WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) warned at a press conference early this morning that President Obama’s pick to replace Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court had the potential to “destroy America” and “bring down western civilization.”
Mr. Obama’s choice, Merrick Garland, the chief judge of the United States Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit, is a beloved figure in Washington on both sides of the aisle and is generally considered to be a centrist judge who reveres the constitution, which makes him unqualified in McConnell’s eyes.
McConnell warned that Obama was the Antichrist and had already destroyed the country so many times that it was a smoking heap of ruins utterly unrecognizable by anyone over 125 years old.
“At this critical point in American history, we can’t afford to even consider interviewing such a dangerous man,” said McConnell, as he devoured ten pounds of greens that aides had placed in front of his podium.
“We’re on the verge of getting that negra Obama out of the White House and we just can’t afford any more mistakes.
“The very idea of placing a well-respected judge and former Justice Department official on the Supreme Court is pure madness, and it’s just another of the president’s schemes to destroy the beloved country in which we live,” said McConnell, as green juice dribbled out of both sides of his ancient mouth.
The decrepit dimwit from the backwoods of Kentucky told reporters that Obama had “destroyed the country over 37 times since taking office, and blind, hateful obstructionism was the only way to save the republic from being destroyed again.
McConnell sired three hybrid box turtles with his first wife Sherrill Redmon. However, during a trip to a rural Maryland petting zoo during a congressional recess, McConnell met and fell in love with Elaine Chao, a native of the Galapagos Islands. McConnell divorced Redmon and married Chao, whom he found sexually alluring. They are both believed to be over 150 years old.
“Obama has destroyed the country over a dozen times in the past 18 months alone,” said McConnell, “and I don’t know how many times the nation can take being completely and utterly destroyed before there’s nothing left to destroy but what’s already been destroyed by that Mooslim tyrant bent on destruction.”
However, McConnell’s intransigence has been called “insane” and “counterproductive” by Republican senators in competitive reelection campaigns this year, especially those in blue and purple states.
Senator Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire along with several other GOP senators, have agreed to meet with Garland, regardless of what McConnell says.
“I’m not paying any attention to what that fuckwit McConnell has to say,” said Ayotte.
“The senile old buzzard has enough skin under his chin to make a tent for Lawrence of Arabia. He’s just scared to death of what those morons in the Tea Party might say. Fuck him and fuck them. I’ve got a campaign to run here.”
After hearing that Republican senators were defying his obstructionist commands, McConnell went on a rampage and left a fifty mile path of destruction across northern Virginia. “It was like a slow-motion version of Sherman’s March to the Sea,” said one farmer.
Most pundits and court watchers give Garland a 50-50 chance of being confirmed after carefully weighing the consequences of McConnell’s idiotic strategy.
“Two-thirds of the American people want hearings,” said Nina Totenberg, legal affairs correspondent for National Public Radio.
“The vast majority of voters across the United States already think the Republican Party has gone batshit crazy by nominating an insecure fascist prick for president. When they see what a fine man Merrick Garland is they’re going to go ape and throw the GOP out of the senate if he’s not confirmed.
“President Obama really tore McConnell a giant new asshole with this one,” chuckled Totenberg.