Justice Department official on the Supreme Court is pure madness, and it’s just another of the president’s schemes to destroy the beloved country in which we live,” said McConnell, as green juice dribbled out of both sides of his ancient mouth.

The decrepit dimwit from the backwoods of Kentucky told reporters that Obama had “destroyed the country over 37 times since taking office, and blind, hateful obstructionism was the only way to save the republic from being destroyed again.


McConnell sired three hybrid box turtles with his first wife Sherrill Redmon. However, during a trip to a rural Maryland petting zoo during a congressional recess, McConnell met and fell in love with Elaine Chao, a native of the Galapagos Islands. McConnell divorced Redmon and married Chao, whom he found sexually alluring. They are both believed to be over 150 years old.

“Obama has destroyed the country over a dozen times in the past 18 months alone,” said McConnell, “and I don’t know how many times the nation can take being completely and utterly destroyed before there’s nothing left to destroy but what’s already been destroyed by that Mooslim tyrant bent on destruction.”

However, McConnell’s intransigence has been called “insane” and “counterproductive” by Republican senators in competitive reelection campaigns this year, especially those in blue and purple states.

Senator Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire along with several other GOP senators, have agreed to meet with Garland, regardless of what McConnell says.

“I’m not paying any attention to what that fuckwit McConnell has to say,” said Ayotte.

“The senile old buzzard has enough skin under his chin to make a tent for Lawrence of Arabia. He’s just scared to death of what those morons in the Tea Party might say. Fuck him and fuck them. I’ve got a campaign to run here.”


After hearing that Republican senators were defying his obstructionist commands, McConnell went on a rampage and left a fifty mile path of destruction across northern Virginia. “It was like a slow-motion version of Sherman’s March to the Sea,” said one farmer.

Most pundits and court watchers give Garland a 50-50 chance of being confirmed after carefully weighing the consequences of McConnell’s idiotic strategy.

“Two-thirds of the American people want hearings,” said Nina Totenberg, legal affairs correspondent for National Public Radio.


“The vast majority of voters across the United States already think the Republican Party has gone batshit crazy by nominating an insecure fascist prick for president. When they see what a fine man Merrick Garland is they’re going to go ape and throw the GOP out of the senate if he’s not confirmed.

“President Obama really tore McConnell a giant new asshole with this one,” chuckled Totenberg.



McConnell Threatens To Destroy Tokyo



WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – During an interview with Fox News couch tumor Steve Doocy this morning, Senate Majority Leader and behemoth reptile Mitch McConnell threatened Tokyo with “utter and complete destruction” if President Obama had the audacity to nominate a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who recently assumed room temperature.

McConnell told Doocy that “never in the history of the United States” has a president been allowed to nominate a justice during the last three years of his term.

“The constitution only allows presidents to nominate judges during their first year in office,” said McConnell, as he consumed a large pine tree outside his Louisville office. “Everyone knows the rules, and the fact that Obama is willing to flout them like this just proves that he is in fact the Antichrist. If he dares to make a nomination, I promise I’ll lay waste to Tokyo and move on from there.”

McConnell’s threats were taken seriously by the Japan Self-Defense Forces, who immediately went on alert and started lining up antiquated tanks and rocket launchers along the shores of Tokyo Bay.

“We have to take these threats seriously,” said General Tojo Yamamoto of the JSDF. “McConnell’s tough outer shell and leathery skin make him almost impervious to conventional weapons. We may have to call in other monsters such as Ted Cruz or even Michele Bachmann in order to stop him.”

Until now McConnell has been satisfied to merely lumber onto to Pennsylvania Avenue and stop traffic in all directions to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for obstruction. However, these new threats mark a willingness to up the ante and destroy every in his path in order to get his way.

The Obama Administration so far has not been willing to use “the nuclear option” to destroy McConnell, but with Tokyo and other major cities under threat of annihilation this may change.

“We don’t want to nuke him,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, “but when you’re dealing with a throwback from the early Jurassic period, you have to keep all your options open.”